RECF

Hey SoberRecovery!
It's been awhile since I've been back. My AH showed up at my door at Thanksgiving, of course I gave in to him and was even thinking about going back to him when a friend of mine gave me a Reality Check.
So yes, back on the recovery road. Have to say those months in between Thanksgiving and now I REALLY let myself go. I don't have so much an addiction problem as I have an "Avoidance of Reality" problem. I have cleaned only to the bare minimum, my finances are a disaster, my professional life doesn't look too good either. But I DO feel better knowing that a major decision has been made.
Dear God, I pray that I don't put myself on that same fence going back and forth again!
The whole reason I allowed him into the apt on Thanksgiving (and then after) was because I had been SO depressed and trying SO hard to make new friends and connections and SO insecure that I felt "Anything is better than this".
I think most, I need to find a way through my tendency to avoid reality - too much TV, too many books, using 'stress' or 'depression' as an excuse to indulge myself... it's only setting me back.
BUT I started to read this book called "Creative Visualization" about how to envision and then realize your goals... kinda New Age-y, but hey, whatever works, right?
The future is scary and exciting at the same time. I have no idea what I am doing with myself and sometimes I wonder if the years with my husband (and all the strange and horrifying things I had to witness) have changed me. I hope not.

fourmaggie

"Back on recovery road"...love, you NEVER leave this road...its for life...and a lifechange...

just wondering if your still in denial...time to refocus and figure that out....

RECF

Denial of what?

Tuffgirl

Sounds like an exciting journey is underway! Thanks for the update, RECF. You are inspiring to many here.

wicked

I remember that book! And it was quite fun to read and visualize a new way of looking at myself and my life. Another one you might like is "It's Only too Late if you Don't start now." Sort of helping to get up and do something positive.

I personally believe the only thing my ex changed about me was I became more cautious and scared of people. Put up more walls, moats and the razor wire. Since I have been in recovery, I have knocked down some of the "fortress around my heart" and become more open.

I guess I am saying he did not change you, you might have changed yourself in reaction to abnormal circumstances, but once you get out, you will let out the real you. Not changed, just hiding for safety.

Beth

RECF

Oh, YES! I have the worst social anxiety now. I think that's why I so frequently isolate myself at the moment (and why it's so easy for me to slip into my bad habits)... which is the WORST thing to do. You know, like Leprosy hates sunlight. Shine some light on that sucker!

THANKS so much for your support! I will check out your book (though probably not until next month). I've started keeping a journal of some of the exercises from that book. No miracles yet, but they're a-coming!

SoberMan2012

Welcome back!!!!!!!! SR is so helpful for me. Hope it is the same for you!

RECF

Hi, I'm going to use this thread as a place for me to post my recovery-related thoughts... if that's okay (I figure it is).
A couple of things...
First, I mentioned that I had allowed my AH briefly back in. I had allowed myself to become indulgent which, for me, means that I stop trying. I stop trying to find a better job, I stop trying to dress attractively, I stop cleaning a much, I stop trying to keep up my health... everything. It made a wonderful backdrop for my husband to return!:rotfxko
So it's really only been this month I have been working it out again... how to progress WITHOUT getting anxious or expecting too much or trying to change EVERYTHING - you know... The "I'm going to change everything about myself starting NOW!" Fallacy.
Actually, even writing you guys has been amazing.
I went to a meeting I like yesterday and walked out having agreed to be the Chairperson for the next month... how crazy is that?!?
Then there is other stuff.
HONESTY MINUTE: I never ACTUALLY filed for divorce. I lied to everyone about it.
I SENT THE DIVORCE PAPERS TODAY!
1 year late, but better late than never...
I need to stay grounded. I'm still petrified. Part of the reason I couldn't accept divorce is that I'm 34. I always thought I would have a family and I'm at the point now that I have to admit to myself that it might just not be in the cards for me. I have to accept that. "Let Go and Let God" as they say.
I got a call from my Ex's Aunt (he's staying with her when he couldn't pay tuition for last semester's PhD program... sucks when the A is so talented and brilliant!). He's been stealing from her and that he's clearly on something. I told her his symptoms for each of the drugs he likes to take to figure out which one he was on (sick how I RECOGNIZE stuff like this )
Anyway... I'm just glad I'm making a move away from him and toward myself.
Here's praying for me! I'm lifting a glass to myself that I may feel secure in myself, that I feel confident in myself and that I continue on this journey, staying positive and optimistic and I don't let excuses of depression or anxiety keep me from living!