Plath

I was excited to find a therapist who, while looking at her page and credentials, seemed to meet all of my needs. She has been doing psychotherapy for 20 years, has experience with EMDR therapy and hypnotherapy, and a holistic approach in addition to traditional psychotherapy techniques.

However, I have noticed that she is *very* slow to respond to my calls or emails for appointments, and when I met with her for the first time last night, she struck me as having somewhat of a "poker face". I couldn't get a read on her at all, and it didn't feel very "warm". It felt very clinical, which feels unnerving to me.
We only talked about my basic history and small bits of what I'm currently working on, and there was really no feedback offered. I thought that was odd, but maybe she's just very cautious...?

I'm in kind of a panicky space right now, and have been feeling really irritable lately, so it's not the best time to be waiting on a therapist to leisurely get around to scheduling appointments with me. I feel like I need that reassurance that there will be another appointment coming soon.

When we met last night, I delved into some deeply disturbing trauma in my life, and I'm feeling the panic of talking to someone about it. I tried to call and email the new therapist for another appointment sooner rather than later (we had scheduled our next appointment for two weeks after the initial intake), and I haven't received an email or call from her yet. I called her first thing this morning, then emailed, and it's now the end of the work day with still no word.

Maybe I've just had very prompt therapists in the past who showed their empathy more readily, but I'm feeling a bit let down after this first appointment and the slow responses.

Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing with a new therapist, either with positive or negative results? I'm wondering if I should be rethinking my choice, as I don't want to feel like I'm just a number to someone, but she is a preferred provider with my insurance company, and carries all of the credentials. She just seems to really have quite a wall built up around herself, so I'm not sure whether I should keep going and see if it gets better, or just start looking for someone else...

Things are a bit rough in my home lately; my son has been sick, my husband is overworked and dealing with his feelings about his sister in-law, who he has a lot of animosity for--and, as his brother is now separated from her, all of the feelings that he's repressed about her in order to "keep the peace" are surfacing and I'm getting hit with it.
So, for the moment, the person who is usually my main source of support is acting out on his own triggers and creating a lot of hostility in our home (I'm sure I'm not perfect in this situation, but it's becoming very difficult to deal with).

Anyway, advice or experience with choosing therapists would be very welcome.

JustAYak

I found that when looking for therapists, I need to trust my first instinct. If I didn't like them the first time, I didn't end up liking them the second time either or the third time. I met with two before I found the one I liked and wish I still had (money issues). The other two...well they sucked to put it lightly. I guess I just think that if they don't respond to me in a helpful manner the first time I meet with them, that is usually a good judge of what's to come. I found that the ones that talked down to me, repeated everything I just said, or simply sat there when I was out of words were people I did not like nor trust, nor did I feel like I was being listened to. There was just something "off" about them being a therapist. In my experience, I suggest you go with your initial instinct and ditch them, but I guess it doesn't hurt to try it again, just to make sure...

Plath

Thanks, Jason. I think that's pretty sound advice. I actually had a therapist once, through a specific organization, who insisted that I fill out a statement of why I wanted to ditch her as my therapist before she would refer me to another therapist within that organization. WTH?! Needless to say, I didn't fill out any such statement, and went without therapy. Nice, eh?

Well, my new therapist finally got back to me at around 6 pm, and I've set up another appointment with her tomorrow, so I'm still a little bit hopeful. She does seem to have a sense of humor, but I think she seems very cautious about expressing any type of emotion so far...hopefully we will develop a healthy, healing relationship, but if it feels overly clinical again tomorrow, I think I will consider looking around.

I should probably tell her up front that I would like to walk away from each session with some sort of solution to live in until the next session, just to keep the positive energy flowing, as her only suggestion to me before I left was to consider having my thyroid checked.

Thanks for your input!

tromboneliness

Back around 20-odd years ago, I went to a therapist who was very non-directive (I think that's the term). Every once in awhile, he'd make an observation, but for the most part, he'd just let me talk -- and when I went silent for more than a few seconds, would ask, "Where'd you go?" That was NOT what I needed, at that point. That was like asking, "Think fast -- what's your deepest, most humiliating thought/feeling?" (At the time, I'd never had so much as a date, let alone a relationship, let alone... um, the stuff a relationship entails... so pretty much, my thoughts would always drift back to why I was too shy to proposition a girl. OK, a few years later, I found one who was willing to meet me halfway -- no, make that more than halfway... and she turned out to be an alcoholic, etc.... but I digress.)

Anyhow, so this therapist was actually a pretty bright guy and even had a good sense of humor, etc. But his approach really seemed to involve keeping the client at arm's length and keeping anything personal (of his) out of it. One day, I sat down and asked him, "Which one of those cars is yours? I kinda have you pegged as the Vanagon type of guy, not the Bimmer type -- but I could have it backwards. Am I on the right track?" He asked, "Why do you want to know that?" I said, "Oh, it's not important -- I'm just curious." He wouldn't tell me which car was his, so OK, I just moved on with the session.

The next week, I asked him the same thing -- again, he would not tell me whether he drove a Vanagon or a Bimmer. Clearly I wasn't getting anywhere on that line of inquiry, so I let it drop.

But that was typical of how he worked. I felt like a research subject, not a client who was paying him $90/hour to get help! So shortly after the what-car episode, I fired him -- taking the wimpy way out, just writing him a short letter saying that I felt we had gone as far as we could and I didn't think it was useful to continue. I decided, "Hey, I'm the one writing the checks here -- this guy works for me, not the other way around!"

I needed someone who was clearly on my side -- who would frame questions more along the lines of, "It sounds as though you're feeling such-and-such a way -- and by the way, if you are, that's perfectly OK, nothing wrong, doesn't make you a bad person or screwed up." I needed someone holding a safety net under me; not making me walk over Niagara Falls with no net....

T

Willybluedog

In that book I recommended to you Recovery they say ACOAs must have a therapist who is:

"Active, Engaged, A Friend, and a S.O.B."

ACOA's need to be challenged, but the therapist must be smart enough to know when to be gentle, always pushing, but never too hard!

I would be very direct with this person, tell her what you need and what you expect, ask her "Can you be the person I have described?" "If not can you recommend someone like who I am descibing."

You have to fight for your own recovery, I know from previous conversations that you are reluctant to hurt peoples feelings. but, this is your money, you deserve to get what you want for your hard earned $, don't settlefor less than what you want.

JustAYak

Wow. That's so true it's scary! The only thing I would add would be "Compassionate."

Let us know how it goes Plath!

Plath

Thanks, everyone.


I have another appointment this evening, and I have actually faced and started to process some feelings that I had never allowed myself to acknowledge, based on one comment she made to me during our first session...

So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this woman will be all of those things you described, Bill. I'm giving it another chance because it really is hard to find a preferred provider with the qualifications and approaches that she has. She seems like a good enough person, maybe it's just the initial intake session that seems kind of clinical...

Horribly, one of my worst fears has manifested, in that I have worked for years in mental health facilities, and have always been afraid of going to see a therapist, only to realize that we've worked together in some way. Sure enough, she worked for an organization that I had to deal with for my clients at one of my last places of employment. I didn't recognize her name, so I'm secretly hoping our paths never crossed and she doesn't remember any conversations with me (I could be pretty hard on the staff at some of these organizations, even if it was only in the interest of our residents/clients)...*sigh*

Well, here's hoping that this session will bring us a little closer on a therapist/client level, and that I will feel more warmth with this session, and receive a bit more feedback.

Really, if she just does the EMDR therapy with me, I would probably be pretty content...

Plath

Ah, this session was so much more lovely!

I actually went to her home, and we had a very good session. Her holistic approach is definitely something that I need incorporated into my therapy, and I'm now beginning to feel very grateful and fortunate that I found her and went for the second appointment.

I asked about the EMDR therapy, and she said that she doesn't usually use that technique, but will do so regarding certain traumatic events; so, I think that if I make it clear that I really want that type of therapy she will accommodate my needs.

It was much warmer, much more comfortable and personable with the session this evening, and she has some good, loving advice about exploring whether or not I can feel compassion for myself regarding behaviors that I act out on that cause me to feel hateful or disgusted with myself.

It was a really good experience, so I'm glad I went. Hopefully it will continue to be productive and healing, because I left feeling much better. She gave me a hug as I was leaving, and that was a really good feeling.

Thanks all for the input and feedback, much love to all of you.
Fingers still crossed that this will continue on as a good experience and help me to heal along my journey.

JustAYak

That's great Plath! I'm happy for you

micealc

I have been to several Teripists/Councillers....None of them seem to be
too familure with ACOA Stuff.....I can tell.

I have attended ACOA Meetings for 2 years now...as well as Particapated with ACA groups on Line .I know all i need to know...what I need to do now Is believe Im OK.

I think learning How to Love Myself instead Of Complaining to myself is
the way to go.
No one can do this for me...I have got to do it for myself.

I have beenn waiting for that Ahhhh Moment for years....so I can be free of Constant Anxiety.....It wont come....Because I too busy waiting for it to come.

So back to loving Me....I can only love me If I truely Believe God Loves me.
Why would he love me.....Im a sinner.

Thats it.....He loves me Because I am a Sinner.

But I have got to make that first....Important Step....Trust Him,
and be willing to live the way he would want me to live.

Can I try that....All I need is willingness...he will do the rest ....Im Told.

PaperDolls

Great to hear your second visit was better. At first I was going to say "go with your gut" and then after reading your second post I thought "may be she was just having a bad day". We never really know what someone else is going through.

GingerM

Good for you. I usually give therapists at least 4 sessions before making any decisions, sometimes longer if I'm riding the fence. It's my experience that the first 2 sessions are usually all kind of businessy and them trying to get a bead on what they have to work with in you and what kind of approach would suit.

I'm glad you stuck with it. One of my favorite therapists took 4 sessions just to get an evaluation on me - he was very thorough up front, and I was chomping the bit to get started. But it worked out for the best that he took his time, as things progressed, he had a much much better idea of what things would be helpful to me. I still use a LOT of the tools he gave me.