Children...what to do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 16
Children...what to do?
As a ACOA, I struggle with this issue greatly.
I have a 16 mo old son, with an active A. We are well on our way to ending our relationship. I am wondering, how do I handle things? Looking for any advice.
Currently, I'm the primary caretaker and have been since my son was born. His father has historically been a part of his life when it's worked out for him-I would say he's been around an average of 3-4 days per week, until recently. (he's unraveled and disappeared frequently recently). I've set the boundary that he's not allowed to be around us unless he's sober; and I have had to enforce this a few times over the past year or so.
My worry-so, if we aren't together, then what? These past two weeks, as it's gotten more towards not being together-he's seen his son for a total of two hours. First off, I need to ensure my son's safety. Honestly, if he's not in recovery, I won't rely on him to care for our son. In my head, overnights are not even on the table. No way. The thought of him asking for visitation makes me a little crazy---seriously, he's been with him alone rarely. At the same time, I don't want to deny my son the chance to forge a relationship with his father, but I have his safety and well-being in mind too.
Second off, how do I explain to my son his father's inconsistent presence as he gets older and more aware of it? He loves his father, and his half brother. I know I don't have a crystal ball, but I do worry about the future....
Any thoughts, experiences...are appreciated. thank you.
I have a 16 mo old son, with an active A. We are well on our way to ending our relationship. I am wondering, how do I handle things? Looking for any advice.
Currently, I'm the primary caretaker and have been since my son was born. His father has historically been a part of his life when it's worked out for him-I would say he's been around an average of 3-4 days per week, until recently. (he's unraveled and disappeared frequently recently). I've set the boundary that he's not allowed to be around us unless he's sober; and I have had to enforce this a few times over the past year or so.
My worry-so, if we aren't together, then what? These past two weeks, as it's gotten more towards not being together-he's seen his son for a total of two hours. First off, I need to ensure my son's safety. Honestly, if he's not in recovery, I won't rely on him to care for our son. In my head, overnights are not even on the table. No way. The thought of him asking for visitation makes me a little crazy---seriously, he's been with him alone rarely. At the same time, I don't want to deny my son the chance to forge a relationship with his father, but I have his safety and well-being in mind too.
Second off, how do I explain to my son his father's inconsistent presence as he gets older and more aware of it? He loves his father, and his half brother. I know I don't have a crystal ball, but I do worry about the future....
Any thoughts, experiences...are appreciated. thank you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
A slogan that helps me when I start awfulizing about future events:
"Don't borrow from tomorrow"
To me, that means I need to focus on doing the next right thing for today. Stay present in this moment, and stop spending my precious day worrying over things that may not happen.
My personal experience with separating/divorcing an active alcoholic:
Get a few free consultations from lawyers to determine your rights as parent according to your community.
Do not try to force an active addict into active parentlng - everyone ends up disappointed.
As far as your son being aware of an absent father, your son will not be the only one in his classroom being raised by a single parent. Lots of kids are raised in single parent homes.
His normal will be "mom and me".
His understanding is that he gets love, nuturing, care and support from you. You are the one he trusts and loves unconditionally. That is perfectly okay.
The only reason he would feel that his home is incomplete, is if someone teaches him such.
"Don't borrow from tomorrow"
To me, that means I need to focus on doing the next right thing for today. Stay present in this moment, and stop spending my precious day worrying over things that may not happen.
My personal experience with separating/divorcing an active alcoholic:
Get a few free consultations from lawyers to determine your rights as parent according to your community.
Do not try to force an active addict into active parentlng - everyone ends up disappointed.
As far as your son being aware of an absent father, your son will not be the only one in his classroom being raised by a single parent. Lots of kids are raised in single parent homes.
His normal will be "mom and me".
His understanding is that he gets love, nuturing, care and support from you. You are the one he trusts and loves unconditionally. That is perfectly okay.
The only reason he would feel that his home is incomplete, is if someone teaches him such.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I hate so much to hear about your son's father ~ in all reality ~ his addiction will more than likely affect your son . . .but you still have a great opportunity to provide your son with the skills/tools to handle these effects.
From my experience, the best thing I could do for my daughters & granddaughters was to work on my own recovery ~ giving them a healthy parent/grandparent was a great gift.
This way I knew where to turn for answers to the tough questions, how to comfort them for the "no-shows", the empty promises, the disappointments, and the questions from the friends about "where's dad?"
Like Pelican said - his home will be complete with you so he will be Happy & content - especially as you pass on your recovery tools to him!
Just my e, s, & h - as I do this for the 2nd go round with my granddaughter. . .
PINK HUGS,
Rita
From my experience, the best thing I could do for my daughters & granddaughters was to work on my own recovery ~ giving them a healthy parent/grandparent was a great gift.
This way I knew where to turn for answers to the tough questions, how to comfort them for the "no-shows", the empty promises, the disappointments, and the questions from the friends about "where's dad?"
Like Pelican said - his home will be complete with you so he will be Happy & content - especially as you pass on your recovery tools to him!
Just my e, s, & h - as I do this for the 2nd go round with my granddaughter. . .
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 16
Thanks for the nuggets of wisdom ladies
....great point, Pelican, times like these I need to remember a day at a time. Time to go to another lawyer consultation. The last one, a year ago, was interesting cause the lawyer was the one that told me that when someone punches my walls, it could be considered a crime.
Pink acres...I need to strengthen my focus on my recovery for sure. It's so easy to focus on HIM-what he is or isn't doing, what he should do, etc...and that makes me crazy!!!! When there is really plenty I could be doing.
....great point, Pelican, times like these I need to remember a day at a time. Time to go to another lawyer consultation. The last one, a year ago, was interesting cause the lawyer was the one that told me that when someone punches my walls, it could be considered a crime.
Pink acres...I need to strengthen my focus on my recovery for sure. It's so easy to focus on HIM-what he is or isn't doing, what he should do, etc...and that makes me crazy!!!! When there is really plenty I could be doing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Alcoholics/addicts are not competent to parent. The safety and wellbeing of the child comes before all else.
Court supervised visitation, paid for by him, will help ensure the safety of this child. Any "A" worth his salt will likely lose interest in visitation under such circumstances. That's his choice.
Court supervised visitation, paid for by him, will help ensure the safety of this child. Any "A" worth his salt will likely lose interest in visitation under such circumstances. That's his choice.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
