absolutely fuming
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: atlanta, georgia
Posts: 6
absolutely fuming
Ah has apparently been sober for two weeks. Has been going to therapy once a week and SMART meetings on Thursday.
Was supposed to get on meds for hiis adhd, his therapist thinks that's a factor in his drinking.
Anyway, our two and a half year old woke up screaming so I went in to see what was going on. Happened to see a glass on her drawers.
Picked it up. Looked like coke was in it. My gut dropped, I smelled it, nothing, but I couldn't leave it there.
Took a sip. Tada, booze. In my daughter's room! I wanted to kill him.
Woke him up, he's been sleeping in the living room since the last time he was caught.
He swears it has been in there for weeks. Since before he sobered it.
There had been no evaporation, it didn't taste horrible when I tried it (other than the booze)
He absolutely swears it wasn't recent, and now I hate him all over again, and see sleep as nothing but a sweet memory.
Could he be telling the truth? Maybe. Has he lied so much in the past I can't begin to trust him about anything? Absolutely.
I've opened a new business and spend so much time trying to get that off the ground. I have my daughter, and have the rest of my life.
I just don't have the time or the energy for this right now. But I can't leave, new business means no money. And if I kick him out I feel like he would just drink himself into oblivion. His parents won't take him back after I kicked him out the last time.
Looks like we'll just end up being housemates until I can figure my situation out.
Was supposed to get on meds for hiis adhd, his therapist thinks that's a factor in his drinking.
Anyway, our two and a half year old woke up screaming so I went in to see what was going on. Happened to see a glass on her drawers.
Picked it up. Looked like coke was in it. My gut dropped, I smelled it, nothing, but I couldn't leave it there.
Took a sip. Tada, booze. In my daughter's room! I wanted to kill him.
Woke him up, he's been sleeping in the living room since the last time he was caught.
He swears it has been in there for weeks. Since before he sobered it.
There had been no evaporation, it didn't taste horrible when I tried it (other than the booze)
He absolutely swears it wasn't recent, and now I hate him all over again, and see sleep as nothing but a sweet memory.
Could he be telling the truth? Maybe. Has he lied so much in the past I can't begin to trust him about anything? Absolutely.
I've opened a new business and spend so much time trying to get that off the ground. I have my daughter, and have the rest of my life.
I just don't have the time or the energy for this right now. But I can't leave, new business means no money. And if I kick him out I feel like he would just drink himself into oblivion. His parents won't take him back after I kicked him out the last time.
Looks like we'll just end up being housemates until I can figure my situation out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: atlanta, georgia
Posts: 6
There's just no more help I can give him. He has a million resources including a very supportive family who just want to see him better and fix this marriage.
I came home tonight and we talked for a long time and he didn't see off like he usually does when he drinks. (He's the worst liar, but apparently booze makes him think he's a conartist/ninja) but that could just mean he didn't drink much.
It's just so hard. Sometimes I feel like he's just a horrible person and doesn't give a rat's ass that he's hurting his family and ruining our future. He just refuses to take accountability and it drives me crazy.
I came home tonight and we talked for a long time and he didn't see off like he usually does when he drinks. (He's the worst liar, but apparently booze makes him think he's a conartist/ninja) but that could just mean he didn't drink much.
It's just so hard. Sometimes I feel like he's just a horrible person and doesn't give a rat's ass that he's hurting his family and ruining our future. He just refuses to take accountability and it drives me crazy.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 49
I know that feeling of never being able to know if they are telling the truth or not, because in the past they have lied so many times.
Just a thought, but why not kick him out and let him drink himself into oblivion? At least you could get your sanity back~!!!
Just a thought, but why not kick him out and let him drink himself into oblivion? At least you could get your sanity back~!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by krystle 
There's just no more help I can give him.
You can however take action to protect your family from his inability or refusal to do what it takes to be a responsible partner and father.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
I used to know where my A put empty bottles. I would throw them away, so nothing was left in that spot. I didn't confront when I did that, however, when I finally did in the heat of an argument, I went to the spot and pulled them out. He swore those were from ages ago and he didn't even know they were there. Yeah right. Cause I threw the other ones out yesterday. It's complete BS.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
What I learned here and at al-anon
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
His drinking, his problem, his consequences. You are not responsible for that.
The only thing I have control over is how I choose to react to what is going on around me.
And that I can choose not to accept unacceptable behavior.
Your friend,
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
His drinking, his problem, his consequences. You are not responsible for that.
The only thing I have control over is how I choose to react to what is going on around me.
And that I can choose not to accept unacceptable behavior.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Alcoholism is defined as an uncontrollable compulsion to drink even in the face of negative consequences to self and family.
He was an alcoholic two weeks ago and he is still an alcoholic today. He has a very hard and long struggle ahead, much work in recovery, possibly many failed attempts at sobriety before sobriety sticks.
It is futile, and destructive for everyone, to live with him and resent him for his disease manifesting itself. The reality is he has a physical and mental disease that causes an obsession to drink, an uncontrollable obsession.
He may one day achieve sobriety, but to expect that so soon is to set up expectations of him he may be completely unable to meet at this time.
All you can do is refuse to enable him and allow him to suffer the consequences of his addiction. But your anger or resentment or hurt feelings will not contribute to his sobriety. He may be doing the best he can today.
If the situation is too much for you, then it would be best to face the reality of being unable to live with an alcoholic who is trying to get sober, who may be drunk on and off many times before he gets sober, and who is not now able to be honest with you because his disease still controls him.
If you can't stay, then it's best to face the reality and make a new set of plans for yourself.
He was an alcoholic two weeks ago and he is still an alcoholic today. He has a very hard and long struggle ahead, much work in recovery, possibly many failed attempts at sobriety before sobriety sticks.
It is futile, and destructive for everyone, to live with him and resent him for his disease manifesting itself. The reality is he has a physical and mental disease that causes an obsession to drink, an uncontrollable obsession.
He may one day achieve sobriety, but to expect that so soon is to set up expectations of him he may be completely unable to meet at this time.
All you can do is refuse to enable him and allow him to suffer the consequences of his addiction. But your anger or resentment or hurt feelings will not contribute to his sobriety. He may be doing the best he can today.
If the situation is too much for you, then it would be best to face the reality of being unable to live with an alcoholic who is trying to get sober, who may be drunk on and off many times before he gets sober, and who is not now able to be honest with you because his disease still controls him.
If you can't stay, then it's best to face the reality and make a new set of plans for yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: atlanta, georgia
Posts: 6
I suppose what I meant by "help" was to be supportive. I know this isn't something that can be fixed with a few meetings and therapy. And I've told him this. I know there will be slip ups, all I needed was honesty about it.
I almost wish he was a flat out public drunk so I knew. But he's the secretive, wait until night when we're on in separate rooms and pull out the vodka.
He has an obsession with being perceived as a perfect guy, and here lies the need to lie. I'm pretty sure he knows no one can be perfect, but that doesn't stop him from trying, failing, and drinking.
Anyway, I know there's nothing I can do but protect myself and my child. That's why I'm working until exhaustion to get the business off the ground, so I can say good luck and good riddance when need be.
I almost wish he was a flat out public drunk so I knew. But he's the secretive, wait until night when we're on in separate rooms and pull out the vodka.
He has an obsession with being perceived as a perfect guy, and here lies the need to lie. I'm pretty sure he knows no one can be perfect, but that doesn't stop him from trying, failing, and drinking.
Anyway, I know there's nothing I can do but protect myself and my child. That's why I'm working until exhaustion to get the business off the ground, so I can say good luck and good riddance when need be.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
You already KNOW the truth.
It's up to you whether you want to accept it or not.
I'm not trying to push you further than your ready to go but I am going to remind you that A's lie. They lie over big thing and little things. They lie when they don't need to. It's just part of the disease.
Now YOU have to decide ....what do YOU do now?
choose to believe him or not...and if not...what are you going to do about it?
I'm not even going to go into the fact your dd could have drank it, that surely you would have noticed a glass sitting in her room for days/weeks... or that he is now a danger to her safety.
It's up to you whether you want to accept it or not.
I'm not trying to push you further than your ready to go but I am going to remind you that A's lie. They lie over big thing and little things. They lie when they don't need to. It's just part of the disease.
Now YOU have to decide ....what do YOU do now?
choose to believe him or not...and if not...what are you going to do about it?
I'm not even going to go into the fact your dd could have drank it, that surely you would have noticed a glass sitting in her room for days/weeks... or that he is now a danger to her safety.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
HE'S NOT TELLING THE TRUTH!!!!
My AH used to do the SAME thing. He'd smell like booze, walk like he was wasted, have white powder on his nose and sweating as if he'd just run a marathon (WITH the rolled up bills next to him) and SWEAR he'd been a perfect angel.
It's UTTER CRAP! Don't fall for it!
My AH used to do the SAME thing. He'd smell like booze, walk like he was wasted, have white powder on his nose and sweating as if he'd just run a marathon (WITH the rolled up bills next to him) and SWEAR he'd been a perfect angel.
It's UTTER CRAP! Don't fall for it!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
You have no control over his drinking; there is nothing you can do or say. With active alcoholics it's safe to assume that what you see is what you get. Some do get sober but it takes years to change the person who caused all these problems. If your husband is desperate to get sober he will go to a rehab followed by very strong support (such as AA).
For alcoholics the bottle is the most important thing, it is God, Higher Power, THE ANSWER.
You have options. The best place to start is Al-anon. It can give you the support to go through this, no matter what your decision is.
For alcoholics the bottle is the most important thing, it is God, Higher Power, THE ANSWER.
You have options. The best place to start is Al-anon. It can give you the support to go through this, no matter what your decision is.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: holyoke mass
Posts: 23
Go to Ala-non Meetings you will learn alot. My better half is in rehab as we speak day 10. I have been reading alot of self help and attending meetings. Its time to work on me now. One thing I didn"t realize is I'm co-dependent.
This is my time now to heal me. You can not control him or the situation the only one you have control over is you. Hope things get better for you! Believe me I do know the feeling and it is tough.
This is my time now to heal me. You can not control him or the situation the only one you have control over is you. Hope things get better for you! Believe me I do know the feeling and it is tough.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
The Dilemna of an Alcoholic Marriage is a piece of al-anon literature that saved my life. Didn't do a lick to save my marriage but gave me great insight into the disease, how it affected my XAH, and how it affected me. It also helped me see how my choices and behavior really kept the insanity going... Even though I thought I was helping.
Its such a horrible disease. Continue to focus on you, your business... Get help for you and take your time. More will be revealed.
Its such a horrible disease. Continue to focus on you, your business... Get help for you and take your time. More will be revealed.
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