transformyself

I"m so screwed.

I moved AH BACK into our house after two years to pay bills, mostly because I'm insane.

Now, of course, I'm ready for him to be gone.

someone called me yesterday to say his old affair partner had posted on his FB wall, I blocked him long ago mainly because I don't want trauma

Unblocked him, and there she is! The bi-polar crazy bitch who pretended to be my friend so she could screw my even more unstable husband.

I wish I actually cared about any of this, but I don't. I'm just moving through trigger after trigger, wanting to kill him, wondering how to "show" her.

It's so bizarre. I dont' REALLY give a rats ass, it's just the PTSD crap blowing through my body. It's like I"m watching it from afar. But this time, compared to--when did this affair happen? They're so hard to keep track of. I think 8 years ago? anyways, this time I do have a choice. I can choose how I act. It's hard, but I got myself into this hell again, I will get myself and my kids out.

So, it's beautiful out today, I'm going to yoga so I'm less anxious, then starting in the garage to pack my sh!t.

I've been waiting, complaining about not wanting to live with him. I love my neighbors and would rather HE leave but you guys know how well that one works.

I'll keep praying for the right solution and start packing and stay away from sharp objects.

m1k3

Transformyself ((((hugs))))

Take a good long look at your username and then start doing it.

By the way, this wasn't a mistake. It was just another effing growth opportunity. Lesson learned time to move on.

Your friend,

transformyself

Thanks Mike.

I transformed myself miraculously when we separated last time. It was awesome. Time to do it again.

Tuffgirl

Ditto to what Mike says. It was said to me (by someone else here) last Spring...to live up to my name here. Ouch - but so true.

Hang in there! Big hugs,
~T

transformyself

Here's a crazy realization- I'm actually being given a great opportunity here, like Mike says. It just occured to me in the living room.

Looking through the CD's to play some music and I came across AH's Ice Cube cd. In his old affair partners FB post, she said she dreamt that my AH was Ice Cube and she was Queen Latifa and wasn't that good news?

So, as that realization floods my mind I realize that this song or artist signafies special between them and I start having a physical reaction but in the midst of it something inside me says Wait. Do I really want to do this? Do I really care? What do I really want to be doing right now? Do I want to be giving in to this self torture? or sucking it up and getting the hell out of here? That takes months, the whole moving process, I know Ive done it nonstop for most of my adult life. I have to save deposit and moving money, find a place, get a better job, file for Divorce, get all of this rolling--not call up AH to guilt trip him. Who cares? We have no marriage. This is a formality. That's all.

I have other things to do. And they're more important to me. I remember this. yes, it's humiliating that I have to climb out of this hole after being out of it for so long, but he did me a favor. I don't want to be here living with him, I don't think he does either.

We should release each other as peacefully as possible, I want to try to at least, so I can go see what I can do on my own. I can more fully be myself when I'm away from him, he's told me the same thing.

So, I am somehow able to push aside the thoughts of revenge, anger, all the things that keep the drama/addicition going and instead am getting my house cleaned, my work done and divorce papers filed.

Thanks for letting me come here and vent. I'm not giving in to this disease.

choublak

Let the crazy ones have each other.

TakingCharge999

transformy

I am going through another cycle of abuse/victimhood, this time at work and I am also trying hard NOT to indulge in self pity and self abuse and just go on with the motions and remember what I have to do/how I wish to spend my day and not only crying in a dark room feeling miserable.

OMG when the Divorce papers are filed I swear I will have a local celebration for you at home and send you the picture.

Don't beat yourself up, (I do that very well).. you are a human being learning and you are showing a lot of progress and inner strength!!!

What others say or feel or think or do has NOTHING to do with the love we can feel, for ourselves, for God, for life itself. This is ours and nothing and no one can ever touch or change it -its sacred - its OURS.

Hugs from your friend
Tc999

TakingCharge999

(PS I honestly, with all my heart, feel compassion for the woman. For anyone really that still do not know the truths about jerks/active addicts/both. Its misery, sooner or later, no exceptions.)

Seren

(((T))) This is a perfect example of how we can choose to react to different situations. Instead of giving in and following the normal pre-programmed response, which would have spiraled into more hurt and pain and despair, you decided to make a healthier choice for yourself and use that energy to move forward!

Bravo!!

naive

not to laugh, transformie, but queen latifah and ice cube is what is special between them?

dear me.

not worth your time. and in the name of mercy for yourself, re-block him on facebook. you really don't need to fill your mind with this trivial nonsense.

sounds like time to make your todo list, like bernadette always suggests. that helped me a lot. make the list. do the things on the list.

it sounds like you are emotionally over this bloke. you can rise above this situation. i understand that part of the reason he is there is financial.

he really should be the one to leave. you went and got that house. he didn't. have you tried asking him to move out?

transformyself

Hydro Girl

I'm generally confused about two things: what the catalyst is for me being able to choose my actions. For me to become conscious. I mean, I didn't have this option before. I wasn't able to choose, i just reacted and felt victimized. It's not that I didn't own my own actions and choices, it's that I wasn't aware I ahd a choice. Otherwise, I would have chosen, like I am now.

Not sure if that makes much sense. Also i sort of don't care what the catalyst was for me to rise to this level of awareness, but am grateful for it and the second thing I am confused about is why I clung so desperately and for so long to something that was making me miserable. Letting go is where the power lies, where the healing begins. Letting go makes me feel better and that's what i wanted all along.

Ok again, not sure if any of this makes sense but it's my stream of thought right now...

transformyself

Naive, I did block him right away again and this little nasty bimbo. And to answer your question she's delusional, honestly and legitimately delusional. She once told me, after going to see Mikhail Baryshnikov, "I an SO choreograph better than he does." She's bi polar or something.

I really do think I'm emotionally over him. I do not love him. We don't love each other. I have enough people in my life who actually love me now that I can recognize it.

I've been making lists lately, so that makes sense. Love checking things off, especially get divorced , move out and live along with the kids! Check! Can't wait.


I've asked him to move out. He pays most of the bills (while negating any bill paying or house work that I do of course) so he says that I should move out. Actually he says we can't afford to live apart because he's not paying for two rents. So funny...

choublak

She sounds like the Midwest version of my dad's mistress, also "bi polar or something". People of that nature scare me, because there is really no underestimation of what they might do, which is why I say, "let the crazy ones have each other".

gracie39

I've been in almost your exact situation before...I know how it feels, honey! But it will get better. You're doing the best you can for yourself right now...keep it up! And message me if you ever need to talk, there's a whole website of people here for you!

transformyself

Thank you everyone. This morning I woke up, stumbled to the kitchen for coffee not knowing where I would find him or what state the house will be in and I realized I don't respect this man. I know that sounds oversimplified, I haven't respected him ever probably, because we never loved each other we just acted out our unresolved childhood issues with each other.

But this is a little different. My neighbors love each other, Lenny and Aura. The respect each other, treat each other with respect, care about each other, help each other, listen to each other.

They have shown me, up close for a year now, what I've seen other couples do from afar for some time. My parents weren't able to show me what two loving parents working together looks like. And even when I started to see other friends who partnered well together, it only upset me. Hurt me because we didn't have that.

Yesterday, Lenny was outside playing basketball with his little boy, asking questions about his day, what he saw what he did.

AH can't do that. Or won't or whatever it doesn't matter, the point is it doesn't happen. He starts drinking before he leaves work, arrives smelling like booze and, because one of the "deals," to him living here is that he not drink around us, he goes outside to clean the garage or work in the yard while he drinks.

He's utterly alone, bumbling around the perimeter of the house, orbiting the kids and me like an intoxicated, wobbly moon, pretending he's not drinking and interacting with us when he has to.

It's been like this forever. Only, I used to be so angry, so hurt. I knew our relationship isn't what I want, but I didn't accept it.

Now I know he's not what I want, now I am free of that longing, that pain and only want to see what I can do on my own with my kids. He deserves to have a woman who loves and respects him, and that ain't me.

I"m so excited about not having to live with him anymore. I have a huge event April 7 and after that I'm going to hopefully be able to pick up more work, get my taxes back, fix my car so that it's reliable and move out to the country where my sister and cousin live.

At least that's my plan this morning. Rent will be so much cheaper out there. I looked at a house to rent around the corner from here and it was $1350 for a 900 sq foot home. That's the going rate in town anyway.

I don't want to live in a little apartment with both boys, two little dogs and a big orange cat. I'll find a little house with land instead. Will have to use my taxes to rent a place, being self employed with no credit will be a barrier to housing but I really don't care.

Hope you all have a happy Monday!

Thumper

That is quite a realization. Maybe this is just what it took so you could move forward without doubt and uncertainty.

I moved from my dream house and my dream town to a much smaller one so I could be self sufficient and I have not regretted it for an instant.

MyBetterWorld

Hey, use whatever money you can. My car was hit in a parking lot, dented the passenger door. $3000 in damage, but the door still worked. I accepted the settlement from the other person's insurance and got the hell out of there. Now, when I see my dented door, every time, it reminds me of the freedom that it bought my daughters and me.

transformyself

I wrote out my entire history with AH on another womans post earlier in about 250 words. And just now I was thinking about my inability to engage with my kids during my for my entire marriage.

I always thought it was because of my obsession with AH. But I just realized that he's just the excuse for me to not engage.

For whatever reason--disassociating due to PTSD, co-dependent obsession--the bottom line is I've always struggled with being present with my kids and parenting. Well, I"m about to live alone with my kids again and while I"m very excited, I also know I better heal up this part of me that isn't connected to them.

Lots of work to do. No wonder we hide.

wicked

Yes, some more work to do, but you will learn, because you are ready.
Lemme tell you about my children, they loved me no matter what.
No matter what. Yes, I was a neglectful, drunken, don't have a clue how to mother, but I learned.
The kids have forgiven you and want to move on.
Forgive yourself, be honest with them (no other way with you ) and tell them some of your problems as a kid.
Of course, no gory details (we adults can share those) but how you might miss or not be aware of a problem because you have been taught for nearly your entire life to ignore them. (problems in reality)
I know I used to hide cause I was scared. Don't tell anyone.

Beth

Any need for the fuchsia paint gun of shame for your ex?

transformyself

Thank you thank you Dancing Penguin Lady