ShaneW

I go to meetings daily, twice on Sunday, and am pretty comfortable sharing. But I had some pretty heavy S go down earlier this week...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ative-sos.html

and when I tried to share about it in Wednesday meeting I had a meltdown and basically balled uncontrollaby for several minutes, only able to get a couple sentences out, but it was enough and I got a lot of support after. Thing is, I felt a little snakebit about sharing these last 3 nights, as I almost assume the meltdown will begin again as soon as I start talking. I have talked to several folks in my network privately about what happened and that has helped greatly. But because I havent shared last 3 nights, I need to tell on myself about a couple smallish things that I otherwise wouldve shared at meetings.

1 - watched the movie "Young Adult" Thursday night, and (not spoiling anything) Charlize Therons character is basically a raging alcoholic having a breakdown during whole movie. Its an ok watch, but thing is all the drinking made me a little...I dont know...sad. Sad because of the finality of the decision to quit drinking I guess. I did not once consider drinking, or really desire to do it. I just felt empty after watching the movie & had to wonder if all this is really worth it...

I know the answer. But I just had to tell on myself for thinking that, then.


2 - was invited to an old friends St Pattys BBQ. And while it wouldve been normal for me, even in the worst of my drinking days, to stay sober at a good friends BBQ (I was big into solitary secret drinking), I gotta admit I had run things over in my head and had some bad thoughts about it. I DIDNT drink or anything. In fact, he pushed the start time so I just bailed entirely and went to my usual meeting instead (even picked up yet another service position possibly). But while the running the BBQ through my head beforehand, I pictured myself telling those couple friends who dont know I quit yet, that I did quit...and then also had the little devil on my other shoulder tell me, well if those friends that DO already know you quit dont show up, then no one there knows you are sober...I.e. no consequences if you did drink.

Anyways, I know had I gone I wouldve done the right thing and sipped H2O or whatever, but just the fact that that little devil on my shoulder even showed up...I had to tell on myself about.

Sapling

You have nothing to tell on...You're human...You're an alcoholic...Those thoughts happen and you're still not drinking...My hat's off to you...Keep it up....

ShaneW

thx Sap. yeah its almost more that I wanna tell on myself that Im getting hesitant about sharing in meetings after my meltdown. I plan to talk about this at both meetings today...

Sapling

If it bothers you...You can't find a better group of people to talk about it with...

LoftyIdeals

Shane...I admire you for how you've handled all you've been through. And, I encourage you to share, as you plan to. Those little "can I get away with it" thoughts are often, in my experience, precursors to a relapse. You are right to be concerned about them, and I'm glad you thought to share here. Stay strong in your meetings, and in your sobriety. And Kudos for your actions with your relative.

sugarbear1

I would share that with my sponsor, but that's me.

I wasn't impressed with that movie. It was sad. It was one of us looking to recreate the past. We can't do that, no one can. She was very deluded in her thinking. Yeah, just sad, and sad is okay because we can move forward today.

Thoughts are only thoughts. We don't act on them. I've had some really wild thoughts for the last 10 months, but didn't act on them, and that is recovery.

Have a peaceful Sunday!

camedown

What SB said, they're just thoughts. I'm finding that the process is not the alleviation of these kind of thoughts, they don't go away, but the fact that they pass with much more ease as time goes by, and have much less a hold on us.

ShaneW

Well I shared BIG in both my meetings today. We do a "family" meeting at a house Sunday afternoons...I told them everything, some of them already knew of course. I feel lucky to be in the sponsor family tree that I am. Good dudes.

2nd meeting was the Closed meeting that I once had a problem with because my first visit wasnt as good as with other meetings:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-question.html
Things have obviously gotten better, and I even took a service position, but while driving to it tonight I realized that I had never shared any part of my history with them. 8 different meetings a week, and Thursday I bounce around a lot, so I lost track of where Ive shared what.

Sorta made me think, well gee...you get back what you put in & I hadnt put in much. So I resolved that tonight and told my back story. I think because its my double duty meeting day, and that meeting is real close to my house, I think I was on cruise control and I aim to further correct that. May start a 2nd thread cause I told 3 civilians my entire story this week (Sis & 1 of best friends included).

Thanks as always for the replies and support. I feel lucky to be in the SR online family tree that I am. Lots of fantastic people.

instant

Shane whatever goes down be kind to yourself. In my experience I have had to learn being with myself and being myself when I am with others. There are a lot of distractions, internal and external. I expect it can be hard for anyone. You have been through a lot and you are doing your bit, and should be proud. Sobriety is well worth the effort it takes to get there.