My Alcoholic Husband Left Me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
My Alcoholic Husband Left Me
I'm new here to SR ... well, I've been reading posts for a while, but this is the first time I am actually posting.
I know many of you, by the title of my thread, are clapping. And even though I know in my brain that our separation and eventual divorce (in about 45 days) is the best thing, my heart still aches. I know you can all relate.
My "story" (I’m sorry that this will be long, but I need to get this out). I met my AH at work about 4 1/2 years ago. He was such a sweet person, had the cutest smile and we really enjoyed talking to one another. He pursued me, which felt great. I was a little reluctant to date again as I had just ended a 2 year relationship, but I accepted his offer to make me dinner. We had the best time that evening and those that followed and quickly fell in love. He used to do the most thoughtful things, as did I.
When we started dating, we both drank. I have a daughter (who was 5 at the time) so my drinking was usually limited to when I saw him. His drinking, as I soon learned, was a daily occasion and had been for many years. About three months into our relationship, he quit his job (long story, but he felt as though they did him wrong). I warned him not to quit without another job but he did so anyway and was subsequently unemployed for 3 months. It was during this time that I noticed an increase in his drinking. He was drunk by 5:00 everyday. It was also during his time that he admitted to me that he was an alcoholic and could count one hand the number of times he HADN'T drank in the past few years. I was worried, but since I didn't know anything about alcoholism, I thought I could fix him! I suggested AA and he said he would go but to give it "two weeks" to quit on his own. I don't have to tell you the outcome of that promise. During this same time, while unemployed, he became so drunk, that he punched himself in the face repeatedly, giving himself a black eye. He cried and told me what a loser he was. Of course, I comforted him and assured him that he wasn't a loser - again, I can fix this! It wasn't long after that that he broke up with me ... no reason, he was just done. But, about a week later he called and we got back together.
He got a job in August of that year and his drinking seemed to get better ... but ya know what? MINE seemed to be getting worse!! So, now we were both drinking. In December of that year, he asked me to marry him and though reluctant, I said yes! We got married in September 2009. A few months before my wedding he encouraged me to stop taking my anti-depressant ... only to treat me like dirt a few months later when I seemed depressed. So I was depressed and drinking and he was drinking more and more and we just weren't meshing. We separated for the FIRST time in February 2010. I didn't want to separate but he insisted, however did agree to counseling. We spent a couple of months in counseling and guess what the counselor suggested? That we both needed help with our drinking!!! He STRONGLY suggested to my AH that he go to an in-patient rehab or 90 meetings/90 days. My AH told the dr that he respected his suggestion, but that he would do it on his own – he turned to me and promised no more liquor and only two beers a day. Again, I don't need to tell you how that promise turned out.
We got back together and things seemed to be going better, until August of 2010. I had a feeling that he was drinking liquor again (you know how you can just tell?) so I went through his car and found around 15 empty liquor bottles. We ended up in an argument and he left for the SECOND time, telling me that he didn't love me anymore and that it was over ... just like that - no discussion, no changing his mind. I, of course, was devastated. I tried enlisting the help of his family but they were no help other than to tell my AH that he needed to “cut back on his drinking”. The only reason we didn’t divorce was because his mom suggested that we see a Christian counselor, which he agreed to. This counselor also suggested to Billy that he NEEDED help with his drinking, but again nothing happened. We were able to get along better though, so we got back together in December 2010.
2011 seemed much better. I wasn’t drinking as much as before and he seemed to be cutting down (so I thought). However, about half way through 2011 I found out that he was looking at porn … A LOT. I asked him to stop and he promised he would, but he didn’t. In December of 2011 he got a new job … and things seemed to get bad fast. He started looking up escort/dating services in the state that he traveled to for business and the bottles of liquor were getting bigger and bigger and he didn’t seem to care if I saw them or not. He seemed more distant and frustrated. The new job was MUCH more demanding that the last one (which was really not demanding at all) and he was really overwhelmed. Then in January of this year his Uncle passed away. I think what threw him off there was he told me he imagined his dad laying in the casket and it killed him. We were starting to fight more and more. Although I was drinking very little by this point, towards the end of January I decided to go to AA and obtain complete sobriety – I just wanted my life to be completely manageable and I also wanted to set a good example (I'm 52 days sober as of today).
On February 11 we got in an argument, which we seemed to work through. He ran an “errand” and when he came back we got into another argument and things were completely different than the argument that morning – he was different (looking back now, I have a feeling that he drank liquor while he out). During the morning he insisted that if he didn’t want to be in the marriage he wouldn’t be, but then the argument later he told me that he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore and he didn’t know if he would get his feelings back. Hearing those words made me sick to my stomach (literally) and while I was in the bathroom puking, he packed a bag and left. I didn’t hear from him at all that evening and then the next day he called and told me it was over and there was nothing to talk about – he was done. Over the past 5 weeks he has completely moved out and the divorce proceedings have started. In a recent text to me he told me that our marriage was sh** because of MY selfishness and self-pity – I wanted to scream! Although I wasn’t the “perfect” wife (who the heck is?), I made so much effort to make this marriage work … perhaps too much of an effort and I loved him with all my heart.
First off, I will say that I was a total enabler and am very co-dependent … both of which I know I need to work on. Since he left, I have read a ton of books on alcoholism, so I understand more now than ever about the disease – trust me I’ve had a ton of “ah-ha” moments!! The verbal abuse, the blame, the selfishness, the self-pity, the solitude, lack of attention, lack of affection, irresponsible, immature (he was in his late teens when he started drinking). He also has a history of “abandoning” - he let a house foreclose simply b/c he didn’t want to try and sell it, he stopped paying on his student loans, he had his motorcycle repossessed, quit jobs, walked out on our marriage, his step-daughter (weird thing is that they just seemed to be bonding over the past few months and just a few weeks before he left he told her that he loved her, cared for her and was there for her whenever she needed him!), his dogs, etc.
I do have a couple of questions that I’m hoping someone can help me with – I think I just want to “understand” as best I can:
1) Are black and white/rash decisions (such as leaving so quickly, no discussion, no looking back) normal for an A? All of the threads I have read are about the non-A leaving the A not the other way around and the A always begging to come home and apologizing. He has NEVER begged to come back and rarely apologizes for anything.
2) Since walking out this time, he has been EXTREMELY COLD towards me … he refuses to speak to me on the phone and his text messages are all “business”. Normal? I can understand if I did something to him or if I’ve been “crazy” since he left, but I haven’t been. I tried to leave him alone as best I can.
3) Could this irrational behavior be a sign that his alcoholism has progressed and taken over his life? I would hate to think there was someone else, but I guess that’s a possibility though my AH is kind of a loner and really insecure so I’m not sure if that’s truly the case.
As a Christian, I don’t want my marriage to end, BUT I also know this is best for my daughter and I as well as my AH … he needs to fall/hit bottom and I have never allowed that to happen. I’ve always been there to pick up the pieces and make everything ok and I refuse to do it anymore. I pray everyday that he will find sobriety.
Gosh, any feedback at all would be helpful. I just cannot get over how distant, mean and cold he is being. I’m pretty sure it’s the disease talking, but I just don’t know. Thanks for “listening” – Again, I’m sorry it’s so long.
I know many of you, by the title of my thread, are clapping. And even though I know in my brain that our separation and eventual divorce (in about 45 days) is the best thing, my heart still aches. I know you can all relate.
My "story" (I’m sorry that this will be long, but I need to get this out). I met my AH at work about 4 1/2 years ago. He was such a sweet person, had the cutest smile and we really enjoyed talking to one another. He pursued me, which felt great. I was a little reluctant to date again as I had just ended a 2 year relationship, but I accepted his offer to make me dinner. We had the best time that evening and those that followed and quickly fell in love. He used to do the most thoughtful things, as did I.
When we started dating, we both drank. I have a daughter (who was 5 at the time) so my drinking was usually limited to when I saw him. His drinking, as I soon learned, was a daily occasion and had been for many years. About three months into our relationship, he quit his job (long story, but he felt as though they did him wrong). I warned him not to quit without another job but he did so anyway and was subsequently unemployed for 3 months. It was during this time that I noticed an increase in his drinking. He was drunk by 5:00 everyday. It was also during his time that he admitted to me that he was an alcoholic and could count one hand the number of times he HADN'T drank in the past few years. I was worried, but since I didn't know anything about alcoholism, I thought I could fix him! I suggested AA and he said he would go but to give it "two weeks" to quit on his own. I don't have to tell you the outcome of that promise. During this same time, while unemployed, he became so drunk, that he punched himself in the face repeatedly, giving himself a black eye. He cried and told me what a loser he was. Of course, I comforted him and assured him that he wasn't a loser - again, I can fix this! It wasn't long after that that he broke up with me ... no reason, he was just done. But, about a week later he called and we got back together.
He got a job in August of that year and his drinking seemed to get better ... but ya know what? MINE seemed to be getting worse!! So, now we were both drinking. In December of that year, he asked me to marry him and though reluctant, I said yes! We got married in September 2009. A few months before my wedding he encouraged me to stop taking my anti-depressant ... only to treat me like dirt a few months later when I seemed depressed. So I was depressed and drinking and he was drinking more and more and we just weren't meshing. We separated for the FIRST time in February 2010. I didn't want to separate but he insisted, however did agree to counseling. We spent a couple of months in counseling and guess what the counselor suggested? That we both needed help with our drinking!!! He STRONGLY suggested to my AH that he go to an in-patient rehab or 90 meetings/90 days. My AH told the dr that he respected his suggestion, but that he would do it on his own – he turned to me and promised no more liquor and only two beers a day. Again, I don't need to tell you how that promise turned out.
We got back together and things seemed to be going better, until August of 2010. I had a feeling that he was drinking liquor again (you know how you can just tell?) so I went through his car and found around 15 empty liquor bottles. We ended up in an argument and he left for the SECOND time, telling me that he didn't love me anymore and that it was over ... just like that - no discussion, no changing his mind. I, of course, was devastated. I tried enlisting the help of his family but they were no help other than to tell my AH that he needed to “cut back on his drinking”. The only reason we didn’t divorce was because his mom suggested that we see a Christian counselor, which he agreed to. This counselor also suggested to Billy that he NEEDED help with his drinking, but again nothing happened. We were able to get along better though, so we got back together in December 2010.
2011 seemed much better. I wasn’t drinking as much as before and he seemed to be cutting down (so I thought). However, about half way through 2011 I found out that he was looking at porn … A LOT. I asked him to stop and he promised he would, but he didn’t. In December of 2011 he got a new job … and things seemed to get bad fast. He started looking up escort/dating services in the state that he traveled to for business and the bottles of liquor were getting bigger and bigger and he didn’t seem to care if I saw them or not. He seemed more distant and frustrated. The new job was MUCH more demanding that the last one (which was really not demanding at all) and he was really overwhelmed. Then in January of this year his Uncle passed away. I think what threw him off there was he told me he imagined his dad laying in the casket and it killed him. We were starting to fight more and more. Although I was drinking very little by this point, towards the end of January I decided to go to AA and obtain complete sobriety – I just wanted my life to be completely manageable and I also wanted to set a good example (I'm 52 days sober as of today).
On February 11 we got in an argument, which we seemed to work through. He ran an “errand” and when he came back we got into another argument and things were completely different than the argument that morning – he was different (looking back now, I have a feeling that he drank liquor while he out). During the morning he insisted that if he didn’t want to be in the marriage he wouldn’t be, but then the argument later he told me that he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore and he didn’t know if he would get his feelings back. Hearing those words made me sick to my stomach (literally) and while I was in the bathroom puking, he packed a bag and left. I didn’t hear from him at all that evening and then the next day he called and told me it was over and there was nothing to talk about – he was done. Over the past 5 weeks he has completely moved out and the divorce proceedings have started. In a recent text to me he told me that our marriage was sh** because of MY selfishness and self-pity – I wanted to scream! Although I wasn’t the “perfect” wife (who the heck is?), I made so much effort to make this marriage work … perhaps too much of an effort and I loved him with all my heart.
First off, I will say that I was a total enabler and am very co-dependent … both of which I know I need to work on. Since he left, I have read a ton of books on alcoholism, so I understand more now than ever about the disease – trust me I’ve had a ton of “ah-ha” moments!! The verbal abuse, the blame, the selfishness, the self-pity, the solitude, lack of attention, lack of affection, irresponsible, immature (he was in his late teens when he started drinking). He also has a history of “abandoning” - he let a house foreclose simply b/c he didn’t want to try and sell it, he stopped paying on his student loans, he had his motorcycle repossessed, quit jobs, walked out on our marriage, his step-daughter (weird thing is that they just seemed to be bonding over the past few months and just a few weeks before he left he told her that he loved her, cared for her and was there for her whenever she needed him!), his dogs, etc.
I do have a couple of questions that I’m hoping someone can help me with – I think I just want to “understand” as best I can:
1) Are black and white/rash decisions (such as leaving so quickly, no discussion, no looking back) normal for an A? All of the threads I have read are about the non-A leaving the A not the other way around and the A always begging to come home and apologizing. He has NEVER begged to come back and rarely apologizes for anything.
2) Since walking out this time, he has been EXTREMELY COLD towards me … he refuses to speak to me on the phone and his text messages are all “business”. Normal? I can understand if I did something to him or if I’ve been “crazy” since he left, but I haven’t been. I tried to leave him alone as best I can.
3) Could this irrational behavior be a sign that his alcoholism has progressed and taken over his life? I would hate to think there was someone else, but I guess that’s a possibility though my AH is kind of a loner and really insecure so I’m not sure if that’s truly the case.
As a Christian, I don’t want my marriage to end, BUT I also know this is best for my daughter and I as well as my AH … he needs to fall/hit bottom and I have never allowed that to happen. I’ve always been there to pick up the pieces and make everything ok and I refuse to do it anymore. I pray everyday that he will find sobriety.
Gosh, any feedback at all would be helpful. I just cannot get over how distant, mean and cold he is being. I’m pretty sure it’s the disease talking, but I just don’t know. Thanks for “listening” – Again, I’m sorry it’s so long.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family. I hope you will continue to open up and share as much as needed.
Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? She includes a chapter on grieving in her book. It has been a valuable resource to me - one that I continue to re-read.
The black/white thinking? Alcoholics and their partners learn to live a life of reaction. I found myself always reacting to the alcoholics behavior, and my alcoholic was always reacting to situations around him. I am learning to respond now to life and curb the knee jerk reactions.
The coldness from your A? He has likely found a way to blame you for all his problems. Alcoholics are great at blame-shifting. Blaming others gives them license to not look at their own immature behaviors.
Have you tried Alanon meetings for yourself? I hope you will try a few meetings. They were helpful to me in learning new ways to better care for myself - even if I am no longer living with my alcoholic.
Keep coming back, we care!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family. I hope you will continue to open up and share as much as needed.
Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? She includes a chapter on grieving in her book. It has been a valuable resource to me - one that I continue to re-read.
The black/white thinking? Alcoholics and their partners learn to live a life of reaction. I found myself always reacting to the alcoholics behavior, and my alcoholic was always reacting to situations around him. I am learning to respond now to life and curb the knee jerk reactions.
The coldness from your A? He has likely found a way to blame you for all his problems. Alcoholics are great at blame-shifting. Blaming others gives them license to not look at their own immature behaviors.
Have you tried Alanon meetings for yourself? I hope you will try a few meetings. They were helpful to me in learning new ways to better care for myself - even if I am no longer living with my alcoholic.
Keep coming back, we care!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
No one here is clapping, I can assure you of that.
Everyone here would give you a great big hug and offer their phone numbers if this were a face-to-face support group.
I am very sorry for your situation - it breaks my heart to read your story.
Pelican said it best above. Al-Anon is a great resource for working your way through this. It was a life and sanity saver for me.
Keep coming back!
~T
Everyone here would give you a great big hug and offer their phone numbers if this were a face-to-face support group.
I am very sorry for your situation - it breaks my heart to read your story.
Pelican said it best above. Al-Anon is a great resource for working your way through this. It was a life and sanity saver for me.
Keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: a better place
Posts: 66
Hi mdh...
There WAS someone else, and her name is alcohol. My ex A left without wanting to talk, refused to talk to me over the phone and texts were "all business" just like yours. I later found out that in addition to the alcohol, he had immediately started dating another woman, only to have that abruptly end, then started up over and over again with woman after woman (seemingly without end).
I cannot say what you describe or what I saw in my A was "A behavior," but seems at a minimum, related to it - the self-absorption, the inability or lack of desire to self-evaluate prior mistakes before getting into relationship after relationship, the coldness. It all had a very familiar ring to it when I read your post. I was in a lot of pain when things ended, but am soooo relieved that I am not involved with my A at all anymore.
I wish you the best in your recovery. You are in the right place and will find a lot of understanding and support in this forum.
There WAS someone else, and her name is alcohol. My ex A left without wanting to talk, refused to talk to me over the phone and texts were "all business" just like yours. I later found out that in addition to the alcohol, he had immediately started dating another woman, only to have that abruptly end, then started up over and over again with woman after woman (seemingly without end).
I cannot say what you describe or what I saw in my A was "A behavior," but seems at a minimum, related to it - the self-absorption, the inability or lack of desire to self-evaluate prior mistakes before getting into relationship after relationship, the coldness. It all had a very familiar ring to it when I read your post. I was in a lot of pain when things ended, but am soooo relieved that I am not involved with my A at all anymore.
I wish you the best in your recovery. You are in the right place and will find a lot of understanding and support in this forum.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I admire the forthrightness, accountability, and maturity in your post. And it is a heartbreaking story of your marriage and all the terrible pain. You must be exhausted.
Many addicts have co-existing disorders, as I'm sure you have read in all the material. I have seen various estimates, some place it as high as 40%.
Severe narcissism is one of those disorders. When someone is purposely viciously cruel, and without remorse, and feels ENTITLED to be so, that is one symptom of malignant narcissism. People with this disorder just eviscerate people.
The other feature of narcissism is that as long as the narcissist is getting what he wants--what is called his "narcissistic supply"--he can actually be quite warm and engaging. It might even look like love.
Then when he makes that sharp turn, when for some reason you "fail" him (and this can even be the slightest thing), he just destroys you.
I think this disorder is terrifying, because at least when someone is drunk out of his mind, you know you are dealing with craziness. Pathological narcissism just blindsides.
Active addiction creates selfishness and self-centeredness, of course, but those features subside with recovery.
This is different. It is a character disorder, and those are very difficult to treat. In part because the person with the character disorder thinks he's just fine.
This is not to say that is your AH's mental problem. But just to give an example of the disorders which can co-occur with addiction.
You have certainly been terribly abused. And a sacred marriage, a Christian marriage, is not defined by abuse.
I hope you have much support all around you. And I hope your companions in recovery are there for you whenever you call. You are worthy of a fulfilling and happy life.
Many addicts have co-existing disorders, as I'm sure you have read in all the material. I have seen various estimates, some place it as high as 40%.
Severe narcissism is one of those disorders. When someone is purposely viciously cruel, and without remorse, and feels ENTITLED to be so, that is one symptom of malignant narcissism. People with this disorder just eviscerate people.
The other feature of narcissism is that as long as the narcissist is getting what he wants--what is called his "narcissistic supply"--he can actually be quite warm and engaging. It might even look like love.
Then when he makes that sharp turn, when for some reason you "fail" him (and this can even be the slightest thing), he just destroys you.
I think this disorder is terrifying, because at least when someone is drunk out of his mind, you know you are dealing with craziness. Pathological narcissism just blindsides.
Active addiction creates selfishness and self-centeredness, of course, but those features subside with recovery.
This is different. It is a character disorder, and those are very difficult to treat. In part because the person with the character disorder thinks he's just fine.
This is not to say that is your AH's mental problem. But just to give an example of the disorders which can co-occur with addiction.
You have certainly been terribly abused. And a sacred marriage, a Christian marriage, is not defined by abuse.
I hope you have much support all around you. And I hope your companions in recovery are there for you whenever you call. You are worthy of a fulfilling and happy life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
I want to thank you all for responding! Makes my heart feel warm to know I have people I can lean ... especially those that have "been there".
Pelican and Tuffgirl - I am going to start, as often as I can, going to Al-Anon. It's a little difficult with my daughter and no family where I live (they’re 600 miles away!) but I will do my best.
Flower43 - Yes, Alcohol was definitely the other woman in my AH’s life. I was certainly second ... all the time. I too am experiencing a lot of pain but know that time will heal my broken heart.
EnglishGarden - I've often though that perhaps my AH has something going on besides alcoholism. Some of the things he would do were a bit off, shall we say. After looking over a few disorders which can co-occur with addiction, Border Personality Disorder (BPD) practically describes him to a T!!!
Anvilhead - your post was hard to read, ONLY because it is something I have thought MANY times. I think RUN is his middle name. Wish he would have thought about his inability to commit before he got involved with me and especially got involved in my daughters life. **SIGH**
For now, I will just work on getting myself healthy and happy again (I just started reading Co-Dependent No More). Ya know, I can't determine if it's funny or sad, but my counselor asked me what made ME happy and my response was "in all honesty, I don't know". I've spent the last 4 years being beaten down by him and worrying about him that I have truly lost myself.
Pelican and Tuffgirl - I am going to start, as often as I can, going to Al-Anon. It's a little difficult with my daughter and no family where I live (they’re 600 miles away!) but I will do my best.
Flower43 - Yes, Alcohol was definitely the other woman in my AH’s life. I was certainly second ... all the time. I too am experiencing a lot of pain but know that time will heal my broken heart.
EnglishGarden - I've often though that perhaps my AH has something going on besides alcoholism. Some of the things he would do were a bit off, shall we say. After looking over a few disorders which can co-occur with addiction, Border Personality Disorder (BPD) practically describes him to a T!!!
Anvilhead - your post was hard to read, ONLY because it is something I have thought MANY times. I think RUN is his middle name. Wish he would have thought about his inability to commit before he got involved with me and especially got involved in my daughters life. **SIGH**
For now, I will just work on getting myself healthy and happy again (I just started reading Co-Dependent No More). Ya know, I can't determine if it's funny or sad, but my counselor asked me what made ME happy and my response was "in all honesty, I don't know". I've spent the last 4 years being beaten down by him and worrying about him that I have truly lost myself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
