Lesson #57,498 Learned
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Lesson #57,498 Learned
Six days ago my son calls, crying like a little girl, begging for treatment, "I'll do anything to get out of this never-ending hell..." BLAH BLAH BLAH
He's well covered by insurance so I get him into rehab late on a Friday night....
Today he's checking himself out....just can't do it, he says. Can't stand everyone telling me what to do, he says.
He never even gave it a fair chance. He's gotta do it his way...and we all know where that's going. One of his 'buddies' is going to pick him up.
He's gonna have to lose my number
I'm gonna miss him. I love him so much.
I enjoyed having him back for just a few days anyway.
I need to close this chapter for at least a little while and take a break from this world of addiction and non-recovery. Maybe I'm even giving up the whole damn fight. I dunno.
Ya'll take care while I spend some time licking my wounds.
I Love you all.
He's well covered by insurance so I get him into rehab late on a Friday night....
Today he's checking himself out....just can't do it, he says. Can't stand everyone telling me what to do, he says.
He never even gave it a fair chance. He's gotta do it his way...and we all know where that's going. One of his 'buddies' is going to pick him up.
He's gonna have to lose my number
I'm gonna miss him. I love him so much.
I enjoyed having him back for just a few days anyway.
I need to close this chapter for at least a little while and take a break from this world of addiction and non-recovery. Maybe I'm even giving up the whole damn fight. I dunno.
Ya'll take care while I spend some time licking my wounds.
I Love you all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
I’m so sorry you hopes got trampled on again 
You are thinking about stopping the battle; that is where I am at. I gave up the fight and have zero contact. I am unwilling to do anything for my AS even help him with recovery. I believe it is solely up to him. I feel 7+ years of the battle is enough for me and for him- Even if he hates me and never completely understands why I had to let him go.
You will know what to do in your own time.
Hugs
You are thinking about stopping the battle; that is where I am at. I gave up the fight and have zero contact. I am unwilling to do anything for my AS even help him with recovery. I believe it is solely up to him. I feel 7+ years of the battle is enough for me and for him- Even if he hates me and never completely understands why I had to let him go.
You will know what to do in your own time.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
tjp, I am so so sorry for the pain you are experiencing right now and I hope you don't give up. You gave me some VERY helpful advice a couple of weeks ago that I carry with me everyday, to enjoy all the small things in life. I hope you can maybe remind yourself of those encouraging words you spoke (or typed) to me and apply it to your situation. I can't imagine how much more painful it is to be going through this and it's your child. You are in my thoughts, my heart goes out to you and I'm sending you BIG BIG HUGS!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
((((tjp))))) I'm so sorry for the disappointment - still again. I understand your feelings of giving up the fight. It is exhausting!
I've fought for over 20 years with many, many downs and very few times of hope and excitement. I'm tired, too. I want to give it all up, call off the fight, give in, and say, "Okay Addiction. You win. I lose. Now both of you, AS and Addiction, get out of my life..forever." But I have too difficult of a time trying to completely lose contact. I'm still working on it though.
So, tjp, you're still not alone. We still care, and I pray you find a way to peacefully live with this latest disappointment.
I've fought for over 20 years with many, many downs and very few times of hope and excitement. I'm tired, too. I want to give it all up, call off the fight, give in, and say, "Okay Addiction. You win. I lose. Now both of you, AS and Addiction, get out of my life..forever." But I have too difficult of a time trying to completely lose contact. I'm still working on it though.
So, tjp, you're still not alone. We still care, and I pray you find a way to peacefully live with this latest disappointment.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I need to close this chapter for at least a little while and take a break from this world of addiction and non-recovery. Maybe I'm even giving up the whole damn fight. I dunno.
That's Step One, dear friend, and it's not an ending, it's a beginning.
My surrender came one night driving home from dragging my son from a crackhouse (after threatening to kick down the door) in another city. He came with me, and when I left he went back. I was driving and crying so hard I had to pull off the highway, and I remember telling God "I just cannot do one more day of this, he's all yours God, go ahead and give it your best shot." (God's used to my outbursts). I remember feeling immediate relief, like a huge load was lifted from my shoulders. I have never ever been that low since. It was my beginning, it was when I surrendered that I reached out to God and found meetings and my life slowly became better, my life became worth living again.
Mama to mama hugs. You'll be okay. Come sit by me a while if you don't.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((tjp))) - I'm so sorry you are hurting. Though I haven't had a child who is wrapped up in addiction, I have (and do) have loved ones who are.
It's okay to say "I've had enough"..to keep them in our prayers, but stay out of their "stuff". I have many chapters in my life that I have had to accept they are closed...my nursing career, my addiction/codependency (though I still slip and slide in the codie part and have to work recovery on both counts every single day).
Though I still continue to have hope for my loved ones who are active, I try to leave their progress, or lack of, up to HP. I'm still learning to love from a distance, but I am learning.
Mega hugs and prayers for you and your son,
Amy
It's okay to say "I've had enough"..to keep them in our prayers, but stay out of their "stuff". I have many chapters in my life that I have had to accept they are closed...my nursing career, my addiction/codependency (though I still slip and slide in the codie part and have to work recovery on both counts every single day).
Though I still continue to have hope for my loved ones who are active, I try to leave their progress, or lack of, up to HP. I'm still learning to love from a distance, but I am learning.
Mega hugs and prayers for you and your son,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Once AGAIN, thank you all for being here for me. I don't know that I've ever felt like such an idiot -- I should have known. I should have listened to all of you. I should have taken my hands off the wheel LONG ago. I almost want to apologize to all of you. You've tried to teach me. You've spent countless hours counseling me, 'hugging' me, supporting me, and I knew what I needed to do, but NO, I believed him when he said he was done. I forgot everything you've taught me and I listened to his words....the empty promises of a heroin addict. With God as my witness, I'll never believe his words again. Never.
His car was here at my house so he had to come here eventually to get it. He left treatment at around 1:30, I guess, and got here at 8:30. I had seen him for a session only the day before and he looked good. When he got here last night, he had dark circles under his eyes and the color was drained from his face. Oh yes, he most definitely had been using. He denied it over and over. I swear it was almost comical if it weren't so sad. I let him see my pain. I wailed for 30 minutes and he NEVER sees me cry. He HATES to see people cry...it just tears him up. Again, he told me not to worry...he's got a plan for recovery, he just couldn't stay in residential treatment....being 'locked up' just made him suicidal. Swears he's been sober all day and is fully embracing recovery. I wanted to puke.
(((Ann))) Once again, you have hit the nail on the head. I only thought I had 'completed' Step One long ago. HA! Not even close. I had to look into the eyes of my son again....or the child that used to be my son....and see with more clarity that heroin has taken his soul. Heroin wins. I give up. I am absolutely, completely, 100% powerless over drugs, alcohol, and other human beings. I even relinquish my power to support him in any recovery efforts. I have no power to do anything except seek out my own healing. Ok. I swear I get it this time. At least until I'm stupid enough to pick up the phone again.
Heroin wins.
His car was here at my house so he had to come here eventually to get it. He left treatment at around 1:30, I guess, and got here at 8:30. I had seen him for a session only the day before and he looked good. When he got here last night, he had dark circles under his eyes and the color was drained from his face. Oh yes, he most definitely had been using. He denied it over and over. I swear it was almost comical if it weren't so sad. I let him see my pain. I wailed for 30 minutes and he NEVER sees me cry. He HATES to see people cry...it just tears him up. Again, he told me not to worry...he's got a plan for recovery, he just couldn't stay in residential treatment....being 'locked up' just made him suicidal. Swears he's been sober all day and is fully embracing recovery. I wanted to puke.
(((Ann))) Once again, you have hit the nail on the head. I only thought I had 'completed' Step One long ago. HA! Not even close. I had to look into the eyes of my son again....or the child that used to be my son....and see with more clarity that heroin has taken his soul. Heroin wins. I give up. I am absolutely, completely, 100% powerless over drugs, alcohol, and other human beings. I even relinquish my power to support him in any recovery efforts. I have no power to do anything except seek out my own healing. Ok. I swear I get it this time. At least until I'm stupid enough to pick up the phone again.
Heroin wins.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
(((TJP)))
If you're an idiot, then I am too...most of here in fact. It doesn't matter what you've been told, or what you've heard. This whole "get it" thing is a process for all of us. Sometimes we have to experience it to believe it.
In my case I had to at least try, so that I can now say I did all that I could.
You're not alone in this
If you're an idiot, then I am too...most of here in fact. It doesn't matter what you've been told, or what you've heard. This whole "get it" thing is a process for all of us. Sometimes we have to experience it to believe it.
In my case I had to at least try, so that I can now say I did all that I could.
You're not alone in this
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
tjp, m'dear, m'dear, how my heart goes out to you. We are mothers, and nature made us nurturers. It goes against our grain to "not nurture". Self-destruction is not a normal thing for our offspring to do, and as humans we're not wired to know how to deal with that. I've let my 26 year old AS imprison my very soul for so very long. I've been No Contact for just over two weeks now, and while I feel "better" (a relative term) I struggle with worry, I jump when the phone rings, and I can't seem to get motivated or find a new "normal" for myself. But I've made myself a promise that I'm going to be emotionally and physically and mentally available for my other, non addict son, and for my husband, and a couple other people I care about in my life, and I'm going to try and re-learn how to be kind to myself.
Our situations are so similar with our sons. I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a hug. I know those dark circles under the eyes, that yellow-gray look to the skin, the absent look in the eyes looking back at me. I hate the drug, hate that it exists. I have a short story I wrote quite a while ago, probably 4 or 5 years ago, that I've been thinking about posting. I don't think I've ever let anyone see it except my husband, who knows about addiction because of his daughters. Writing that story, the only one I've written about my AS's addiction, helped me to "see things" a little more clearly. Maybe I'll post it on here today.
Hugs and prayers for you and your son.
Our situations are so similar with our sons. I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a hug. I know those dark circles under the eyes, that yellow-gray look to the skin, the absent look in the eyes looking back at me. I hate the drug, hate that it exists. I have a short story I wrote quite a while ago, probably 4 or 5 years ago, that I've been thinking about posting. I don't think I've ever let anyone see it except my husband, who knows about addiction because of his daughters. Writing that story, the only one I've written about my AS's addiction, helped me to "see things" a little more clearly. Maybe I'll post it on here today.
Hugs and prayers for you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I've been there....not once.....not twice but many times. If only I had believed that I should hand things over to my HP as completely as I've believed the lies my son has told me. I've easily and thoroughly surrendered to those lies.....why have I had so much difficulty thoroughly surrendering to the fact of my own powerlessness? It is a process.
For a long time my subconscious believed that if I let go, evil and drugs would "win". Even with all of the 12 step exposure, that thought niggled at the back of my mind. The tug-o-war is still on with our sons. Drugs have one arm but instead of us hanging on to the other arm, pulling with all our might, our son's HP has it. It's a much better match now.
I'm so sorry that your heart is hurting. You are not alone. Take care of you.
Lots of gentle hugs
ke
For a long time my subconscious believed that if I let go, evil and drugs would "win". Even with all of the 12 step exposure, that thought niggled at the back of my mind. The tug-o-war is still on with our sons. Drugs have one arm but instead of us hanging on to the other arm, pulling with all our might, our son's HP has it. It's a much better match now.
I'm so sorry that your heart is hurting. You are not alone. Take care of you.
Lots of gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
I'd never scrolled below Friends and Family of SA's before today, but just now I looked on down further and found a lot of other valuable into, other threads, etc. I posted one little short story called "On Faith" by Noni (the name my granddaughter calls me) under the Social section, poems, etc. I don't know that it'll help with your situation other than to serve as a distraction. I'll post my story about my AS later on.
More hugs and prayers heading your way.
More hugs and prayers heading your way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
tjp, the only thing that helped me to let go was to remember my daughter doesn't belong to me. She came from me and her dad, she is a gift we share with the world. I don't belong to my parents, either, and haven't since I was 16. It didn't matter how hard they tried to hold on, I determined they would not. It took many years for them to let go and I knew that was their problem to deal with, just as it became mine with my daughter.
You and your family are in my prayers
You and your family are in my prayers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
What an amazing group of women you are.
Thank you for your collective wisdom and never-ending understanding. How in the world do other people manage this heartache and confusion without this kind of support? I can't imagine going thru this alone. Thank you for being here.
Thank you for your collective wisdom and never-ending understanding. How in the world do other people manage this heartache and confusion without this kind of support? I can't imagine going thru this alone. Thank you for being here.
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