janiebluebird

All of you people on here who read the stories of newcomers and give them your time of day and even some of your wisdom are friggen saints. I am so sorry to all of you who tried to help me. I went out drinking with friends today. I feel like the biggest piece of sh-t, ever. I wanted sobriety and I still do. I don’t know how to leave my old life behind but I know that I have to. I have avoided going to AA meetings this whole time, thinking that I can handle this on my own. I was possessed by the addict mind today. I left the city around 8pm tonight when I realized that I was bombed. I thought about all of you people every hour of the day. I want to be sober and I am so, so disappointed in myself. I can’t do it alone. Please don’t write me off.

I especially thought of Sapling telling me to get to a meeting. … I drove to one 2 weeks ago and left the parking lot, scared. Maybe He was right. Maybe I was scared it would really work. I am so disappointed in my life right now. Back to square one.

sugarbear1

never will let anyone down, you are thought of fondly. I know how hard it can be to want to stop and to want to stay stopped, but not knowing how to get one day. I drank or smoked weed, no matter what, I couldn't stay stopped, until one day, I did pray real hard and somehow made it through one day, about a minute at a time, then an hour, a day, another day....

You'll get there! Just one day, don't pick up. simple, not easy

pentuate

Don't be so hard on yourself. What's done is done. Tomorrow is a new day. You can do it.

janiebluebird

Thanks sugarbear. I have friends texting me as to where I went because I left abruptly. I'm so confused about everything. I want to be sober but its so hard for me to leave all of my friends behind and find new ones...in a sober setting.

SomethingBetter

Not many get it right the first time, took me ages to finally string a few weeks together, I finally made a decision, I was done, 100% and made a promise to never drink again, no room for maybes or might’s.

Your NOT a peice of sh-t, you deserve what anyone else deserves.

Keep reading, keep coming back, you’re almost there, if you want to be…

janiebluebird

I sure feel like one, though.

debsam

Oh honey don't be too hard on yourself.

Just promise yourself that you'll learn from this...that's what I had to do. It's better than beating the sh*t outta yourself.

Big hugs

Dano1975

I agree that you should just use this as a learning experience. You're feeling so bad because you really know that you need to be sober, remember this feeling so you don't go back. Go to a meeting tomorrow, don't be scared, you will be amazed at how friendly and welcoming people there will be. They've all been in your shoes at one time or another. Chin up! Tomorrow is a new day.

sober date 6/13/11

sugarbear1

never is a really long time. just today, don't drink. one day. we only have today.

by living in one day, in the "now" we don't worry about yesterday as we can't change it, nor tomorrow, cause things like refrigerators break down, always something that comes up that we can't predict! smile, you can do this!

Dee74

Everyone of us has been where you are, I reckon, Janie - s'ok

There's no point in beating yourself up...just take the lessons to be learned and move on

D

desertsong

Janie, I've been where you are many times. This is my fourth time getting sober in the past year and I'm on Day 12. If everybody got it right the first time, it would be a miracle. This is no easy thing we're doing and if anyone understands what you're going through, we do.

Please don't be so hard on yourself ... it's that disgust and self-loathing that keeps us in the pit. Recognize that you are human, you have an addiction that wants to hold onto you, and that all you can do is start again tomorrow and give it your best effort. I would really recommend an AA meeting and getting a good sponsor ASAP too - it has made a world of difference for me.

Nobody here is going to write you off, so please don't worry about that. We're here to support you. Learn from this and start over again tomorrow with our full support.

janiebluebird

I'm going to sleep now. I turned my phone off a little while ago. I was honestly sitting here sobbing for a bit. I don't know what it was from, I was drinking earlier but had a train ride home, had to get home from it. Not totally drunk now but just sad in a different way. I'm surprised I even left where I was. There's a shift in my thinking for sure, just wasn't enough to take care of myself through today.

I went walking this morning along a bay (off the ocean) on long island and I prayed to God for strength to stay sober today. I knew it was going to be a hard one. Then I got excited about going out and blocked out all rational thought. Its just crazy how fast addiction can claim your mind.

Sapling

Still love you and you can still do it....And I'd never write you off...I tried on my own more than once....That wasn't easy for me either....I'm just glad you didn't enjoy it so much you didn't need to come back here. That's all that counts. Welcome back Janie...It's not the end...Look at it as a new beginning.

breath

You CAN do it. Took me thirty years(okay, 35. One day at a time. Ever met anyone whose life was better or problems solved by booze? Nope; life is better on the sober side, when one day at a time works, just one day where drinking is not an option! You can do it; when we admit we are powerless over alcohol and our lives are unmanageable things get better. Sobriety isn't measured by how much we've lost but our level of desperation. Oh, and BTW; we in AA are really really nice people; take what you want and leave the rest.

DayTrader

I was hard in myself too. All the ppl in the world telling me not to be didn't mean a thing. While painful, it helped provide some needed motivation. The drinking bottoms were never as bad as the shame-filled emotional bottoms I put myself into. It wasn't so much the drinking I couldn't take as it was the shame and self-loathing afterwards that was the killer.

I was afraid life without drinking would be boring and unbearable.... But life drinking and living with the aftermath was downright dreadful.....and I was living that one. As my present pain started to outweigh my fears of what sobriety "might" be like....the idea of surrendering to AA started to become easier to swallow. Boy, did I have it twisted. Not only is recovery NOT boring.... It's generally pretty awesome. Sure, there are bad days here and there but not having to deal with a megaton of shame an remorse over drinking again sure is nice. That's why I come here though.... To try and convince ppl like u to not hold out as long as I did. Give recovery a shot.... Take it seriously and commit to it. I promise you won't regret it.

NewBeginning010

Sorry to heat about the slip.. we have all been there & had to make big changes with friends &/or what we do with them (non drinking events etc.).

You can do this & as you said it sounds like a shift has started to take place, now its time to settle back in & focus on you, your life & your sobriety. You can do it & we are all here with you.

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day, saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Take Care & Never Give Up! ~ NB

InsertNameHere

You are hearing this over and over again, but here is once more, I have been working on this since November and the people here at SR stuck with me through my times posting drunk and constantly saying I won't drink only to come back the next morning posting of my disapointment. I am on day 6 or 7 right now and got it this time I know it. My only advice is that you take the advice from others that know more than this guy and don't use the fact that most people don't get it right right away as an excuse to fail. You already showed some backbone by coming back after you messed up. Keep trying no matter how many times it takes perserverance is key.

ACT10Npack

I don't go to AA and I've been sober for 3 weeks. You don't have to use AA to stay sober.

ReadyAndAble

Square 1? Nah. If you were on Square 1, you'd still be drinking, and doing your best to drown out every thought of trying to quit.

You sound to me like somebody who's about to kick things into high gear. Glad you're getting some rest. There's no reason tomorrow can't be the start of something wonderful.

eh1988

Don't beat yourself up, don't dwell on it. Learn from it, learn what you did wrong, and what you can do differently this time to achieve the goal you are ultimately trying to reach. I think cutting off your friends for a bit is a great idea, I've done that with my friends, they know that it's not permanent but just until I get a solid sober foundation and I feel comfortable enough to be around them in any environment. I wish you the best my friend.