Windblown

My spouse has been abusing 8 ballz/glass cleaner and bath salts and alcohol and weed for a year. He has kept his job. Last night he did coke and let another woman lay all over him at a party that I was not at. He would not let me read his text messages because he had something to hide. He has locked his phone. He has barred me from his computer. He lies all the time I do not trust him. He is starting to have trouble at work. He refuses to get help. There is no trust. He loves to flirt with other women when I am not around. He is into Internet porn. We barely have sex and don't sleep together. I have tried to employ the Buddhist concepts of patience and compassion but last night after finding out about the other woman I am ready to call it quits. He got a DUI for marijuana last year. However, he functions in society...though he was weird and indifferent to my son and his navy buddies who stayed here a week. Never even spoke to them. I don't believe anything he says. I know he must feel bad aout himself but I feel I could have a better life away from him. I love the man he was before the snorting drugs. I have no job due to an injury and am waiting on a workmen's comp trial. I have some inheritance but I live in a state that is equal.wondering what to do. I also realize my faults and if he has a problem with me, I listen and correct it out of respect for him. I don't get this in return. He is not abusive. I am 49...kinda old to start over. We have been married 8 years.

TMZ

I can't tell you what is best for you that must be your own choice. It sounds like he has been a functioning A for quite some time and it is progressing. He is getting himself in more and more trouble. I find when they reach that stage it's like a snowball rolling down hill, it just gathers more trouble.

Have you spoke with him about seeking help? Especially when he gut the DUI? Have you asked him to go to an NA or AA meeting? I know we have no control over the addicts in our lives, but sometimes we have a chance to influence them. Have you gone to Nar-anon for your recovery?

I will say that trust is the foundation of a relationship and it sounds like there is a lack of it on both sides from what you have posted.

I know I am not much help with your dilemma right now but I wanted you to know you were herd.

Heartbroken0608

It sounds as though your marriage has been over for a while... No trust, no sex, not sleeping in the same bed, etc. only you know what's right for you and your family but try taking a step back and look at the situation with your head instead of your heart. It is never too late to start over!! I know a 93 year old woman who decided she wanted a change. She sold the home she had built 60 years ago and bought herself a fancy new condo with granite, stainless appliances, etc. it was in an active community where she participated in all the events. She fell one night doing the chicken dance (in high heels mind you) and never fully recoverd. However, those last few years of her life were the best she ever had!

I have to ask... Window cleaner????

suki44883

You are never too old to start taking care of yourself and doing what is best for you. Don't let your age stop you from living the kind of life you want. If you do nothing, in ten years you will be 59 and what will have changed? You deserve a peaceful life without addiction and a man who lies and probably cheats on you. You won't get that if you don't make some changes.

Windblown

Thanks everybody. He used to be in A.A. but vehemently refuses to go back. I understand that A.A. Is not for everyone. I am in alanon with a sponsor. Maybe I'll give her a call. Thanks for listening. Think I'm just going to take it slow, an not make any huge decisions but I will go and gather info. from a mediator or attorney. I will prepare and see how it goes. I just have to be straight, true, gentle and non accusatory...no fighting. I have to detach and find some friends. He was my best friend. I think if he were to share with me all the Sisley details, we could get through it. He was intimant while I was not around. We always had a rule about that. Big no no. I will never have sex with him without a condom again. And he hates condoms. Too bad. I read that most men that cheat don't wear condoms and that girl may have had an std. I hope he gets better because he is a truly lovely man but it has been a year of lies and time is running out. I pray that I don't obsess over this...one of my problems I am working on. I guess I'll head to a meeting. Thanks again.

Wing

As long as he's taking coke, he doesn't care about STD, coz he doesn't care about his own health. I'm so mad as my freaking exAbf slept with whores without condom and even tried to get me back!

Windblown

Get a load of this. So we talked this morning and he said he made all that stuff up. He said he actually met a woman online and went off to meet her! But that nothing happened! He said he knew it was wrong so he didn't do it. And he also said he didn't do coke. But he did not get home until 5:30am. I told him I didn't believe him. Now he is acting all hurt. I also think the second lie is worse than the first because he initiated a meeting...he just didn't have a drunk girl fall in his lap at a friend's house. I told him when an addicts lips are moving...they're lying. I told him I do't trust anything he says, and I don't. He wants to go to marriage counselling and I agreed to,go. I am also definitely calling a mediator and or an attorney Monday and I told him this. I said marriage counselling was fine but what about the drug problem? He said he would go to a meeting. I said action speaks louder than words. I told him I was detached. I will be ok whether the marriage works out or not. I'm leaning towards not unless I see a total,turnaround. I have been putting up with this a year and that is long enough for me. I am scared because stress is part of divorce and stress is hard on me but I will just do the best I can.

EnglishGarden

Oh Windblown, what a life.

Yes, when an addict's lips are moving, he is lying.

And when a codependent's lips are moving, she is minimizing.

You are mistaken. He does abuse you.

Can you afford counseling? What in your history has set you up to have no expectations of being treated with respect and decency? Many of us here have backgrounds of childhood abuse or neglect or abandonment which groomed us to be willing to accept crumbs of affection and to rationalize other people's cruelty.

You are as worthy of consistent love, warm attention, faithfulness, and an honest, sane partner as anyone else on the planet. In fact, God made you so.

I am sorry for the pain you must feel every day. Somehow I hope you find your worth. Counseling and 12-step meetings (Al-Anon, CODA, Nar-Anon) can help. You really do need and deserve help.

You can have a better life than this.

I think individual counseling for you alone is more important than marriage counseling.