How do you build (or rebuild) your social life?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Norway
Posts: 169
How do you build (or rebuild) your social life?
Greetings to all,
My first serious attempt to quit started at 1st February and I went 30 days sober with a relapse in early March. Now it's been 7 days again and I try to work my recovery plan in order to prevent the relapse. What I'm thinking of is how to substitute my free time (especially evenings!) with any kind of social activities. I'm an introvert and alcohol made it even worse, I'm a full blown social phobic and dread any type of communication with unfamiliar people. But I understand that I need this BADLY and NOW because I'm already 30 and the life is passing by quickly.
Here are my ideas and attempts:
- I have joined a fitness club, but have a severe panic when entering a gym. I enter with my eyes down and hardly say hello to anyone except the some trainers. I thought about group classes such but it doesn't seem possible for now. So I ended up with hiring a personal trainer for 3 workouts a week, it seems much easier. Pretty expensive, but it's all I can do for now. Lost several pounds though.
- Want to take language classes, but I shake with fear thinking about working in a small group. My main goal is not only to improve language skills, but to learn some communication and heck, maybe I can talk to a girl there (what a dreamer lol). Still can't pick up a phone and sign up...
Has anyone else gone through these challenges of socializing sober? Any fellow social anxiety sufferers? Please share your experience and socializing plans for benefit of many here.
My first serious attempt to quit started at 1st February and I went 30 days sober with a relapse in early March. Now it's been 7 days again and I try to work my recovery plan in order to prevent the relapse. What I'm thinking of is how to substitute my free time (especially evenings!) with any kind of social activities. I'm an introvert and alcohol made it even worse, I'm a full blown social phobic and dread any type of communication with unfamiliar people. But I understand that I need this BADLY and NOW because I'm already 30 and the life is passing by quickly.
Here are my ideas and attempts:
- I have joined a fitness club, but have a severe panic when entering a gym. I enter with my eyes down and hardly say hello to anyone except the some trainers. I thought about group classes such but it doesn't seem possible for now. So I ended up with hiring a personal trainer for 3 workouts a week, it seems much easier. Pretty expensive, but it's all I can do for now. Lost several pounds though.
- Want to take language classes, but I shake with fear thinking about working in a small group. My main goal is not only to improve language skills, but to learn some communication and heck, maybe I can talk to a girl there (what a dreamer lol). Still can't pick up a phone and sign up...
Has anyone else gone through these challenges of socializing sober? Any fellow social anxiety sufferers? Please share your experience and socializing plans for benefit of many here.
Member of the RESISTANCE
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 99
When I got into recovery, I dropped my alcoholic friends and spent time with those who didn't drink the way I did. I made at least 3 AA meetings a week.
If I had an evening to myself I spent it reading Stephen King. The King books were a lifeline for me in the early days and I would read and read, then read some more. Eat sugary stuff and get plenty of rest. That's how I nailed it.
If I had an evening to myself I spent it reading Stephen King. The King books were a lifeline for me in the early days and I would read and read, then read some more. Eat sugary stuff and get plenty of rest. That's how I nailed it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 58
Hey Freddy,
I completely understand what your talking about!!! I feel like I'm a different person now and every social situation sober seems scary. I get bad anxiety if there are too many people around (like in a mall etc.)
I'm no expert, but I think we just have to force ourselves (slowly of course) to get out there. Start with small things. I think what your doing is awesome, joining the gym and taking classes sounds like a great start.
I will call up a friend and go for a walk down in the parks, there are still people around but it's not super crowded. Sometimes I go by myself, listen to my IPOD and take long walks around the river.
When I was high I could go anywhere and do anything. I could go to concerts no problem, I had this self confidence. You just need to build your self confidence once again and remember your just getting use to all these experiences being sober, don't be too hard on yourself, just do little things like your doing.
We have to be patient and just start off small, I think your on the right track. Hang in there and don't give up.
Olivia
I completely understand what your talking about!!! I feel like I'm a different person now and every social situation sober seems scary. I get bad anxiety if there are too many people around (like in a mall etc.)
I'm no expert, but I think we just have to force ourselves (slowly of course) to get out there. Start with small things. I think what your doing is awesome, joining the gym and taking classes sounds like a great start.
I will call up a friend and go for a walk down in the parks, there are still people around but it's not super crowded. Sometimes I go by myself, listen to my IPOD and take long walks around the river.
When I was high I could go anywhere and do anything. I could go to concerts no problem, I had this self confidence. You just need to build your self confidence once again and remember your just getting use to all these experiences being sober, don't be too hard on yourself, just do little things like your doing.
We have to be patient and just start off small, I think your on the right track. Hang in there and don't give up.
Olivia
Last edited by Olivia333; 03-11-2012 at 11:33 AM. Reason: Ooops wrong name. :)
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
7 days. 1 week. Anxiety, phobia, fears were all I had at one week. Like you, I knew something had to change and change fast. I ended up at an AA meeting because there were people like me going through what I was going through. I couldn't be the only newly sober person going through this stuff.
With all my resolve, I entered the room and sat down, said my name. I found out I wasn't the only newly sober person going through this stuff. Slowly I made some "friends." Slowly I picked up the phone. Soon enough, I had people to hang out with. We did sober activities. I learned how to speak in small and large groups. I found someone to guide me through the steps. I found out a lot of good things about me. I work the steps into my daily life today.
I am not alone today. My fears, phobias and anxiety are rare. I can talk in small and large groups. I can have a short conversation with strangers over the telephone (not just taking care of business, but engaging in a chat).
Today, I am at home, alone, but my laundry is getting done, food is being cooked for the week, and tomorrow I join the world of work, again. Phone calls to friends and online in between.
Not too excited nor too anxious over this new employment (substitute teaching), just feeling like I can accomplish anything. Friends to hang out with tomorrow evening (my old sponsor is celebrating something like 27 years --I forget, but I won't be alone). Tuesday, maybe subbing again, then off to the AA office to answer the phones. Who knows what the future brings, but I know I am not alone today.
Beats sitting alone and drinking. Today, I have 300 days sober. Wow. Look what I can accomplish, with the help of others who know what it's like.
I wish you sobriety, one day at a time.
Hugs,
With all my resolve, I entered the room and sat down, said my name. I found out I wasn't the only newly sober person going through this stuff. Slowly I made some "friends." Slowly I picked up the phone. Soon enough, I had people to hang out with. We did sober activities. I learned how to speak in small and large groups. I found someone to guide me through the steps. I found out a lot of good things about me. I work the steps into my daily life today.
I am not alone today. My fears, phobias and anxiety are rare. I can talk in small and large groups. I can have a short conversation with strangers over the telephone (not just taking care of business, but engaging in a chat).
Today, I am at home, alone, but my laundry is getting done, food is being cooked for the week, and tomorrow I join the world of work, again. Phone calls to friends and online in between.
Not too excited nor too anxious over this new employment (substitute teaching), just feeling like I can accomplish anything. Friends to hang out with tomorrow evening (my old sponsor is celebrating something like 27 years --I forget, but I won't be alone). Tuesday, maybe subbing again, then off to the AA office to answer the phones. Who knows what the future brings, but I know I am not alone today.
Beats sitting alone and drinking. Today, I have 300 days sober. Wow. Look what I can accomplish, with the help of others who know what it's like.
I wish you sobriety, one day at a time.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I'm in the same boat as you FreddyBear, so I prob couldn't offer anything useful, just to say you are not alone. I'm early in recovery so I'm purposely avoiding any social situations at the moment so I don't get stressed and relapse. I will start doing things again but very slowly. I know it's not good to be isolated but right now I feel like I need it. Good luck with your endeavors x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: casablanca
Posts: 282
It seems to me that alcohol alone is not the problem since you said you were a full blown social phobic. I used to have panic attack for as long as I can remember. When i started to try quitting alcohol I also had to address the panic attack situation since I knew that I could not rely on alcohol when it come to the attacks anymore. I went and saw a psychiatrist and have gotten over the attacks using prescription meds. As for alcohol; I joined AA, I found great people in the rooms. Reason I mentioned the meds is because even after joining AA I could never share, only after seeing a Doctor that I could easily share my experiences strength and hopes in front of a room full of people. I am only sharing here my experience regarding my sobriety while suffering from panic attacks.
Celebrating Recovery
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 46
Can i just suggest anyone suffering from Social Phobia, have you heard of NLP? I had SP which is why I started drinking all day every day. You are very, very brave to stop drinking still having the condition - I know I never could have. In fact I didn't. I had to get rid of the SP first. With NLP it took 90 minutes and I was better.
I'm still a little funny about using the phone sometimes, but no agoraphobic symptoms, no fear of eating in front of people, no fear of social situations. To anyone who did not know me before, I am normal. It was the best day of my life, joint-tied with the day I finally got sober. Yes I did that thing of thinking I'd drink normally after my reason for drinking was gone.
If you've never heard of it, google NLP / Neuro-linguistic programming. It was a godsend for me.
I'm still a little funny about using the phone sometimes, but no agoraphobic symptoms, no fear of eating in front of people, no fear of social situations. To anyone who did not know me before, I am normal. It was the best day of my life, joint-tied with the day I finally got sober. Yes I did that thing of thinking I'd drink normally after my reason for drinking was gone.
If you've never heard of it, google NLP / Neuro-linguistic programming. It was a godsend for me.
And the walls.....
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
90 meetings in 90 days, very important IMO. More if needed, I know a lot of people that do 2-3 a day.
For the first year, I'd like to suggest no major changes, main priority is staying sober.
Meetings, lots of them, and service work - start chairing a meeting.
No changes in relationships either, seems to work.
Anxiety attacks, they suck but they will go away. It took me several years before I could go in a large store and not have the walls and ceilings coming in on me.
Don't use, hit meetings, work the steps.
It's simple - not easy....
For the first year, I'd like to suggest no major changes, main priority is staying sober.
Meetings, lots of them, and service work - start chairing a meeting.
No changes in relationships either, seems to work.
Anxiety attacks, they suck but they will go away. It took me several years before I could go in a large store and not have the walls and ceilings coming in on me.
Don't use, hit meetings, work the steps.
It's simple - not easy....
Celebrating Recovery
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 46
No it's nothing to do with CBT. It's a completely different thing. It's quite hard to explain what it is as it's not a talking therapy or anything. It basically works using your neurology. The best way I can describe it is you know how certain music can make you feel hap[ppy or sad - that's a response from your brain. Well NLP can scramble that signal,which is why ot works so well on phobias. It's like it 'ruins' your phobic reaction. Hard to explain, but very very cool
Celebrating Recovery
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 46
Blimey gr8 well done for being brave - but you don't need to do that. Absolutely I recommend AA but not for Social Phobia. For that hands down NLP. I tried CBT and everything else and it didn't work. After 90 mins of NLP I was better - I actually skipped down the street after that. Daft but it felt amazing
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 868
Hey FreddyBear. I don't have too much social anxiety, so I don't really have any advice. Sounds like what you are doing is a great start. AA meetings have really helped me overcome my fear of speaking in front of people. Like someone else posted, it is a greatt way to meet great friends. My best friends are in AA.
Just wanted to encourage you. Stay sober and work a program, it will slowly get better.
God bless.
Just wanted to encourage you. Stay sober and work a program, it will slowly get better.
God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Norway
Posts: 169
Thanks everyone for some good tips. I spend a great deal of my time alone except for the gym. As for S.A., I use avoidance behavior and don't look people in eyes so I suppose I'm on the very bottom of this problem. Alcohol helped with that.
Reading is also a good option, spent about 3 hrs tomorrow and forgot about anything.
Nut sure I understand the concept of NLP, whether it is a self-therapy or I should go see a shrink. But will give a shot to anything that can possibly help.
Thanks again!
Reading is also a good option, spent about 3 hrs tomorrow and forgot about anything.
Nut sure I understand the concept of NLP, whether it is a self-therapy or I should go see a shrink. But will give a shot to anything that can possibly help.
Thanks again!
Celebrating Recovery
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 46
Freddy, you would go and see an 'NLP Practitioner', not a shrink. You CAN do NLP on yourself, but only when you know a fair amount about it or have ben trained. Once I had been 'cured' I trained in it and I now help other people using the same method, which is great
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
HI Freddie, Are you seeing a medical doctor & getting help with some meds? I have struggled with anxiety for many years but have found that my anxiety has lessened considerably since quitting alcohol.
There is also a Anxiety forum as well if you are interested: Anxiety Disorders - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Take care & all of the best in your recovery. Cheers ~ NB
There is also a Anxiety forum as well if you are interested: Anxiety Disorders - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Take care & all of the best in your recovery. Cheers ~ NB
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
FreddyBear, it's time to practice socializing. It's the best way to get over your fear. I use to be afraid of social events and would just stay in the corner and don't talk to anyway. The only way to get over it is to get out there and practice. Sometime you will feel stupid of what you said and wishing you didn't say something but it will pass and truly no one cares. Join a club on meetup.com. Good way to meet new place with the same interest.
So get out there. No one will bite you.
So get out there. No one will bite you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
But I understand that I need this BADLY and NOW because I'm already 30 and the life is passing by quickly.
The fact is you're 30 - I understand you might feel that way but life is NOT passing you by
It's been 7 days - maybe just being sober is enough for now?
I actually took several months out of socialising - I really wanted to work on my recovery - and also work a little on myself - I had anxiety too, but I also had self esteem issues and, as I eventually realised, I'd never spent much time with myself. I was uncomfortable in my own company.
I'm grateful for that me time - I did iron out a lot of my problems - with some counselling help, and when I did go back into society, not only was I secure in my recovery but I was way more secure in myself too.
Just a thought
I really am proof that even 40 is not too late to turn your life around...you have a good 10 years on me - looking back, those few months were just a blip in my journey, but they were time well spent
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
Originally Posted by Dee74 
The fact is you're 30 - I understand you might feel that way but life is NOT passing you by
It's been 7 days - maybe just being sober is enough for now?
I actually took several months out of socialising - I really wanted to work on my recovery - and also work a little on myself - I had anxiety too, but I also had self esteem issues and, as I eventually realised, I'd never spent much time with myself. I was uncomfortable in my own company
It's been 7 days - maybe just being sober is enough for now?
I actually took several months out of socialising - I really wanted to work on my recovery - and also work a little on myself - I had anxiety too, but I also had self esteem issues and, as I eventually realised, I'd never spent much time with myself. I was uncomfortable in my own company
And the walls.....
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by BethS
Freddy, you would go and see an 'NLP Practitioner', not a shrink. You CAN do NLP on yourself, but only when you know a fair amount about it or have ben trained. Once I had been 'cured' I trained in it and I now help other people using the same method, which is great
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
FWIW, social phobias are also a big part of alcoholism....
For me, I tried to keep sobriety and recovery first and foremost on my list of priorities. That meant giving up some of the social things I wanted to do. Hell, all I'd done was focus on my social life and I see where that got me.
I worked on recovery....on sobriety.....on incorporating change into my life. The social stuff straightened itself out along the way. .....interesting how getting involved in recovery seems to fix almost everything.
For me, I tried to keep sobriety and recovery first and foremost on my list of priorities. That meant giving up some of the social things I wanted to do. Hell, all I'd done was focus on my social life and I see where that got me.
I worked on recovery....on sobriety.....on incorporating change into my life. The social stuff straightened itself out along the way. .....interesting how getting involved in recovery seems to fix almost everything.
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