Need Advice on Relative...SOS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
Need Advice on Relative...SOS
I cant afford my own place, so I currently live in a relatives basement. Relative whos been a "functional" alcoholic all my life. When I drank we pretended neither had a problem, hid our drinking from each other and just went about both drinking on separate floors, nearly every night. This relative retired 1.5 years ago and has only cranked up the drinking since then. Its still only evenings, and they are functional during the day...but an all new low was reached tonight, and I dont know what to do.
btw - I got sober 1.5 months ago, and dont have a desire to drink. But Im very much a "baby" as a friend puts it, when it comes to recovery in general.
Ok, here goes. Relative has stumbled and fallen while drunk before. Maybe a half- dozen times that I actually had to physically help get them up, over last 5 years. They have type 2 diabetes & a condition (PMR: polymyalgia rhematica) where severe inflamation around hips and upper legs makes their legs weak. They originally were getting treatment from doctors for both, now seems to have quit taking the PMR anti-inflammatories and tells me they still take diabetes meds (Im not sure I believe as it seems they have thrown all health out window).
Anyways, stumbles and falling maybe 1 a month. Tonight was an all time low. I live in basement and heard stumble-crash...went up and relative was stumbling around, covered in excrement. it was all over the floor, a trail leading from kitchen through foyer and into bathroom. It was EVERYWHERE, and the smell was bad. I asked if they were ok, what happened etc. They didnt really have an answer, tried to laugh it off and said they would clean it all up. I went back into basement for couple hours, but after some more very loud stumble-crashes I went back upstairs. They were sitting on kitchen floor, unable to get up on their own, just COVERED in waste. Also hand was bleeding from bump/scrape so blood & excrement was everywhere. I helped them up, got them to get out of dirty/ruined clothes and told them to shower, now they are snoring away in their bed. But this is waaaay beyond the worst its ever been. And Im not sure what to do. I refuse to clean up the mess, and am gonna push for a professional to do it, because its even on the walls (assume relative was bumping into walls trying to clean). This person is 66 years old and has drank since before I was born. Huge problem is the secrecy...they wont admit a problem im sure, and Im waaay too new to whole recovery thing to try and speerhead something.
Any suggestions as to how move forward? Im moving out ASAP, but I obviously dont wanna just leave without making some attempt at I dont know what...I cant just ignore and let them drink themselves to death. Something that I assume will happen soon.
btw - I got sober 1.5 months ago, and dont have a desire to drink. But Im very much a "baby" as a friend puts it, when it comes to recovery in general.
Ok, here goes. Relative has stumbled and fallen while drunk before. Maybe a half- dozen times that I actually had to physically help get them up, over last 5 years. They have type 2 diabetes & a condition (PMR: polymyalgia rhematica) where severe inflamation around hips and upper legs makes their legs weak. They originally were getting treatment from doctors for both, now seems to have quit taking the PMR anti-inflammatories and tells me they still take diabetes meds (Im not sure I believe as it seems they have thrown all health out window).
Anyways, stumbles and falling maybe 1 a month. Tonight was an all time low. I live in basement and heard stumble-crash...went up and relative was stumbling around, covered in excrement. it was all over the floor, a trail leading from kitchen through foyer and into bathroom. It was EVERYWHERE, and the smell was bad. I asked if they were ok, what happened etc. They didnt really have an answer, tried to laugh it off and said they would clean it all up. I went back into basement for couple hours, but after some more very loud stumble-crashes I went back upstairs. They were sitting on kitchen floor, unable to get up on their own, just COVERED in waste. Also hand was bleeding from bump/scrape so blood & excrement was everywhere. I helped them up, got them to get out of dirty/ruined clothes and told them to shower, now they are snoring away in their bed. But this is waaaay beyond the worst its ever been. And Im not sure what to do. I refuse to clean up the mess, and am gonna push for a professional to do it, because its even on the walls (assume relative was bumping into walls trying to clean). This person is 66 years old and has drank since before I was born. Huge problem is the secrecy...they wont admit a problem im sure, and Im waaay too new to whole recovery thing to try and speerhead something.
Any suggestions as to how move forward? Im moving out ASAP, but I obviously dont wanna just leave without making some attempt at I dont know what...I cant just ignore and let them drink themselves to death. Something that I assume will happen soon.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
Good luck. This needs assessing to find the root cause , though your right it probably is the drink but diabetes has all sorts of implications.
In the UK they would be classed as vulnerable adult in the community and assessed as an emergency , have you such a system in place with you ?
John.
In the UK they would be classed as vulnerable adult in the community and assessed as an emergency , have you such a system in place with you ?
John.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
That's a tough one Shane...You have had your tests...I admire you for keeping your own sobriety throughout them..Keep that up. Maybe you can get a hold of this guy during a day when he's not drinking...Share with him where your drinking took you...Why you stopped...What you are doing about staying stopped....Maybe see if he'll go to a meeting with you...You can't make the guy stop....But you can show him it can be done..."baby" or not....You're not drinking right now...And you know a lot more about recovery than he does...Maybe give the guy a Big Book....Tell him you'll go over it with him...You can both learn...It's up to him what he wants to do...All you can do is offer your ES&H...Good luck Shane. If you learn anything...Remember that could be you..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by Spinach 
Good luck. This needs assessing to find the root cause , though your right it probably is the drink but diabetes has all sorts of implications.
In the UK they would be classed as vulnerable adult in the community and assessed as an emergency , have you such a system in place with you ?
John.
In the UK they would be classed as vulnerable adult in the community and assessed as an emergency , have you such a system in place with you ?
John.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by dawnrunner
That's awful. Well done for not letting that ghastly situation be an excuse for a relapse.
Are there any other family members who could be brought in? this shouldn't be all on you.
Are there any other family members who could be brought in? this shouldn't be all on you.
Sapling - Ive considered trying to disclose what Ive done in an attempt to show them there is an alternative. But Ive been reluctant because of living situation. Until I can afford my own place, I gotta be honest...Im scared to try and push them, because it may cause disturbance and be a reason to send me packing. That and while I am confident in my own sobriety & recovery, Ive gotten to where I am at partly because this relative is basically supporting me. Just a bad situation...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
We have the Baker Act here in Florida...Have quite a few recovered alcoholics in my home group that were Baker Acted...You could see if Virginia has anything like this..Here's what it is...
The Baker Act
The Baker Act
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
BTW - It appears relative passed out while drunk in front of tv, messed themselves, then rushed through kitchen towards bathroom and thats how it got everywhere. Then they attempted to clean, and only made it worse and further got covered in mess as on floor trying to clean...then couldnt get up on their own. This is just awful. I want to push Rewind and pretend this night never happened.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 732
Yikes! This is much worse than my problems with my wicked step mother. I think you need to talk to this relative, if it doesn't go well, you could just mention that you have quit drinking. You're right not to clean it up. Maybe facing the humiliating mess and hearing that you've quit will give him the push he needs.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Have you told them about going to meetings? That might be a start. Something is giving you some 12 step work, but I know it's not really a relative's place as it can get messy.
Maybe talk with your sponsor, maybe share in a meeting, maybe ask if some of your friends could have a meeting at your house. Ask relative if you can have friends over for some coffee and that you need a meeting. Maybe just have friends over and usually we laugh and talk recovery (you've been to coffee after a meeting). Maybe relative will relate to something that is said. What a wonderful opportunity!
There is a way to plant a seed of recovery.....
Maybe talk with your sponsor, maybe share in a meeting, maybe ask if some of your friends could have a meeting at your house. Ask relative if you can have friends over for some coffee and that you need a meeting. Maybe just have friends over and usually we laugh and talk recovery (you've been to coffee after a meeting). Maybe relative will relate to something that is said. What a wonderful opportunity!
There is a way to plant a seed of recovery.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
So after last night I got maybe 4 hours of bad sleep. My relative did a OK job of cleaning up, but I didnt see them till about 10 minutes before I had to leave for a meeting.
I asked, What Happened? Didnt get much of a response, but eventually found out it went down basically the exact way I thought. We talked about them going back to the doctor, and for first time in awhile they seemed open to the idea. I revealed what Ive been up to last 1.5 months (quit drinking, AA meetings), and how its working well for me. I think, now sober, my relative had a wake up call and scared themselves with what happened. I know I cant force them to do anything, and I know that by staying on my path that I can only show by example, possibly. Truth is at 66, with 45+ years of drinking and 1 ruined marriage under their belt, change will be hard for them. I can only hope. Tonight, at least, it appears they are not drinking...probably 1st time since retirement 1.5 years ago (besides the couple weeks when other relatives visit, they would go dry during that).
I also left my Big Book for them to checkout...not in a, "hey you need to read this" way, but as I was explaining my current AA activities I said how its basically the handbook for the program, and that they had me and all members read first 164 to start with.
I told my Sponsor the whole story, and he pushed me to share tonight at meeting. I had a total meltdown...like epic style...was only able to get out the jist of it, but it was probably good for me to experience the meltdown. Went to dinner afterwards with crew, who were real supportive. Still very raw right now...the no sleep thing puts me on countdown to meltdown as it is. Anyways, Im OK otherwise. Thanks for the replies. Have a good night, all.
I asked, What Happened? Didnt get much of a response, but eventually found out it went down basically the exact way I thought. We talked about them going back to the doctor, and for first time in awhile they seemed open to the idea. I revealed what Ive been up to last 1.5 months (quit drinking, AA meetings), and how its working well for me. I think, now sober, my relative had a wake up call and scared themselves with what happened. I know I cant force them to do anything, and I know that by staying on my path that I can only show by example, possibly. Truth is at 66, with 45+ years of drinking and 1 ruined marriage under their belt, change will be hard for them. I can only hope. Tonight, at least, it appears they are not drinking...probably 1st time since retirement 1.5 years ago (besides the couple weeks when other relatives visit, they would go dry during that).
I also left my Big Book for them to checkout...not in a, "hey you need to read this" way, but as I was explaining my current AA activities I said how its basically the handbook for the program, and that they had me and all members read first 164 to start with.
I told my Sponsor the whole story, and he pushed me to share tonight at meeting. I had a total meltdown...like epic style...was only able to get out the jist of it, but it was probably good for me to experience the meltdown. Went to dinner afterwards with crew, who were real supportive. Still very raw right now...the no sleep thing puts me on countdown to meltdown as it is. Anyways, Im OK otherwise. Thanks for the replies. Have a good night, all.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
At 66, they aren't the oldest to get sober, even after 45 years of drinking!
Getting honest at "home" is awesome! I hope sleep comes to you. I listen to speaker tapes on my phone to fall asleep to as I always had a hard time getting to sleep (this started in early sobriety, and it still helps--I'm still a baby, too!)
Hugs,
Getting honest at "home" is awesome! I hope sleep comes to you. I listen to speaker tapes on my phone to fall asleep to as I always had a hard time getting to sleep (this started in early sobriety, and it still helps--I'm still a baby, too!)
Hugs,
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
