this is bad and insane...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
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this is bad and insane...
well I'm here to post that my A husband is an ass. Tonight our 6 yr. old daughter was running around with her brother's stick and husband yanked the stick out of her hand so hard that he not only scared and hurt our little girl but his hand went back and the stick broke the plastic bowl that our 1 1/2 yr. old had been holding. If she hadn't have been holding that bowl....that stick could have stabbed her somewhere else. It wasn't just a twig...it broke the tiny plastic bowl she was holding. I can't begin to explain how stupid I feel that this happened and what happened next was that he felt guilty and said he was leaving and I told him he didn't need to leave but he went outside and sat by the fire and then wanted to know if I had hard feelings about this...since we never get any time to talk and how I will bring this up for days now and how no matter how hard he tries he says he still fails.....he is drinking every day still every waking moment he's not working so I wonder why..he's sleeping now but I keep imagining what would have happened had the baby not been holding that bowl and I just want to scream and cry...and he says why can't the kids just do what they're told?
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
((TCB)) Alcoholism causes so much despair and chaos in families. Thank goodness the stick didn't hit your little girl!
Have you ever tried Al-anon? It really helped me when I was at a dead end with alcoholism. I had lost my own sense of worth and identity, and became completely focused on the worry, fear, and anger caused by alcoholism. I finally got up the courage to try Al-anon. I immediately felt that those people understood what I was going through. They didn't look at me like I was crazy for staying with an alcoholic. They didn't give me a bunch of B.S. advice. They just cared about me until I started caring about myself again.
I don't believe there is one right answer for everybody. I just try to share what worked for me. It has worked for a lot of scared lonely spouses, parents, and children of alcoholics. It has given me the strength to have a life, no matter if the alcoholic is doing ok or not. If you feel anything like I felt, you would probably try anything to feel better right about now. I encourage you to give it a try. If it doesn't work, you haven't lost anything. Good Luck! Magic
Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups
P.S. If you decide not to try a meeting, you can always order some of the literature. I am pretty sure they will still send free pamphlets.
Have you ever tried Al-anon? It really helped me when I was at a dead end with alcoholism. I had lost my own sense of worth and identity, and became completely focused on the worry, fear, and anger caused by alcoholism. I finally got up the courage to try Al-anon. I immediately felt that those people understood what I was going through. They didn't look at me like I was crazy for staying with an alcoholic. They didn't give me a bunch of B.S. advice. They just cared about me until I started caring about myself again.
I don't believe there is one right answer for everybody. I just try to share what worked for me. It has worked for a lot of scared lonely spouses, parents, and children of alcoholics. It has given me the strength to have a life, no matter if the alcoholic is doing ok or not. If you feel anything like I felt, you would probably try anything to feel better right about now. I encourage you to give it a try. If it doesn't work, you haven't lost anything. Good Luck! Magic
Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups
P.S. If you decide not to try a meeting, you can always order some of the literature. I am pretty sure they will still send free pamphlets.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
TCB,
I am sorry to hear this but glad nothing major happened to the kid.
It seems this man is not going to change his drinking and this can have serious consequences to you, to the family. What happens now? are you OK continuing to live like this? you and the kids are in danger and a next similar episode is bound to happen, not a matter of if but a matter of when. Do you realize how serious this is...? I agree it is bad and insane situation.
Who is your real life support system?
If this was post from another SR member, what would be your advice to her?
((Hugs))
I am sorry to hear this but glad nothing major happened to the kid.
It seems this man is not going to change his drinking and this can have serious consequences to you, to the family. What happens now? are you OK continuing to live like this? you and the kids are in danger and a next similar episode is bound to happen, not a matter of if but a matter of when. Do you realize how serious this is...? I agree it is bad and insane situation.
Who is your real life support system?
If this was post from another SR member, what would be your advice to her?
((Hugs))
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((TCB))) I'm so very sorry this happened. I'm sorry to hear that your children were frightened once again by their father and I'm grateful to hear that your baby was not hurt.
It is an insane situation, and it doesn't sound as though he is going to change anytime soon. His only concern is that you NOT throw this event back in his face (as in he doesn't want to face or acknowledge his own behavior).
I hope so much that you do have a face-to-face support system for yourself. Many prayers for you, your children, and your husband.
It is an insane situation, and it doesn't sound as though he is going to change anytime soon. His only concern is that you NOT throw this event back in his face (as in he doesn't want to face or acknowledge his own behavior).
I hope so much that you do have a face-to-face support system for yourself. Many prayers for you, your children, and your husband.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
tcb-
we understand. it is very difficult to verbalize to others exactly the tiny details in life with an alcoholic that go from being fine to dangerous. all in one second.
it's nerve-wracking. the A is not firing correctly in the brain, the motor skills decline and mistakes are made.
while i would imagine it was not his intent to harm the children, the fact is that he did. and the fact remains that next time, someone could really get hurt. and then the grief and remorse normally fuel more drinking. it's a horrible cycle. one minute everything is ok, and the next minute, it is not.
throw in small children and the situation escalates. normal activities like driving, cooking, swimming, pushing a stroller, bathing become a minefield.
well, you know all this. sorry you're going thru this. sounds like you are now in a situation where you will have to make some very tough choices as the sane, sober adult in your children's lives. please don't leave it too late. everyone is still in one piece right now.
he is not trying hard if he is drinking all the time. that's not trying. his main concern is not to get hassle. that is not trying. that is defending and protecting his drinking.
naive
we understand. it is very difficult to verbalize to others exactly the tiny details in life with an alcoholic that go from being fine to dangerous. all in one second.
it's nerve-wracking. the A is not firing correctly in the brain, the motor skills decline and mistakes are made.
while i would imagine it was not his intent to harm the children, the fact is that he did. and the fact remains that next time, someone could really get hurt. and then the grief and remorse normally fuel more drinking. it's a horrible cycle. one minute everything is ok, and the next minute, it is not.
throw in small children and the situation escalates. normal activities like driving, cooking, swimming, pushing a stroller, bathing become a minefield.
well, you know all this. sorry you're going thru this. sounds like you are now in a situation where you will have to make some very tough choices as the sane, sober adult in your children's lives. please don't leave it too late. everyone is still in one piece right now.
he is not trying hard if he is drinking all the time. that's not trying. his main concern is not to get hassle. that is not trying. that is defending and protecting his drinking.
naive
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
So, your plan is to do nothing until one of the kids really does get hurt?
He is a danger to the children in so many ways and not just physically. At 58 I am still dealing with issues from being raised in an alcoholic home.
If you aren't willing to protect them who will?
Your friend,
He is a danger to the children in so many ways and not just physically. At 58 I am still dealing with issues from being raised in an alcoholic home.
If you aren't willing to protect them who will?
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
"and he says why can't the kids just do what they're told?"
This is scary to me he is blaming a toddler for his bad behavior. This is his disease talking telling him (you) that his acting out was someone elses fault.I'm sorry your going through this but you need to protect those kids.
This is scary to me he is blaming a toddler for his bad behavior. This is his disease talking telling him (you) that his acting out was someone elses fault.I'm sorry your going through this but you need to protect those kids.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Dear TCB5568,
Thanks for coming here and for sharing this story.
I grew up in an alcoholic home and I know from experience how bad and insane it can be.
My mom divorced my alcoholic father about 35 years ago. However, I still have memories burned in my brain of my father's unpredictable behavior. When I was a child, I desperately tried to make sense of the chaos. Children often blame themselves and then carry this shame into their adulthood.
Your story reminded me something that happened in our house when I was 8 years old (I'm almost 50 now). My father came home drunk one night with pizza. My brother, sister, and I were so excited because we had pizza AND my father was actually home (he spent most of his time at the bars). As young children often do, my 2 year old brother accidently poured a lot of hot peppers onto the pizza. My father shoved my brother away and he flew across the room.
The picture that is burned in my brain is of my mother, sister, brother, and me huddled together and being scared of what he was going to do next. The mood in the home went from happy to terrified in a split second.
My brother has since gone on to really struggle with his life. He's in his early forties and has never married, has a difficult time working, and blames the world for his problems (just like my dad did).
For the longest time, whenever I got frustrated with my brother I would think back to that scared 2 year old boy whose father pushed him across the room simply because he was excited and caught up in the moment of having his "Daddy" home.
Wow, didn't mean to share so much!
I'm sorry that you are going through this, but am glad that you came here for support.
Please keep yourself and your children safe.
Hugs,
db
Thanks for coming here and for sharing this story.
I grew up in an alcoholic home and I know from experience how bad and insane it can be.
My mom divorced my alcoholic father about 35 years ago. However, I still have memories burned in my brain of my father's unpredictable behavior. When I was a child, I desperately tried to make sense of the chaos. Children often blame themselves and then carry this shame into their adulthood.
Your story reminded me something that happened in our house when I was 8 years old (I'm almost 50 now). My father came home drunk one night with pizza. My brother, sister, and I were so excited because we had pizza AND my father was actually home (he spent most of his time at the bars). As young children often do, my 2 year old brother accidently poured a lot of hot peppers onto the pizza. My father shoved my brother away and he flew across the room.
The picture that is burned in my brain is of my mother, sister, brother, and me huddled together and being scared of what he was going to do next. The mood in the home went from happy to terrified in a split second.
My brother has since gone on to really struggle with his life. He's in his early forties and has never married, has a difficult time working, and blames the world for his problems (just like my dad did).
For the longest time, whenever I got frustrated with my brother I would think back to that scared 2 year old boy whose father pushed him across the room simply because he was excited and caught up in the moment of having his "Daddy" home.
Wow, didn't mean to share so much!
I'm sorry that you are going through this, but am glad that you came here for support.
Please keep yourself and your children safe.
Hugs,
db
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 181
Dbh thank you for sharing that story. It reminds me so much of exact scenes at our house. My 6 yr. Old daughter was holding her arm complaining it hurt and she said she was scared of dad and was never talking to him again..she is also scared of her brother who acts the same way towards her...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Dear TCB5568,
I don't often send cyber hugs, but I'm sending one to you right now.
Keep reaching out. You are not alone.
Wishing both you and your children a bright future. It is possible, regardless of whether or not the alcoholics in our lives stop drinking.
db
I don't often send cyber hugs, but I'm sending one to you right now.
Keep reaching out. You are not alone.
Wishing both you and your children a bright future. It is possible, regardless of whether or not the alcoholics in our lives stop drinking.
db
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 181
I don't know why I said I didn't ask him to leave but He said he was going to and I would have been relieved if he did. I don't want to leave this house with nowhere to go..I just wish he would stop, change or leave and it is so unfair to the kids and I. He called me from work this a.m. and acted like nothing happened...
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
So, your answer is yes, I'm going to wait until one of them gets hurt.
I'd like to protect them but that just seems like too much effort. That was my mom's attitude as well. I haven't spoke to her in 20 years and she has never seen any of her great grandchildren. Both of my daughters made that decision because of things that happened in their past.
I'd like to protect them but that just seems like too much effort. That was my mom's attitude as well. I haven't spoke to her in 20 years and she has never seen any of her great grandchildren. Both of my daughters made that decision because of things that happened in their past.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Originally Posted by TCB5568 
I don't want to leave this house with nowhere to go..
Just saying ...
db
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
TCB -- Broken record time.
Please visit or call your local domestic violence center and enroll your children in counseling. If you don't want it for yourself, at least give your kids the opportunity to share about their fears and terror in a safe environment.
DV Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD
Please visit or call your local domestic violence center and enroll your children in counseling. If you don't want it for yourself, at least give your kids the opportunity to share about their fears and terror in a safe environment.
DV Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
and he says why can't the kids just do what they're told?
and I wondered why my father didn't love me like other fathers love their children.
I did exactly what I was told, my teachers all loved me, said I was an excellent student and could do whatever I wanted to do.
After a while, after my mother divorced him (when I was 12 finally, with a deep fear of men and relationships), I wondered why my own mother let my father scare me, abuse me, yell at me, put me down, slap my face in front of my friends.....do you get it?
I hope you do, before your children do.
Call domestic violence, he is terrifying your children, and then, he has the nerve to blame a toddler! TCB means taking care of business where I come from. TCB.
Beth
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
tcb-
mine was abusive towards me. i was in denial. it took a lot of straight words from the good folk here at SR for me to take my blinders off. it did not happen immediately for me. i was quite good at minimizing his behavior. everyone here kept trying to open my eyes.
while this was going on, i had mixed feelings. sometimes i didn't want to come back here and tell the next thing he had done. because i didn't want to hear what everyone had to say.
my point is, for me, it was critical to come here and document what was going on. it was the one thing which snapped me out of my denial and propelled me into action. it wasn't easy to read what people said and i would imagine the same is true for you.
just hoping you keep reaching out here...the people here have a wealth of knowledge and experience and are truly here to help you and your children. it's not always easy to swallow the advice, at least it wasn't for me, but i do not regret it.
naive
mine was abusive towards me. i was in denial. it took a lot of straight words from the good folk here at SR for me to take my blinders off. it did not happen immediately for me. i was quite good at minimizing his behavior. everyone here kept trying to open my eyes.
while this was going on, i had mixed feelings. sometimes i didn't want to come back here and tell the next thing he had done. because i didn't want to hear what everyone had to say.
my point is, for me, it was critical to come here and document what was going on. it was the one thing which snapped me out of my denial and propelled me into action. it wasn't easy to read what people said and i would imagine the same is true for you.
just hoping you keep reaching out here...the people here have a wealth of knowledge and experience and are truly here to help you and your children. it's not always easy to swallow the advice, at least it wasn't for me, but i do not regret it.
naive
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I remember scenes like this, all too well. As I got a little stronger and a little healthier, my A pushed back a little harder. He knew the dynamics of our relationship were changing, but he didn't know why.
I learned more about boundaries, but in teeny tiny baby steps. I read some literature, and I got up the courage to go to some meetings.
After awhile longer, with the help and guidance of a counselor, I created my safety plan. I started to put away a little bit of money, and I had an extra set of keys, clothes, important papers and a few days worth of medications in a bag at a friend's house.
When I was able, I took a step and found a counselor. I called a hotline. I learned I needed to be stronger and healthier so I could help my children have a better life.
It took me 2, maybe 3 years before I was strong enough and ready to leave. I know that I had the support and love of my recovery friends, and that I couldn't take action UNTIL I was ready. It was a difficult and tragic thing, to know I was in danger if I left, and I was in danger if I stayed.
People who haven't been in this situation just don't understand. They say "why don't you just leave?" and they honestly don't have a clue. I talked to my children, often, about bad choices, bad behavior, consequences etc. They knew a lot more than I thought they did about the dynamics of life in our home. When I took action to change our lives, I was prepared. If I had NOT been prepared, I truly believe the situation would have been very bad.
For those who want to help someone in an abusive situation, here is are a few good threads for reference: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
I learned more about boundaries, but in teeny tiny baby steps. I read some literature, and I got up the courage to go to some meetings.
After awhile longer, with the help and guidance of a counselor, I created my safety plan. I started to put away a little bit of money, and I had an extra set of keys, clothes, important papers and a few days worth of medications in a bag at a friend's house.
When I was able, I took a step and found a counselor. I called a hotline. I learned I needed to be stronger and healthier so I could help my children have a better life.
It took me 2, maybe 3 years before I was strong enough and ready to leave. I know that I had the support and love of my recovery friends, and that I couldn't take action UNTIL I was ready. It was a difficult and tragic thing, to know I was in danger if I left, and I was in danger if I stayed.
People who haven't been in this situation just don't understand. They say "why don't you just leave?" and they honestly don't have a clue. I talked to my children, often, about bad choices, bad behavior, consequences etc. They knew a lot more than I thought they did about the dynamics of life in our home. When I took action to change our lives, I was prepared. If I had NOT been prepared, I truly believe the situation would have been very bad.
For those who want to help someone in an abusive situation, here is are a few good threads for reference: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
CPJs, as an adult I know you are right but too many times I am reading this threads as that little kid wondering why no one will help him. No one should live in fear of a parent.
This was posted by that scared little kid.
This was posted by that scared little kid.
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