eyeswideshut1

Hello to everyone! I haven't been on here in a long time. I pretty much thought my AXBF was out of my life for good, but he has popped up again. Some background: I dated a man for about a year. I had known him for about a year before that; he lived in my town and we got to be good friends, but he had a girlfriend. When they broke up, he and I ended up together. During the year we were involved, it was mostly long distance. He was born in another country and went back there, to deal with his mother's estate after she died, he said. That was one of the things that brought us together, actually--our mothers died at about the same time. So we visited, sometimes for a couple months at a time, but we also spent long periods apart, mostly keeping in touch by nightly skype sessions. Anyway, I slowly realized that he had serious mental health issues and a problem with cocaine. He was often broke and I sent him thousands of dollars over the year we were involved. He told me that he was battling with his cousin in court over an inheritance and that once the battle was over, he would get a large inheritance and could repay me. I finally got tired of this situation about 4 months ago and, with the support of my therapist and my friends at SR, I made a break with him. I changed my phone number and told him I didn't want to hear from him until he was ready to pay me back. But then, as the months went by, I weakened and tried to contact him, but never heard back. A mutual friend told me he was still posting on Facebook, so I assumed he wasn't in jail or dead and tried to accept that I'd dodged a bullet. And then yesterday, after four months, he called me. He told me that he's been in jail all this time--that his cousin charged him with fraud related to their inheritance. He told me that he loves me and wants to come see me, but that he's still broke. I started to ask him for details of what jail he'd been in, how he'd been on facebook, etc., and then he told me he had to go and would call me again in a couple hours. He hasn't called. I have made myself a little crazy since then, looking through "inmate locator" databases online, trying to find some evidence that he was really in jail, but after searching federal, state, and county databases, I have found nothing. (He claimed he was in jail in a certain county.) And anyway, I know he has been active on facebook, and he must have gotten my new phone number from caller ID when I tried to call him a couple months ago, because I never sent it to him in any other way. So, it seems he is a liar, which shouldn't surprise me. I don't know why I even bothered doing the detective work, except that it is reassuring to at least have some evidence that he's lying. I expect that's probably why he hasn't called again, because he realized that I won't except his BS the way I used to. Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance and support to stay strong and not let this guy back in my life based on the BS he's talking. I know you guys are tough and have a talent for cutting through the BS, but please be gentle, I am feeling emotionally exhausted by all this. Thanks for your support!

Ann

He called because he wants you to send money...and thus begin the codependent dance of "he asks, you do". He didn't expect you to be on to him, maybe because you had tried to contact him. My guess is that is why he gave it another shot. I hate to sound cold, I promise you that my heart hurts for you, but imagine the money he could raise if he had 10 women like you, each sending him money.

I am so sorry he has used you, but please just accept your losses as the cost of experience and don't fall for it again.

Hugs

EnglishGarden

I'm glad you haven't let him close to you again. I find your descriptions of him very unsettling and want you to be safe.

If ever you feel you must know whether or not he has a criminal background, it is possible to pay a fee on sites like peoplefinders.com and get some information. Do this only if you feel you must, though, because our codependent impulse can be to pursue in unhealthy ways. But if he contacts you again, and you feel you need to know if he has a record, to protect yourself, it is one way to find out.

His behavior, though, and his con artist ways have already told you enough. I hope you can be at peace about the money you lost. Many of us here have lost a lot of money by walking away from marriages and possessions, to save ourselves.

I'm glad your thinking is clear and you are taking good care of yourself. It's great to share this with SR, too, because you will probably help many others who are being deceived.

KuanYin

Ann and EnglishGarden have made very good points. Add to that, you noticed in the beginning he had mental health problems and a cocaine problem. And he's a pathological liar. This does not make for a healthy, balanced relationship. Frankly I would chalk the lost money up as "tuition", in life lessons learned, and simply be greatful that you did not allow him to talk you out of even more money. Might want to think about changing your number? You deserve much better than this. ****{hugs}}}

lesliej

hey there, nice to see you back here but sorry for the reason...I am glad that you are coming to get some strength.

sometimes it helps me to think about all the movies, plays, poems and songs that have been written about not so pleasant connections. we are not alone! it is easy to be charmed and duped and manipulated by a person, and when they have used you under the guise of love it can be painful and shaming...so we get bound to them, because we need to keep trying to prove our worst fears wrong.

I think you came here because you intuitively know it is wrong. usually when we ask for advice we already know the answer...but we want some help admitting it to ourselves.
I remember your story, and in mythic story terms he is like a financial vampire. look at all the films out there...these types of people are always very smooth, usually good looking, charming, suave...and they suck up all your resources.

my ex is kind of a jekyll/hyde character or...even a werewolf. seriously, he'll tell you that himself. these sorts of mythic/fictional characters come out of the collective psyche of humanity. anyway, I don't mean to sound bizarre, but really, somehow the fact that these sorts of behaviors are archetypal help me to accept that I am in the midst of one of those stories!

don't let him put you in a trance! don't "invite him in"!!

eyeswideshut1

Thanks so much to all of you for your support! You're right, Leslie, I think I knew that I can't go back to the situation with my AXBF when I posted, and I wanted some affirmation. And yes, you're right, Ann, I think he called and tried to pass off this crazy story on me because he wanted money and thought maybe I was ready to be his unquestioning enabler again. I could hear him sniffling on the phone! Maybe a cold, but I suspect cocaine. But despite all of this evidence that he's a pathological liar, I do need the strength of others at these moments. I think this is especially true for me because I grew up with two alcoholic parents and learned at a young age to ignore or repress my gut feelings. So thanks to all of you for affirming my gut! It's tired of being ignored!

eyeswideshut1

Ugh, it upsets me to read this post and see how full of resolve I was when he first contacted me and know how much I have slipped back into this situation since then. After that first telephone call, I didn't hear from him for a week. I figured that he was put off by the fact that I was onto his lies, and I was relieved, although also a little sad worrying about him. Then yesterday he called again. He tried to insist that he's been in jail, and I told him that I was having a hard time believing him. I told him that I had searched all the inmate locators for him that I could find and he wasn't in any of them, and I reminded him that I knew he'd been posting on facebook. For a while, he continued to insist that he really was in jail. He said that there must be some mistake with the inmate locators, and that his friend had his facebook password and maybe he'd been posting. But I kept telling him that I just didn't believe him, and that if he were lying, I'd rather he just be honest with me, and finally he broke down and told me that he had a nervous breakdown after the last time we spoke four months ago and has been in a mental institution until just recently. He admitted that he had internet access there, but he said that he just didn't want to contact me--presumably because I was demanding that he repay me.

He said he was embarrassed to admit he was in a mental hospital and that's why he lied. And then he started crying and begging for my help, saying he is homeless and needs a little money so he can take a bus to see his aunt, who has promised to help him. And then *I* broke down and said fine, I would send him a little money and a bus ticket, but that this was the last money I would ever send him. He promised me that when he gets to his aunt's, he will send me proof of all his claims about his inheritance, and the lawyers I supposedly paid for to help him, and whatever else I want to see proof of. At the time, this seemed like a good idea--I wanted to at least see some evidence that not everything he told me was a lie. But today I am wondering what the point of all of it is. There is still a part of him that I love--on his good days, he is smart and funny and sweet. But I just can't imagine us building a good relationship. How could I ever trust him? He is a pathological liar. And he is mentally disturbed enough that, if he's telling the truth, he just spent several months in an asylum! The evidence is right there in my face. He swears he hasn't done cocaine in almost a year, he swears that he loves me and wants to be with me, that he is feeling better after several months sober in the institution (he was still smoking pot after he supposedly quit coke). But I think he was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. I don't think he really wants to have a life with me; I think he just called because he wanted money. And he got what he wanted. He manipulated me like the pro he is. When he started crying and told me he was homeless, I felt so sorry for him that I caved and gave him money. It wasn't a lot, but I've still entered into that cody dance again that Ann warned me about.

I just don't know where to go from here. I already changed my number four months ago, the last time I tried to break with him, and so changing it again would be kind of embarrassing--I'd have to tell all my friends again and they'd wonder why I keep changing my number. (Most of my friends don't even know about this relationship. Red flag, right?) But I really hope I can at least stick to my boundary of not sending him ANY more money and find a way to minimize contact. But honestly, that cody in me is just dying to patch it up, make it right, fix it, ugh. I haven't been with anyone since I last saw him eight months ago, and I am lonely and vulnerable. I've got to find a way to be tough! Help! And I know you guys are going to give me a kick in the pants. Just please kick gently. It's my birthday, and it hasn't been a very happy one.

Zoenob

Happy Birthday Eyeswideshut1. ((((((Hugs))))))))

I know it has been a hard day for you today but it doesn't have to end badly. I think you have probably kicked your own pants all day long so you wont get that from me. Don't let this man rob you of your special day! Today is your Bday and you have plenty of people on this site that are here for you and wish you well. You are a codie which means you are a kind, giving, and loving person. Don't waste those wonderful qualities on him, instead give yourself those things. You deserve to be kind, giving, and loving to yourself, especially on this beautiful day of your birth!

Happy Birthday! Love and best wishes to you from Dixie!

P.S. Change your number again. Who cares what your friends think, trust that they are your friends and wont judge you. Better to be embarrassed than hustled by a con artist again.

Zoenob

Just in case you didn't get that,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE SPECIAL AND TODAY IS A GREAT DAY!

Hollyanne

Happy Birthday!
:day1
Too tired to comment, you know the answer.
Remember your "gut".

zoso77

When I read this, I was going to comment on it. Then I saw Ann said what I was going to.

Those in active addiction are incapable of true love. They may be capable of tender moments, here and there, and that's the stuff that snares us and can keep us locked into a very unhealthy dance.

As for your birthday...yes, this stinks, and I feel for you. But I'm not going to kick you in the pants. You already know what you need to do. Sometimes we need a little reassurance that although what we have to do is difficult, it's the right thing to do. And that's why you posted what you did.

Sit with your feelings. Acknowledge them for what they are. Accept you'll have peaks and valleys...and then, I can assure you, if you keep doing the right things, the valleys won't be as deep or as long.

Be safe.

ZoSo

EnglishGarden

I so understand what you did, eyeswideshut, because there have been times in my life when I have been so incredibly gullible that to this day I still feel shame about it, and I have to work on it in therapy when the shame rears its ugly head once more.

I, too, had abandoning parents and I think there is a curtain of denial in me that just automatically shuts out the truth when I do not want to believe something about someone. It is as if this denial has a life of its own. And it is only later--as for you now--that the fog lifts and I see what a fool I was. And I feel shame.

I envy people with street smarts. There are people on SR --are you listening anvilhead --who seem incredibly street smart and I envy that. So--since I am very aware that I am very gullible and want to believe people WHO HAVE NOT YET EARNED MY TRUST OVER TIME--what I do is just accept I can be conned and I run things by my closest friends or my therapist before I take any action or make any decisions. (And--like you --I have also lost money by "loaning" it to people who never had any intention of paying it back. My savvy friends would have smelled a rat in a heart beat, but not me. I had to learn the hard way.)

If you did only this--the money thing you describe today--then I say thank God! Thank God you did not invite him to your home, sleep with him, let him stay for months like a stray dog, and then find yourself abandoned after he says something awful to you about you on his way out the door. Because a man who uses women as objects, he always says something awful about us when he leaves--to puff himself up--and it sometimes takes us years to believe that what he said isn't true. Thank God that did not happen to you.

I want to wish you a happy birthday!!! Have you had cake? Made a wish? Did you buy yourself something lovely or go somewhere lovely like a duck pond or a tea shop?

You are alive, you are healthy, you are safe today. And that is a really happy birthday.

eyeswideshut1

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eyeswideshut1

Thanks for the birthday wishes and the kind words and encouragement! I did ride horses today, which is so therapeutic for me. No cake, but I'm planning a birthday dinner with friends for later in the week. So tonight I will try to just relax, think kind thoughts to myself, and be thankful for the good things in my life. And I will muddle through somehow with Mr. Con Man! I do find the idea of changing my number again so humiliating--it's all that shame about my own gullibility and capacity for denial that you mention, English Garden. But I will figure something out...

tbeit

Or you could just block his #.It is very easy to do are we talking cell or home phone? I would google it I have my n/c person blocked from both on my cell it sends them to voice mail because its my elderly mother and if something was to happen to her I would like to know.I'm not sure what happens when she calls my home phone but I do know I haven't been harassed with her drama since August which is good for my serenity.I wish I could not except her voice mails either but I'm a work in progress. I suggest total blocking for you because he's never going to get the info he promised you but will probably call again with another sob story next time he needs a fix.I'm sorry you have to do this but you need to protect yourself. So no need to change your # again


ps when she texts me she gets a message saying I'm not excepting her texts either

eyeswideshut1

Thanks for that suggestion, Tbeit! And I'm sorry to hear about your mother. It must be very difficult to distance yourself from her, but it sounds like it's the right choice for you! I sometimes think about how things would be if my Mom were still alive and still drinking. She had a stroke in her 40s, probably caused at least partly by her drinking, and after that she stopped drinking but was handicapped for life, and passed away just a couple years ago. Anyway, I sometimes think about how difficult it would be to deal with her if she were still alive and still drinking. In many ways I adored her and we were very close, but she could also be very cruel when she drank. So I admire your courage in dealing with that.

As far as blocking his number, right now he is calling me from payphones. He says he is homeless, with no cell phone. So unfortunately, there's no way to block his number. I think I may just have to explain to him that I can't be his financial enabler anymore and I can't go back to thinking of him as a boyfriend because I cannot trust him. I hope maybe he will accept it. I hope I have the strength to be firm. Either way, you all will be sure to hear about it.

Fandy

just another thought for you. It's not humiliating to protect yourself from being harrassed and conned out of your hard-earned money. change your number and get some sort of alarm protection for your house, he could be looking for your address and break in.

did he give you the name of the hospital where he was housed? the name of his counselor? i'm betting no.

if someone came to you with this story how would you advise them?

Happy Birthday and I hope you have a wonderful healthy year! (you do not want this high drama person in your life)

suki44883

I agree with changing your phone number. It isn't that hard and a simple email to your friends and associates can advise them of the change. It is done in business all the time. However, if you just don't want to do that, then I totally agree with not answering the phone if you don't recognize the number. If, by chance you do answer, when you realize it is him, IMMEDIATELY hang up. Don't say a word. Keep doing that and he'll eventually get the message that you don't want to talk to him. If you truly want him out of your life, you are going to have to be the one to make that happen and you are going to have to be consistent.

lesliej

dear eyeswideshut

It is a new year for you...happy belated bday!...and it is time to consider a name change to eyes wide OPEN. I would bet that there is not a single person on this site that believes his story. It is time for you to be completely awake to the con that has you hooked. It is time for you to get some assistance at looking within yourself...there is something, some delicate, beautiful, part of yourself that is HOOKED and you need to go in and find that part of yourself and give it love. You are trying to get the love you need from this conman and you are not going to get it.

In some instances reading the story from the outside just seems so so so so clear. Unless there are major parts that you are not sharing there is a really really really big disconnect here. You need to disconnect from the idea of getting the love that you need from him and RE-Connect with that part of yourself that so determinedly dreams of getting love from the con.

You are starting to reveal that part of yourself by coming here...keep revealing!! You are focused on a phone issue right now...what is going on inside your spirit?

eyeswideshut1

Thanks so much to you guys for taking the time to share your thoughts and wisdom! I know it would be ideal to change my number, and I understand that I shouldn't be ashamed to protect myself, but there is something pretty deep down in me that doesn't want to deal with the questions it would raise from my friends. I do have the ringer turned off, and it's tucked away in my purse, so I wouldn't notice if the phone did ring. I guess that's something. I can return the messages of people who deserve my time and ignore his.

I think you're right, Leslie, that this is bigger than just the phone issue. The problem is, what is motivating me to continue "helping" this guy who I know is a liar and an addict? Maybe a little bit of it is still about looking for love. That was definitely my main motivation at the beginning. But really I can't honestly say I love him any more, at least not in a romantic way. I feel kind of appalled by him, really. But I still pity him. I believe that he really was homeless this week, however he got there. I bought the ticket for him to his aunt's town directly from Greyhound, and he has always told me he has an aunt in that town, and I called Greyhound yesterday and he did use the ticket, so...I guess he really did want to get to her. Who knows if the psych ward story is true--whether it is or isn't, either way it doesn't bode well for his capacity to be someone's boyfriend!

Anyway, I don't really see him at this point as someone who could give me a fulfilling relationship, but I do feel weirdly responsible for him, and I guess that's what I need to root out somehow. I think maybe it stems partly from the fact that we lost our Mom's at the same time and bonded over that. I sometimes feel like he's this motherless orphan who needs help, even though he is a grown man who should learn to help himself. Maybe by trying to help him I am trying to heal the part of me that hurts from losing my mother? And maybe it makes me feel big and powerful, being able to wipe someone's cares away with a couple phone calls and a little cash? Ugh. I guess I just have to sit with this for a while. Maybe in the end I will decide to change my number. I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday and will talk it over with her. In any case, the good news is that I have no intention of letting him back into my life on a physical level.