Being codependent
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Being codependent
I need an intervention or something.
My ex is toxic and terrible for me. I need my own life, want to move on, but can't seem to let him go so he can move on. I know it's because I don't want him to love someone else...been through this topic recently with my therapist.
But, to have him be done and walk away and try to move past us and me to keep searching him out is messed up..on my end.
He is my drug. I've never been addicted to any substances in my life but I believe love is one of those things you can get addicted to. Drama, chaos...I have this need to cause "trouble" in my life. Not big trouble, just enough to make it exciting.
Last night my exAB was out for St. Patty's Day and I "needed" to see him. Just wanted to be sure he was okay..needed to have my "fix". I sat in my car outside the bar I figured he was in talking to myself that I didn't need to do this. To leave him alone and go home. But, I didn't. He didn't end up being there and I left. But, I had this nagging feeling inside the whole way home. I didn't want to leave there. So, I called him. He was surprised to hear from me. I wanted to see him and I would have loved to have him sleep next to me, but then I want him gone the next morning. Too many issues and control having him around all day. Luckily for me they were having sobriety checks near my house so that kept him from coming over.
But, this need I have for him...I don't want him in my life, controlling it and being verbally abusive to me and all that goes with it. But, I have this NEED to be with him. What I NEED to do is break it. I've never had this much trouble letting someone go. It feels like an absolute addiction.
What the hell am I going to do to get away from this? How do I get past the initial feelings I get to call him or try to find him? It feels like it gets stronger instead of getting better.
My ex is toxic and terrible for me. I need my own life, want to move on, but can't seem to let him go so he can move on. I know it's because I don't want him to love someone else...been through this topic recently with my therapist.
But, to have him be done and walk away and try to move past us and me to keep searching him out is messed up..on my end.
He is my drug. I've never been addicted to any substances in my life but I believe love is one of those things you can get addicted to. Drama, chaos...I have this need to cause "trouble" in my life. Not big trouble, just enough to make it exciting.
Last night my exAB was out for St. Patty's Day and I "needed" to see him. Just wanted to be sure he was okay..needed to have my "fix". I sat in my car outside the bar I figured he was in talking to myself that I didn't need to do this. To leave him alone and go home. But, I didn't. He didn't end up being there and I left. But, I had this nagging feeling inside the whole way home. I didn't want to leave there. So, I called him. He was surprised to hear from me. I wanted to see him and I would have loved to have him sleep next to me, but then I want him gone the next morning. Too many issues and control having him around all day. Luckily for me they were having sobriety checks near my house so that kept him from coming over.
But, this need I have for him...I don't want him in my life, controlling it and being verbally abusive to me and all that goes with it. But, I have this NEED to be with him. What I NEED to do is break it. I've never had this much trouble letting someone go. It feels like an absolute addiction.
What the hell am I going to do to get away from this? How do I get past the initial feelings I get to call him or try to find him? It feels like it gets stronger instead of getting better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I suggest not seeing him TODAY. Each day decide that. You need a recovery buddy you can call (Alanon?) when the urge gets srong. Don't worry, the craving will stop. Yes, it's a different drug but a drug nevertheless.
It helps to think through the action of seeing him. How will it go? What will happen? What will you feel? Because this is only about hurting yourself.
It helps to think through the action of seeing him. How will it go? What will happen? What will you feel? Because this is only about hurting yourself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I relate,
One day at a time ,one hour at a time .. one minute at a time..
The first days/weeks are VERY difficult but once the fog starts lifting it gets much easier and you realize the person was not that great after all, and that there's someone who is worth the attention & love that has been forgotten for too long (you!)
Hugs!
One day at a time ,one hour at a time .. one minute at a time..
The first days/weeks are VERY difficult but once the fog starts lifting it gets much easier and you realize the person was not that great after all, and that there's someone who is worth the attention & love that has been forgotten for too long (you!)
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: somewhere better
Posts: 49
i agree with all that has been said, and the one minute, one hour, one day thing does help. i focused on the short term at first and days become weeks, weeks months etc.. am now 7 months in.
saying that that does not mean it is easy, changing the thought process is hard and learning still. i feel your pain but it does lessen. sometimes i still crave or feel like i have been smacked on the head with a shovel missing it all and it passes.
simple things like shopping, cleaning, all the suiff we do day to day help. tea and talking are my saviour talking and talking more. hope you have support there you can use.
i ate alot initially and gained weight, now i eat well walk cycle do lots of exercise feel like it clears my head, every morning and it sets my day up. still have up and down day but so much better than it was. never thought i would be where i am now still hard but worth the work. some days the ups and down happen all day so many triggers, stay strong and use all the support you can. its okay to feel this way, hope it improves.
saying that that does not mean it is easy, changing the thought process is hard and learning still. i feel your pain but it does lessen. sometimes i still crave or feel like i have been smacked on the head with a shovel missing it all and it passes.
simple things like shopping, cleaning, all the suiff we do day to day help. tea and talking are my saviour talking and talking more. hope you have support there you can use.
i ate alot initially and gained weight, now i eat well walk cycle do lots of exercise feel like it clears my head, every morning and it sets my day up. still have up and down day but so much better than it was. never thought i would be where i am now still hard but worth the work. some days the ups and down happen all day so many triggers, stay strong and use all the support you can. its okay to feel this way, hope it improves.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 49
itsmylife-Thank you for starting this thread!!! I too am struggling with this
I despise this "addiction" I have to my ex...I have never been addicted to any type of substance before either, but I become addicted to chaos and drama, probably due to living my entire life that way growing up-after I left home, the cycle still continued as I sought out men that would give me that "high." I hate this! I am trying sooo hard to stop, yet after about 1 month of going No contact, I start slipping. I did this about a month and a half ago, and was feeling pretty good about myself, and out of nowhere, I called him and it started back up again
My ex is probably one of the worst men I have met. I have had some pretty bad men in my life, but he is truly bad. I guess we can come here and look for support when we get weak? Hang in there **hugs**
I despise this "addiction" I have to my ex...I have never been addicted to any type of substance before either, but I become addicted to chaos and drama, probably due to living my entire life that way growing up-after I left home, the cycle still continued as I sought out men that would give me that "high." I hate this! I am trying sooo hard to stop, yet after about 1 month of going No contact, I start slipping. I did this about a month and a half ago, and was feeling pretty good about myself, and out of nowhere, I called him and it started back up againMy ex is probably one of the worst men I have met. I have had some pretty bad men in my life, but he is truly bad. I guess we can come here and look for support when we get weak? Hang in there **hugs**
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Thanks for all your input everyone 
Skye, I seem to be able to go about a month as well and don't know what happens. My exbf and I have never been apart longer than that over the last 3 years.
I find myself torn for reasons I can't explain. He is verbally abusive, short tempered, an alcoholic and a pothead. Oh, did I mention he's also unemployed and I won't mention how he makes a few bucks here and there.
It's SO wrong for me and my kids. I don't even allow him to come around my kids anymore, or my family since he behaved quite badly at one of my family's birthday celebrations.
So, why am I torn? Wish I freakin knew. Because something about his "love" keeps me going back. And, the reason I believe he keeps the door open to me is obvious...no one in their right mind would put up with the crap I have and endure all I've gone through. He has said himself that he tries to find someone to date him while we are apart but no one likes him. Must be he's hanging in a smart, intelligent crowd. Used to believe I fit into that category myself but not anymore.
I'm just tired of feeling like I finally get somewhere only to take a step back ....again.
It's a lot like doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result. Doesn't happen.
Skye, I seem to be able to go about a month as well and don't know what happens. My exbf and I have never been apart longer than that over the last 3 years.
I find myself torn for reasons I can't explain. He is verbally abusive, short tempered, an alcoholic and a pothead. Oh, did I mention he's also unemployed and I won't mention how he makes a few bucks here and there.
It's SO wrong for me and my kids. I don't even allow him to come around my kids anymore, or my family since he behaved quite badly at one of my family's birthday celebrations.
So, why am I torn? Wish I freakin knew. Because something about his "love" keeps me going back. And, the reason I believe he keeps the door open to me is obvious...no one in their right mind would put up with the crap I have and endure all I've gone through. He has said himself that he tries to find someone to date him while we are apart but no one likes him. Must be he's hanging in a smart, intelligent crowd. Used to believe I fit into that category myself but not anymore.
I'm just tired of feeling like I finally get somewhere only to take a step back ....again.
It's a lot like doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result. Doesn't happen.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
I too am struggling with this. I tend to blame myself and think If i would of just been there for him, things would have been diffrent. I miss him EVERY SINGLE DAY and it has been 3 months (together 6 years) I see a theripist tomorrow to help me cope with my addiction to him. He left me for "not fighting for him" meaning, i didnt let my friends or family see him cuz i was afraid he would relapse...low and behold he did. Then dumped me for another women he claimed he fell i love with after 2 weeks. ;(
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow 
Thanks for all your input everyone
Skye, I seem to be able to go about a month as well and don't know what happens. My exbf and I have never been apart longer than that over the last 3 years.
I find myself torn for reasons I can't explain. He is verbally abusive, short tempered, an alcoholic and a pothead. Oh, did I mention he's also unemployed and I won't mention how he makes a few bucks here and there.
It's SO wrong for me and my kids. I don't even allow him to come around my kids anymore, or my family since he behaved quite badly at one of my family's birthday celebrations.
So, why am I torn? Wish I freakin knew. Because something about his "love" keeps me going back. And, the reason I believe he keeps the door open to me is obvious...no one in their right mind would put up with the crap I have and endure all I've gone through. He has said himself that he tries to find someone to date him while we are apart but no one likes him. Must be he's hanging in a smart, intelligent crowd. Used to believe I fit into that category myself but not anymore.
I'm just tired of feeling like I finally get somewhere only to take a step back ....again.
It's a lot like doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result. Doesn't happen.
Skye, I seem to be able to go about a month as well and don't know what happens. My exbf and I have never been apart longer than that over the last 3 years.
I find myself torn for reasons I can't explain. He is verbally abusive, short tempered, an alcoholic and a pothead. Oh, did I mention he's also unemployed and I won't mention how he makes a few bucks here and there.
It's SO wrong for me and my kids. I don't even allow him to come around my kids anymore, or my family since he behaved quite badly at one of my family's birthday celebrations.
So, why am I torn? Wish I freakin knew. Because something about his "love" keeps me going back. And, the reason I believe he keeps the door open to me is obvious...no one in their right mind would put up with the crap I have and endure all I've gone through. He has said himself that he tries to find someone to date him while we are apart but no one likes him. Must be he's hanging in a smart, intelligent crowd. Used to believe I fit into that category myself but not anymore.
I'm just tired of feeling like I finally get somewhere only to take a step back ....again.
It's a lot like doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result. Doesn't happen.
Maybe make a list of all the things he has done to you, keep it somewhere handy so you can look at it. Keep yourself busy and when you feel like calling or making contact with him at the 1 month mark, come here and post, so we all can keep you from relapsing! I know that is what I plan on doing.
I don't think its *love* you feel for him, maybe more of an addiction? Just a thought...
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by justrae83
I too am struggling with this. I tend to blame myself and think If i would of just been there for him, things would have been diffrent. I miss him EVERY SINGLE DAY and it has been 3 months (together 6 years) I see a theripist tomorrow to help me cope with my addiction to him. He left me for "not fighting for him" meaning, i didnt let my friends or family see him cuz i was afraid he would relapse...low and behold he did. Then dumped me for another women he claimed he fell i love with after 2 weeks. ;(
My ex has complained as well during times of break-ups that I didn't fight for him. Wasn't he worth it? One time he gave me 24 hours to fight for him or it was over. But, seriously, what are you fighting for? To be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect himself or you? Who abuses alcohol and drugs and does and says inappropriate things? I mean, from our standpoint there isn't anything worth fighting for.
For them, it's all about them. It's everyone else's fault they drink too much, can't get their house in order, can't do anything productive. Easier to blame you for not sticking with them then accept the fact they have no control over their own life.
Good luck...I hope your therapist helps you
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by Skye10
Maybe make a list of all the things he has done to you, keep it somewhere handy so you can look at it. Keep yourself busy and when you feel like calling or making contact with him at the 1 month mark, come here and post, so we all can keep you from relapsing! I know that is what I plan on doing.
I don't think its *love* you feel for him, maybe more of an addiction? Just a thought...
The addiction part may be very true as well. Working through that one. I'll keep posting here as I know it's a place where others understand what this is like. :codiepolice <<< --- I need one of these to come to my house!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 30
This sounds just like me! my ex is everything bad written above. My ex its in jail now and I think I can get over him...he thinks he's gonna live with me after he gets paroled...ha ha ha funny. Good luck to ALL of you women who posted about their loser exes...these guys don't do anything good for us...let us all get away from this b.s....WE ARE WORTH IT!!!
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