First time posting...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 6
First time posting...
Hi all,
This is my first time on this website. I think this post is in the right place, but I also know there are many other posts like this one.
I think my sister is an alcoholic, or is at least heading down that road. If not an alcoholic, I do know with certainty she is mentally ill. She has attempted suicide twice, really three times, though the last time wasn't serious enough to really call it an attempt. She used to drink occasionally in high school and come home drunk, which is something I NEVER could have gotten away with in my house, but as time passed my parents just got more lax as my brother and I moved on. Her drinking didn't seem problematic then, as it was what a lot of people in high school were doing. It was very occasional, and she was an excellent student, even graduating early.
As time has passed over the last five years since she graduated and went to college, she has made increasingly poor decisions. She was dating a man who was about thirteen years older, perpetually in college, and she was buying everything for him. Then they broke up, she has her fun time being single, partying like a young college student, etc. She visited me and my girlfriend over the holidays a few years ago and got incredibly drunk, making completely inappropriate and vulgar remarks in front of people she just met. That night she admitted to snorting heroin at a party and being attracted to "bad boys."
Anyway, a few months after that she met another guy, who my brother and I dd not really care for. They dated for a few months and then I found out she was pregnant. She straightened up for a while but continued to act impulsively during her pregnancy, binge eating (and I'm not talking about pregnancy cravings and morning sickness, she literally ate herself sick). The baby was born, and the guy dropped out of school, while my sister stayed in school. When my nephew was about nine months old the guy left her. He started dating the bartender at the restaurant he worked at, moved straight out of my sister's house and into that girl's house. He was put on probation after an OWI and continued to drink. Recently he filed for sole physical custody of my nephew, claiming my sister is an unfit mother and has a drinking problem. We know that he has one, and he would never stay home to take care of my nephew because he wanted to go out and drink. I didn't believe my sister had a problem, but when I talked to my mom she told me my sister did admit to drinking a lot right after the baby was born but that she has not been drinking excessively anymore (she claimed post-partum issues and also had a suicide attempt at this time). I stopped by my sister's house recently on the way through town and she had a 12 pack of beer sitting right there on the counter as soon as I walked through her door. She told me she had three the night before and didn't think it was a big deal. I'm just so frustrated that she continues to make these decisions and put stress on my mom and dad. My mom is extremely codependent and we all have our complaints about her. My dad is the best guy ever, super hard-working and the nicest man you'll ever meet. He cries when my sister calls home because he can't take what she is doing to her life either.
Oh, and the cherry on top is that I am a substance abuse counselor. So I know all about the disease of addiction and how it impacts the family. I'm not sure at this time if my sister is an alcoholic or not, as I don't know how much or how often she is drinking, or she can in fact stop. What I do know is that I spend all of my time worrying about my nephew, wanting to cry for the crappy life he is already being handed. Other times I'm worried about my sister being a drain on my parents. Other times I'm worried about my sister finally hitting the point where she screws her life up beyond repair. She's still hanging in there right now, interviewing for jobs and graduating (ON TIME) this spring. I just feel like I need some support from people who understand, because I know I'm codependent too and the whole situation just consumes my thoughts. For the longest time I've told myself that I absolutely despise my sister, but now her decisions have the potential to ruin her son's life and that is absolutely not fair.
I'm sorry this was so long.....thanks for listening!
This is my first time on this website. I think this post is in the right place, but I also know there are many other posts like this one.
I think my sister is an alcoholic, or is at least heading down that road. If not an alcoholic, I do know with certainty she is mentally ill. She has attempted suicide twice, really three times, though the last time wasn't serious enough to really call it an attempt. She used to drink occasionally in high school and come home drunk, which is something I NEVER could have gotten away with in my house, but as time passed my parents just got more lax as my brother and I moved on. Her drinking didn't seem problematic then, as it was what a lot of people in high school were doing. It was very occasional, and she was an excellent student, even graduating early.
As time has passed over the last five years since she graduated and went to college, she has made increasingly poor decisions. She was dating a man who was about thirteen years older, perpetually in college, and she was buying everything for him. Then they broke up, she has her fun time being single, partying like a young college student, etc. She visited me and my girlfriend over the holidays a few years ago and got incredibly drunk, making completely inappropriate and vulgar remarks in front of people she just met. That night she admitted to snorting heroin at a party and being attracted to "bad boys."
Anyway, a few months after that she met another guy, who my brother and I dd not really care for. They dated for a few months and then I found out she was pregnant. She straightened up for a while but continued to act impulsively during her pregnancy, binge eating (and I'm not talking about pregnancy cravings and morning sickness, she literally ate herself sick). The baby was born, and the guy dropped out of school, while my sister stayed in school. When my nephew was about nine months old the guy left her. He started dating the bartender at the restaurant he worked at, moved straight out of my sister's house and into that girl's house. He was put on probation after an OWI and continued to drink. Recently he filed for sole physical custody of my nephew, claiming my sister is an unfit mother and has a drinking problem. We know that he has one, and he would never stay home to take care of my nephew because he wanted to go out and drink. I didn't believe my sister had a problem, but when I talked to my mom she told me my sister did admit to drinking a lot right after the baby was born but that she has not been drinking excessively anymore (she claimed post-partum issues and also had a suicide attempt at this time). I stopped by my sister's house recently on the way through town and she had a 12 pack of beer sitting right there on the counter as soon as I walked through her door. She told me she had three the night before and didn't think it was a big deal. I'm just so frustrated that she continues to make these decisions and put stress on my mom and dad. My mom is extremely codependent and we all have our complaints about her. My dad is the best guy ever, super hard-working and the nicest man you'll ever meet. He cries when my sister calls home because he can't take what she is doing to her life either.
Oh, and the cherry on top is that I am a substance abuse counselor. So I know all about the disease of addiction and how it impacts the family. I'm not sure at this time if my sister is an alcoholic or not, as I don't know how much or how often she is drinking, or she can in fact stop. What I do know is that I spend all of my time worrying about my nephew, wanting to cry for the crappy life he is already being handed. Other times I'm worried about my sister being a drain on my parents. Other times I'm worried about my sister finally hitting the point where she screws her life up beyond repair. She's still hanging in there right now, interviewing for jobs and graduating (ON TIME) this spring. I just feel like I need some support from people who understand, because I know I'm codependent too and the whole situation just consumes my thoughts. For the longest time I've told myself that I absolutely despise my sister, but now her decisions have the potential to ruin her son's life and that is absolutely not fair.
I'm sorry this was so long.....thanks for listening!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Welcome JohnnyE we're glad you found us and so sorry for the reason that you did.
You're post was not long at all and we do understand. Look at the top of the page and there are stickies that will help you understand so much more about this disease. Also, please check out Al-Anon near you it will help enormously and come back often to SR we're here for you.
You're post was not long at all and we do understand. Look at the top of the page and there are stickies that will help you understand so much more about this disease. Also, please check out Al-Anon near you it will help enormously and come back often to SR we're here for you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by reading as much as you can about loving an alcoholic. Also, we are here to listen when you need to post your feelings, or rant about the latest addictive behavior. We understand.
Have you, your sibling, or your parents considered attending local Alanon meetings? I found them very helpful, anonymous, and full of infomation to help me in my relationships.
Please pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by reading as much as you can about loving an alcoholic. Also, we are here to listen when you need to post your feelings, or rant about the latest addictive behavior. We understand.
Have you, your sibling, or your parents considered attending local Alanon meetings? I found them very helpful, anonymous, and full of infomation to help me in my relationships.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 6
Thanks for the support. Again, I'm not sure if she is an alcoholic or not, but if you even have to question that, I know it isn't a good sign. As a counselor I fully understand I cannot make decisions for her and only my sister can straighten out her life. I just feel a lot of stress from it and feel like my nephew doesn't deserve his mother or father as parents.
There is no way yet that my parents would go to Al-Anon, because my mom is constantly turning a blind eye to my sister's behavior, which she has done since my sister was five. Even then, when I was nine, I was being a counselor trying to explain that "If you don't hold her responsible and you keep making excuses for her it is only going to get worse." And it has. Are there any forums for support on mentally ill family members as well? She is most certainly bi-polar or borderline but I'm quite sure which.
There is no way yet that my parents would go to Al-Anon, because my mom is constantly turning a blind eye to my sister's behavior, which she has done since my sister was five. Even then, when I was nine, I was being a counselor trying to explain that "If you don't hold her responsible and you keep making excuses for her it is only going to get worse." And it has. Are there any forums for support on mentally ill family members as well? She is most certainly bi-polar or borderline but I'm quite sure which.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Would your sister be opened to seeing a therapist? Is she upset at all about her ex trying to get your nephew and the reasons why he thinks he can get him? Maybe if she thinks she needs to clean up her act to keep her son she might be willing to see someone.
Sorry about your mom not wanting to go to Al-Anon but hopefully you and your dad will check it out.
Sorry about your mom not wanting to go to Al-Anon but hopefully you and your dad will check it out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 6
She has seen one at different points in her life after her suicide attempts, and after a friend of hers committed suicide. She didn't really stick with it though. She has had medication in the past which she has taken, but I think it is sporadic at best.
I do know she is upset, but she is mostly upset because she feels he is an unfit father, not because he thinks she is an unfit mother. I don't think he even want the child, but his parents are making him. He doesn't provide or pay child support, and he works as a restaurant server.
I do know she is upset, but she is mostly upset because she feels he is an unfit father, not because he thinks she is an unfit mother. I don't think he even want the child, but his parents are making him. He doesn't provide or pay child support, and he works as a restaurant server.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR.
It's very hard to accept the reality of that which we cannot change or control.
You have a sister who abuses drugs and people and is self-destructive. This is her business. Your sister becomes your business only if she endangers the life of her child, in which event she will also become the legal system's business.
Your parents have a daughter who is possibly an addict and who is sometimes suicidal. This is your parents' business. How they handle it is entirely up to them. It will depend on who they are. That is not your business.
Your little nephew has a mother who is possibly an addict and if she is, your nephew will--for all of his life-- have a mother who is an addict. He will always be the child of an addict and he will have painful experiences because of it. He will also have the possibility of tremendous personal development. That path is his business, it is not yours. He becomes your business only if--as a child-- he is endangered by an unfit parent.
It is good you recognize your codependency. Are you working a program of recovery from codependency? That will be your business.
I'm sorry for your pain. We all understand that kind of pain.
Wishing you some peace as you work your own program of recovery. Wishing your dear nephew safety and health.
It's very hard to accept the reality of that which we cannot change or control.
You have a sister who abuses drugs and people and is self-destructive. This is her business. Your sister becomes your business only if she endangers the life of her child, in which event she will also become the legal system's business.
Your parents have a daughter who is possibly an addict and who is sometimes suicidal. This is your parents' business. How they handle it is entirely up to them. It will depend on who they are. That is not your business.
Your little nephew has a mother who is possibly an addict and if she is, your nephew will--for all of his life-- have a mother who is an addict. He will always be the child of an addict and he will have painful experiences because of it. He will also have the possibility of tremendous personal development. That path is his business, it is not yours. He becomes your business only if--as a child-- he is endangered by an unfit parent.
It is good you recognize your codependency. Are you working a program of recovery from codependency? That will be your business.
I'm sorry for your pain. We all understand that kind of pain.
Wishing you some peace as you work your own program of recovery. Wishing your dear nephew safety and health.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
There a three C's that we say and that is:
1. I didn't Cause it
2. I can't Control it
3. I can't Cure it
I know that is easier said than done. Please get the book by Melody Beattie, Codependent No More? Find an Al-Anon group who will give you support. As a counselor you know that this is a family disease so be good to yourself and get help. Keep posting we're here for you.
1. I didn't Cause it
2. I can't Control it
3. I can't Cure it
I know that is easier said than done. Please get the book by Melody Beattie, Codependent No More? Find an Al-Anon group who will give you support. As a counselor you know that this is a family disease so be good to yourself and get help. Keep posting we're here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 6
I do have the book, I used to lend it to clients so they could read it too. I still have those tendencies but I can say they are a WHOLE lot better than I used to be. This specific situation has brought it out more, while I haven't really had any issues with codependency for some time. I understand that I didn't cause it and I can't control it, but thanks for reinforcing that. I'm just mad with her for her choices and I'm mad at my parents for how they raised her, as I witnessed most of it and knew even as a child that my mother was "messing up" my sister. I know it isn't anyone's "fault" if she is in fact an addict, but I do blame my mom for my sister's poor behavior.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
You need to get to a better place and reciting the 3 C's is a great reminder when you mind starts to go into overdrive on what you can possibly do to make things better, you can't. If it was possible most of the people here wouldn't need to be here. I don't need to tell you all these things you probably tell other people this so heed the words you give to family member of your clients and remember to be good to yourself. The sad thing is you're tearing yourself up thinking non-stop about this and it doesn't change your sister or the situation in the least. Again, take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Johnny, this is a good forum to read about other people's experiences. I came here to find out how to help my 52 year old sister, who is an alcoholic with mental illness. I, as well as our mom and dad, have been doing damage control and trying to make her well for many years. I did all that because that's what I thought families were supposed to do - be there for each other through thick and thin. It wasn't until I started reading posts on this forum that I realized it was okay for me to not participate in the madness any more. In fact, not only did I find out it's okay, but I should NOT participate in the madness at all.
The reason I explained that is because I want you to compare the age of your sister with the age of my sister and understand how many years of this madness you have ahead of you, if you stay emotionally involved, and your sister's disease progresses. You know way more about addiction than I do. But personally, in the past several years, I've been called by the police numerous times to come and do something about my sister. I've also been called many times by her friends and neighbors. I've spent many, many days visiting her in the psych unit at the hospital following her numerous suicide attempts. I've missed my own daughter's special events because I was chasing around after my grown alcoholic sister. I've had to arrange for someone to come and fix my sister's door after the police busted it down, so her house would be secure while she was in detox. And I've spent countless sleepless nights worrying about her while she was feeling carefree in a drunken stupor. I've spent many holidays holding dinner up for the whole family while waiting for her to arrive, if at all. And this isn't even the half of it.
While I can't control the actions of my parents, who continue to be co-dependent, and I can't control the actions of my sister, I can to a certain extent control how I react and deal with this situation. I've chosen to save what's left of myself, and not be involved in my sister's illness or drama any more. I hope you are able to do the same thing. You know how to do it.
The reason I explained that is because I want you to compare the age of your sister with the age of my sister and understand how many years of this madness you have ahead of you, if you stay emotionally involved, and your sister's disease progresses. You know way more about addiction than I do. But personally, in the past several years, I've been called by the police numerous times to come and do something about my sister. I've also been called many times by her friends and neighbors. I've spent many, many days visiting her in the psych unit at the hospital following her numerous suicide attempts. I've missed my own daughter's special events because I was chasing around after my grown alcoholic sister. I've had to arrange for someone to come and fix my sister's door after the police busted it down, so her house would be secure while she was in detox. And I've spent countless sleepless nights worrying about her while she was feeling carefree in a drunken stupor. I've spent many holidays holding dinner up for the whole family while waiting for her to arrive, if at all. And this isn't even the half of it.
While I can't control the actions of my parents, who continue to be co-dependent, and I can't control the actions of my sister, I can to a certain extent control how I react and deal with this situation. I've chosen to save what's left of myself, and not be involved in my sister's illness or drama any more. I hope you are able to do the same thing. You know how to do it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 6
I appreciate the feedback. I think people are over-estimating my emotional entanglement here. I don't DO anything for my sister, I just worry about my nephew a lot and feel frustrated. I've been told by my girlfriend that she is more concerned that I am erring on the side of stonewalling my sister, rather than being enmeshed. My girlfriend, too, is a social worker, so we both understand this. I do not enable my sister's behavior in any way and I consistently tell my mother to stop engaging in these behaviors. Just this morning my sister texted me asking if I wanted to watch my nephew tomorrow night. While I would like to see him, I refuse to babysit because she is coming here to visit and party with some very negative influences for St. Patty's Day (or I suspect, as she unsuccessfully attempted to hang out with them last weekend as well).
The bottom line is that I completely understand I have no control over my sister or any other family members. I just truly wish she would get her act together for the sake of my nephew. I appreciate the positive feedback, but what I'm looking for is more encouragement, not instructions. I know and understand the things people are saying and practice them daily. You all know as well as I do that this is a process and that telling someone what to do is not the answer, but telling them what was helpful for you and how you dealt with your situation is encouraging. Thank you everyone for continuing to listen. It actually feels like a great relief to talk about it anonymously without receiving criticism, which I have gotten a lot of around here for being firm with my sister.
The bottom line is that I completely understand I have no control over my sister or any other family members. I just truly wish she would get her act together for the sake of my nephew. I appreciate the positive feedback, but what I'm looking for is more encouragement, not instructions. I know and understand the things people are saying and practice them daily. You all know as well as I do that this is a process and that telling someone what to do is not the answer, but telling them what was helpful for you and how you dealt with your situation is encouraging. Thank you everyone for continuing to listen. It actually feels like a great relief to talk about it anonymously without receiving criticism, which I have gotten a lot of around here for being firm with my sister.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm so sorry you have this terrible problem. Few things are more painful than watching someone we love destroy themselves. An alcoholic doesn't have to drink every day but once they pick up a drink they are powerless over the quantity and what happens.
You can't do anything for your sister but her child, your nephew, may be another matter. If you ever feel the baby is being neglected or not being cared for you must contact the authorities. If your sister drives drunk with the baby in the car call the police. Alcohol is considered by many addiction specialists to be the worst drug of all because of the widespread damage it does to other people.
You can't do anything for your sister but her child, your nephew, may be another matter. If you ever feel the baby is being neglected or not being cared for you must contact the authorities. If your sister drives drunk with the baby in the car call the police. Alcohol is considered by many addiction specialists to be the worst drug of all because of the widespread damage it does to other people.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 6
I do have to say that I am impressed with her to some extent too. She has made horrible decisions with her relationships and just doesn't seem to want to grow up or accept that she can't be selfish anymore with a child, but she has also managed to stay on track to graduate this spring, completing college in four years, she is interviewing for jobs, she is taking my nephew to medical appointments and daycare, she has connected herself with WIC and Medicaid and Legal Aid for the current custody issues. I think that is actually the part that really bothers me; the fact that she can be so on top of so many things and still come off as completely daft and selfish and self-destructive. I feel like the father of my nephew said she has a drinking problem just because this is in keeping with his behaviors, which have included badmouthing my sister, continuing to drink on probation, and filing my nephew as a dependent despite providing nothing for him. However, I just often feel paranoid, being a substance counselor. Certainly my sister should not be having any alcohol while watching my nephew, though she is entitled to go relax with friends once in a while if someone responsible is watching the baby. I just wish I knew the full extent of her drinking and if she legitimately has a drinking problem right now.
Thanks for the continued support. I'm just sort of thinking out loud right now.
Thanks for the continued support. I'm just sort of thinking out loud right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, johnny. You sound very solid and grounded; I hope you can be the positive male influence your nephew is going to need in his life. I am sorry your situation brought you here, but this is a great place to be, and a great place to think out loud. Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
One line from my Nar-Anon literature which helped me so much:
"Worry never changed the course of events."
Your post is thick with worry. And it is good you have a place to voice it, here, or with your gf, or in meetings if you choose to attend them. Families of addicts often become so isolated, so caught in the crazy-circle, and they need to open up and let their fears out. You are human and your distress in normal.
"Worry never changed the course of events."
Your post is thick with worry. And it is good you have a place to voice it, here, or with your gf, or in meetings if you choose to attend them. Families of addicts often become so isolated, so caught in the crazy-circle, and they need to open up and let their fears out. You are human and your distress in normal.
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