justrae83

I am having a VERY VERY hard time not texting, emailing, calling or even wanting to "bump" into him at work I went from calling him at least 4 times a day, living with him, cuddling with him, loving him, seeing hime, telling him EVERYTHING... FOR 6 YEARS... to now, nothing.

Can anyone tell me how they cut out all contact or what helped them get through the pain of missing them. I am truly addicted to him and I cant shake it, i find myself coming up with reasons to talk to him or call him. He never responds to me except to say, leave me alone i ahve a new GF i love now (which he meet 1 week after me). Its been almost 2 months and the pain isnt going away any quicker....

m1k3

What are you doing for yourself? It's hard to move away from a bad place but it is easy to move to a good place. Are you going to Al-Anon or some other support group, have you made any new friends, are you going out at all, are you exercising, do you even have a good place in mind on where you want to be?

For me it started with going to Al-Anon. That helped me learn to focus on myself. I then started meditation, that really helped me quiet my mind and learn that emotions are just emotions, they are not facts. Since then I have started running again. I'm up to 3 to 4 slow miles a day, not bad for a 58 year old fat guy. I spend time with my grandkids and I got rid of cable. Enough of watching that drivel that makes your brain rot.

Figure out what you enjoy doing and then start doing it. I live about an hour from the beach so this spring and summer I'm going to do some boardwalk running, spend some time on the beach and eat pizza.

I'm not ready for relationships yet but I am truly learning to enjoy being with me.

Your friend,

nodaybut2day

Seems like it's time to surround yourself with loved ones, discover new activities, keep your life busy and focus on self-care. Yes, it will hurt for a while, but then, would we learn if things didn't hurt? I honestly don't know...

Try to remember that 2 months vs. 6 years is a very uneven equation. Give yourself TIME.

When I had to create new patterns for myself, I had my mother and good friends call me (or I called them) daily, to check in and share. I did mandatory journal writing (Morning pages), and I started getting back into my long lost most favorite activity: dance. I also redecorated, changed my look, and started praying. All baby steps, but they all contributed to inching towards well-being...

onajourney

Baby steps all the way and now 6 months have passed after a 14 year relationship and it so DOES get better.
i spent time with family and friends, made more time for DD, have read and read and read some more all with ups and downs. Learning to focus on us and not him is hard and still learning daily. he is still doing same thing and no change, only affirmed my view that i did not cause it, cant control it and def could not cure it. ( it was when l realised i could not change it i left).
still care for him and wish he would sort him out but for him not me anymore. i now need to keep protecting DD from effects of him and limit access.
i walk i cycle which give me thinking time, cook, and am making plans for us for future eg seeing show in 2 weeks thats future for now!.
look after you and talk as much as you need to.

justrae83

Thanks for some of this insight...I THINK ALOT OF YOU ARE RIGHT and wrong when you say, you dont miss him...you miss what you could of had. I do miss him, i miss him everytday. He was not the typical AH rage type of man, he was VERY SWEET and loving and caring...he just had a problem but his problem made my life worse. He lost his dream job, lost his car, got a DUI (2), Had seziurs from lack of prescription pills. But he was compationate, showed me how beautiful i was, cared for me, cooked for me...loved me unconditionally. Finally i started to resent him for his other actions and pushed him away...so he dumped me and fell in love with another women withen weeks. She gave him the love i couldnt anymore....so i am beating myself up!

"what if i would of done more"
"what if i just accepted it, lvoe conquires all right"
"what if i just was there for him when he needed me most insteed of pushing him away"
'WHY DIDNT I TRY HARDER"
"why do i feel this is all my fault?"

Marytherboo

Part of what helps me stay away from my AH is knowing that if I let him back into my life the last of the love and gratitude for the good times would be destroyed by his disease. At least now I have some wonderful memories and the knowledge that he helped me feel good about myself in ways no one else ever did. Then his disease started winning, and it was time to save myself from losing not only him, but my hopes for a happy, decent life.

Tuffgirl

Done more of what? Acquiescence?

Accepted what? Alcoholism? And no, love does not conquer all, nor does it tend to be unconditional.

There for him? Why? Is he not a grown man who can take care of himself? Why would he need you the most? Think about it - that kind of talk sounds like something out of a Nicholas Sparks movie, and that isn't real life.

Try harder for what? Just what exactly are you trying hard for? Alcoholics and addicts don't have intimate relationships, justrae. They are emotionally unavailable to anyone and everyone. The new GF will find that out in due time.

Why do you feel this is all your fault? I can't answer that question...but it is a great question to be asking yourself. Is it because he rebounded with someone else? Did you expect something different when you broke it off with him...maybe that he'd go off and change and come back sober and ready to be the man you were hoping to have?

What are you grieving over? It may help to write all of this out in a journal to help you identify your feelings. Is it true loss of this man? Fear of being 'alone'? Abandonment issues leftover from childhood traumas?

The thing is, justrae, the relationship is over. He doesn't want you to contact him anymore. By continuing to do so, you are being disrespectful to him. It doesn't matter what he is doing now or who he is doing it with or what you may thing you did wrong. It is simply time to dig deep, find your inner strength, and accept the situation as it stands today.

There were relationships in my life that ended badly and I wanted to just crawl into a hole and die. But you know what? I didn't. And you know what else? I am glad I didn't because I went onto bigger and better things in my life. Those were simply chapters...the rest of my book remains unwritten.

Peace,
~T

gerryP

Justrae I agree with everything Tuffgirl has posted above.

I have been reading your previous threads and I feel for you. I can see that you are struggling.

I have come to learn that whenever I have a strong emotional reaction to something I must investigate where it is coming from. I am not diminishing the fact that you were together 6 years and you had feelings for him, but your ex ending your relationship has triggered issues you likely have from your past and he has become a symptom of this. As Tuffgirl stated, abandonment? Maybe low self esteem? I think the best way to get through this is to focus on yourself and work through your issues in an attempt to discover what they are.

gerryP

Justrae I agree with everything Tuffgirl has posted above.

I have been reading your previous threads and I feel for you. I can see that you are struggling.

I have come to learn that whenever I have a strong emotional reaction to something I must investigate where it is coming from. I am not diminishing the fact that you were together 6 years and you had feelings for him, but your ex ending your relationship has triggered issues you likely have from your past and he has become a symptom of this. As Tuffgirl stated, abandonment? Maybe low self esteem? I think the best way to get through this is to focus on yourself and work through your issues in an attempt to discover what they are.

Jennifer124

Oh justrae, I feel your pain. I am still living with my ABF, whom I have been with for 6 yrs, texting, cuddling, snuggling, my best friend (when he is home). He is a happy drunk, but oh so annoying. But he is not around anymore, and everything I have tried, does not work. Let him go, if he sobers up and comes back, then it was meant to be. But his alcohol and drugs will always be first, you are just there for human support (we all need it). I hope that isn't too harsh. I feel the same way about thinking I am pushing my ABF into the arms of another. He seems infatuated with the hot bartenders he sees so often. Give him a laugh, smile, and beer, and he is good! I can't do that for him. Once him and his fun time is done at the bar, he is drunk, at home with me. And I refuse to drink just to deal with him. So a sober girlfriend, and a drunk boyfriend? Does not work. And a drunk boyfriend and drunk girlfriend? That won't last very long either, someone will set the house on fire. I think good luck to any woman who wants to try to pick up these pieces.
Pain doesn't last forever, take the advice of others, start exercising, box up everything that reminds you of him, BE WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY, get a cat (my advice, get to support groups, YOGA IS THE BEST!!!!
We all love you!!!!

jamaicamecrazy

After 2 years I still wake up in the middle of the night asking myself these questions, wondering if there was something else I could have done. I miss him every single day. He is the first thing I think about and the last thing I think about. Even after 2 years. I get frustrated with myself but am giving myself permission to feel this way as long as I need to-always checking in that it is not detrimental to me and stopping me from growing. When I truly can't stand feeling this way anymore I will move on. That is me being gentle with myself.
I know these feelings are part of my codie behavior. When I feel them I remember,
"I did not cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it."
I also know that the person I miss is no longer there. He is not the man I fell in love with anymore. I literally have to think of my husband as being dead.
I have found myself doing many new things with lots of friends I did not have time for in the past. Even if I initially don't want to do something I try to make myself and usually end up having a great time. Time I otherwise would have spent obsessing about him.
I too have found walking outside in nature to be very healing for the mind and body.
I took a tai chi class where for 2 hours each week all I had to do was think about how my body was moving and the sequence of the moves.
I go to Al Anon meetings at least once a week if not more -especially when I am having one of those days.
I read the forum and copy quotes that speak to me, these I post by the mirror so I can look at them when I need to.
I traveled the first year too. Went to see friends I kept saying I would visit but never found the time to. It was healing to visit someone I had not seen in a while and spend some time away from the walls that seemed to be closing in.
The one thing I promised myself was that I would not close myself off to new and good experiences. That the pain of losing him was not going to leave me a bitter person. I face what I don't like about myself and try to improve it on a daily basis-even if it is one thing each day.
I am not always sure it is getting better or I am just better at coping. It is a long process. I may still miss him but I feel stronger knowing that I am able to live a good life without him and that I am a good person I actually like. In fact many people have shown me great love. It is like I have been able to receive so much more that I was not getting from my AH. All I had to do was look around and stop focusing so much on him.

forgotten1

I had to move away. That's probably not the extreme you need, but mentally you have to put yourself there. After many cycles, I can tell I'm better than where I was at 2 months post-break-up, but I still have my moments (and yeah, at two months the whole "give it time" thing wasn't that comforting, i know). Frequented this site & go to an individual therapist who has dealt with many people in relationships with addicts--they'll help bring you back to logic when your emotions are spinning (check out goodtherapy.org for good therapist recommendations in your area). I also journaled a lot. It helps to get all your emotions down so that you don't have to keep feeling them throughout the day you can get your anger and hurt and etc on paper then go on...

A therapist once told me, when you have those what if thoughts... to let your mind GO THERE. Ok, you're right. WHAT IF you did all those things and you and he were back together... logically think through this. When you do, you'll realize the kind of person you would have had to become (a doormat, someone willing to put up with your lifelong partner not committed to YOU and your overall happiness). Think of the kind of girl he has to have to feel loved... that's not the kind of girl you are. You cant just stand back and let him keep going on his destructive path (which is a good thing), but he needs someone that won't be an obstacle for him on that path. He lives in a world taken over by his addicted brain. He CANT choose you or a life of abundance and flourishing. He HAS TO choose the booze and self-destruction. His wants and needs in life are different from yours... and it isn't a weakness or a failure on your part that you can't be the kind of person that can be with a guy like that. It's a strength.

Feel bad for the new girl. You were with him for SIX YEARS... you know what he could be "at best" and it wasn't good enough for you

Cyranoak

m1k3

Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. They want people that will take care of them, not judge them and let them get on with their drinking. When you stopped filling that role he found someone else who would. The only person involved in a relationship was you and it was not a healthy one. I know that from experience. My AW wasn't a partner, she was a parasite.

So, stop looking backwards, you can't change the past. Start looking forward and begin working on the stronger healthier you.

BTW, one thing I learned was the partner who put the most into the relationship is the one that suffers the most when it ends. Look at how upset he is now (not at all?) and you can tell how much the relationship meant to him. While it is not something that you want to hang onto I found my anger was actually a source of healing and allowed me to see things as they really were.

Your friend,

Mavis1

I didn't. he died.

AlcoholicLove

m1k3~

"The partner who puts the most into the relationship is the one that suffers the most when it ends."
Reading this one line made me feel like I had just been hit with a sledge hammer.

Alcoholics are not partners-they ARE parasites
Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take HOSTAGES.

My dear God-you have no idea how helpful your post was for me this morning.
Thank You.

nodaybut2day

Hold the phone. He was no victim to his problems. He made CHOICES to continue to indulge in his addiction and NOT to seek out help.

He chose his addiction over his job, and suffered the consequences.
He chose to drive drunk, and suffered the consequences.
He chose to indulge in his addiction, and suffered the consequences.


And when you refused to enable him further, he CHOSE to seek out a new enabler. As wonderful as he was during the relationship, the fact that he "fell in love" with another woman within weeks is a clear sign that he did not feel the same about the relationship as you did. IMO, he didn't "fall in love", he quickly found a new enabler and latched on for dear life. Also, she isn't "giving him the love you couldn't"...she just has no idea (for now) what she's getting into, sadly. I can only assume that once she's tired of being his enabler, he'll dump her and "fall in love" with someone else.


"what if i would of done more" - Ask yourself this question honestly...do you REALLY think that anything you could have said or done could change him?

"what if i just accepted it, lvoe conquires all right" - No, this is an illusion created by mainstream society. LOVE is about mutual respect not blind devotion.

"what if i just was there for him when he needed me most insteed of pushing him away" - Would there be anything left of you if you simply kept giving and giving to him?

'WHY DIDNT I TRY HARDER" - Try harder to...what, sublimate yourself even further?

"why do i feel this is all my fault?" - It's your natural tendency at this point. When something goes wrong, you immediately look for the closest and most logical culprit: yourself. I'd venture to say that it's time for you to point the finger at the person who CHOSE the addiction over you...

justrae83

I understand what yor are all saying, when i said I wasnt there for him when he needed me most was, last time he went to rehab for prescription pills...i never went to visit him, i just packed up our things and i left. He needed me, went and got help and I ABANDONED HIM...i feel this regret everyday. When he came back, he was sober...he continued to stay sober for almost a year and i was afraid to take him back becuase of all the ups and downs in the past. So he gave up and found somone who would love him for him, i dont know if he is still using but i do know he is drinking again. From what his friends tell me, he is SOOO MUCH BETTER and seems happy that he can control it now and is in love. I WAKE UP every single day with regreat and this pain in my chest that wont go away.

Did I give up on true love? - maybe
Should I have been there for him? - I regreat it everyday
Why wont he even return my calls now? - Becuase he says he fell in love with somone who gives a damn and I threw him away

These are the reasons i cry still every single day for over 2 months. He was an amazing person, lvoer and friend. The fact he wont return my calls and emails when i aplogize constently breaks my heart. The only text i recived from him was weeks ago telling me to stop contacting him and he is in love now with a new GF and i need to respect it. Maybe i do need therepy cuz this regrets keep me hostage from any life i would have.

m1k3

Ok, let's clear some stuff up.

His rehab, his problem. He didn't need you to help him get better, he needed to do that himself. How is it your fault that he is an alcoholic and a drug addict?

Not even close. Alcoholics don't love other people, they can't. They love their booze and that is it.

To do what? Again his addiction, his problem, his responsibility.

Because he is a parasite and has found a new host who will let him drink without regret.

Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse and worse and worse. Read this to find out how much worse things could have gotten:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
Give up on the fairy tale. Love doesn't cure all, love isn't forever and no your love can't fix him.

I would strongly recommend going to Al-Anon. It will give you the tools you need to start making your life about you and not about someone else. Also consider reading the book Codependent No More. As a codie myself I think you would find a lot in that book to be useful.

Your friend,

m1k3

One other thing:
No he can't. If he is an alcoholic like you said and I would agree, he can't control it. He can fake it for a while but he is already sliding back down into the pit of uncontrolled drinking.

Why do you miss this?

Your friend,