Help :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Help :(
I'm having depressed/anxious thoughts and feelings for the first time in months. I thought these feelings were due to drinking but I haven't been drinking for over four months.
I think a big part of it is realizing that not only am I an alcoholic, I'm just plain crazy! I just finished my first step in AA, and I realized that a lot of my emotional issues and bad decisions/character defaults or what have you came before I started drinking heavily, and then the alcohol just made everything worse... kind of a chicken-and-the-egg cycle thing.
I guess my fear is that whether I drink or not, I will always be a bit "off" and "crazy." And that without alcohol I don't have a coping mechanism. I am wondering if this is my mind trying to drive me back to drink. As many of you know I've been having a bunch of issues with my boyfriend's drinking and just my lifestyle in general... I'm trying so hard to change things but sometimes I just feel disconnected and out of touch with reality and with my friends etc. I feel isolated and different I guess.
I also worry because I don't have health insurance that covers mental health issues anymore, so I start to freak out that if I need to go to counseling or take anti-depressants etc, I won't be able to. I was having thoughts last night like "life is pointless" and "I am just a screw-up and I will always be a screw-up"... that made it really hard to get to sleep.
I'm just so bummed because probably the biggest reason I stopped drinking was because I was having thoughts like this... and now here they are again, even though I'm not drinking and I'm trying to do recovery work.
I don't understand what's going on. Could this be late-onset PAWS?? My mind trying to get me to relapse? Or am I just doomed to craziness forever?
I think a big part of it is realizing that not only am I an alcoholic, I'm just plain crazy! I just finished my first step in AA, and I realized that a lot of my emotional issues and bad decisions/character defaults or what have you came before I started drinking heavily, and then the alcohol just made everything worse... kind of a chicken-and-the-egg cycle thing.
I guess my fear is that whether I drink or not, I will always be a bit "off" and "crazy." And that without alcohol I don't have a coping mechanism. I am wondering if this is my mind trying to drive me back to drink. As many of you know I've been having a bunch of issues with my boyfriend's drinking and just my lifestyle in general... I'm trying so hard to change things but sometimes I just feel disconnected and out of touch with reality and with my friends etc. I feel isolated and different I guess.
I also worry because I don't have health insurance that covers mental health issues anymore, so I start to freak out that if I need to go to counseling or take anti-depressants etc, I won't be able to. I was having thoughts last night like "life is pointless" and "I am just a screw-up and I will always be a screw-up"... that made it really hard to get to sleep.
I'm just so bummed because probably the biggest reason I stopped drinking was because I was having thoughts like this... and now here they are again, even though I'm not drinking and I'm trying to do recovery work.
I don't understand what's going on. Could this be late-onset PAWS?? My mind trying to get me to relapse? Or am I just doomed to craziness forever?
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
PAWS can last up to 2 years. My rehab suggested it lasts one month for every year of using. Whatever, that is irrelevant. Have you called your sponsor? Talked to anyone in the program to vent? Pray or meditate. Get to a meeting.
You are normal, Pigtails! What went up, must come down, and even though you have 4 months, you are on step 1. I don't want to rush you, but it's in the steps 4-9 that change takes place. I'm not there to talk with you in person, but but but....really, it's in continuing the step work. This anxiety is normal, I must repeat it. Your sponsor is there to guide you through the steps. You've had so much change in your life...
My only real suggestion is to work those steps like your life depends on it so you can get relief and freedom. You deserve it. Can you work on the next step with your sponsor? I know it's not a timeline thing.... or listen to Clarence S. or Sandy B. or any speaker tape from someone who has worked those steps and listen closely.
Try helping a newcomer so you can get out of your head. It does help. Keep moving forward! You can get through these feelings.
Hugs,
You are normal, Pigtails! What went up, must come down, and even though you have 4 months, you are on step 1. I don't want to rush you, but it's in the steps 4-9 that change takes place. I'm not there to talk with you in person, but but but....really, it's in continuing the step work. This anxiety is normal, I must repeat it. Your sponsor is there to guide you through the steps. You've had so much change in your life...
My only real suggestion is to work those steps like your life depends on it so you can get relief and freedom. You deserve it. Can you work on the next step with your sponsor? I know it's not a timeline thing.... or listen to Clarence S. or Sandy B. or any speaker tape from someone who has worked those steps and listen closely.
Try helping a newcomer so you can get out of your head. It does help. Keep moving forward! You can get through these feelings.
Hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by sugarbear1 
PAWS can last up to 2 years. My rehab suggested it lasts one month for every year of using. Whatever, that is irrelevant. Have you called your sponsor? Talked to anyone in the program to vent? Pray or meditate. Get to a meeting.
You are normal, Pigtails! What went up, must come down, and even though you have 4 months, you are on step 1. I don't want to rush you, but it's in the steps 4-9 that change takes place. I'm not there to talk with you in person, but but but....really, it's in continuing the step work. This anxiety is normal, I must repeat it. Your sponsor is there to guide you through the steps. You've had so much change in your life...
My only real suggestion is to work those steps like your life depends on it so you can get relief and freedom. You deserve it. Can you work on the next step with your sponsor? I know it's not a timeline thing.... or listen to Clarence S. or Sandy B. or any speaker tape from someone who has worked those steps and listen closely.
Try helping a newcomer so you can get out of your head. It does help. Keep moving forward! You can get through these feelings.
Hugs,
You are normal, Pigtails! What went up, must come down, and even though you have 4 months, you are on step 1. I don't want to rush you, but it's in the steps 4-9 that change takes place. I'm not there to talk with you in person, but but but....really, it's in continuing the step work. This anxiety is normal, I must repeat it. Your sponsor is there to guide you through the steps. You've had so much change in your life...
My only real suggestion is to work those steps like your life depends on it so you can get relief and freedom. You deserve it. Can you work on the next step with your sponsor? I know it's not a timeline thing.... or listen to Clarence S. or Sandy B. or any speaker tape from someone who has worked those steps and listen closely.
Try helping a newcomer so you can get out of your head. It does help. Keep moving forward! You can get through these feelings.
Hugs,
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
It's at step 5 where things really change. I am grateful I worked the steps quickly this time through. I was kept on the "slow road" in my past and always went back out drinking. This time I worked the 12 steps through and the relief was so amazing! I had a new solution and no anxiety since then. Just my experience. Yes, the steps stir up stuff, which is why we get through them. "Having had a spiritual experience, as a result of these (12) steps...."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
It's at step 5 where things really change. I am grateful I worked the steps quickly this time through. I was kept on the "slow road" in my past and always went back out drinking. This time I worked the 12 steps through and the relief was so amazing! I had a new solution and no anxiety since then. Just my experience. Yes, the steps stir up stuff, which is why we get through them. "Having had a spiritual experience, as a result of these (12) steps...."
I took forever to get through the first step... at first I thought I enjoy working on things slowly, thinking about a lot of things and journaling etc... but it also may have been a stall tactic out of fear. Thanks again.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I'm not trying to undermine your sponsor in any way or force you into anything; I just know that in 25 years of not working the steps led me to 10 months ago when I did work the steps, not understanding much, but doing it anyway.
In working step 3, I took the plunge and during step 4, was reminded that if I were serious about step 3, the fears were being taken care of. My HP hasn't let me down to this day.
My first 3 steps were through discussion, so right here our sponsors' ways are different....I wrote for step 4 and 8 and some notes on 9 after another lengthy discussion with sponsor like in step 5.
Again, everyone is different, and my sponsor claims that they don't do much other than share their experience before and after much meditation and prayer throughout our discussion(s); (I could see that, although they were trying to be subtle---it was all higher powered and sponsor was just the voice I needed to hear from that higher power). "No human power could have relieved our alcoholism"
Take what I say with a grain of salt, okay? Pray & meditate (to your HP) with your sponsor.
In working step 3, I took the plunge and during step 4, was reminded that if I were serious about step 3, the fears were being taken care of. My HP hasn't let me down to this day.
My first 3 steps were through discussion, so right here our sponsors' ways are different....I wrote for step 4 and 8 and some notes on 9 after another lengthy discussion with sponsor like in step 5.
Again, everyone is different, and my sponsor claims that they don't do much other than share their experience before and after much meditation and prayer throughout our discussion(s); (I could see that, although they were trying to be subtle---it was all higher powered and sponsor was just the voice I needed to hear from that higher power). "No human power could have relieved our alcoholism"
Take what I say with a grain of salt, okay? Pray & meditate (to your HP) with your sponsor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
I'm not trying to undermine your sponsor in any way or force you into anything; I just know that in 25 years of not working the steps led me to 10 months ago when I did work the steps, not understanding much, but doing it anyway.
In working step 3, I took the plunge and during step 4, was reminded that if I were serious about step 3, the fears were being taken care of. My HP hasn't let me down to this day.
My first 3 steps were through discussion, so right here our sponsors' ways are different....I wrote for step 4 and 8 and some notes on 9 after another lengthy discussion with sponsor like in step 5.
Again, everyone is different, and my sponsor claims that they don't do much other than share their experience before and after much meditation and prayer throughout our discussion(s); (I could see that, although they were trying to be subtle---it was all higher powered and sponsor was just the voice I needed to hear from that higher power). "No human power could have relieved our alcoholism"
Take what I say with a grain of salt, okay? Pray & meditate (to your HP) with your sponsor.
In working step 3, I took the plunge and during step 4, was reminded that if I were serious about step 3, the fears were being taken care of. My HP hasn't let me down to this day.
My first 3 steps were through discussion, so right here our sponsors' ways are different....I wrote for step 4 and 8 and some notes on 9 after another lengthy discussion with sponsor like in step 5.
Again, everyone is different, and my sponsor claims that they don't do much other than share their experience before and after much meditation and prayer throughout our discussion(s); (I could see that, although they were trying to be subtle---it was all higher powered and sponsor was just the voice I needed to hear from that higher power). "No human power could have relieved our alcoholism"
Take what I say with a grain of salt, okay? Pray & meditate (to your HP) with your sponsor.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I was "willing" to believe, moved on to step 3, said a prayer, then dove into 4.
I experienced the power of my HP afterwards, when the anxiety, phobias, and fears, along with all cravings disappeared. It's my experience that made me understand steps 1-3 better. (it's really hard to explain this "experience")
I experienced the power of my HP afterwards, when the anxiety, phobias, and fears, along with all cravings disappeared. It's my experience that made me understand steps 1-3 better. (it's really hard to explain this "experience")
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
I was "willing" to believe, moved on to step 3, said a prayer, then dove into 4.
I experienced the power of my HP afterwards, when the anxiety, phobias, and fears, along with all cravings disappeared. It's my experience that made me understand steps 1-3 better. (it's really hard to explain this "experience")
I experienced the power of my HP afterwards, when the anxiety, phobias, and fears, along with all cravings disappeared. It's my experience that made me understand steps 1-3 better. (it's really hard to explain this "experience")
Hopefully that'll happen to me too. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
The steps are there because when not drinking we eventually feel like you're feeling and that sends us back to a drink for it's illusion of relief.
What alcohol once did for us quickly (when it used to work) the steps do for us slowly, with less police contact.
What alcohol once did for us quickly (when it used to work) the steps do for us slowly, with less police contact.
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