Pigtails

Has anyone been in a relationship where both of you are alcoholics/have had drinking problems and then you got/stayed sober while your significant other did not?

I'm just at this point where I feel crazy because I don't want a life that revolves around alcohol yet it seems to because of my boyfriend's drinking and my choice to stay with him. I don't want to just leave him but it's also taking a big mental toll on me and I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. It's to the point where he has now lied to me about how much he has had to drink. I just want to not make alcohol the focus of my life. I don't want to leave him but I also don't want to keep putting myself through this. I was thinking of taking a break to focus on my own recovery. Has anyone done this? Or does anyone have any advice on how to deal?

Sapling

Hey Pigtails...I haven't been....I was the problem in all my relationships...But since nobody has responded...I'll throw in my two cents...If it were me...I can't put anybody ahead of my sobriety....Even family members...Because I can't afford to lose it...I can imagine it isn't pretty in a relationship with someone drinking....I don't know....You're going to have to weigh that one out...What's your sobriety worth to you?

Threshold

Check out the friends and family forum too, lots of people there also dealt with addiction themselves as well as having a loved one or partner with one.

When my bf relapsed, I held out for a long time, but after awhile got lonely and would sometimes drink with him again just for the company.

Not smart.

There's the old saying that it's as easy to fall in love with a rich man as with a poor man...does that work with sober/drunk as well?

I wonder if it is harder for us to cut the cord when we are recovering addicts ourselves. guilt, or wishing that someone had hung in with us...etc. Knowing what they are feeling. It's hard not to project some of us on them and them on us..

Pigtails

Thanks for the input Sapling. I have pretty much always been in dysfunctional relationships and almost always with someone else who drinks as much as or more than I did. So I guess that is something to examine.

In this case I have almost slipped up because it gets really hard to be around alcohol and people getting drunk etc. without sometimes being tempted. My feelings on the issue tend to vary... sometimes I'm fine without drinking and other times I really want to, and in the past have almost done it, but luckily I have talked myself out of it. The hardest part is that he wants me to drink and so when I want to drink it would be easy to.

I know I have to put my recovery first and it's not worth it to play with fire. He has said he will not drink when he's around me so at least that's some progress. I have to be prepared to get up and leave wherever we are if he goes back on his word. :-/ I can do it but it will be hard and I would prefer a partner who doesn't drink, but, the partner that I have DOES drink, so that is hard.

Thanks again.

Pigtails

Exactly. I was just like him when we met and now I have changed, and I know I can't just expect him to change too. But it's hard because he often says he wants to change, and not to give up on him etc. It's really confusing. I do have a lot of guilt and attachment to him that probably isn't healthy.

Dominica2

me and dominica have been together ten years now.I was a alcholic for a year and a half I haven't drank in four years now while she continues to drink heavily and the only advice I can give is you have to have a strong minda lot of love for that person,and patience.

mirage

That's a tough situation, pigtails. I've not been in it, so I can't speak from experience. I'll say this tho...think long term. It sounds like you're not married and you don't have kids yet. If this is the case, think about the years ahead and how you want them to be. Assume he won't change. Do you want to smell it at night in your room? Do you want him to fall asleep before he tucks the kids in like he promised?, etc. You have the opportunity to avoid a lot of drama in your life. If I were to wish someone for you, it would be a sober someone..or at least someone who just drinks rarely and socially. Don't be with someone who wants you to drink. Hugs and good luck!

Tres

Hi Pigtails. I understand pretty much where you are at. My hubby and I met drinking and it continued and progressed for 12 years. I finally got tired of it and quit November 1, 2011. All of our friends drink too. To say the least, it has been very hard.

We have a daughter also. I wondered many times how this is going to work. We have had some very long talks, and he knows I am serious about my quitting. I told him I considered leaving if things don't change. I was dead serious. He listened and things are changing. I also see a therapist to help me work through issues. Things are moving forward slowly. Time will tell.

I know if I was not committed by marriage, I would not stay. My recovery comes first.

I also believe that my not drinking has got to rub off on him. I can see the changes. He is exercising more, sleeping better, less crabby, etc....but he won't admit that its the decreased drinking...

Also, check out the other threads. There is one about the ten steps not to do when living with an alcoholic. Those helped me a lot.

Keep posting and good luck. There are a lot of recovering people here that live with or are married to an active alcoholic.

Anna

Pigtails, my husband, who rarely drank, stopped drinking when I did and I am very glad. Alcohol is not part of our lives.

However, I changed a lot when I began recovery. And, I had been married for a long time, so I didn't know how it would work out, because my husband didn't want to change and was quite content. At times, I wondered if we would grow apart, but that didn't happen. The relationship changed though because I changed from the inside out. It's not necessarily better or worse, just different.

janiebluebird

Pigtails, I'm not sure that it will work out for you in the long run if your boyfriend continues to drink. I'm single right now, and it is actually really helpful. I'm on this whole new track in life, I feel, and I don't know how being in a relationship with someone who still drank would fit into the changes that I have made for myself. When I do decide to date again, I want it to be with someone who is also living a sober life so that we are on the same wavelength. I couldn't imagine being with an active drinker while trying to lead a sober life for myself - there would be some sort of fracture there between our partnership.

I know its easier said than done. You are emotionally invested and it is personal to you. Just my opinion. I hope you are able to find the answer that you need.

onlythetruth

I haven't faced that exact situation, Pigtails. When I quit drinking, my then-husband drank, but he was a normal, social drinker and there was no problem.

I do have a friend who has recovered from alcoholism whose husband of 30+ years continues to drink very heavily/alcoholically. She quit drinking at least 10 years ago and their marriage remains intact; has even survived the horror of losing their only child. The day that happened, she sat inside with a group of friends while he sat out by the fire with his, drinking.

This wouldn't be my choice, but when asked, my friend will simply say that she loves this man, he is not a "mean drunk" or abusive, and while she does not like his drinking, it is confined to certain hours, during which time they keep their distance from each other.

So, it can work, but it seems to involve acceptance of the situation as it is. So the question for you is: can you do that? Can you live in a relationship where your BF continues his current behavior?

phoebe64

I am married almost 18 years and we have 2 kids, in elementary school.

I want to stop drinking, and my husband does not. He controls his drinking moreso that i do. I tend to have too much, get hungover, and he will have just 2 beers at night, during the week. On weekends, he can down 6-8 beers, and will waste alot of time in bed the next morning.

When I had success for several months, I was becoming very resentful of the wasted time. I am an early riser, and me and the kids would wait around all am for him to get up and do something fun together. And I could see his lethargy and disinterst in things more clearly as a sober person. I am sure I am just that way when I am drinking and more tired all the time.

I have told him i want to stop drinking. But, yet, even after some pretty heartfelt talks, if I pick up, he says nothing, and will even grab a couple of bottles of wine for me when he gets his beer. SO, he does not really help me stay sober and sort of sabotages it at times. i think he misses his drinking buddy.

This is a huge challenge for me right now. I hold out very well, until 10PM at times, and then he comes and sits with his beer to watch a bit of TV with me. Then, I cave and have a couple of glasses of wine, at least.

Last time I had success, I avoided him alot, stayed on the computer in the basement, went to bed early, etc... But it is sad. Hardly a marriage.

I would seriously consider the relationship if you want sobriety and he does not. It will not get any easier or better, and it gets very complicated once you have a family and house together, and I have left my career now, for 12 years, raising the kids, etc...

But you have to do what is right for you. I wish my dh would want to stop drinking and we could grow together in new and healthy ways. I do see he drinks less when I have more success with reducing my drinking. The worst is vacations, though. I blew my sobriety on a vacation where he drinks everynight. Vacation means drinking to him. Anything social does, even if he does not get drunk. Always a beer, never just a cup of coffee, so to speak.

NewLifeAt60

We've been together 22 years, the last 12 or so revolving around drinking somewhat. I decided not to ask my husband not to drink although he's agreed our drinking had become excessive and he's supportive of my efforts (never suggesting I join him). My hope is that he will see the improvements in me and eventually want that for himself and he has cut down his drinking noticeably.

Initially, the smell of alcohol and witnessing the "tipsy" behavior was upsetting to me (especially realizing that we smelled and appeared that way to our adult children). That's improved with his cutting back, but I'm concerned about the road ahead as you are. While I deal with his "managed" drinking, I'm sure I'm not able to go anywhere (bar, gathering) involving alcohol at this point (three plus weeks).

Will it come to a choice between him and sobriety? I hope not. I wonder if I could handle the initial challenges (and blessings) of sobriety AND deal with someone in the same household who's trying to face down his own demons at the same time. Perhaps someone has to lead the way and that's us.

Pigtails

This is exactly the question I'm facing, and I actually just posted about it on a thread I have going in Friends & Family. This is what I said:

I found the second-to-last sentence of your comment very poignant... another big issue I struggle with is that he really wants me to drink. When I explain to him whole-heartedly why I'm not drinking and why I want to not drink, he is supportive, but in everyday life, he wishes I was still his drinking buddy, he says he doesn't think I was as bad as I thought I was... and at times he has actively encouraged me to drink, saying he wants to see what will happen now that I haven't drank in awhile, and bragging about how he's a bad influence etc. (After I get upset he's apologized and stopped this, but, it really bothers me, it's like he doesn't take me seriously or he is trying to sabotage my efforts).

Ironically one of the reasons I stopped drinking for good was him... on the one hand, he gave me positive motivation because I connected with him and wanted to get to a place where we could live a happy, healthy life together (I kind of forgot that he would need to be on board with that plan too. :-/ ) Also, I saw the way he drank, and the way we drank together, and it was super dangerous and I know it needed to stop. I always tried to keep up with him (well, I succeeded) and would drink way more than I had ever drank before in one setting... when we first met we were partying all the time, seriously out until 3 in the morning or later on week nights (I'm a professional!!), drinking and doing coke, and I started smoking pot with him even though that was never my thing. I just saw that we were like two moths to a flame and bad things were going to come of it... sure enough, he got arrested for DUI and that's when I really made the switch from "want to stop drinking" to "need to/am committed to stopping drinking" and joined AA seriously, etc. I guess he is still in the "sometimes think I should stop drinking, for awhile," mindset, and while I don't want to judge him because I was there too, I have realized that stopping is necessary for a healthy life, and he hasn't.

Pigtails

That's exactly it-- we are on such different wavelengths. When it's just him and me, things are great-- he doesn't drink and I don't even think about it... we just hang out and do fun things together. But whenever anyone else/alcohol is around, it's like he looks for every opportunity to drink, often leading to him getting drunk so that we are in two totally different mindsets, and I feel uncomfortable around all the drinking and people getting drunk because it reminds me of where I used to be and I just think it is a huge waste of time.

He has said he won't drink around me (no matter who else is around), so that's a good start. But really I've changed a lot of friends, hang-out spots etc. so even if it's me and him around a bunch of people who are drinking, I don't see the fun in that and I've seen in the past when he's said he wants to not drink, then other people are and he can't, he gets really grumpy and in a bad mood, so strangely it's like I start to think, well fine then drink if it is going to make you more of yourself and not this bump on a log who's all upset!

Anyway I totally know what you mean and I would highly prefer to date someone who does not drink... or maybe I just need to be single right now, and maybe a big part of this is that that sounds really scary to me!

Pigtails

Thanks OTT. I guess that's a big reason I have stayed with my boyfriend-- he isn't a mean or abusive drunk, in fact he is sickenly sweet and starts to talk about marriage, kids, being together forever when he's drinking. (He talks about this stuff when he's not drinking too, but when he's drinking it's like a one-track mission of repeating that stuff over and over again). His being drunk is more of a little kid needing to be taken care of than someone who becomes violent or angry. (He does say really inappropriate things sometimes, like "shut the F up" or calls women, even me, the B word, but it's like his mind is just stuck on some track, like he doesn't know/mean what he says, and when I call him out on it, he gets all apologetic but soon goes back to the same track). His argument to me is often, why can't I drink, if I have nothing else to do, and I'm hanging out around you and not out doing anything wrong or being mean to you etc.? To me it's just the mindset of him getting drunk an wasting the entire night.

Pigtails

I can so relate to this. Everything social or vacation-y that my boyfriend does involves drinking, and it used to be that way for me too but now I see that there are so many better things to do. When I'm struggling in sobriety it is very hard to sit through night after night (or day after day) of him and others that we're with drinking when we're on vacation, and not want to join in too. I haven't, but I've come too close to want to put myself into those situations. So it leaves me feeling like I should just be a hermit to avoid the temptation. Most times, though, it's not that I want to drink with him... it just feels like we're on different wavelengths and I wish he could have fun without drinking.

Best wishes to you-- your situation does sound hard, and I am grateful that I started figuring this out before I got married/had kids. The therapist I used to see was really against me staying with my boyfriend because she told me stories of wives who were married to alcoholics and who said they wished they would have had a hint of his drinking before they got married and they never would have done it. She told me I'm going in with my eyes wide open and I should get out. I think of that often because as much as I love him and know he loves me, I would just be signing up for a lot of drama if I were to marry him like this (which I wouldn't). I hope your situation works out for you. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

whynot4856

I feel your pain.
My boyfriend doesnt exactly have a drinking problem.
It's just that now I am sober and making healthy and even meaningful choices. I'm seeing life in a new way. Yet, he is staying the same... and even going out drinking MORE.

How long have you been together?
Stay strong! I know it can be tough.

Pigtails

We've only been together for 8 months, which should make this much easier. But before I met him I was in a really unhappy place and I hadn't connected or bonded with anyone for a long time. (Perhaps I connected with him because we had similar drinking styles, even though I had wanted/tried to stop drinking for a few months before I met him). I had dated guys that just didn't feel right for me or that I didn't even like or that I tried to make it work with when it just wasn't there... for him and I, it was this instant spark that felt like, finally. We became really close right away, which was probably a mistake but it's just how it happened. We've probably spent every day/night together since we met, except for the times we've fought about him drinking and I told him not to come over!

You're right about changing and them not. My boyfriend also started drinking more after I stopped drinking! Overall, now (it's been four months of me not drinking), he drinks less just because most of the time we are alone together and he doesn't drink then. But it's like when he does have (or seeks out) an opportunity to drink, he goes crazy with it. My boyfriend does try to change and has made some positive life changes but the bigger issue is that his mentality is very negative and he doesn't think he will achieve anything and that it would be pointless to try etc. In that sense it's very frustrating, one of those things where I can't change his thinking and I can't help him if he's in that spot where he doesn't want to/can't be helped.

It's nice to talk to you and others who understand. Thanks!

whynot4856

Yeah It's nice to know we are not alone

I'm wondering if my 'bottom' may have pushed him away a little and he knows the one place he can run and hide is in a bar... since I am not interested in attending. Just a thought. Maybe I also just notice his drinking now more than before, and nothing has actually changed. Either way, the last thing I want to do is control him, I just wish we could be on the same page, and maybe someday we will be.

I'm definatley going to put the work in to try and acheive soberiety and success in my relationship. The only person who knows if it is worth it, is YOU