JustAYak

Do you know what you feel but have trouble expressing it? This is something I find very annoying...especially right now. Living and growing up in a place where "feeling" and expressing those feelings is bad, I just clamp down on everything now. EVERYTHING. Happiness, anger, sadness, everything. I know what I'm feeling inside and I can say it to people, I can perfectly articulate it in words but it's really just me calmly saying "I'm pissed off," or "I'm frustrated," or whatever else and I swear, if I didn't say exactly what I'm feeling, nobody would know. And it's annoying. I want people to believe me when I say I'm angry about something but when I just passively sit there and say it, it does not carry the same weight as someone gritting their teeth with rage in their eyes saying "I'm angry!" I want someone to be able to know the weight of whatever feeling it is, because unless they know, I feel like all that weight is still on me and that I have really shared nothing... but I can't communicate my feelings in a nonverbal fashion. I have no idea how to show them.

I'm frustrated that I cannot accurately express my feelings of frustration! How's that for complicated?

Kialua

I haven't caught how old you are and where you are living. If you are still at home, that is one thing. You have to navigate as best as you can. I remember it well. As you age you will be able to explore your feelings and re direct them into a positive outcome. Start getting some self help books now and learn about your feelings and how to express them correctly. Have you worked any of the steps yet, do you attend al anon or ACA? Just a few ideas, take 'em or leave 'em. Good luck.

justjo

Hi Speedy

Feeling angry and thinking no one understands isnt nice but expecting others to take that load and feel what you are feeling seems unrealistic.

I remember my son yelling & screaming at me in anger. Its a scary thing and sometimes I did not know how to handle it, sometimes I asked him to leave, other times when he was calmer I tried to talk to him and listen. I did. I think back then he didnt think I had a clue. I did. I just didnt know how to help him.
I guess, ask yourself how you react to others doing this to you. Does it work, how do you respond?
Can you sit down for a moment and see if you can understand why you are angry, what you can possibly do about that, in small steps. I figure if Im angry, its for a damn good reason, true, thats fine but I have to put things into perspective and ask myself, can I change anything and if not leave it alone.
I hope you find peace with this Speedy. JJ

frances2011

I read Jason's share as that he's not yelling at anybody. I hear that he's having complicated feelings about *not* expressing anger outwardly. Sorry if I'm missing something.

Jason--I resonate with your share. My experience is that angry or "big" emotions are/were complicated for me because it was risky in my childhood home. Emotions are scary/not allowed in my Family Of Origin. Also, in my family I was told that my feelings weren't true/right and that what I was seeing wasn't really happening. Typical alcoholic home stuff. So that's why I get confused about what I'm feeling and how to express myself so people understand me.

I am learning how to be "clean" with my big feelings. To feel what I'm feeling at the moment, not tinged or triggered by childhood feelings.

My dad in law can be angry but it's also so clean. It's about the here-and-now, it's appropriate, it's respectful even if his voice is raised, it's perfectly clear where he's coming from, and then resolution is reached quickly. He is so awesome. He is safe.

I am learning how to know what I'm feeling and then act in ways that are kind to myself and kind to others. Or not. Or act later. Whatever is right FOR ME.

I had a work thing this year where the other person acted really badly. I got angry and was able to tell her right away, exactly how I felt, what it meant to me, and what I wish she had done instead. She really heard me and apologized for her action. That was a stand-out moment for me.

I am so proud and grateful for the ACOA threads. Thank you all for sharing and listening and supporting all of us.

JustAYak

Okay you're all kind of missing my point except for frances.

I don't need anger management and I don't need to learn how to control my anger or whatever. It's the complete opposite. I'm not actually able to show my feelings, I can say them and mean it, but nobody seems to take me seriously because I can say "I'm frustrated" but all they see is this calm, blank exterior of mine and go, "You don't seem like it." So I guess in essence, this thread is about hiding your feelings and relearning how to express them (in an appropriate manner of course).

Kialua - I'm 20. My dad is dead from his addiction and my "mom" hates me just as much as I hate her so I don't talk to her and do not live with her. I have been to a few ACA meetings but haven't felt comfortable in them...not yet anyways. I have the big red book but haven't gotten too far in really, and I don't know, some resonates with me and some of it doesn't.

I have worked with a therapist over this but didn't have a chance to really get very far before money problems set in and I couldn't continue to go. It's still a problem for me...

frances2011

I hear you Jason. In the 10 ACOA characteristics, I "Guess At What Normal Is".

I know you have a HUGE SR family in other parts of the boards and the ACOA section can be a home for you too.

I have learned and adopted new thoughts and actions based on other peoples' shares who "have what I want." The Codependency thread has some awesome long-timers who model lots of the sane adult behaviors I want.

Kialua

It would seem to me that you learned this behavior of stuffing your outward emotions as a child. This is one way to navigate the crazy life we lived. Some stuff it some don't. I did both at times. My sister stuffed it totally and it was much harder for her while we were children. We were taught that our feelings didn't matter as children and we believed that. So we do guess at what normal behavior is and are never sure if we are expressing ourselves correctly. Like Frances said, "Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is."

You are still young and this is very fresh for you now. You are now learning to navigate your world and at this time is important for others to believe you therefore validating your views. And rightly so, our parents should have filled this void for us but didn't. But this part of growing up. When we finally get past having to get our validation from others we can be free. This site is very helpful for that because others have gone through the same things we have and can validate. People out at work, in the world, or relatives don't necessarily understand that and don't always care.

But in reality it doesn't matter much how others view your emotions, only you. If you don't explode but feel like it inside that is fine. I can't say I would encourage you to become negatively expressive. I think what is important is that what you feel is important to you and as long as you know why you are angry that is enough.

I hope that makes sense, I do understand your dilemma. I hope you can figure it all out, keep us posted. We care.

PaperDolls

Old habits die hard Jason.....give it some time.

In my case, I was able to only show anger. In fact, I was really unable to figure out what I was really feeling. You hurt my feelings, I'll show you anger. You made me sad, I'll show you anger. I remember going to therapy and being asked how something made me feel and I freaked out because I had no idea. I couldn't figure it out. I was in my mid-20's now.

I can't tell you exactly what helped me be able to identify my emotions AND show them better but I suppose it was a combination of therapy and AA in my case.

Willybluedog

Jason,

I think I understand, you can say your angry but if you don't show anger then people don't take you seriously.

When I was a kid I was not allowed to be anything you better never talk back, or yell or god forbid cry, that was the fastest way to a beating.

When I was 16 I told my dad that he was done beating me, I told him "if you hit me again I will beat you to death in your sleep." He never touched me again.

In my later teen years I discovered alcohol and man did that awaken the dragon! I became a ranter and raver, I threw stuff, I punched holes in walls and doors, etc. people always knew when I was angry.

I suggest you try journaling and paint your picture with words, use color, pour that anger out onto paper.

Some people will never understand that calm anger. I used to tell people that I was fine as long as I was hollering, it was when I shut down and went quiet that things were going to get real bad for someone.

I hope you can find an outlet, and people that don't take you seriously, why, why are they questioning you, why does your apprearance and inflection matter, whay are they not listening to your words.

I have found this effective with my children and with my employees, when someone is not getting your message, look them straight in the eyes and say to them very calmly:

"Listen to my words"

I hope this helps.

Take care,

Bill

JustAYak

Thanks guys. Helps a bunch just to know that someone gets it...

Kialua - I think you're right, it has a lot to do with validation and having somebody actually acknowledge my feelings for once after all the years of having to "stuff." It just makes me sad that I can't get anyone to understand around me when I wish so badly that somebody could, but I guess that's not fair...I can't expect them to get it.

InsertNameHere

I don't know about anger specificaly, but I know one of my problems was being able to express my exact feeling into words especially around your age. I am 29 now and I had to purposfully put effort into expanding my vocabulary so that I could tell people exactly what I wanted without going into extreams. Anger for me has always been an issue and I usually don't express it in front of other people, I wait till I am alone and then go ape $h1+. I definetly know what you mean by the calm exterior though, there are times when whomever I am talking to has no idea that right behind my eyes I am freaking out, because all they see is a straight face blank. I am good at that. Well as a few said things do get better with time, and you will learn how to get your point across and have it be understood. In my case it was learning what words to choose in yours is could be different but who knows.

Hope that helps

frances2011

Jason--It makes perfect sense to me that you feel sad because no one around you in RL acknowledges or understands your true feelings.

My experience is my dad & step-mom and siblings are in various places on their own journey. I do not trust them with my feelings, heart or fears. I love them in my own way, but I share only a certain amount with them.

I do this because being lovingly detached gives me the space to work on myself and my own problems.

I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. I can only work on me.

I don't try to connect to my family on a deep level anymore. I tried and tried and it only traumatized me more. I wish it were different, but for today, it's not. It's not fair, but it's what's true.

My experience is that the ACOAs here GET IT. As in, understanding why I am NC with my older sister without making me "prove my case" and comparing to their own childhoods and telling me to "Just get over it. Be the bigger person. Everyone fights with their siblings. It couldn't have been that bad."

People here get the consequences and trauma of years of abuse and the courage it's taking me to re-build my self-esteem and self-trust and adult-skills One Day at a Time.

My experience is that I have found new people to be my Family of Choice. I have people in Real Life who love me exactly as I am, understand my journey, and support me with love. (And here on SR too!)

I wish this for you and for everyone who doesn't have a supportive Family of Origin, for whatever reason.

dbh

Hello Everyone,

I too have a difficult time with my emotions. Like others, in my house we were not "allowed" to express negative emotions. When I was sad or angry I was sent to my room and told to come out when I had a smile on my face.

I ended up being a person who was externally cheerful all the time and who kept mostly everything else in. It lead me to be depressed, to comfort myself with food, and to "blow up" for no apparent reason at the oddest times.

For me, I had to get to a place where I felt like it was safe to actually feel and express my emotions. I still have so much work to do in this area.

Sometimes I celebrate even the smallest victories, like telling a waitress that my food doesn't taste right.

Years ago I remember having the most therapeutic cry over the sadness that I felt about not truly having a father. I started crying after watching "The Bucket List" and it seemed to help other emotions come to the surface. It was almost like priming a pump.

Thanks for bringing up the topic.

Fondly,

db

chicory

(((Jay)))
For me, I find that if I try to share with people, I am holding back, due to not being able to be really close. I hold back most of what I am feeling inside, not knowing how to share. Then they really did not get what was inside of me. The whole picture did not come out, so they are not really tuned in, cause they did not get enough emotional input from me.
That frustrates me too, because I don't feel comfortable enough to share the deepest parts of myself. I guess I feel safer holding back, and hope they "guess" without my being close-not able to trust enough to "really" share my feelings.

It is hard to get the real emotion out when you are afraid of being rejected, or of being laughed at, or not taken as important.

hugs
Maybe that happens with you too?

bluebelle

I completely get it. I have trouble expressing any motions, including anger. I think people read me wrong a lot of the time. They will tell me that I look one way, when I don't feel that way at all. Both of my addict/alcoholic parents have terrible problems with anger--they show it in bad ways. I think I just learned that anger is bad--and so are other emotions.

The fact that you can state your emotion is a good thing. I think many people are unable to do that. I have a hard time feeling anger--not just expressing it. I can see where it would be frustrating to feel things, but not able to show it.

flutter

Jason, I get it. (long time no talk by the way, hope you're doing alright!).

Every time I think I'm 'normal' (ha!) something reminds me that the way I grew up really affected me to the core. Expressing my emotions accurately and openly is very difficult for me. When something should be super crazy exciting, I'm guarded and almost unemotional. When something is terribly scary or sad, I shut down and it NEVER comes out, not openly anyways. When I get angry, I bottle it up (poor use of words, but describes how I feel). It takes a lot to put a genuine smile on my face (they come much more often since having my little boy 2 years ago), and it also takes a lot to really freak me out.

I don't know how to fix that.. I don't know if I can, will or even want to. I just wanted to tell you that I understand

JustAYak

That's exactly what happens with me Chicory, you put it well.

I think the only reason I'm able to even do therapy today is because after my dad died, a teacher I had in high school invited me to talk with him so he could tell me some of the stuff he went through that he thought related to me...he was guessing at what I was feeling because I was holding back but they way he just sorta invited me to talk took all the focus and pressure off me to talk and just sorta coaxed me out when he would say something that I really related to. I could comment on it and without even knowing it, somehow I was suddenly talking about me and all the issues with my family. It helped me to realize how much crap I had hidden and stored away and that it really is okay to let some of it out now and then... I still have problems really "expressing" my feelings though, in the true sense of the word.

DesertEyes

Great thread, thanks everybody Here's my .02

When I first got into recovery I went thru all the same stuff. Bottled in emotions, difficulty showing the emotion I felt, unable to identify _what_ I was feeling, etc.

One of my sponsor explained that emotions are just internal chemicals sloshing around like soup in a kettle. They are neither "good" nor "bad". Expressing emotions is a behavior, and like all other behaviors it is something that I _learned_. Due to my "toxic childhood" I simply learned it wrong.

What I learned wrong was not the emotion, or the behavior. What I learned wrong was _when_ to express it. All I needed to do was work on my timing, nothing else.

One of my learned behaviors is to become instantly hyper-vigilant when somebody is angry. That behavoir likely saved my life many times when my alcoholic family erupted in violence. In that family responding to an emotion with another emotion was extremely dangerous, so I learned _not_ to feel emotions when everybody else was.

Today I work in the insurance biz as a photographer. I get sent out to factories, industrial yards, chemical plants, when something went wrong and everybody is angry and running around like crazy. I am a little short guy, and up in years. Most of these "roustabouts" are younger and _much_ bigger than me.

I find the guy in charge, introduce myself, and usually he is screaming and cussing and yelling and threatening and ready to commit serious violence. I turn on my "ACA skills" and feel perfectly comfortable and at home with this guy. He's just like my Dad, except this guy has a valid reason to be angry.

I let the guy mouth off, I feel no emotion so I don't get defensive or try to out-macho him. After awhile he settles down. I listen, let him vent some more, explain what happened. I stay cool. Eventually we get down to business. I fill out some forms, ask his permission to go take some pics. Most of the time we end up talking about the game, or politics, or hotrods.

Some of these guys have called my boss and _thanked_ him cuz they had never met an insurance agent that treated them with such cool respect. A couple times they tried to hire me !!!

Those "survival skills" I learned as a child saved me from a violent family. When I became an adult I did not know how to _adjust_ them to the real world. A couple good therapists and lots of 12 step work showed me how to _use_ those skills in way that were useful. Today I can express my emotions when and how _I_ choose to, they are no longer slaves to my childhood. Once in a while I still get an old "reflex" that catches me off guard, but not too often.

The secret I discovered in my recovery is that there was nothing _wrong_ with me or my feelings or my behaviors. They were all perfectly common for the environment I was raised in. All I had to do was stop trying to shove them away and instead practice at letting them out at the time and place of _my_ choosing.

Mike

DavidG

Hi Jason,

A good topic...

I am feeling stumped at the moment... I know there is something there
but i have no words or even thoughts for it.

Of course I want the answers yesterday, if not sooner!

I have come a long way- was a time when i said nothing...
over the years I became a chatterbox- but did not know
when to stop and how to make small talk...

...slowly getting there...

at the moment I am doing one f2f meeting and now three
online ones... it pays me to take time to listen- and try to stay
on-topic...

I know its something major there... I know once its out i will feel
a whole lot better.

one day at a time...

cheers, mate-

DavidG
New Zealand.

STaylor98

Hi Jason,
I totally understand. Im only 19, I just moved out 1 year ago. To this day Im still scared to tell my family how I feel. Everytime I've tried i was just so overwhelmed by all these different feelings. I was hurt and sad and mad, but it was so much more than those simple words could describe. I would try to show I felt through my actions and that didnt work either. I had to confide in a friend who was patient enough to sit with me and listen to me navigate through my feelings. To this day I feel like I could sit my parents down and talk forever about how I feel, but words just cant describe. Its good that you can write on here though because you need to get it out some way. You will get through living at home. Its a day by day struggle, but that chapter of your journey will close one day.