Noodler

I went to my 1st Al anon meeting last night and felt uneasy and a bit depressed when I came out.

First of all I have found out thru talking to an older member that they are not really frequented by many people these days, having found on line groups etc.
the younger people are not joining, so are mainly run by the over 65 yrs. So here in England they are majorly on the downturn. Has anyone found this to be so in their area of England.

There was four people in our group and we sat and shared, but I felt it made me more miserable and the thought of coming every week (its only a wkly meeting) depressed me alot.

I have certainly nothing against the over 65 s they have a wealth of information and wisdom. But most of them had stayed and it just made me think "oh my god that could be me" and depressed me more actually.

Did any else feel like this at their 1st meeting.
Im just wondering if people are finding better avenues of support i.e. SR
as this has helped me tremondously. But everyone was advocationg Al non and therefore I wanted to try everything I could that could help.

It does seem to be a bigger and better organisation in the USA and other countries than it is here. Maybe I should go further a field a find another one?

Thanks for reading
xxx

itsmylifenow

Yes, I had a similar experience.

I went after my exAB drove while he was drunk and I didn't think i was going to make it out alive that night.

I needed people to talk to so went to a meeting. I didn't find the age thing, but I found women somehow content with where they were. Maybe it was acceptance, I don't know. But, I sat there listening to what they had experienced with these alcoholics. How they stayed in marriages and relationships where there was abuse.

And, I remember telling myself this was not what I wanted my life to be about. That MY life was not going to be a series of weekly meetings because someone else couldn't take responsibility to fix themselves. Why should I have to do this?

I believe it's a definite worthwhile organization and the support can be helpful. Maybe on-line is a better place for you to go. I personally prefer a forum like this over a meeting.

Not sure if that helped but hope it did

AlwaysGrowing

Try other meetings if you can. Kind of like a fast food place. May have the same name on the outside but run by different people. Usually the larger groups are better as they attract and retain more members.

EnglishGarden

Speaking from the USA side.....

I always recommend Al-Anon to those who are first blindsided by a loved one's addiction because the very act of getting off one's bottom and driving to a meeting is an act of defiance against the disease and an act of determination to find answers and get well.

As well, the free brochures which are available at the meetings here in the US are among the best literature anyone could ever read about addiction. Al-Anon literature is very carefully crafted by people with decades of experience dealing with addiction, and this is apparent in the power of the language.

But I know exactly what you mean about the meeting you attended. I have been to assorted meetings over many years and in some I remember thinking, "Oh God, please don't let me become one of these women."

What I was reacting to was the absence of life in the room. The absence of colorful vitality and spark. No one wants recovery if it does not affirm the life force in all its glory: beauty, love, glowing, a resurgence of life lived to its fullest.

This includes for many healthy romantic relationship, and if the meeting is attended primarily by divorced and widowed spouses who have been living solitary lives for many years or decades, a woman of any age who hopes for the fullness of relationship in recovery (which includes a healthy sexuality) will feel dispirited.

If I attend a meeting and there is no one there living the promises of recovery as I need to see those promises for myself, I do not continue attending that meeting. Here in the metropolitan area I live in there are many other choices.

There are also meetings that are founded on the 12 Steps that can be just as helpful as Al-Anon. Adult Children of Alcoholics are often quite vibrant gatherings. Codependents Anonymous is another option. And there are other non-12 Step based groups of recovery.

Personally I believe online support is useful but limited, as it keeps the codependent isolated and I believe that in that isolation, the codependent is much more easily manipulated by the addict and is also much more at the mercy of her own distorted and chaotic thinking.

If you cannot find a meeting, then if you can afford a counselor, that would be wonderful for you.

The important thing is that our recovery is about RECOVERING THE FULLNESS OF LIFE. Find people who live that way, and who are sane and have good boundaries.

Addiction darkens our world. Recovery is all about RADIANT LIGHT. If you do not feel that in a meeting, you need not feel guilty for bowing out of that particular group.

SoaringSpirits

Try a different meeting if you can. The first Al Anon meeting I attended was similar, full of women who were staying in abusive alcoholic relationships. It depressed me as well. I tried three other meetings and found each of them to have a different flavor. Last night I tried yet another meeting, expecting I would not like it (it's in a senior center), and to my surprise really felt like it was a good fit!

LifeRecovery

I have experienced the age factor.

I live in a rural area, and there are a limited number of meetings offered. They all have a different "feel" however. The other meetings are not offered in the area, and we actually have other -anons come to us as a result.

One thing that helped me in the transition was a counselor who was well versused in Al-anon...so any doubts concerns etc I was having I could bring to her.

That helped me on items that I might have been isolating on in the group I could work through with her. That was very helpful.

Noodler

Thanks so much for those much needed replies. I was worried that this was all there was for me with Al non when everyone else seemed to be having good experiences and results from their Al non programs.

It was exactly that "itsmylifenow, AlwaysGrowing and Soaringspirits" feeling this isnt the place for me. It would be wrong of me to say that they were all accepting of their "lot" because for some of them it was their children who were the A s and that would be a lot harder to detach from I guess. But yes it was that feeling of "Oh God is that it then for me for the next 10 years". But obviously I did think afterwards "well it wont be because im going to do something about it" so there was a positve outcome!

And thanks EnglishGarden for that post! It was exactly as you said " the absence of vitality and spark" a feeling of foreboding, Oh god I couldnt wait to get out. I now know what to look for. It confirmed everything I was thinking and good ideas too. I agree that on-line is a fab new technology for us and I now wouldnt be without it as it has got me this far, but it can be isolating I agree. But yes I also wanted to face this with people who could teach me that life can change, how to change and the benefits and results of change, good old face to face. So I ll continue to find a group and hopefully find one a bit more uplifting!!

Thanks to everyone for confirming my experience wasnt mine alone. And its ok to move on to a better one. (if there is one !!)

xxx

RoundII

I can only speak from personal experience, but I have been to meetings as few as 4 people and as many as 30+. Each meeting seems different in the same place. Mondays are packed for some reason. Fortunately there are all age groups represented and people in all stages of recovery. I have only been going about a month now and the only uncomfortable thing for me is the religious aspect. Of course that is just one other personal issue for me. I see so many people it seems to be working for I am sticking it out. Good luck.

Cyranoak

That is not true at all in the Pacific Northwest United States. May I suggest finding out for yourself by "shopping" meetings in your area? It may be true, but see it with your own eyes.

Not all meetings are the same, but a strong meeting will change your life. I believe that.

Cyranoak

Noodler

Thanks RoundII and Cyranoak. I do see though that Al anon is a different animal in the USA, we seem to be stuck in the 50s and 60s here, infact I was told that numbers have fallen dramatically. The al anon official in this group last night told me that it nearly closed a few weeks ago as she was the only one there 2 weeks running and I live in a City. We dont have one group in the central City and the groups that are running are in the outlining Boroughs. Quite amazing really.

But once again thanks for your info and thoughts.
xxx

Cyranoak

And from what my buddy from Manchester tells me there's plenty of alcoholism to go around there (he claims more than here).

So sorry to hear this.

Cyranoak

Noodler

I know Cyranoak hard to believe isnt it, thats how I felt when I started looking and realised we re in the "dark ages" here regarding treatment and support. I ve just found a group on the otherside of Manchester (bout 10 miles away) for Co dependent An (CA) as advised to look for them instead, but thats it.

And in my true addictive helping style I was that mad, I wanted to contact HQ Al anon and try to open one myself!!!!! Just stopped myself in time (At least im learning something out of this).

xxx