Succubus

They say usually addicts were depressed or had anxiety at one point. I would say stuff started going downhill when my mom died I was 14 years old. I had to move in with my dad and stepmom. They had an affair after my mom was diagnosed so you know that was ackward. It wasnt so bad but my stepmom is just a really nagging controlling and insulting person, she would say my mom didnt care too much about us cuz she let us do whatever we wanted (my mom couldnt enforce rules as she was sick...) and all kinds of crap. I was tough and stayed away from all the pressures you face with in high school. I stayed there for 4 years and then when i was 17 i bounced out and started smoking drinking anything you can think of. I dont know why, it seems like in high school i was stronger than i am now which it shouldnt work like that. Ultimately I'm ashamed of everything ive done from then to now (I'm 22 now). Except giving birth to my son. After I had him i became addicted to opiates. I had a C-Section and they prescribed me percocet, and it just numbed my postpartem depression. When the scrip ran out i started buying them off the streets, when i couldnt find them i would drink all day and make my sons father take care of him so i could self medicate. I'm sick of being ashamed and going through this cycle of trying to sober up, then thinking about all the bad things ive done and how useless i am and then thinking oh a beer will take my mind of things or two or three....I want to be a good mom! Not the alcoholic chain smoking kind of mom who lets their kids run rampant through the streets and then losing them to child services. So I gotta stop now before its too late.

Terminally Unique

I would wager that your use of mood-altering substances had much to do with your decrease in fortitude, Succubus, and that much of it will return once you get off that stuff. What have you tried already to beat this thing? What do you plan to do differently this time around?

eh1988

You're only 22. It's good that you're realizing it now at such an early age. Time to sober up, if not for yourself then for your kids. Welcome to SR, this a great place to start

dorito281211

Everything that has happened to you is unfortunate, but fortunately it's in the past, you have your entire life in front of you. You decide how you want to proceed, if it's sober, you will need help, I recommend AA, it works, has since the 30s and CAN work for you if you let it/want it to.
There are ALL kinds of things on the Internet to get involved in, you CAN do this, you have to want it though.
Someone told me if I could work half as hard on my sobriety as I did on getting drunk ill be doing good--and guess what? I'm doing pretty good
Good luck to you

Purplecatlover

Your story may not have a happy beginning but that does not make you who you are, it is the rest of your story, who you choose to be. Kung Fu Panda 2

I had a horrible childhood too. I felt stronger in high school as well. I don't think our immature minds were ready to comprehend that amount of pain. Some primitive defense mechanism or something. Maybe denial.
But you can beat this. We're behind you.
Don't kill yourself with alcohol & make your child suffer the same pain that you've endured.
It's hard but there are lots of us here that overcome this addiction.
Keep reading & posting. Dont give up.

jobei

Hey Succubus! Welcome!! It's so great that you're recognizing this at 22... you have so much life to live and a lot of time to take care of yourself. When I was 22 I was in LOVE with alcohol... I made it my quest to surround myself with it. What a bad idea that was. 13 years later I wish I had got it back then.

You should make a plan of how you're going to stop drinking. You can achieve some if it by yourself but in my experience the only times I've managed to stop using have involved others helping me. When I remove those people or stop listening to them is when my relapses have happened. For me AA is the best way to go because it's readily available and free. Have you considered talking to your doctor? She/He might be able to point you towards the help you are searching for. Keep your head up my friend!

jocata

When I was growing up and in school, I had the determination and motivation to succeed and make something of myself too. Got really good grades, participated and excelled in sports. I was told I had a bright future. Then I discovered alcohol and drugs. Well, you know the rest of the story.

I know how you feel with the percocet. I abused oxys for some time. When I was battling cancer three years ago, I was prescribed tons of narcotics.

Today, I've got 2.5 months sober, and I'm getting that motivation back. If I can do it so can you. Read and post as much as you can. This site saved my life and many others.

Have you given any thought to a recovery program?

God bless.

CaiHong

Hi Succubus,

Your post threw a light on my own childhood. When I look at how strong and capable I was as a teenager till I started drinking. I would mention this to people how much of a more capable person I was then. Only till now, when Terminally Unique pointed out the fact that the alcohol has robbed you of that fortitude did it click that it was the alcohol that weakened me.

So here is the thing,
you are that strong teenager, the pills and alcohol are not you.
What you have done in the past is done.

I would strongly suggest getting into some sort of program to get as much support as you can. I use this forum and AA to stay sober.

You can do this, you are young and can change your life around.

I sincerely wish you all the best

CaiHong

jhonnyspa

succubus you came to the right place for help and admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery

macknacat

the NA Basic Text p3 "Only in desperation did we ask ourselves: Could it be the drugs?"

I asked myself that question. I answered it "yes" . I have been doing AA and NA for 16 yrs now... became the father that my son deserved. Became the son my parents deserved.

While i was on the phone to a sponsee a few minutes ago, a guy from the programs was here with his 9 yr old son. they were shooting skeet first, then went fishing down the road , then visited a "gator farm" and now are hiking on my place looking for shed deer/elk antlers. all while clearing taking joy in just being around each other.

Thats what REAL parenting looks like...

artsoul

Welcome Succubus!
I'm so sorry that you lost your mom - wow - and you were so young. Have you ever been to any counseling for that? I think we all carry around a certain amount of pain, but if we're prone to addiction, it becomes a perfect setup.

The trouble is, it just gets harder and harder to live with addiction. It really does take us over and run the show. The real you is still in there, though, so keep fighting for that person! I know you'll find hope and support at SR, just like I did. We can't do it alone........:ghug3

Olivia333

Welcome!!!

Listen, I've only been on this site for a few days and it's already helped me so you just feel proud of yourself that you signed up and your here, it's a step in the right direction.

Hang in there and we are all here if you need to talk. It sounds like your ready to get some help so maybe look into clinics around your area that you could go to that would offer you some help.

Hang in there and stay strong. You have it in you so don't give up.

instant

Drugs eat away at all we are until there is nothing left. Get started while you can. Welcome.