Marytherboo

I'm feeling the whole gamut of emotions right now, from buoyant relief to bitter pain, but I'm sure it's for the best. AH is to be discharged tomorrow from the psych ward and has chosen to go out of state into a 12-month rehab program. That's assuming he doesn't flake and end up on the street while he's out there, which is another live possibility. Either way, he has taken matters into his own hands and chosen to take himself so far away that any real involvement with him will be both practically and emotionally impossible.

As I ponder the 8-year journey that brought us here, I am very grateful to be okay right now. I am very sad to lose the dreams that fueled so much of my life during those years, but I can live with and mourn that loss in my own time. As I sit in the still-unaccustomed quiet of the home that was so often disrupted with miserable, pointless hatefulness, fear and dysfunction, free to mull and ponder and plan without fear of the other shoe dropping, I can only feel humbly, wholeheartedly grateful to have weathered this storm mostly intact.

This week I have a lot of things to look forward to and that's a feeling I haven't had in a while. So I'm going to enjoy it to its fullest, in confidence that the disappointment, the loss and the feeling of failure will ebb and flow for a while and eventually be laid to rest as life unfolds.

I know this calm, comfortable moment may not last long but I have SR and you lovely people to thank that I can notice and savor it at all. As I grieve the end of one chapter and begin another, I just want you all to know how much your ES&H have done for me. I hope someday to be far enough along in my own recovery to help someone in the same way. Thank you!

onajourney

MTB i am no too far along and have an exAHB who is worse than when when i left. i read your post and so related to it, its relief, sadness and so many emotions all at the same time. i felt like a rollercoaster so much of the time and days varied alot in terms of how up and down they were. not very helpful but thinking of you, am sure others will be along. it was def hard for me but new life means i am happy and in a different way. i grieved for what i lost and he is still the same. who knows what the future will hold, one day at a time.
hugs.

EnglishGarden

Mary,
I have suggested this before on SR, and suggest it to you, too.

You will need a piece of poster board, a glue stick, scissors, and about 10 old magazines.

Make a collage of the images that represent your heart's hopes for your future.

I made one. I look at it every day. I love my collage. I took it to therapy and the tears fell as I told him about the images and words I chose.

You'd be amazed at how our deepest self speaks to us when we search the pages of magazines and make a collage.

It is like a prayer we can look at.

I hope your AH hangs on through the 12 months and can be helped. He has his own guardian angels. And you have yours.

This next year can be your own year of rehabilitation of soul, mind, body and heart.