klbutcher

A little bit of back ground so that you know where I am coming from. In May 2011 my A addmitted himself into rehab for alcoholism- It was his own choice. He stayed clean and sober until the 15th November. From there he has been using cocaine. The pattern tends to be Thursday (pay day) until Saturday, maybe Sunday...

After another weekend of substance abuse I am left feeling very low, stressed, tired and extremely tearful, I am also very confused.

He very clearly 'wants' to use cocaine at the moment. Oh he knows it can't go on forever alright, he knows that it will progress and he will have to stop but for now I know he is happy using and his only real issue is that it upsets me and his family. If we would let him use in peace, then at this stage I think he'd be quiet happy too.

Being there for someone who is 'trying' to get better is one thing, being there for someone who isn't trying is another!

I must admit I do believe he will find sobriety in the long term but am starting to wonder whether I should move out in the mean time.. but that said I really don't want to move out either. It's just so hard

I suppose I find it hard because all I want is our happy ever after, but with this disease.. those are very rare.

As always, your thoughts and experiences will be appreciated.

Florence

One of the hardest things for me to learn is that my RAH is going to struggle with sobriety whether I'm around or not. My support and desire have little to do with whether or not he stays sober. His relapses weren't my fault, his sobriety wasn't dependent on me welcoming him back home. I dug in, got real comfortable with swinging between sadness and spitting anger, and tried to figure out what I needed to live my life without him. I got my own bank account, got a better job, tightened up my legal loose ends so my well-being, and our kids' well-being, isn't dependent on him. He's sober now, and our well-being still isn't dependent on him.

You don't have to decide what to do and do it all at once, but my thought is that when you're faced with an active addict, you need to be real real about what your life will look like if you stay, and what is possible for you if you decide you deserve better.

(You deserve better!)

xo

Pelican

Cocaine is an illegal substance.

Does your happily ever after include jail time for you and your partner due to drug related issues?
Does your happily ever after include financial disasters from the cost of supporting addiction?

I asked myself that while living with active alcoholism that included driving while intoxicated.

I wasn't willing to spend my one precious life paying for someone else's unacceptable behavior. That included the stress I was under from wondering each day as he drove home from work with an open container in the car - to the stress of wondering if there would be enough money to pay the bills, after buying more booze and cigarettes.

One of our members shared something on SR a few years ago. It had a profound impact on me, and I still keep it posted on my desk.

La Tee Da posted this:
"Confusion is mostly the result of magical thinking.
Reality is not very confusing at all"