I will not call. I will NOT call. I WILL NOT CALL.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I will not call. I will NOT call. I WILL NOT CALL.
This is a battle I seem to face every single day. It gets to be late morning/lunchtime, and I haven't heard from my AH (he works second shift, while I work first shift). I start to wonder what he's doing. I start to obsess about it. I mean REALLY obsess. I try to talk myself down, distract myself, etc., with varying degrees of success depending on the day. On the days when I break down and call him, I almost always regret it, because if I call him before he is "ready," (and when he's "ready," he will call me), he is clearly angry at himself for drinking AGAIN, angry at himself for sleeping til or past noon AGAIN, angry at himself for failing to contribute a dang thing to the household work AGAIN. And of course, who does he take that anger out on? Me, of course.
For the past several days he has obviously been trying to cut back on his drinking (but no recovery program in sight). I have no idea how successful he has been, only knowing that he is not drinking nearly as much at home but also knowing that he is likely drinking away from home when he can. I'm struggling with how this changes the dynamic for our daily phone call ritual. For me, it adds the element of "is he drinking and messing up this new attempt at sobriety, which may or may not lead to real, meaningful recovery" to my obsessing. And to a lesser extent, I also don't want to send a wrong message about his sobriety--the message I WANT to send is that I am proud of him for taking steps, and that his recovery is HIS to own. That I am supportive, but can't/won't involve myself in it to my own detriment.
I will not call. I will not call. I will not call.
For the past several days he has obviously been trying to cut back on his drinking (but no recovery program in sight). I have no idea how successful he has been, only knowing that he is not drinking nearly as much at home but also knowing that he is likely drinking away from home when he can. I'm struggling with how this changes the dynamic for our daily phone call ritual. For me, it adds the element of "is he drinking and messing up this new attempt at sobriety, which may or may not lead to real, meaningful recovery" to my obsessing. And to a lesser extent, I also don't want to send a wrong message about his sobriety--the message I WANT to send is that I am proud of him for taking steps, and that his recovery is HIS to own. That I am supportive, but can't/won't involve myself in it to my own detriment.
I will not call. I will not call. I will not call.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
You are so right, AnvilHead.
Historically the daily phone call is just to see how the other is doing, wish them a good day, etc. At its best, that's what it continues to be. Since his drinking escalated way out of control about 6 months ago, I have added all this subtext to the call, and I think that's why when I don't hear from him by a certain time of day, I immediately assume it's because he doesn't want to talk to me, is mad at me, is doing something wrong, etc. When honestly, I probably don't even cross his mind at all, and am not part of his thought process over when he should or shouldn't call.
The fact that he continues to pull away from our old married couple rituals one by one by one is a reflection on HIM, not on me, and I need to try to remember that.
Historically the daily phone call is just to see how the other is doing, wish them a good day, etc. At its best, that's what it continues to be. Since his drinking escalated way out of control about 6 months ago, I have added all this subtext to the call, and I think that's why when I don't hear from him by a certain time of day, I immediately assume it's because he doesn't want to talk to me, is mad at me, is doing something wrong, etc. When honestly, I probably don't even cross his mind at all, and am not part of his thought process over when he should or shouldn't call.
The fact that he continues to pull away from our old married couple rituals one by one by one is a reflection on HIM, not on me, and I need to try to remember that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by Wisconsin 
This is a battle I seem to face every single day. It gets to be late morning/lunchtime, and I haven't heard from my AH (he works second shift, while I work first shift). I start to wonder what he's doing. I start to obsess about it. I mean REALLY obsess. I try to talk myself down, distract myself, etc., with varying degrees of success depending on the day. On the days when I break down and call him, I almost always regret it, because if I call him before he is "ready," (and when he's "ready," he will call me), he is clearly angry at himself for drinking AGAIN, angry at himself for sleeping til or past noon AGAIN, angry at himself for failing to contribute a dang thing to the household work AGAIN. And of course, who does he take that anger out on? Me, of course.
For the past several days he has obviously been trying to cut back on his drinking (but no recovery program in sight). I have no idea how successful he has been, only knowing that he is not drinking nearly as much at home but also knowing that he is likely drinking away from home when he can. I'm struggling with how this changes the dynamic for our daily phone call ritual. For me, it adds the element of "is he drinking and messing up this new attempt at sobriety, which may or may not lead to real, meaningful recovery" to my obsessing. And to a lesser extent, I also don't want to send a wrong message about his sobriety--the message I WANT to send is that I am proud of him for taking steps, and that his recovery is HIS to own. That I am supportive, but can't/won't involve myself in it to my own detriment.
I will not call. I will not call. I will not call.
For the past several days he has obviously been trying to cut back on his drinking (but no recovery program in sight). I have no idea how successful he has been, only knowing that he is not drinking nearly as much at home but also knowing that he is likely drinking away from home when he can. I'm struggling with how this changes the dynamic for our daily phone call ritual. For me, it adds the element of "is he drinking and messing up this new attempt at sobriety, which may or may not lead to real, meaningful recovery" to my obsessing. And to a lesser extent, I also don't want to send a wrong message about his sobriety--the message I WANT to send is that I am proud of him for taking steps, and that his recovery is HIS to own. That I am supportive, but can't/won't involve myself in it to my own detriment.
I will not call. I will not call. I will not call.
I really enjoy the fact that your AH feels sorry about not contributing to housework. In my home, my AF has been taught that it is a woman's job. I run around cleaning up after my 2 and 1 year old, and my 22 year old fiance. He makes more mess than they do by a long shot (wrappers on the counters, floors, juice stains everywhere, garbage/old food in the sink).
Mine also thinks he can quit alone. Yesterday he told me hes been clean 4 days. He then texted me when I got home from visiting that he was drinking.
I am skeptical about 'quitting alone.' My dad failed rehab a few times. How can you quit alone? It took my grandma hanging off her balcony threatening suicide to stop. She went to the hospital and then to rehab and never drank again. I just don't think without the support and constructive planning of a program, he can stop.
As for avoiding the calls, I just don't call. I know it hurts him a lot more than it hurts me. He always calls. I don't want to listen to it. I figure, I'm 22. If I can lose this jerk now, I'll be all the better off. Too bad we had kids together and I'll have to be in contact for life. But hopefully he, for himself and his kids sanity, gets his life on track.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
I to deal with this daily, I miss hearing from him, I miss hearing how his day is going...i just miss him period. Its a pattern we are so used to, calling and texing them everyday beucase they were our companion n life. cant tell you how many times I have written to him through a text and erased it, or how many times I have actually wrote to him only to get nothing back, as I anxiously wait by the phone for days….still nothing. Its sad to know he is the one ignoring me and not picking up the phone. Sometimes I am glad he is not allowing me to contact, other times I wish he would just talk to me. But honestly, I think all it would do would break my heart more to hear is voice..i haven’t heard it in so long. I have to keep reminding myself he was a immature jerk who had no regards for my feelsing when we ended things and he is sleeping with someone else he claims he loves now. I am still in denial it is over…once I move past that…I know I will be able to move on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
It's moments like this that I am so grateful for this forum. And it also totally reinforces my belief that quitting drinking without a program of recovery is pretty much pointless. Because if I can barely control the urge to pick the phone and call someone, imagine how hard it is for an addict to control the urge to pick up a drink. How anyone could truly enter recovery without a support system is absolutely beyond me.
Thanks, everyone. You've kept me grounded, and my crazy co-dependent outburst has passed.
Thanks, everyone. You've kept me grounded, and my crazy co-dependent outburst has passed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Wisconsin,
what has been working for me is the serenity prayer and al anon meetings, you are so young, I wasted 25 years of my life "waiting" for my XAH'S two of them to changed, the first one died at 47, the other one divorced me 2 years ago.
The good thing about it is.... everything is good about it, this is my lesson in life, it took me 25 years to learn it, but I am much better and so grateful, my children are in recovery because I am in recovery.
Take care of yourself and your children they need at least one normal parent.
what has been working for me is the serenity prayer and al anon meetings, you are so young, I wasted 25 years of my life "waiting" for my XAH'S two of them to changed, the first one died at 47, the other one divorced me 2 years ago.
The good thing about it is.... everything is good about it, this is my lesson in life, it took me 25 years to learn it, but I am much better and so grateful, my children are in recovery because I am in recovery.
Take care of yourself and your children they need at least one normal parent.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Wisconsin))
you are doing wonderful ~ just recognizing that we WANT something different sometimes is half the battle!!
Keep focusing on what is healthy & recovery oriented for YOU ~ when I was breaking away from the unhealthy cycle - I kept telling myself . . .
"If I wanted something different I had to dare to DO something different and I was worth better!!"
Hang in there - you are doing great! ODAT!!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
you are doing wonderful ~ just recognizing that we WANT something different sometimes is half the battle!!
Keep focusing on what is healthy & recovery oriented for YOU ~ when I was breaking away from the unhealthy cycle - I kept telling myself . . .
"If I wanted something different I had to dare to DO something different and I was worth better!!"
Hang in there - you are doing great! ODAT!!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Wisconsin, at each Al Anon meeting they pass out a sheet of phone numbers of people to call if you need to talk. Maybe you could substitute calling someone else for calling your AH?
I can so relate to your need to 'touch base.' I have been separated from my AH for 10 months, and I wanted so badly for the phone to ring, to have him call me just to tell me he loved me. Of course, that phone call never really came. Talking to people who 'get it' has been really helpful.
I can so relate to your need to 'touch base.' I have been separated from my AH for 10 months, and I wanted so badly for the phone to ring, to have him call me just to tell me he loved me. Of course, that phone call never really came. Talking to people who 'get it' has been really helpful.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Leominster, Ma
Posts: 119
Hey Wisconsin, you have your own addiction...it's him. I did the same things, over and over again...finally let go. takes so much time and effort to change ones self but you're the only one that can do it. best of luck, I feel for you, I am thinking back to my situation, good remember when. I was just so weak I didnt break away, he passed away, in a way I still haven't let go, I've built a heart wall around myself. I thought he would get better, change, he didn't, it brought me down very low, eeking my way up again. please just don't call if you can, learn from another persons mistake.. it won't get better, it just won't until you are better. best of luck m
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