madisonblake

Earlier this week I posted a thread about my exBF who I thought had possibly relapsed. He started doing things that seemed shady to me, including deleting call histories, allowing his old drug dealer to call his phone (who supposedly had been blocked after rehab), etc. I had asked him Sunday why he wouldn't block the call if he didn't want him calling or answer the phone to see what he wants. He became angry and hostile and came up with what I felt to be a B.S. reason. Like many of you said to me in that thread, just listen to my instincts and I don't need a phone or other evidence to know if he has relapsed.

I didn't hear from him all week. I had to just let go. He knew I had some of his email info and I wanted him to change it all. I sent him email asking him to change the info and explained how his behavior recently has made me feel. I talked about it in the sense of boundaries like you all suggested "when this happens, it makes me feel like this". Of course, the reply I got back was just so incredibly angry......."you accused me of doing drugs" (which actually I hadn't mind you), "you are out of control" "you make me feel like sh--t" "you are not perfect" "You never do anything wrong" "I never wanna see you again ", bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. I mean don't these addicts realize you can see through the crap after awhile. It's so painfully obvious after you've known them for so long.

I thought I would be able to keep it together but I didn't do that so well at first. It was just attack, attack, attack, deflect, turn the tables, you know, typical addict behavior. It was exactly how he was when he was in active addiction over the last year and sadly, I do believe deep down he is back at it.

I broke down and called my sister and told her everything (we are really close.) I refuse to do what I used to do which is alienate myself and not talk to my friends and family. I will rely on this site for support. I've blocked every form of communication I can possibly block. There's no more reason for me to contact him. Now I just have to be strong. I reallize I will never trust this person again. I realize that most of the time I've known him, he's been in active addiction. Even when he went to rehab last December and came out I saw parts of him that were ugly. The short fuse, the lies, the ugly things were still there. I just didn't want to see it.

I think one of the hardest things right now is just going through the acceptance phase again. Accepting the loss of a loved one in your everyday life, the loss of a connection, the loss of a friend. I'm sitting at work right now just wanting to cry. I hope I stay strong enough this time to just never speak to this person for a very long time, if ever. No contact starts again today!

Sorry for the rambling

Impurrfect

(((madisonblake))) - though my last bf is one of the 3 I shared addiction with, I got into recovery. I relapsed, ended up back with him and when he said some things, I knew I was done with using. I also realized that even if he had 5 years of solid recovery? I would never, ever trust him. Too much water under the bridge. A couple years later, he died..too busy smoking the crack pipe to go to a dr. for pneumonia. It could have been me.

Despite all the bad, I still went through grief..when I realized we were really, really DONE, then again when he died. I clung to this forum, some f2f family/friends and worked through it.

As far as don't they realize we see through what they're saying? Nope. When I was using, I believed everything I said, even though it was totally irrational. If someone attacked me and my drug use? I lashed out, deflected, whatever it took to take the focus off of me. Other times, I just said "I'm not ready to quit, get over it" which was a pretty hateful thing to say to my dad, who was in tears, had driven 1-1/2 hours to find me on the streets just to make sure I was still alive

I do have to say, NC (no contact) is the way to go. I made a list of all the reasons my ex was wrong for me, the things he'd done to hurt me, and I referred to it a lot. Even when I made a list of pros and cons, that pros list was pretty darned short.

I'm glad you're not isolating..used to do that myself, and then I got on here and now you can't shut me up! Seriously, though, reading through threads here, reaching out when I was struggling, helped a lot.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

EnglishGarden

You are not rambling! You are speaking recovery!

See, how he has affected you? You make those beautiful strong clear sane statements and then in closing, you doubt yourself for a moment.

No need to that here! We love recovery talk and you can use as many words as you like.

December2011

MadisonBlake,

I think one of the hardest things right now is just going through the acceptance phase again. Accepting the loss of a loved one in your everyday life, the loss of a connection, the loss of a friend. I'm sitting at work right now just wanting to cry. I hope I stay strong enough this time to just never speak to this person for a very long time, if ever. No contact starts again today!

That is so hard and especially because nothing is ever all bad, Even through all the horrible times with my son, there were those nice times chillin’ and watching one of our favorite scifi movies or listening to music. Strangely, we had a lot in common (besides drugs). A good cry is much needed sometimes.

I am glad you are close to your sis. It's good to have that support- Of course you have us too You better not alienate yourself again!!

Time for new adventures, MadisonBlake
Hugs

madisonblake

Yes strangely enough my ex and I had a ton in common (except drugs). When we were together, we got along great, had great talks, had many common interests and just had a great time. Unfortunately that would never last that long without some crazy incident happening that would stir up the biggest argument, and then back to normalcy. A crazy roller coaster ride.

My mom is staying with my daughter and I tonight. I think I'll go stay with my sister's family this weekend so I am not alone. It's just really hard to speak to my family because they just don't understand why I would even be so heart broken. They don't understand and I can't really expect them to. They just say things like "you can have anyone, you are smart, talented, independent, etc" You know, all the things that make me feel good but I can't really explain the why and expect anyone to understand because I know it makes NO SENSE. It's just insanity.

The thing I keep repeating to myself is that even if his story were true (which I highly highly doubt) and he didn't relapse, I still shouldn't be with this person who is obviously an unhealthy relationship partner. Who wants to be with someone that made you feel like you can't raise an issue without getting hostile? Who wants to be with someone that makes you feel like you are crazy for bringing up an issue? Even if he were clean, who would want to be with someone who didn't make the necessary steps to make you feel safe or stand up for you? Not me. So high or sober, I still don't need to know an answer like I used to have to know on whether or not he used. If this were me a year ago, I would have broken into his phone records, taken his phone, just done all around crazy stuff. This time, I didn't need to have that "evidence". The evidence was all around me.

But it still hurts.

Skye10

I am going through the same thing. My ex and I had some great times together that didn't include drugs or alcohol. We have so much in common, had deep conversations, laughed together, and just enjoyed being with each other. But it didn't last long until something pissed him off, or he would have some sort of crazy drama going on in his life. I think he liked the attention, even if it was negative. I also think he suffers from a personality disorder which makes things even more crazy when he uses. I never could seperate if it was him in active addiction, or just his mental health issues.

I am on my 3 try of going "no contact" I get to 4 week mark, and then I end up texting him or calling. I start to miss him a lot. I know he is so so bad for me, and he can be dangerous and abusive as well. I know all these things yet I keep trying to rationalize in my mind that things will be better "this time" yet they never are.

You are right madison-its pure insanity at its best and yes it does hurt. *Hugs*

madisonblake

SKye 10 - We do have alot in common. My ex definitely had many of the borderline personality disorder traits. One of my mistakes was thinking that the drugs brought out these traits. Sometimes drugs do. I drove myself insane trying to figure out is this the drugs or is this a personality disorder, or is it both? Truth is, does it matter? I have to ask myself does it matter? It's still a bad situation to be in. I know he was diagnosed with Obsessive Complusive disorder. The problem is that he's lied to therapists in the past. BPD coupled with addiction is evil compounding evil.

I've also started reading on BPD forums this morning when I couldn't sleep and it's frightening how many of the same behaviors that he exhibited that others talk about there. It sends chills down my spine.

I guess what I'm saying is I finally got to the point this time when I said to myself, ok I pretended like if he just went to rehab and stopped doing drugs, everything will be ok. Well, it wasn't. It's his personality, his character on top of the fact that I am a MAJOR trigger for him. I dont think it's me personally, but anyone in a romantic relationship with him would be a major trigger for both the BPD and substance abuse.

I had a really tough morning today. I was up at 4 am :-( Started to get back to wondering well I really shouldn't have snapped at him, etc. I had to quickly stop those thoughts and remember this is NOT about me, not my fault, I didn't ask to be lied to agian, treated with hostility and insanity and didn't cause any relapse that may have happened. Posting here and on the BPD site is helping. I can right here at 4am and just started reading.

KuanYin

madisonblake: most of my experience has been with my AS, and his bizarre behaviors. I know he has an underlying mental illness, probably Aspergers and who knows what else, but I did have an encounter so to speak for about 2 years with a person with BPD. This was a best friend, sort of, who also was an alcoholic, AND had an eating disorder though I didn't recognize it at the time. (Talk about feeling blind and stupid!!) The BPD's can really make you feel crazy if you hang around them long enough. You'll doubt yourself, doubt reality, doubt everything based on their interpretation. That's crazy-making at it's finest and add to that mixture any sort of drug or alcohol abuse and there's one heck of a crazy mess. There's another member on here, Zoso, I think, who has successfully detached and gotten away from a BPD exAGF, and he's doing very well after a long hard journey.

For me, the borderlines scare me moreso than the addicts! If I ever run into another one I hope I'll recognize it, but I don't know. Good for you for getting away, that was a situation that was not going to get better, and borderlines will drain the very life out of you.

lesliej

"I think one of the hardest things right now is just going through the acceptance phase again"

madison,

this acceptance phase, that you and I are in, and that I have been in before (so I thought) is a lot of emotional and mental work. it takes a lot of energy out of my life that could be used for other things...much like I allowed the relationship to do.

that word you use to describe it..."again" is something I am paying attention to. because I don't want to have to do this work again, I don't want to use all this energy AGAIN

thanks for the tip on the BPD boards, I know that when my ex was successful in getting some months under his belt away from crack, then the symptoms of other mood swings and such would start to surface. it's almost like the kingpin crack was a distraction from many other issues that were waiting to be "dealt with"

yes, acceptance...and hopefully I won't spiral back and start over "again" !

zoso77

Oh, how I feel for you. This is awful, and you're probably sitting with feelings that seem, at times, overpowering. And I'm sorry you're going through this. Are you in Al Anon or Nar Anon yet? If not, I suggest you consider going to a few meetings.

Two good books on BPD are Stop Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You Don't Leave Me. When I read those books, it completed what was a disjointed picture of my then AGF. After reading those books, the mystery was gone. It's difficult enough to deal with a loved one's addiction. When your loved one is Borderline on top of that, having a relationship with that person is virtually impossible.

All you can do now is protect yourself. The feelings, at times, will be overwhelming. But you're going to be OK. Now is the time to be compassionate towards yourself. Let God deal with your ex.

ZoSo

madisonblake

Yes, that's exactly what happened. He got off the drugs that were just self medicating his true self. Then all this other stuff is going on that's been maked by drugs, he is diagnosed with OCD and put on Zoloft and I honestly don't think that's the major problem. I think the BPD stuff is just as bad, if honestly not WORSE than the behavior of addicts.

Yes, the word AGAIN. I can't believe I'm using this much of my precious energy and time AGAIN going through this phase once AGAIN. I did buy the book I Hate You Don't Leave Me. I think I'm going to start reading it this weekend.

It's kind of frightening here. I just saw this list of BPD traits. See what you think. The examples were listed by someone else who posted. It so much mirrors traits of addicts. This is why it was so easy for me to think as long as the drugs stopped, all this other stuff would stop. Imagine the two together! It's just been insane insane insane insane.


1. Their words do not match their actions.
I always had to pay attention to what he actually did, not what he said. And often they did not match up.

2. Your gut / instincts tell you something is not right.
The whole time. The warning bells were muffled at first because I was so infatuated in the honeymoon stage--very easy to ignore. Then they got louder and louder as the r/s progressed. By the end, it was a deafening siren, and I still managed to ignore it--until I was abruptly replaced.

3. They seem too good to be true.
Yes. He seemed super human in my eyes at first. The things he talked about doing in the future and the way he adored me was a rush. It felt like a fairy tale at the beginning--but ended like a horror movie.

4. They make villains of past significant others.
Oh yes. Never a kind word about an ex. In fact, he rarely mentioned exes (though he had a lot of them ). When he did mention them, though, he unleashed and they were painted blacker than black. No redeeming qualities, they may as well have been Satan.

5. They do not have many friends.
Mine had a handful of friends, but I did notice they were ALL relatively new friends. I never met any lifelong friends or friends from his past. It's like they didn't exist.

6. The friendships they do have seem shallow.
Shallow as can be. Every one of his friends were people who had a strong personality, money, or something that they could offer him. People he could mirror and use for his needs and triangulate with. I think his friends saw some of this and limited their interaction with him eventually.

7. They have an abusive and/or controlling parent.
Yep. Controlling for sure, and demanding. Maybe abusive, though i have no proof of that. Parents were image driven, social butterfly, perfectionist types. I think they made him feel that he never measured up. This part is sad to me.

8. They do not accept responsibility and are blameless for their actions.
Right on. Would always blame somebody else. The only time I saw him pretend to accept responsibility was a situation when appearing apologetic and pretending to accept blame would get him somewhere and there was no other option. It wasn't real, though. He never truly accepted blame or responsibility for anything.

9. Chances are they abuse alcohol and/or drugs.
Yes. Drugs, too, but mostly alcohol. I think, though, if he were dating a druggie or could get some use from a druggie, he would be one too.

10. They are secretive and hide things from you.
All the time. He would tell me something that I later realized was a lie. It was often small things that he seemed to lie about just to lie. I don't know if he felt a sense of control or what, but he just as quickly lie as tell the truth. He was a master of omitting information. He would tell me the trivial parts of something but ignore the important parts (particularly if they made him look bad).

11. They try to keep you to from your friends or family.
Yes! Person by person he isolated me from all of my support network. He would make me feel guilty for spending time with them or plant falsehoods in my head that would cause rifts between me and other people. Eventually, all I had was him.

12. They are physically attractive.
Amazingly attractive, one of the most handsome men I've ever seen. People would almost do a double take when they saw him and it was always one of the first qualities that was mentioned when he was discussed. It was stunning. Funny thing, though, I don't think he believed it at all. When I complimented his looks, he wouldn't really accept it. I got the feeling that he thought I was lying to him and it made him uncomfortable. If he would talk about his appearance, it was only to point out how fit and trim he used to be. Never anything positive now.

13. They lie.
Yes, about anything. As mentioned before.

14. They are impulsive.
Yep. Would save up a few dollars for something important then waste it on something dumb. Would starve himself to lose weight then eat an entire extra large supreme pizza and guzzle milkshakes. Would plan to work all day then impulsively go out and drink. Out of control.

15. They fall in love with you way too quickly.
Ohhhh yes. Very intense very quickly and moved in with me after just a few days of knowing me. I was swept off my feet. I never saw it coming.

16. They say what you want to hear.
Master at this. He knew exactly what to say to reel me in. Whether he followed through with it was always a real gamble, but it sure sounded good... And it worked.

17. They push you away and quickly pull you back.
Yes. Push/pull. It was all pull at first then push/pull then eventually mostly push. Then replacement.

18. You never feel completely secure about where you stand with them.
This one hits close to home. We could have a good night, then I would wake up in the morning and feel like I was on pins and needles wondering if he would be the same person I knew the night before. He could be so emotionless and stoic, I felt like every day I had to work to gain his love again. Like it wasn't sustained, but emptied out overnight and needed to constantly be proven and refilled. I also recognized that he was attached, but it always felt like he could leave at any time. A strange mix that i was never comfortable with. His appearance of indifference all the time threw off and put me on edge. Very exhausting.

19. They have evidence of self-injury.
Yes. Many scars. He explained them away, but I am not sure they were all accidental (though he was clumsy and often did hurt himself).

20. The s*x is amazing beyond belief.
Yesss. I knew he was well practiced but it felt like he was so in tune with me. I later saw it through a different eye and realized that it was really his way of dominating and controlling me.

21. They quickly cycle through varying emotions.
Yes. Could go from seemingly content to dysregulated in seconds and over nothing.

22. They have friends of the opposite s*x that make you uncomfortable.
Yes! He was "friends" with more slutty looking girls than I have ever seen. His friend list on Facebook looked like girls of Maxim. Even their profile pictures are seductive. My guess is he bedded these women or was trying to. Probably met them online. I always got the feeling that girls he was friends with were all bed partners. They acted too friendly, if you know what I mean.

23. They are always texting or chatting online.
Oooooh my god yes. Text, text, text, text. Never talking on the phone, but incessant texting. With me at first, then to fight with me later. If I would ever ask who he is texting so much, he would get defensive and lie about it.

24. They have distant, empty eyes.
Completely empty. I noticed this almost immediately. His eyes looked very sad, spaced out, or afraid. Never genuine happiness.

25. They have acute, unwarranted emotional reactions.
Overreactions. I never knew what was going to get him upset and the smallest thing would cause him to get all dysregulated. He couldn't shake anything off. It's like it ate at him.

Skye10

Yes! I recognize all of these traits too. Although, after doing some reading online, I think my ex may also have some traits or actually be a sociopath...I thought, "no, theres NO way" because the "label" is so taboo and scary. But as I did some more reading and talking with my therapist, she said these personality disorders are all considered Cluster B personality types.

Madison-you may also want to look into Narcissistic personality disorder. I would have to say my ex is all 3 clumped together. Add drugs to that and you've got one very dangerous and insane person. But their "charm" is what they are so good at...the reason I kept going back. SMH!

rose

Hi Madison, I am Rose and have been a member for several years on SR. My husband was the addict in my life, he now is my ex-husband, he lives several thousand miles away now and my life is no longer in that chaos stage where every waken moment was consumed by his addiction..so sitting here reading your post I can relate to every word you say as most everyone her can as well. With many well spent days working on my own recovery, reaching out for help to others ect I was able to slowly but surely make a turn around and start on a path to make a knew life for myself and our boys, a life that took me away from the maddness that being involved with an active addict can and will cause.

When I read your post I can sense that you are having some doubts whether he is using again even when you have such a strong instinct he is, from my experience with the same what I came to learn was, this attitude that they have, being so ready to jump all over you and turn it around as you are the one with the problem is just par for their behaviour, whether they are using or not. They don't have to be using for it to be relaspe, the behavour itself is considered a relaspe without even using, they are finding excuses to make it all right in there minds to use. Should he be really on the up and up and be in the mind set of recovery he would have more compassion and understanding of your doubts and fear instead of playing games and throughing blame upon you.

For me just sitting here and reading your post, you seem to be upset and worried that you have to again go through the acceptance of it all again. What I see when I read is someone who is already far into acceptance that they even realize. I see someone who is using her resources, coming here and sharing, reaching out to friends and family and not isolating themselves where their worries compound to out of control, making it a very scary black place to be..If I could I would give you a big huge, but you are going to have to give yourself a big pat on the back on that road of yours to recovery!

Rose