Don't know how to stop talking to him

Old 03-14-2012, 07:14 AM
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Don't know how to stop talking to him

hello.

So for the last three months, I have been going through hell. My ex-fiance who had been sober for several years, relapsed 4 months before our wedding. I tried to be supportive him, he went through 3 weeks of rehab, then drank the first week he came out of it. he would leave for a week at a time without answering my calls or contacting me. He broke up with me twice. Finally 1 month ago I had enough, I broke up with him and asked him to move out. He couldn't even come and get his stuff, so I had to pack it up and hire movers. (He said he was too afraid to face me, and seeing our apartment made him emotional).

His thinking became so screwed up. he kept calling me and asked him not to, he thought that when I said we were done, that meant we were done for now and would soon be getting back together. Every time I kept asking him to stop contacting me or to get help ( when I asked him to get help, he would respond with something like, "Are you kidding me, I loved you") he would for a little bit.

I finally stopped contacting him, but then he started to threaten suicide so I would contact him and once took him to the hospital. Then this week, he told me he was hospitalized with ventricular tachycardia from drinking two bottles of scotch a day. I am a doctor and I know this is a type of irregular heart beat that is one step away from death. I didn't contact him for two days because I thought I really need to stop doing it and reinforcing with him that we can keep talking. But, on the third day, I broke down and contacting him, telling him how serious it is and that he needs help.

I have gone for more than a week without contacting him, but when he tells me serious things like he is suicidal or has been so close to death. Please help, I know I need to just stop contacting him, but don't really know how to do it.

Thanks
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Old 03-14-2012, 08:06 AM
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Are you going to Al-anon or getting therapy? I highly recommend getting some help, it was a life saver for me.

In addition I just don't answer her calls, she can leave a voice mail or email me if it is important. I only listen to / read them because we are still married and have financial things that sometimes need to be taken care of. Once we are divorced, just started the process, I will block her phone and mark her email address as spam.

If I didn't answer the calls and just listened to the voice mails I gave myself some time to think about whether or not I really wanted to respond. I found it much easier to deal with when I wasn't directly involved in talking to her.

As for his health, well it's his health not yours. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Give him the dignity of living his own life however he chooses to.

I know this is a really hard thing to do but trust me, it gets so much better the more you remove yourself from direct contact.

Another way to stop dwelling on him is to focus on yourself and your future. I have been spending time the last couple of months thinking about what I would really like to be doing in the future, kind of a what do I want to be when I grow up. At 58 you'd think I had that answered already wouldn't ya?


Your friend,
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Old 03-14-2012, 08:37 AM
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He is using the threat of suicide to keep you in his life. If you are truly concerned about him attempting suicide, then whenever he calls making his threats, call the cops and give them his location. You may be a doctor but you are ill-equiped to deal with this situation. IF he is serious about suicide, then he'll receive psycho-social support and be under supervision. If he isn't then he'll think twice about calling you to make empty threats.

Just as you are not responsible for the way he CHOOSES to live his life, you are not responsible for whether or not he chooses to end his life. It all belongs to him, and if you let him manipulate you in this way, you'll get dragged down with him. Who's going to take care of you if you don't?
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Old 03-14-2012, 09:07 AM
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Even if he is suicidal--which most of us here likely doubt, as it is a familiar manipulation tactic which comes partly from the self-pity common in addicts and partly from the cunning tactic of addiction to control everyone and everything--even if he IS suicidal, as a doctor you probably know you would not be able to talk him out of his mental illness.

He has a brain disease: addiction. We cannot cure nor control any of its manifestations, including self-destruction.

We are also not addictionologists. (And even an addictionologist could only offer treatment to an addicted loved one. The addictionologist could not control the choices of any addict).

You can give him the number of AA and of the nearest rehab, if it makes you feel more at peace, and you can tell him he is a very valuable human being and worthy of help.

You need only do it one time. You will have done all you can for him.

Be at peace then. God controls his destiny.
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Old 03-14-2012, 09:28 AM
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((megan))

How heartbreaking for you ~ I hate so much that you have been thru this difficult time ~

For me, what helped me to NOT continue doing the same things over and over again - was to DO something different like the saying "if you want something different, do something different"

So I started attending Al-anon meetings, reading recovery literature, posting & reading here on SR, working with a sponsor, journaling and praying & meditating with my HP ~

It kept my focus off of the addicts in my life and put it back on me.

That's what helps me to stay Happy, Joyous and PINKFully FREE!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 03-14-2012, 07:12 PM
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Ah, don't I know this scenario well. My A ex-fiance sent a text this weekend stating his head was shaved and he was going for a nuclear scan next week, but I shouldn't worry, cause I got out in time.

We are both healthcare professionals, so he knew I would be alarmed. My solution? I called his son and his sister, and asked if they were aware that he was going for a test.

The answer? He's getting a brain scan for "dizzy spells".

Well, when you wash your Vicodin down with Scotch, you get pretty dizzy. Especially in the setting of chronic lung disease.

Thank the universe that you did NOT marry him. Then he'd be your permanent problem.

It is very, very hard not to respond when you know that he is hurting. If drinking was a deal breaker in your relationship (it was in mine), then let it break the deal. He broke it, not you. Now he must learn to live with the consequences. Something addicts have zero experience with.

I wish you well. You will get stronger with each unanswered message. Go to al-anon, go to therapy, see friends, pet dogs, listen to children laugh, watch "America's Funniest Videos", cry to your family. You will have the life you deserve.

Good luck
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