I'm lost.

Old 03-13-2012, 07:00 AM
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I'm lost.

I've recently left my boyfriend after 4 years together, 2 years of this he's been an out in the open alcoholic. Due to post tramatic stress he began drinking heavily and the rest I'm sure you all know about. I'm completely heartbroken and I know this is for the best but I don't want to give up hope that he will for himself get there and be happy again. For my own recovery im at a loss where to turn, I've tried alanon but I'm only 25 and I don't mean to sound ageist but I felt like a child with alot of old grannies fussing over me! And I know it's not a religious group but as soon as someone mentions god I switch off and don't want to hear anymore!
I've been signed off work for 2 weeks by my doctor to help me get myself together and I don't think I've eaten for about a week which isnt good for me at the best of times as I'm a size 8! But this is no good for me since all I do is go round and round it all in my head!
I don't know where to go.
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Old 03-13-2012, 07:31 AM
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I'm an old granny (well,not quite) and Al-Anon wasn't my thing either. Just like different approaches work for different alcoholics, the same holds true for family and friends.

This is like a death and you need to grieve. Time will work wonders but a few sessions with a good therapist would help you be able to focus. I find that meditation and journaling help keep my mind straight too. Don't bottle things up but try not to wallow either.

Hang in there, and hang out here. It is comforting and inspiring to see what people have overcome.
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Old 03-13-2012, 08:05 AM
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Welcome CAZ12

You will find amazing wisdom on this site as I have pls keep coming and reading the stickies at the top of the page. I have only been here a couple of months, I knew nothing when I came on, but have been educated and grateful ever since.

I carnt believe your thread about Al anon because I have just posted above you, without knowing, a similar thread.

I know exactly what you mean I felt like this last night at my first meeting and guess what im 52!!!!!

I had empathy for all who were there but didnt feel comfortable. I know its not a comfortable situation we are in, but it all felt a bit hopeless.

So your not on your own with that one CAZ12. Keep coming here and reading and posting and you ll find a wealth of information and support as I have.

And im looking for alternative face to face groups also under diff umberellas.

Nice to meet you
xxx
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:54 AM
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Welcome Csz. You are in the right place. I am sorry to hear of your difficulties. Like mny others here I struggle with liviving with an active A. Try to find an alanon group you like and listen and learn. These are the only things keeping me sane now. Take it easy on yourself. You will learn it is not your fault and have no control over the A. Good luck on the start of your recovery.
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Old 03-13-2012, 10:00 AM
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Dear Catz, please review and read carefully some of the above stickies, they are a wonderful source to answers to so many questions. they have helped me repeatedly. you're in the right place. best of luck to you. m
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Old 03-14-2012, 11:47 AM
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Hi Caz, I am breaking up with my ABF at this moment, and it has been long and hard process. Together 6 years, the last 4 have been me trying to change him and control his drinking. He can only do it himself. Some days are good, and there is hope, other days it just goes back to the same crap. I am amazed how many people are going though the same thing with our loved ones. Is there really that much addiction out there? I feel like alcoholics/addicts would just self destruct if they did not have a stable partner, but that could just be my co-dependent thinking. It is the biggest struggle trying to convince yourself that being alone and happy is better than in a dysfunctional relationship. Keep coming back to this forum, it is wonderful!!! We are all with you in this struggle, maybe different situations/intensities, but we all share a common thread..... addiction/CAN'T STOP USING. It will only get worse.
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:07 PM
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Hi and welcome. I to along with Jennifer am going through the same thing. My 6 year relationship ended 2months ago with not an abusive or mean man but a man that threw me away like trash once I told him I couldn’t stand up for him for my family and friends because he started drinking again. (he was sober almost a year) I was so afraid of the kids we might have had, would he forget them somewhere, would he do somethings stupid to my dog, would I always walk on eggshells hoping not to hurt his feelings.

I told him he couldn’t drink at all, he told me he didn’t have a problem and then dumped me for a new girlfriend who he told me he loves and is planning on marring and raising her 4 children. (talk about a knife to the heart) It is true when people say it is like you have to mourn a death more then the break up. You are not losing your ex, your losing the ex you fell in love with. They are 2 different people….I am still crying everyday and I pray it will stop too. These forms are really starting to help me see the big picture and it isn’t my fault. Although the COdE in me, I still blame myself and wonder how he could just throw me away.

Someone on here told me that addicts don’t have relationships, they have hostages and addicts don’t love, they use people, as soon as I said I couldn’t allow the drinking and stand up to my family, he found a new women that would then texted me how much he loves her, her body, her children, her love that I never gave, blamed me for not being there and told me to never call him again….sigh. I am going to attend al-non for the first time tonight in 6 years even though the relationship died, to help me move on. Therepy this weekend to help me heal from my abandonment issues (I still want him even through all this) and I PRAY EVERY SINGLE DAY for god to get me through it…

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Old 03-14-2012, 12:46 PM
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"If you are in a relationship with someone who has a relationship with a substance you have a rival with whom you cannot compete. You need to give some long, hard thought to the relationship; you need to make a careful assessment of what really exists versus what you would like to have exist.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is addicted, you will never be first choice. Period. The primary relationship the partner will choose and seek again and again at any expense will be the relationship with the addictive substance. You are not strong enough to overcome the power of the substance. You cannot compete successfully. You will end up hurt and probably broke. These relationships need to be put on hold until the partner is clean and sober, and you cannot force your partner to make that choice.

If your partner is addicted, you can't fix him until he is ready to fix himself. You can't make her get ready to fix herself. Your partner is the only person with the power to make these changes. You will not be able to make anything happen unless your partner is ready to make it happen. It's not your fault. You didn't break them, you can't fix them."

Bryn C. Collins, Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap

Just sharing...
~T
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Old 03-14-2012, 05:55 PM
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Tuffgirl so very very true, regret it took me so long to learn, it gets better slowly minute to minute hour by hour, suddenly i am 7 months free and planning for future.
learnt i could have never changed him and looking after DD lots of support here its been godsend to me!
learning could never change him gave me the scary freedom to put us first and leave, he living same life but without us, been replaced by several partners so far all who gave him more in short time than i ever did in all my years with him, am not the woman he needs as i am no longer there!
slowly slowly becoming the person i need to be. have little in life just me, DD, food and support but have peace in myself never knew what that was till now.
sorry for long ramble ........
it gets better look after yourself, eat, sleep read and give yourself time.
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Old 03-14-2012, 06:30 PM
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thats a shame youre feeling that way about AL ANON about those "grannys" because those grannys may have something good to say in ONE meeting...just takes once....IMO, please go back and find a group you are comfortable...plz try them ALL...

i am the youngest in my group...yep...and I LEARNED so much from those grannys..because one of them is my MOM!!...lol...

take what you want, and leave the rest...
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