Day #9, And This Ain't Easy, But It's Doable
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
Day #9, And This Ain't Easy, But It's Doable
Been struggling a little bit with cravings the last couple of days.
I'm pretty much past wondering if cold-turkeying it was the way to go, but it doesn't matter now. That's how I did it, and I'm not turning back now. I think I'm too impatient to have weened myself off oxy's.
Trying to keep my mind focused on the goal.
I have no intention on taking oxy ever again, but they do say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...
I just can't see it...
I've been laying in bed staring at the scenery outside all day, sunny and beautiful, and have given myself permission to slack off and just think about things today. My way of copping out, I guess. I know tomorrow will be a busy day, and some self-reflection is in order, especially given the fact that there are only a few things I'd rather be doing right now than thinking about how I've gotten myself into this mess, and how I'm getting myself out.
Called some friends to see if they wanted to take a hike with me today up here in the mountains. Funny thing (perhaps, Karma). All those times friends or family would call and I wouldn't feel like talking to them, I would ignore the phone call or just shut the phone off altogether. Makes me sound like a really bad person, and I do own what I did. I did that for four years ~ the same amount of time I've been doing oxys. Oxys became my friends. Now I've called three friends and gotten the same response back. I suppose I deserve that.
I was ready to go to an NA meeting last night and chickened out. The fear was pretty intense. I was shaking. I have some social anxiety anyway, and don't like entering a restaurant or other place where there's a lot of people alone. Just a quirk of mine. So my mind was working overtime fretting about walking into an NA meeting all alone.
Today I am going to look up more about them. I'm such a noob that I don't even know the difference between "closed" and "open" and some have topics and some don't, and some work on steps and some don't?
So much work to do, but I'm reminded of a very close childhood friend who died of a heroin overdose last summer. I can't even think of him without crying, knowing that I left my small home dirt-town to live my own life in my own little paradise (before oxys), while at the same time, wondering if I had stayed in touch if I could have helped him. I think he's looking out for me...
Today I am very grateful. I don't know how (or why) I'm still alive.
I'm pretty much past wondering if cold-turkeying it was the way to go, but it doesn't matter now. That's how I did it, and I'm not turning back now. I think I'm too impatient to have weened myself off oxy's.
Trying to keep my mind focused on the goal.
I have no intention on taking oxy ever again, but they do say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...
I just can't see it...
I've been laying in bed staring at the scenery outside all day, sunny and beautiful, and have given myself permission to slack off and just think about things today. My way of copping out, I guess. I know tomorrow will be a busy day, and some self-reflection is in order, especially given the fact that there are only a few things I'd rather be doing right now than thinking about how I've gotten myself into this mess, and how I'm getting myself out.
Called some friends to see if they wanted to take a hike with me today up here in the mountains. Funny thing (perhaps, Karma). All those times friends or family would call and I wouldn't feel like talking to them, I would ignore the phone call or just shut the phone off altogether. Makes me sound like a really bad person, and I do own what I did. I did that for four years ~ the same amount of time I've been doing oxys. Oxys became my friends. Now I've called three friends and gotten the same response back. I suppose I deserve that.
I was ready to go to an NA meeting last night and chickened out. The fear was pretty intense. I was shaking. I have some social anxiety anyway, and don't like entering a restaurant or other place where there's a lot of people alone. Just a quirk of mine. So my mind was working overtime fretting about walking into an NA meeting all alone.
Today I am going to look up more about them. I'm such a noob that I don't even know the difference between "closed" and "open" and some have topics and some don't, and some work on steps and some don't?
So much work to do, but I'm reminded of a very close childhood friend who died of a heroin overdose last summer. I can't even think of him without crying, knowing that I left my small home dirt-town to live my own life in my own little paradise (before oxys), while at the same time, wondering if I had stayed in touch if I could have helped him. I think he's looking out for me...
Today I am very grateful. I don't know how (or why) I'm still alive.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Good luck on getting to the meeting & nice work on quitting 
"This Aint Easy" reminded me of this song:
The Four Horsemen - Nobody Said It Was Easy - YouTube
"This Aint Easy" reminded me of this song:
The Four Horsemen - Nobody Said It Was Easy - YouTube
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Jilllian -
I'm glad you're taking time to rest and relax - I found that "Easy Does It" is a good approach early on. So many things go on in our lives that it's easy to feel overwhelmed - the last thing we need when we're dealing with addiction.
I'm so glad you posted - I bet if some of your friends really knew what you'd been struggling with they would look at things differently. It's going to get better...... for now, just work on being your own best friend.:ghug3
I'm glad you're taking time to rest and relax - I found that "Easy Does It" is a good approach early on. So many things go on in our lives that it's easy to feel overwhelmed - the last thing we need when we're dealing with addiction.
I'm so glad you posted - I bet if some of your friends really knew what you'd been struggling with they would look at things differently. It's going to get better...... for now, just work on being your own best friend.:ghug3
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
