AH quit rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 16
AH quit rehab
Dear friends,
It is a while since I posted (and i haven't posted many times). Just over a month ago I did the hardest thing I've ever done and told my AH he had to leave as his behaviour had become too damaging for me and our two young sons.
Since then, I have really learned the meaning of one day at a time and frequently one hour and one moment at a time. While I keep telling myself I have done the right thing, the weight and pressure I feel on top of me is huge. There are simply too many things that have happened in the last month to go into now (I could write a book), but to deal with the here and now....
My AH went into rehab about a week after I told him to leave (I took the boys away for a week and told him he had to be gone by the time we got back, which he did). He wrote to say that he would be gone for 4-8 weeks - so if he had stayed in for the minimum of 4 weeks, he would be getting out next Friday. Well i was working from home on Thursday just gone when our concerned neighbour called round to say that AH's car (which she had let me park in her driveway to keep it off a busy road) had gone. Within minutes another friend, told me as I was on the way to pick up sons from school, that they had seen AH in our village.
So it seems he busted out of rehab early. Apart from one terse message telling me that he was staying at a hotel in town "doubt U R 2 worried" (actually, I am, how can he think i'm not worried?!?), I have heard nothing from him. A mutual friend has spent some time with him and apparently he is drinking again. He only had 2 pints of beer in his company, but was staggering as he went back to his room, so the friend suspects he had been drinking before they met up. He spent the first night out of rehab at another friend's house but apparently the friend's wife was making it pretty clear he wasn't welcome, so since Friday to my knowledge he has been staying at this hotel. This is the sort of hotel that is essentially a pub/restaurant first and foremost, with some hotel rooms at the back. So not the place you'd choose for an alcoholic to stay after quitting rehab.
The gist of what i'm hearing from our mutual friend is things like he's lonely, he misses me, the other guys in rehab were in a much worse state than him, what's all the fuss about, etc etc. Sounds like he's pretty angry all round. Lots of quacking and Denial City.
I now have this nightmare situation where i had managed our sons' expectations that Daddy had gone away to work on his problems that were making him do things that we didn't like - but now he's back in town and at any time, we could just bump into him on the street. On Saturday I contrived to stay out of town and pick up groceries elsewhere and today we went into town and we didn't see him. BUT within 2 minutes of getting back to the house - the boys had just taken their coats off and run to the playroom - I saw him drive past our house. What would have happened if we had been walking along the road and we'd all seen each other?
I know this situation isn't sustainable.
I texted him back on Saturday morning after his text telling me where he was to say that I was indeed worried about him, I love him and asked if he wanted to meet up to talk about things? I haven't heard back.
In the morning I have to go to work (I really can't take more time off work), leaving the boys in the good care of our wonderful nanny/school. I feel horrendous at the thought of leaving them behind - as I type, I start to think I should in fact take the day off work and try to speak to him to lay down some ground rules??? My employers have been absolutely, 100% utterly fantastic so I guess they'll understand one more time....?
I feel like a prisoner in my own home and indeed in the village that we live in - how odd that the prospect of bumping into a man I have been with many years and have loved in all that time, leaves my stomach absolutely churning?? But that's how it is.
I don't know what to do - this forum is so great at giving help and i don't even know what help to ask for.
This is all so fvcking hard.
I have learned as I've gone through this just how incredibly damaged I have been by all of this and I know my own recovery will take a very long time, but I feel right now that I don't have a cat in hell's chance of getting anywhere near recovery right now as I'm stuck in this horrendous place.
Having said that, I have a wonderful Al-Anon group and a wonderful therapist - but each of them are only once a week and I can't get to more meetings because of work/childcare.
So, my dear friends at Sober Recovery.com - I am reaching out to you and sharing, and crying, and I'll stop typing now and hope for the best.
With love and thanks,
Senseofagoose. xxx
It is a while since I posted (and i haven't posted many times). Just over a month ago I did the hardest thing I've ever done and told my AH he had to leave as his behaviour had become too damaging for me and our two young sons.
Since then, I have really learned the meaning of one day at a time and frequently one hour and one moment at a time. While I keep telling myself I have done the right thing, the weight and pressure I feel on top of me is huge. There are simply too many things that have happened in the last month to go into now (I could write a book), but to deal with the here and now....
My AH went into rehab about a week after I told him to leave (I took the boys away for a week and told him he had to be gone by the time we got back, which he did). He wrote to say that he would be gone for 4-8 weeks - so if he had stayed in for the minimum of 4 weeks, he would be getting out next Friday. Well i was working from home on Thursday just gone when our concerned neighbour called round to say that AH's car (which she had let me park in her driveway to keep it off a busy road) had gone. Within minutes another friend, told me as I was on the way to pick up sons from school, that they had seen AH in our village.
So it seems he busted out of rehab early. Apart from one terse message telling me that he was staying at a hotel in town "doubt U R 2 worried" (actually, I am, how can he think i'm not worried?!?), I have heard nothing from him. A mutual friend has spent some time with him and apparently he is drinking again. He only had 2 pints of beer in his company, but was staggering as he went back to his room, so the friend suspects he had been drinking before they met up. He spent the first night out of rehab at another friend's house but apparently the friend's wife was making it pretty clear he wasn't welcome, so since Friday to my knowledge he has been staying at this hotel. This is the sort of hotel that is essentially a pub/restaurant first and foremost, with some hotel rooms at the back. So not the place you'd choose for an alcoholic to stay after quitting rehab.
The gist of what i'm hearing from our mutual friend is things like he's lonely, he misses me, the other guys in rehab were in a much worse state than him, what's all the fuss about, etc etc. Sounds like he's pretty angry all round. Lots of quacking and Denial City.
I now have this nightmare situation where i had managed our sons' expectations that Daddy had gone away to work on his problems that were making him do things that we didn't like - but now he's back in town and at any time, we could just bump into him on the street. On Saturday I contrived to stay out of town and pick up groceries elsewhere and today we went into town and we didn't see him. BUT within 2 minutes of getting back to the house - the boys had just taken their coats off and run to the playroom - I saw him drive past our house. What would have happened if we had been walking along the road and we'd all seen each other?
I know this situation isn't sustainable.
I texted him back on Saturday morning after his text telling me where he was to say that I was indeed worried about him, I love him and asked if he wanted to meet up to talk about things? I haven't heard back.
In the morning I have to go to work (I really can't take more time off work), leaving the boys in the good care of our wonderful nanny/school. I feel horrendous at the thought of leaving them behind - as I type, I start to think I should in fact take the day off work and try to speak to him to lay down some ground rules??? My employers have been absolutely, 100% utterly fantastic so I guess they'll understand one more time....?
I feel like a prisoner in my own home and indeed in the village that we live in - how odd that the prospect of bumping into a man I have been with many years and have loved in all that time, leaves my stomach absolutely churning?? But that's how it is.
I don't know what to do - this forum is so great at giving help and i don't even know what help to ask for.
This is all so fvcking hard.
I have learned as I've gone through this just how incredibly damaged I have been by all of this and I know my own recovery will take a very long time, but I feel right now that I don't have a cat in hell's chance of getting anywhere near recovery right now as I'm stuck in this horrendous place.
Having said that, I have a wonderful Al-Anon group and a wonderful therapist - but each of them are only once a week and I can't get to more meetings because of work/childcare.
So, my dear friends at Sober Recovery.com - I am reaching out to you and sharing, and crying, and I'll stop typing now and hope for the best.
With love and thanks,
Senseofagoose. xxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's all so hard and tiring, I know. For me the hardest thing is to understand that I am powerless over other people, places and things. That there was simply nothing I could do or say to get the drunken love of my live (lol) to stop drinking. In the end the only option for me was to leave and begin the slow recovery.
I hope you and your children find the right path to peace.
I hope you and your children find the right path to peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
Sorry for your pain
So sorry to hear of your troubles. It is truly staggering the amount of pain a legal, social lubricant can cause. I am 5 weeks separated from my AXfiance. I shudder to think that I was actually on a path to marry him. His kids are grown, one is ok, the other a mess. He had been living with me (sober, I thought), and my two kids, 16, and 13. I should have known he was either drinking or using his prescribed narcotic pain relievers for recreation. His worldview tanked, nothing was good, everyone was an a**hole, everything I or my kids did was inadequate.
So he's gone. Actually, he stormed off, and now seems baffled that I let it stay that way. We are in the midst of disentangling property. So today, early in the day, I get a normal text to discuss things (I will not engage him verbally), then an hour ago, a text asking me to return all of the jewelry he has ever given me so he can sell it. Oh, and I can be completely financially responsible for our co-owned property. Sad doesn't begin to scratch the surface. But I'm getting much better at not letting these intentional emotional RPG's get to me.
I know splitting a family is a terrible decision, but do you want your kids learning the unstable lessons of alcoholism? I'm an ACOA, and that's probably why I was involved with the fiance. In therapy (again) now, and Al-anon.
I wish you all of the best dealing with your situation. Stay strong! We are all friends here.
So he's gone. Actually, he stormed off, and now seems baffled that I let it stay that way. We are in the midst of disentangling property. So today, early in the day, I get a normal text to discuss things (I will not engage him verbally), then an hour ago, a text asking me to return all of the jewelry he has ever given me so he can sell it. Oh, and I can be completely financially responsible for our co-owned property. Sad doesn't begin to scratch the surface. But I'm getting much better at not letting these intentional emotional RPG's get to me.
I know splitting a family is a terrible decision, but do you want your kids learning the unstable lessons of alcoholism? I'm an ACOA, and that's probably why I was involved with the fiance. In therapy (again) now, and Al-anon.
I wish you all of the best dealing with your situation. Stay strong! We are all friends here.
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