hcd

Not sure how/where to start so I'll start here. Blacked out in a very seedy strip club, the kind where, I find out later, illegal things happen. I come to with a stripper saying "What's wrong" as I stumble out the door. That's all I remember -- not even walking home. I have NO IDEA what went down. I spent enough money to have had sex with this woman, based on what I've since read about this place online. I have zero memory. I don't know if this is a convenient, self-serving mental block because I don't want to face the horrible reality or if (God willing) a stripper just made easy money without doing anything beyond giving a zoned-out drunk a long lap dance.

Why is this so bad, besides the health/integrity reasons? Because I am madly, madly in love with my girlfriend. (And yes, I've told her everything I remember, and she doesn't believe I don't remember. Understandably.) I've only gone to strip clubs before with that ironic detachment that idiots do... figuring a strip club is the last place anyone will have sex with you. Well, not the one I went to. I find out after the fact it's bad. I just don't know what I did. (Why was I there? Had an extra night, alone, in a hard-partying town after my friends left. Thought I was being a clever little anthropologist or something, before I had 11 drinks.)

I'm incredibly guilty and haunted by the idea of a disease or a pregnant stripper out there somewhere. I don't think I did anything but I can't say I didn't. If I had some secret I couldn't reveal anywhere else, I'd reveal it here. But I just don't know, which is terrifying on many levels.

I don't know what's going to happen with my girlfriend. If a friend told me this story about her boyfriend, I'd tell her to send him walking. At least she's talking to me, but miserable. I'm so ashamed of myself for putting her through this. She deserves so, so much better.

Going to first AA meeting tonight. The sad thing is I've gone through periods of serious drinking and I was at the most responsible I've been in years. I guess that's why I thought I knew where all the lines are. I didn't.

Thanks for listening. Sorry if it's ****** etiquette to go on like this in a first post. I had to say it somewhere.

Sapling

It's OK to say it here....Welcome to SR...I guess I could say I've had some idiot episodes drunk in strip clubs...Everything from being carried out by my neck to losing my wallet...Explain that one to the wife...The wonders of alcohol....Glad you're here...I hope you stop...Have a great meeting tonight...

desertsong

Welcome, hcd. I'm a woman so I've not had any idiot moments in strip clubs, but I've had more than my share of idiot moments in other situations/places. You can tell us whatever you need to, if it helps to get it off your chest. We all have to have some place to vent. I'm glad you came here -- there is much support to be found here. Let us know how you're meeting goes tonight.

Dee74

Hi HCD

I think, no matter what the situation is, the best thing we can do is straighten up and fly right from here on in.

It can take time for trust to be rebuilt and forgiveness to be regained...you can't force the pace of that in another person.

I think you're far better off on focusing on yourself and what I think, from your post, is the real bottom line here - alcohol and you have a bad relationship.

Get sober - and stay that way...for you, first

D

SoberMan2012

Today is a new day brother.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

FlyerFan

Welcome, I'm sure you aren't the only one to find yourself in this kind of situation. Let us know how you like your first meeting.

sissy07

Welcome to SR! Best wishes.

Dominica2

I know how you feel, yes, I am a woman, and I am an alcoholic. I will easily walk into a female strip club and drop 600 dollars. My alcoholism feeds my addiction to strippers. If I didn't drink I dont even think it would be an issue. When I get drunk I LOVE strippers. Evryone understands here, which makes this sight awesome. Im sorry you are going through this, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel Bottom line is, she is a stripper and she took you for all you had, as they do me, EVERY TIME. Of course, that is their job. If I was sober I would say "20 dollar lap dance for 5 minutes? get the hell outta here!" But drunk me has 3 at once.I know exactly what you mean. Best wishes Hcd. Take care.

dawnrunner

Go to a doctor or clinic and get tested for STD's and HIV nevertheless. That is urgently important. Do not subject your girlfriend to an unknown risk, or leave yourself possibly infected and untreated.

Dominica2

Well put, Dawn.

Hevyn

Welcome hcd. Alcohol turned me into a person I didn't even recognize. I understand doing out-of-character things. For me, it was driving when I shouldn't have. As you already know, the safest thing is to eliminate it from your life. Since picking up puts you in unpredictable & possibly dangerous situations - it's the only way to go.

I hope your meeting goes well & that you have some relief from your anxiety. Please check in and let us know how you're feeling. We care about you.

OCDDan

you'll get over it man, hopefully the girlfriend will understand you need more attention... good luck!

Terminally Unique

Are you kidding me?!!?!!?!!?

He should be getting down on his knees and begging for forgiveness.

eh1988

You should probably go to your dr. and get an std test done before you even kiss your girlfriend again, be considerate.

Jitterbugg

Hi hcd,
I know exactly how you feel. I too would walk into a strip joint with the intention of sitting back and just having a few beers with my friends. My friends would tell me the next day that I sat with them for about 30 mins before I disappeared into the lap dance lounge for the rest of the night. I have spent upwards of 1000 dollars on strippers in a single night. I wasn't having sex with them, but everything else was for sale. I remember being 'helped' out by a bouncer once and thrown in a cab where I gave my address and promptly passed out. My GF had to get out of bed to pay the cabbie and wake me up. The smell of cheap perfume filled our entire apartment and she refused to let me sleep in the bed for obvious reasons. Such shame and guilt...

OCDDan

ok, put an easier way, hcd will probably need to do something to regain his girfriends good grace, maybe a vacation or something where hcd spends ton of hard earned financial assets would be appropriete, like a vacation to an exotic place..

jocata

Your in a forum where alot of people have done some pretty stupid things while intoxicated. I know I sure have. It doesn't have to be that way anymore.

God bless.

newleaves2012

I can speak to your question about the blackout. your brain isn't protecting your conciousness from bad memories. technically, there ARE no memories being created during a blackout. you may have bits and pieces but what you can't remember was never there. the hippocampus is a part of the brain responsible for creating memories. with high doses of alcohol, and even smaller doses in alcoholics, the hippocampus begins to shut down. specifically, the receptors there are shut down and you are not creating memories. you may appear totally out of control or just as normal as anyone else, but the alcohol has effectively stopped a portion of your brain from functioning.

Kpit50

I hope your meeting went well and that you feel less anxiety.