2BHappy

Hello to all~~

I am new here and this is my first posting. Currently, my husband is on day 27 in a 28 day program. The day he left for rehab, I was estatic!! Hell....I didn't care where he went as long as he was out of the house. He comes home tomorrow and I am scared to get my hopes up. Has anyone else every felt like this?

ASpouse

Yep, I have. I am new here also.

When my husband came home from Rehab, I was mad .....

I already had been to my therapist for 2 weeks before he came home but I was still angry.

I was angry that he was away, resting, going to meetings, having a fun time while I was home taking care of 2 kids, a new litter of puppies and the bills and everything else.

When he came home he walked in as if it was the most normal thing to do. No apology, no kiss, no nothing! Yep, I was mad. I told him I was mad also. I told him I didn't love him, I told him he was a loser, I told him everything I wanted to tell him when he was drunk but didn't. I waited until he was sober and told him. He very calmly looked at me and said "I understand the way you feel, you're right" and called to find a meeting for that evening.

It took me about 3 weeks before I settled down and was no longer enraged. There were lots of meetings and sessions with the therapist.

I went to Al-Anon meetings, went to my therapist and concentrated on me and got stronger and stronger everyday. I don't know how that happened, but it did.

2BHappy

It's good to know that I am not alone on this then. Like you....I'm mad. He is gone concentrating on himself and I am left at home with a 7 year old, the house, the bills, the dog, etc etc etc..... Oh yeah, not to mention getting ready for the holidays. I read alot of Al-Anon literature but have not been to a meeting yet. It scares me when I read how much time is seems to take to be able to start concentrating on yourself again and not your alcoholic.

ASpouse

For me, I just felt I had nothing but time. I allowed myself to get sucked into his problem. To my mind I kept thinking about all the time I had already wasted.

There are no time "boundaries" in Alanon, you work the program to the best of your ability and in your own time frame.

I got tired of being mad, I got tired of caring about his needs and not caring about my own.

As a matter of fact the day I called the Therapist for an appt she asked me what I wanted to come to her for and without even thinking I said "My husband is an alcoholic and I want to get me back, I'm lost". My appt was the following day

It was at that point that I stopped focusing on being angry at him and put all of that power into getting better myself. I don't think I will ever regret that decision.

2BHappy

I hope I can follow in your steps. After 20 years of marriage, I feel as though my total focus has been on him and his drinking. I want to be happy again. I want to find myself.

ASpouse

I've known my husband since 1979, married him, divorced him, married him again in 1990 and had 3 children.

You will take your own steps in your own time. For me, I had to get mad, enraged actually to do something for ME because deep down inside of me, I really do like me and I think I am a nice person with a kind heart and have a good job that I am good at, and I got tired and mad that he was stomping on me and my heart over and over and over again ...... but what really enraged me was the fact that I was letting him and didn't know how to stop it! I was sucked in to his disease so deeply I forgot how to help myself.

Did I say I had to get "mad"?

smoke gets in my eyes

Hello Ladies and welcome 2B!

There's nothing wrong with you just because you're realistic enough to figure things are not going to be instantly hunky dorey. Even if your husband is a rehab superstar who takes to his program with enthusiasm, there's still the matter of fitting you and him together again. For awhile, he's still going to be working on him. I would encourage you with all my heart to find yourself an alanon group, some books about codependency and some time to visit here and share. In other words, while he's working on him, start living for and learning about yourself.

I heard a lot of echos of the things I was feeling in ASpouses posts. I was ready for Dino to be all better and start pulling his weight... dammit. Things didn't go that fast here. I have the distinct advantage of not being married to him, but it was still frustrating. The support and wisdom I found here on these boards helped siphon the goofy-goo off my brain. It may seem like his recovery is all about him. At this point, it is. It has to be. So we just have to find things that are all about us to indulge in. It's fun once you get used to it.

hugs,
Smoke

I AM

Yea, I felt like that. I had my hopes up. Hell, I still get mad at myself for doing it. Like ASpouse said, no apoligies, no hugs, no emotion, nothing. Mine thinks it's suppose to get back to normal, but mine can't get it in her head the rippling effect (rehab bills, car wreck, stuff from Home Shopping Net. that she don't remember buying, etc.) it's had on our lives (my life). Her drinking got us into financial trouble to where we had to sell the new house that I built for us. We (I) built a another house and was doing ok, but the drinking and spending got us in more of a financial bind than we were before. Now, I have to figure out how to get out of this one. I too, was afraid to get my hopes up. And now know why. I'm trying to find an Al-Anon in my area and understand what's going on here, but that's another thing that's makes me mad, why in the hell do I have to rearrange my life for something she has created? Whew!! Sorry, am I making sense? had to get that out. Supposed to giving you some encouragement here, didn't mean to vent. Just take care of yourself first and listen to some of the more experienced members in here. They've got the real words of wisdom.

ASpouse

Please don't misunderstand, I was not angry at any one particular thing or person.

I was angry at the situation the whole package. I was angry I had to make changes, I was angry that this was thrust upon me when I thought I wasn't ready.

But as smoke says ...... It is quite fun and feels just great MOST TIMES!

I also understood and still do that my husbands recovery takes 300% of his focus and I am willing to give him that. WE as a couple cannot get healthy until we are both healthy individuals.

We are getting there and every week we make strides in that area and I am pleased with that.

I also train dogs as a hobby and I know that to teach a dog a new behavior it takes baby steps sometimes, but little baby steps are better than no steps at all! I watch sometimes how scared puppies are to learn but I see them muster an inner strength to do what I ask. My husband and I also must use our strength to get well and become a healthy again. I am patient, he is patient and really we have all the time we need, God willingly gave us this time, all we had to do was ask.

ASpouse

IAM, the one thing you say "why in hell do I have to rearrange my life something she has created?" is interesting.

I always thought that we ( my husband and I ) created the situation we were in "together". By my being the co-dependent/enabler and him being the "alcoholic" recognizing how easy I made it for him.

I had to stop and get off the hamster wheel and the only way I could do that was by taking care of me and concentrating on me. Everything else is falling into place and if someone would have asked me if I thought that could happen back in May/June I would have said "No frigging way". It is possible. Find an Al Anon group, find a therapist, but take that first step and deal with your anger, it's important that you do.

2BHappy

Good morning to all of you and thank you so much for talking with me through this. Today is the day I pick up my husband. To "I AM".... we share alot of the same feelings. To 'ASpouse'...your words of wisdom are great to read. And to 'Smoke'....I truly hope that one day I can follow your advise and induldge in things for myself and my son. Alot of travel time is scheduled with the holidays coming up this weekend but I wanted to elt you all know that I have located an Alanon group not to far from my house and when I return home I plan on attending a meeting. I'm sure I will not know anyone there and I don't even know if anyone will speak to me, but I figure it can't hurt to give it a try. Thanks again to everyone. IAM....hopefully, together, with the help of the others, we can work through our anger like ASpouse seems to be doing and learn to be happy for ourselves once again.

ASpouse

Happy Holidays to you 2BHappy and everyone else.

I don't feel so wise, but I do feel strong most days ....... AlAnon will be great and everyone will speak to you. My first meetings I had nothing to say, just sat and cried basically. No one judged, no one thought I had to do something, I just cried and that was OK with them.

I have no guarantees that life will always feel as it does today and perhaps I still have issues with trust, but the stronger I get the better life is. My goal is to always love myself and I will be able to deal with anything. I don't need anyone to validate for me how lovely I really am, I believe it and I am most important to me!

Judy

2BHappy

ASpouse.....I already think you are a lovely person. It's great just to be able to talk to people whom are willing to listen and in return be honest with you and not just tell you what you 'want' to hear.

Daffodil

2BHappy, aspouse, and Iam,

It's O.K. for me to feel the feelings....there are mine and after years of shutting down, for me they all came to a head all at once.

Here's a one liner from ole Aunt Daffy that helps me keep issues where they belong:

It doesn't matter How the ball of yarn got tangled,
I am the one who wants things straingthen up, I must do what is nessary to untangle it.....

Just a thought for today...

Love Aunt Daffy

12stepmarce

Go to real life Al-Anon meetings. That will help.

Posting is often helpful.....but it's representative of real life experiences.

Your counselor was suggestion.....real meetings with real people.