he's not taking things seriously
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3
he's not taking things seriously
My boyfriend of 4.5 years is an alcoholic. When he hit a new low in November (DUI in a friend/boss' car) he seemed to realize the gravity of his problem and it seemed like he had finally started to deal with things head-on. It's been a slow process; he's been dealing with legal issues, randomly going to AA meetings, and coping with damaged friendships. I was hopeful but I have experience with a family member who has serious and unresolved addiction issues (opiates), so I'm not fooling myself. I wonder what I did in life to be surrounded by people who lie and hurt me and my loved ones, while self-destructing. Anyway, today, St. Patrick's day, he had a beer. He also had drinks and even got plastered a few times since his low moment a few months ago. I am always unhappy about it when he slips up, but I try to accept that this will be a bumpy road until he finds the support system and strength to stay sober (hoping that he wants this to be the final outcome). At the same time, lately I feel that he lies to me about his drinking until I dig it out from him. He says he's afraid to let me down, but I tell him lying makes it worse. And tonight, he admitted to having a beer and said he's way better than before, but that he's ok with having a drink now and then. But we had an understanding that moderate drinking is not acceptable to me as his romantic in the long-run, because there's no future there - time and time again he has proven that drinking even a little bit becomes unmanageable. It always ends up in a downwards spiral. He acts like it's not a big deal, but I told him I can't be in a relationship with him if booze is going to be a part of his life. Drinking (or not) is his decision, but I can't be with him if he does. It's really sad, we moved in together just before he had his run in with the law, and we've been working through things and investing in our new rental. Maybe I was a fool to move in with him, but I never realized how bad things were. In retrospect, I probably should have. I don't know when to say enough is enough, and when my support will actually make a difference. I want to stay true to myself, but I also can't live with this anxiety. Most days things are just fine, but some days it feels like a thin line and that everything is so fragile it can break apart so easily. I know it's not all about me, it's his problem, but I'm all tied up in it.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of support and information! I am sorry about the reasons that brought you here, but hopeful that you will find a path to serenity by all you learn here.
When I first arrived, I learned about the three C's of addiction:
I did not Cause their addiction
I can not Control their addiction
I will not Cure their addiction
Everything about the addiction/alcoholism belonged to the other adult in my relationship. It took me a long while to wrap my head around that concept and accept it as truth.
I also found a wealth of wisdom in the older permanent posts at the top of this main page (called stickies) - just look for a list of posts at the top of the main page that have a padlock symbol in the left column.
This is one of my favorite stickies and it helped me while living with active alcoholism, here is a link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Keep coming back, we understand and we care about you!
You have found a wonderful resource of support and information! I am sorry about the reasons that brought you here, but hopeful that you will find a path to serenity by all you learn here.
When I first arrived, I learned about the three C's of addiction:
I did not Cause their addiction
I can not Control their addiction
I will not Cure their addiction
Everything about the addiction/alcoholism belonged to the other adult in my relationship. It took me a long while to wrap my head around that concept and accept it as truth.
I also found a wealth of wisdom in the older permanent posts at the top of this main page (called stickies) - just look for a list of posts at the top of the main page that have a padlock symbol in the left column.
This is one of my favorite stickies and it helped me while living with active alcoholism, here is a link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Keep coming back, we understand and we care about you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome, HRC.
Although you write, "most days things are fine," unfortunately he is an alcoholic every day. Every day. It affects everything he does. Every choice, every thought, every feeling. Every day.
I, too, many years ago moved in with someone I did not realize was severely alcoholic. The signs were there before, but I had no experience, so I minimized the evidence that he was alcoholic. But after I moved in, and he lay passed out on the kitchen floor time and again, it was painfully, devastatingly apparent.
I should have moved out right then. Right then. It was his problem and he needed to face it. Instead, I made excuses for him, coddled him, begged him, threatened to leave him, cried, pushed, and truly became a lunatic.
Nothing we do makes them drink.
And nothing we do makes them sober.
Codependents always think they should be supportive and "proud of his efforts" and stick with him through thick and thin.
But, if they will only listen to the experts, they will learn that they have absolutely no control over his disease. And that in fact, they are often his worst enemy: they enable.
I'm glad you are posting. It's very good to connect with others. Isolation makes us irrational.
You will hear from more people tomorrow.
Wishing you the right answers and healthy thinking.
Although you write, "most days things are fine," unfortunately he is an alcoholic every day. Every day. It affects everything he does. Every choice, every thought, every feeling. Every day.
I, too, many years ago moved in with someone I did not realize was severely alcoholic. The signs were there before, but I had no experience, so I minimized the evidence that he was alcoholic. But after I moved in, and he lay passed out on the kitchen floor time and again, it was painfully, devastatingly apparent.
I should have moved out right then. Right then. It was his problem and he needed to face it. Instead, I made excuses for him, coddled him, begged him, threatened to leave him, cried, pushed, and truly became a lunatic.
Nothing we do makes them drink.
And nothing we do makes them sober.
Codependents always think they should be supportive and "proud of his efforts" and stick with him through thick and thin.
But, if they will only listen to the experts, they will learn that they have absolutely no control over his disease. And that in fact, they are often his worst enemy: they enable.
I'm glad you are posting. It's very good to connect with others. Isolation makes us irrational.
You will hear from more people tomorrow.
Wishing you the right answers and healthy thinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3
Thanks Pelican and EnglishGarden, for your very thoughtful posts. One of the main reasons I sought out this forum and finally posted here is exactly because I don't want to be isolated. All of my family and most of my friends (and all of my boyfriend's friends) are aware of the situation with my boyfriend, but nonetheless, it is sometimes hard to go to them directly for advice before I'm able to calm down and sort things out in my own head. So, it helps to have a place to vent in the moment and receive great feedback based on my raw emotional response. I think that's really important.
I took a look at the link you posted Pelican, and it is a great way to find perspective. It helped me evaluate my responses. I learned a lot about this when going through the worst of my brother's opiate addiction - my family followed this line of thinking pretty closely, but it definitely took a while to get to the point where we could see that doing things against the instinct of love actually shows the most love (if that makes sense). Things haven't worked out with him yet, but I know we're doing the right thing as a family.
As for myself with my boyfriend, I've definitely made idle threats and have showed pity when seeing him struggling to live without drinking. I don't feel that I'm quite at the level of co-dependence with him, at least not anymore - at this point I have made it clear that I won't stick with him through a repeat of his past actions. There's absolutely no way I can handle it and stay sane; and it holds me back from living a life in a relationship where I'm free to experience all that I want to experience. I don't bail him out in any way financially and have become very strict about him paying his fair share of the bills (e.g. groceries, internet, rent). I do my best not to enable him. I've told my parents, his, and a few of my friends that I will only stay with him if he gets sober. There is also not a stitch of alcohol in the house and when he mentions that he craves a drink I tell him why it's not a good idea. That being said, twice since his run in with the law, I have come home to him laying passed out on the apartment floor, me watching over him. I guess dealing with that is a form of enabling. This was closer to directly after he had his legal issues, and both times after meeting his lawyer. Clearly, he drinks when he can't deal with his emotions.
Anyway, sorry, this post is all over the place. To get to the issue of last night, we did have a discussion, one that leaves me numb. I asked him if he was now planning to have a drink now and then. He said yes, that drinking a beer is different than drinking and passing out. I said, to someone who is not an alcoholic, there's a difference - but that he's an alcoholic and that having one beer can easily slide into more or turn into a daily habit of drinking that spirals out of control. He said that he doesn't consider himself an alcoholic because he was never physically addicted. I didn't really know what to say to this (thoughts???) but I said that his line of thinking goes against AA - which says abstinence is the only way to go if you have a drinking problem. So, I asked why he bothered to go to AA if he planned to continue drinking. He said it helps him control the drinking and make proper decisions about alcohol. I don't really trust that, and told him so. I also told him I was upset that he made this decision without considering my feelings, since we had stayed together based on his efforts to get sober. He asked if I would have felt differently if he had discussed his decision-making/rationale with me, and I said no, probably not.
To be honest, there is a difference with his drinking post- his run-in with the law (he drinks way, way, way less - only a few times since the event took place, whereas he was drinking daily and larger quantities beforehand) but I really don't think he should drink at all. Some people on this forum may think I'm over-reacting, I'm not sure. I know things could be a lot worse, as they were in the past, but I don't want to risk waiting for the worst even if it never happens. At the same time, I see he's a different person now, but I've also seen how quickly things can change.
To make matters more complicated, he's not taking very good care of himself if he drinks, even if it's a little bit - he has MS and depression. When on anti-depressants people should refrain from drinking, and with a neurological disease like MS, even a small amount of booze messes with balance big time and stresses an already stressed body. Plus, he takes meds that are hard on his liver for the MS. I don't want to see him deteriorate faster than he needs to.
I know this isn't a place of judgement, but I wonder if people think I'm crazy - I'm under 30 and this is the life I've decided to put up with. Well, for the time being. Everything else in my life is going well, and as EnglishGarden mentioned as being so important, I do take time to focus on myself. In fact, I'm going to do a lot of that today while he thinks about what I told him last night (or if he doesn't) - that if drinking is more important that our relationship, that is his decision to make. I won't be mad if that's his decision, but I will be sad because it means that our relationship will need re-evaluation. And I know it's not my fault that he drinks and that I can't stop him, I just wish I could.
I took a look at the link you posted Pelican, and it is a great way to find perspective. It helped me evaluate my responses. I learned a lot about this when going through the worst of my brother's opiate addiction - my family followed this line of thinking pretty closely, but it definitely took a while to get to the point where we could see that doing things against the instinct of love actually shows the most love (if that makes sense). Things haven't worked out with him yet, but I know we're doing the right thing as a family.
As for myself with my boyfriend, I've definitely made idle threats and have showed pity when seeing him struggling to live without drinking. I don't feel that I'm quite at the level of co-dependence with him, at least not anymore - at this point I have made it clear that I won't stick with him through a repeat of his past actions. There's absolutely no way I can handle it and stay sane; and it holds me back from living a life in a relationship where I'm free to experience all that I want to experience. I don't bail him out in any way financially and have become very strict about him paying his fair share of the bills (e.g. groceries, internet, rent). I do my best not to enable him. I've told my parents, his, and a few of my friends that I will only stay with him if he gets sober. There is also not a stitch of alcohol in the house and when he mentions that he craves a drink I tell him why it's not a good idea. That being said, twice since his run in with the law, I have come home to him laying passed out on the apartment floor, me watching over him. I guess dealing with that is a form of enabling. This was closer to directly after he had his legal issues, and both times after meeting his lawyer. Clearly, he drinks when he can't deal with his emotions.
Anyway, sorry, this post is all over the place. To get to the issue of last night, we did have a discussion, one that leaves me numb. I asked him if he was now planning to have a drink now and then. He said yes, that drinking a beer is different than drinking and passing out. I said, to someone who is not an alcoholic, there's a difference - but that he's an alcoholic and that having one beer can easily slide into more or turn into a daily habit of drinking that spirals out of control. He said that he doesn't consider himself an alcoholic because he was never physically addicted. I didn't really know what to say to this (thoughts???) but I said that his line of thinking goes against AA - which says abstinence is the only way to go if you have a drinking problem. So, I asked why he bothered to go to AA if he planned to continue drinking. He said it helps him control the drinking and make proper decisions about alcohol. I don't really trust that, and told him so. I also told him I was upset that he made this decision without considering my feelings, since we had stayed together based on his efforts to get sober. He asked if I would have felt differently if he had discussed his decision-making/rationale with me, and I said no, probably not.
To be honest, there is a difference with his drinking post- his run-in with the law (he drinks way, way, way less - only a few times since the event took place, whereas he was drinking daily and larger quantities beforehand) but I really don't think he should drink at all. Some people on this forum may think I'm over-reacting, I'm not sure. I know things could be a lot worse, as they were in the past, but I don't want to risk waiting for the worst even if it never happens. At the same time, I see he's a different person now, but I've also seen how quickly things can change.
To make matters more complicated, he's not taking very good care of himself if he drinks, even if it's a little bit - he has MS and depression. When on anti-depressants people should refrain from drinking, and with a neurological disease like MS, even a small amount of booze messes with balance big time and stresses an already stressed body. Plus, he takes meds that are hard on his liver for the MS. I don't want to see him deteriorate faster than he needs to.
I know this isn't a place of judgement, but I wonder if people think I'm crazy - I'm under 30 and this is the life I've decided to put up with. Well, for the time being. Everything else in my life is going well, and as EnglishGarden mentioned as being so important, I do take time to focus on myself. In fact, I'm going to do a lot of that today while he thinks about what I told him last night (or if he doesn't) - that if drinking is more important that our relationship, that is his decision to make. I won't be mad if that's his decision, but I will be sad because it means that our relationship will need re-evaluation. And I know it's not my fault that he drinks and that I can't stop him, I just wish I could.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3
My apologies, the under 30 comment wasn't meant to say that over 30 is old or that life can't change after 30. I reread it and doesn't come off as I meant it too. I don't even fully know what I meant - I guess that I feel younger than I am, and that I wish my life was more put together. I thought by now I'd have a family, etc. and that's not a possibility as things stand now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
Hi HRC.
Pelican and English Garden give great advice, that I am trying to follow as well. I am also new here and left my AH last week. I just wanted you to know that your story (minus the MS, which makes it even scarier) sounds JUST like mine a couple of years ago. AH and I were engaged and I started noticing the same behavior as you are. We had the same discussions about AA, drinking, etc... my AH also thought he could have a drink here and there and be fine. I have no alcoholism in my family and no experience with it other than AH, so I think I was slow on the uptake on a lot of things. We had a VERY serious conversation about all of this a few months before we got married (I had called off the engagement once already - clue #432 that I missed!). He cleaned up (and by cleaned up I mean drank in moderation) for months leading up to the wedding (at least I think), we were happy, things were great, we got married. Fast forward only 9 short months ahead and now I'm sitting in an apartment trying to put my life back together. I recall going to one Alanon meeting when I was in your situation and heard the crazy stories and thought "this is not me, wow AH is not so bad!" Let me tell you - it did not take long to get that bad. They aren't kidding when they say it is a progressive disease. In my time with AH, I gave up my career and many things in my life, which I am now trying to piece back together. Due to the above, I've taken a MAJOR downgrade to my lifestyle to try to get back on my feet, I am now 32 and starting over, etc... Please know that it IS a progressive disease so until he is ready to get help, any choice you make in regards to stay or not stay needs to take this into consideration. I wish I would have had the foresight to see in that Alanon meeting that YES, THAT COULD BE ME, but I was too blinded to think that would ever be me, which was really stupid on my part.
I come here and read the great knowledge, such as the above, every morning when I wake up, as I'm personally still struggling with the reality of it all. I used to be such an independent, stable, happy woman - not co-dependent - and now I'm a poster child codie struggling to regain myself again.
Pelican and English Garden give great advice, that I am trying to follow as well. I am also new here and left my AH last week. I just wanted you to know that your story (minus the MS, which makes it even scarier) sounds JUST like mine a couple of years ago. AH and I were engaged and I started noticing the same behavior as you are. We had the same discussions about AA, drinking, etc... my AH also thought he could have a drink here and there and be fine. I have no alcoholism in my family and no experience with it other than AH, so I think I was slow on the uptake on a lot of things. We had a VERY serious conversation about all of this a few months before we got married (I had called off the engagement once already - clue #432 that I missed!). He cleaned up (and by cleaned up I mean drank in moderation) for months leading up to the wedding (at least I think), we were happy, things were great, we got married. Fast forward only 9 short months ahead and now I'm sitting in an apartment trying to put my life back together. I recall going to one Alanon meeting when I was in your situation and heard the crazy stories and thought "this is not me, wow AH is not so bad!" Let me tell you - it did not take long to get that bad. They aren't kidding when they say it is a progressive disease. In my time with AH, I gave up my career and many things in my life, which I am now trying to piece back together. Due to the above, I've taken a MAJOR downgrade to my lifestyle to try to get back on my feet, I am now 32 and starting over, etc... Please know that it IS a progressive disease so until he is ready to get help, any choice you make in regards to stay or not stay needs to take this into consideration. I wish I would have had the foresight to see in that Alanon meeting that YES, THAT COULD BE ME, but I was too blinded to think that would ever be me, which was really stupid on my part.
I come here and read the great knowledge, such as the above, every morning when I wake up, as I'm personally still struggling with the reality of it all. I used to be such an independent, stable, happy woman - not co-dependent - and now I'm a poster child codie struggling to regain myself again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It is hard for all of us to "get it" that we're completely powerless over other people and their diseases. There is nothing we can do or say that will affect anyone's drinking. For active alcoholics the bottle is their God, Higher Power, great love of their life; it is more important than anyone in their life. Addiction is a powerful disease. It's important to step back and decide what YOU want in life and take the steps to achieve it. If you don't want to be around him when he's drunk then hold that as sacrosanct. This is where our real power lies.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 12
Anyway, sorry, this post is all over the place. To get to the issue of last night, we did have a discussion, one that leaves me numb. I asked him if he was now planning to have a drink now and then. He said yes, that drinking a beer is different than drinking and passing out. I said, to someone who is not an alcoholic, there's a difference - but that he's an alcoholic and that having one beer can easily slide into more or turn into a daily habit of drinking that spirals out of control. He said that he doesn't consider himself an alcoholic because he was never physically addicted. I didn't really know what to say to this (thoughts???) but I said that his line of thinking goes against AA - which says abstinence is the only way to go if you have a drinking problem. So, I asked why he bothered to go to AA if he planned to continue drinking. He said it helps him control the drinking and make proper decisions about alcohol. I don't really trust that, and told him so. I also told him I was upset that he made this decision without considering my feelings, since we had stayed together based on his efforts to get sober. He asked if I would have felt differently if he had discussed his decision-making/rationale with me, and I said no, probably not.
He tells me "I'll only drink beer, I'll only drink on special occassions, I'll only drink a few times a year."
It's ********. We know it's ********, deep down they know it's ******** too.
There is no dimmer switch on alcoholism. It' on or it's off.
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