justrae83

Hi all,
A lot of you already know my story…6 year relationship of me enabling him yet putting my foot down, him lying, him manipulating while loving me more then any man ever had. I left finally in jan but when he didn’t come crying back telling me he changed, yet got another women who he claims he loves..IT BROKE ME IN HALF! A whole part of me is missing and I haven’t stopped crying since. I loved this man with all my heart and I think I was and still am addicted to him as much as he was addicted to pills and alcohol. He never was mean, violent or crewel…only until I walked away did he say the meanest things in the world, knowing exactly which words would pierce my heart the most and now….feeling suicidal of what I lost.

I have never been to the alnon meetings or co-dependency meetings before, I sort of figured what’s that point? He won’t change so why should I go, but as I read more and more…women are telling me to go because its sets me free. Is this true? Are they worth going to even if I am not in the relationship anymore? Will it just keep bringing up everything I am trying so hard to burry and forget? Please let me know, I AM OBSSESING how to get over this man. All I do is research, go online, read books, pray…EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY…while he is having the time of his life, not knowing the million pieces he left my heart into with the lowest self esteem EVER.

AntoinetteP

Yes! All the research and reading are good, but there's nothing like the support of real live people in a room who have been through similar heartbreak and obsessing over the loss. He won't change, but by putting yourself with healthier people, if only for an hour a week, it will help you to change, shift out of your grief.

Pelican

I started attending Alanon while making plans to leave my AH.

I continued through the divorce and my move away from that community. Alanon is something I do for me today, and for my future.

Alanon has given me the tools to be a better me in personal relationships, professional relationships, and intimate relationships.

I will pass on the advice given to me: try at least 6 meetings to see if Alanon is for you.

Tuffgirl

You are having a hard time letting this relationship go. There are resources out there that can help you come to terms with that - Al-Anon being one of them when it comes to relationships with addicts/alcoholics. There is never anything wrong with taking steps to work on yourself.

jamaicamecrazy

I left almost 2 years ago and it was the scariest place I had ever been. I had never lived alone. I was going through withdrawal from him and suffering from obsessive thoughts about him. Al Anon helped me so much. It wasn't about learning how to be in a relationship with an A. For me it was about learning to have a relationship with myself. I realized I had become this person I didn't even like anymore. I needed to find ways to focus on me. Al Anon gave me a place to go to feel better when I was having one of "those days". It gave me tools to use when life was overwhelming me. It gave me a group of people who understood what it was like to live with an A. I have been able to find ways to be more grateful for the positive in my life instead of dwelling on the one person I was missing so much. Go for yourself. Go to several meetings and see which you feel is more your style. Go to at least 6 meetings before making a decision if its for you.

LifeRecovery

I agree with all of the above.

I lived with an active binge drinker for five years. I only went to Al-anon four months at the end of our relationship....I am coming up on my two year anniversary with the program.

I go for me, but I also go to make sure that I don't get into another situation where I lose me in "caring" for another. That was there way before the relationship with my loved one.

If I don't take care of me who will? If I don't have a relationship with myself, how can I have a relationship with another....

m1k3

I started here after I made the decision to leave my AW of 36 years. I started Al-Anon after I had moved out. Al-Anon was a huge help for me as it gave me tools that I could use to work on myself and to find my center again. It was a reminder that it was ok for me to take care of myself and my needs. I was a huge help in that I met people face to face who had gone through what I was going through and not only survived, they thrived.

Now, almost a year later I am in a very good place and happy to live the life I have rather than the life I wish I had. How long you choose to attend and which parts of the program work best for you are up to you. I only attend occasionally now but I know it is there for me if I need it.

Your friend,

Mavis1

It does set you free, you learn to let go and meet others that know and feel the way you do, it's a miracle, you just have to really want to change and get better, alanon is about YOU and not HIM. I know that it is hard to think of ourselves as having a problem, heck, I put up with it for years too...so glad I took the suggestions, listened and hang out with others that have that gift, I wanted it soooo badly, you are injured from being in a relationship like that, please know it does get better, there is so much help out there, if you are obsessing all the time there is a problem...please seek help with open arms, welcome it into your heart and soul, don't judge - take away from every meeting just what you need, start sharing and giving back and you feel like a million bucks. best of luck to you, Im praying for you. so hard, I can identify with you and what you are going thru...(there, you've already met someone that has been thru a similiar situation and is reaching out, that is what this forum is all about, take care of yourself) we are all here for ya!!! m

RoundII

My understanding is that many of us are major codependents and seem to somehow be attracted to people that need us ( alchoholics/addicts). I hear a lot of people say they needed meetings to figure out how to find personalities that do not have these tendencies, and how not to repeat their own codependent behaviors. It may be over with your ex, but try to learn from your past and not repeat it.

Cyranoak

Yes!

StarCat

XABF was also abusive and controlling in my case, and Al-Anon was not permitted while I was with him because if I went to Al-Anon then I was saying he was an alcoholic and he wasn't one of those people. So while I did sneak away to three meetings while we were together (before he found out and suddenly I had even less freedom to do things by myself), I didn't really start going in earnest until after I had already left the relationship.

For my recovery I'm using a mixture of Al-Anon, a therapist, a personal journal, this forum, and a collection of books recommended on this forum. They're all helping in their own ways and I am grateful that I have all of them as resources. I am in a much healthier place than I was when I left my alcoholic, and that is because of the work I have been doing on myself much more than the part about me leaving the relationship. If I had not been doing that work on myself I would have simply ended up in yet another unhealthy situation for myself.

I have found that the concepts of Al-Anon can be applied everywhere, including my job, my relationship with my parents, and now my relationship with my new boyfriend. I do not deal with the drama of an alcoholic anymore... but Al-Anon helps to keep my perceptions grounded in reality and my focus on the things that I can change rather than the things I cannot control. I am a happier and more stable person now because of my program.

Yes, Al-Anon helps.

ACTION4success

Once the woman in my life at that time 5 years ago listened to the alanon people and left me do whatever I wanted to do and as much as I wanted to do it, and quit cleaning up my messes, I saw what I had really became and it was painful. Painful enough to change-good luck to you

NoelleR

Hey justrae83 ---

RoundII said it, and it can't hurt repeating.....alanon/naranon/coda can certainly help, even now.....You chose this person, and I'll bet you would rather not choose another like him.....? eh.....?

These meetings/programs can help a person through the break-up process, and also with living one's life w/o 'the other,' and w/o choosing another......clone, perhals.....?


(o:
NoielleR

Cyranoak

And I would add that he's not in charge of your self-esteem. You are. As they say in Alanaon, if you don't want to be treated like a doormat, get off the floor!