Erynn

Hello All - I'm new to this forum, and have been reading some articles, and threads by other members over the past few days to get some clarity. The past few years I've been on one crazy roller coaster ride with an addict, and I took myself off the ride.. finally. I met him 5 years ago, young, and fell in love. Everything about his addiction, and his life was drip feed to me over the years. I did 3 bids with him, I've driven him to detox, I've watched him stop breathing in his sleep, I've seen him come back from OD'ing, and show up at my house after running out of an ambulance. I've have seen and loved him at his worst. I always believed in him, and eventually his addiction wore me out, and I lost myself too. He relapsed last January, and that was the beginning of the end. I realized I couldn't do it anymore. He didn't care. He was doing what addicts do. In complete denial, and completely void of how it had affected my life. He came home after a week long binge of shooting up, to detox in our bedroom. He became a different person to me. Watching someone detoxing is horrifying, and will wear down more then almost anything. I didn't recover from his relapse, because nothing changed, he got through it, and the next weekend was back out running around and using. The only difference was, heroin was a thing of the past, and cocaine was his new drug of choice. About 5 months later, he proposed to me, and we were talking plans of marriage, and starting a family. 2 weeks after he proposed, turns out he was having an affair, and it eventually turns out he had been cheating on me throughout the entire relationship. All pre meditated. If he wasn't cheating on me with the drugs, the stealing, it was with other women. We broke up last Summer and since then he has tried to weasel his way back in and out of my life. Nothing in his lifestyle has changed. The closest he's come to recovery is a yearly AA meeting, or the AA program in jail. Still living the 'party' lifestyle of drinking heavily, popping his suboxones on a regular basis and a weekend filled with drug use. He told me he doesn't have a drug problem anymore, he's 'over it'. He's been shooting up heroin since he was 15, and he's going to be 30. He is what he is. He's an addict. And his addict behaviors run his life. I'm here because I want to stop hating him, and to stop thinking about the hurt, the betrayal of the things that I've experienced with this relationship. I'm at the angry stage, I have completely cut contact with him.. for the 2nd time. He pops in and out, he has a way of suckering me back in. I always knew that loving an addict was tough, and there are times you've been to hell and back, but I never realized just how much it was affecting me mentally & emotionally. I want to heal, and not repeat the same mistakes, and recover from the codependent traits I developed. I was reading on here too, about the 'crazy making'.. it's so true!! I can't even count how many times I've had to step back and question my own sanity. I'll make up my mind, and he manipulates me right back to the beginning - and then I feel guilty, or that I'm overreacting. I know, and I do know, being away from him is the best thing for me. He makes me worse, the addiction, the behaviors, the lies, the insanity.. makes me worse.

I've let him go.. how do you let the hurt and betrayal go of their actions? of my actions? Some days I say I hate him, but then I realize I'm more mad at myself for staying, and putting up with so much bs, and ignoring the red flags. Of believing that love, and hope could cure his addiction, and that he'd change.

eyeswideshut1

Erynn, it sounds like you are pretty clear on why this man is wrong for you. I have been going through a separation from an ABF over the past few months, and I can say for my part that it's taken a while to get over the anger. And maybe that's a good thing, because anger can help you, when the shock of the separation is fresh, to remember why you are separating from him. I have slowly begun to forgive my AXBF, and to forgive myself for allowing him to use and manipulate me, but it has taken some time, and even though I forgive him, I have not forgotten the lies and manipulation he is capable of. I can say for myself that it can bring all the difficult emotions back when they try to find a way back in. (My XABF contacted me yesterday for the first time in four months and I feel shaken!) But the time away from him has at least given me some perspective. I feel less angry and more compassionate toward him, but with an emotional distance that I didn't used to feel. So...I hope you can give yourself some time and try to stay strong and maintain the separation for a while. You will find peace in time!

KuanYin

Oh Erynn, my dear how my heart goes out to you and aches for you. You are obviously a very intelligent young woman, and you have good instincts and good insight. Our hearts sometimes lead us astray, but we can learn. Try to think of it like this; at least you did not marry him and/or have children with him, only to invest a lifetime raising children who may become addicts. I have a 26 year old son who is an injection addict. That is hell. I've left boyfriends, I've left an addict husband, but I cannot divorce a child. I can't take him back and say "Um, this isn't what I wanted, can I please have another?" I love my AS with all my heart and soul, but detaching and walking away from ones offspring is devastating.

Your addict bf that you no doubt love, and have been through so much with, apparently has no desire for recovery. Add to that, his obvious character flaws. I can tell you this, it is better to be lonely while alone than to be lonely while with another person. It sounds like he is never actually present for you, even if he is physically in the room with you.

You will get over him because it sounds like you've had enough, and that you want to get over him. Time will help you. Time and distance. Cutting all contact, and moving your life in a different direction from him. Leave him in the past, move your life forward. And your heart and soul will heal by helping others who are going through the pain that you are feeling, and the pain you've suffered over the past years with him. We heal through helping others.

japalmer

My son is a drug abuser and my husband use to be a heavy drinker. My life revolved around my son, spying on him, reading his text messages, Facebook messages, etc. to try to keep him away from drugs. I couldn't do it and I realize know I made it worse. My son overdosed and my husband had to resuscitate him. Did I finally stop? No, I got worse. I needed to keep a better eye on him. If I could have handcuffed him to me, I would have to keep him from drugs. He got help and spent some time at an inpatient recovery center. I got help there too. He stole from me, lied to me, embarrassed me, etc. Everything you could imagine he's done. I forgave him because I learned about the disease and I learned that he wasn't doing those things to me, but did them becuase of what the drugs had done to his brain. I've learned to get over it and move on. I'm learning to keep a distance and try to separate myself from his daily life. It's hard for sure. You need to recover too. It's the hardest thing I've ever done and I've been through a lot. I'm sure this has really taken a toll on you. You deserve to heal too.

lesliej

hi Erynn, welcome, you are in the right place.
I am 3 weeks out from a 2+ year relationship with a relapsing addict who I loved/love

it is lonely, it is freeing, it is frustrating...on and on and on. many emotions and I just keep trying to stand up and walk through the days with as much serenity as I can muster. it is a difficult process for sure to detach from someone you love and someone that you have been enmeshed with through addiction. it is a complicated mixed bag of separation, knowing intellectually that you are doing what is right but still experiencing the emotional pain, and also discovering ones own "deceit", re: remembering some things better than they were, or minimizing other things that were awful.

just saying...I can empathize. coming here and writing helps me process, reading others stories such as yours helps me to remember what it's like, writing to others helps me, going to meetings is a huge help...it gets me out of my head and reminds me that recovery works, and I want to work my own. having a therapist/getting some counseling can be awesome if you can do it. I find a lot of empowerment in taking back my love, hope and soul...instead of throwing it away with the relationship that failed because of addiction (mine and his) I like taking back parts of myself and owning them.

give yourself plenty of time and space...don't shame yourself, don't beat yourself up! keep reaching our for love and support...experience strength and hope of others. try to find time each day to be gentle with yourself, you have been in a war zone and you are traumatized...get help where ever you can find it. don't expect yourself to just "get over it"...you're going to have to walk through it,

recovery has a lot of promises for people like us.
things get better, much much better, and we just have to keep trusting in that
time will heal, and others will help
you are not alone

Wing

I always knew that loving an addict was tough, and there are times you've been to hell and back, but I never realized just how much it was affecting me mentally & emotionally. I want to heal, and not repeat the same mistakes, and recover from the codependent traits I developed.

I know, and I do know, being away from him is the best thing for me. He makes me worse, the addiction, the behaviors, the lies, the insanity.. makes me worse.

I've let him go.. how do you let the hurt and betrayal go of their actions? of my actions? Some days I say I hate him, but then I realize I'm more mad at myself for staying, and putting up with so much bs, and ignoring the red flags. Of believing that love, and hope could cure his addiction, and that he'd change.

Dear Erynn,

U've written whaT I'm exactly feeling now. I'm not sure if i regret giving him chances and being there for him as he requested with tear. There were several times I felt that I couldn't handle anymore and leaving would be the best for us. I was so afraid that I would have emotional breakdown soon. I told him with tear that I have to leave. He told me to have faith on him and I thought that i loved him. So, I stayed. In the end, I set a trap and found that he was ready to cheat on me. I confronted him and gave him a good slap. He grabbed my collar and lifted me up. It ended with police.

It hurts like hell. If I ever knew that i'd finally get hurt badly mentally and emotionally, I would have stepped away.

I'm seeing social worker now. I hope to heal... though sometimes, the heartache still comes from nowhere all in sudden.

U are not alone. We are all healing here.
*I went NC for 5 weeks*

Erynn

Good Morning - First I want to extend many many thanks, and appreciation for everyone's insight, and kind words. Everything said has hit home with what I've already been thinking and feeling. Sometimes you feel so alone in this situation, wondering if anyone else has gone through anything this insane! I have been truly blessed to have the support of really great people, my family and friends. Yet, not a single one of them have walked in my shoes, or gone thru what I have. So it's hard to relate, or because the situation is different. So thank you again It's means so much!

KuanYin - I couldn't of said it better. He has never been actually present for me. I always felt like I couldn't get enough, always hungry and empty even when he was sitting right beside me. Some days were just so empty, and I felt like I was living, and loving a shell. My needs were never met because his addiction, his quench/thirst was priority. He's still in active addiction, and has no plans, or as far as I'm concerned want, to be in recovery. He gets pleasure, out of being 'wounded'. He actually uses it to pick up women, and manipulate.

When we broke up, he moved in with the girl he cheated on me with.. 5 minutes down the road. Over the holidays they broke up, and he moved again.. this time 2 streets away from me. He walks to work, and my apt is on his direct path to work. When they broke up, he called me, stopped by my house, everything, wanted to do 'right' he said, wanted me back, said he made the biggest mistake of his life, etc ,etc. They call that quacking right?! lol The first month we talked, and discussed what elements had to change, and within another month after that, he was right back to where he was before. Made me realize that, the person who comes out after a month or 2, is him. That's the real him. The other is a fake, and only lovable, supportive, and understanding.. when's hes high. All fake. All synthetic.

I'll be patient with myself, and Lesliej, you are right, I have, we all have, been thru a war zone. It'll take time, and I'm going to keep doing the readings, coming on here, and get to some Nar Anon meetings. I don't want to carry this with forever, I want to learn from it, heal, and keep moving on. Speaking of moving, that's my next step. I have to move out from a 1 mile radius of him.. I don't feel safe or happy in my home anymore. It's also, the same apt we lived in together. So it's time.. and I believe it'll be a good change.

lesliej

keep coming back...

IMHO the "real person" doesn't come out for several months
I have been drawn back in my the 1-2 month "voice/words" several times
IMHO the 2 month voice is the hardest to resist, but 2 months is NOTHING when looking at a long term commitment
I will maybe see what the 12 month voice sounds like, if it ever happens

on with my voice, my life, my love, hope, faith, trust...freedom from the pain!

Erynn

I agree. That voice draws you in, but its not real. Talk us cheap. I actually saw him on the street 2 weeksago and ran, because I knew which 'voice'/persona I would get.. and it would cause me to get foggy on my decision. No contact is key.