Marytherboo

Has anyone here had their A commit suicide? As AH spirals downward into his disease without anyone left who will rescue or enable him, I truly think he may choose to end it all.

I understand there's nothing I can do to help him now. I understand that he will just drink himself to death anyway if he doesn't change his direction. But I'm not good enough at detaching yet to face the thought of him killing himself feeling totally unloved and despairing.

I know I can't control it, and I genuinely don't want to involve myself in the situation. But I can tell this fear and anxiety are threatening my resolve. Any suggestions on how to deal with it so I can stay steadfastly focused on taking care of myself instead of being sucked back in?

naive

perhaps you will discover the answer to your question through prayer. i believe that every selfless heartfelt prayer is answered.

zxcirce

Just as you know you cannot stop him if he truly decides to end his life, please also know that there is nothing you personally can do to stop him. It's not up to you. Don't take on the responsibility for someone else's existence. It's not your place. You are not special enough to change anyone's mind.

Harsh? Maybe. But it is one of the most important things I have had to learn, myself. Painful and difficult, but necessary.

tjp613

I've had to face that question, too....worried and anxious that my son might just end it all by slamming a bunch of heroin to end his suffering. Part of how I reconcile it has to do with my belief that we are spiritual beings having a human experience...that this reality is a construct of our human mind. I believe he chose extreme suffering in order to learn and advance in his development. If he were to die that way, then I too have a lesson to learn from it, and it is my purpose to understand what the lesson is. He has moved on to the spiritual realm (and quite ecstatic to be there) while I am left here to learn and grow from it. Perhaps I move on to volunteer at a rehab center, or teach young children about the dangers of drinking and drugging, or I teach others how to thrive in the midst of chaos (like the mentors here at SR and in Al-Anon). You have the choice to let it destroy you or make you better.

That's how I live with those fears. I hope you can find a way, too. ((((Hugs))))

In other words.... it will all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, then it's not the end.

RECF

Last month my AH called me (we dont live together) and all of his family members that he had destroyed his computer and was leaving any valuable items to us. I was the only member of the family to call the crisis hotline on his behalf and send someone over to check on him. They admitted him into the emergency psyche ward. He was there for three days at which point his aunt collected him.

Now, in my case, he claims that everybody misunderstood him (even though they can't admit you unless you admit you intended to "harm yourself or others"). My point is: Take it seriously enough to make a phone call, have someone check on him, notify the authorities, notify his family BUT don't get drawn into the drama if you can.

I hate to say it, but during this drama, I couldn't help but think how much less stress I would have in my life. What I want to know is what do you do about the guilt of thinking things like that?

tjp613

I think you reach out to others just as you are doing here to understand that you are NOT alone in this kind of thinking. This is normal ...and it is true! You WOULD be under much less stress and we all desire that state in our lives. It's OKAY to want that for yourself. Feelings are not right or wrong...they are just feelings. And it's OKAY, even healthy, to allow yourself to feel them.

BuffaloGal

My aexh, ever prone to depression and risky hobbies, was in a serious accident a few months ago (risky hobby related, not alcohol related) that could just as easily have killed him as just shattered his ankle.

Yes, I considered for a moment that my life would be simpler if he had died. I'd have full charge of my daughter; she wouldn't be exposed to alcoholism anymore, and I'd never have to deal with his mind-bogglingly bossy girlfriend ever again. And I'm not wrong about any of this, that's exactly what would occur.

I also reflected that I was glad he isn't dead because I care deeply about him, and while it looks unlikely to me that he has the strength to confront his demons, where there's life there's hope.

I don't feel guilty, I feel normal. I'm not responsible for every thought that wanders through my mind, only for those I choose to repeat or indulge. I think it's human to feel multiple ways about situations, positive and negative.

Willybluedog

Many years ago I was in love with a beautiful girl, she modeled part-time, she had the most wonderful laugh and she had a wonderful little boy. Sadly that was not enough for her, I loved her so much, I would have done anything for her, yet she tried again and again to end her life. I would go see her after she had shock therapy and she would be her old self, we would walk and talk and laugh, but it would not last. She finally pushed me away for good, refused to see me.

Two months after I finally gave up, she died the most horrible death, I know because a friend of a friend was a policeman, and he told my friend how she died and he relayed it to me not knowing I knew her. I still see the image he saw in her last moments in my mind, she was till alive and her piercing blue eyes cut through him before she died.

I still love her, but I prayed, I forgave myself for not being able to save her, and I forgave her for giving up on life and all those that loved her.

My advice to you:

You cannot live your life for him and you cannot hold yourself responsible for his choices.

Pray for guidance and strength, if he chooses to end his life it is between him and his HP.

I hope this helps you,

Bill

dbh

Recovery has taught me that I'm not that powerful. With the family members that I worry about, I try to turn things over to their higher power. I also pray a lot.

I wish love was enough to save people from themselves and their addictions.

Sadly, it is one of the many things I can not control.

Thank you for sharing and for letting me share.

db

NYCDoglvr

It does happen. The reason I finally crawled into AA on my hands and knees 20.5 years ago is because, in a blackout, I took a huge quantity of valium. I was lucky, a friend who knew I was home got worried when I didn't answer the phone, came into the apartment to find me. I didn't know why I tried to kill myself, to this day I don't know why. I woke up in the ER, strapped to a gurney, my stomach pumped. They held me three days in the regular ward of the hospital. Doctors made their rounds several times per day. "In this bed is diabetes" about my roommate, "in this bed is pill and alcohol."

It scared the s*it out of me, and remembering it keeps me sober and working a program.

The thing is, none of us know what anyone else will do so it's pointless to project. Picking up my first glass of wine that night, I had no wish to die. We can only take care of ourselves today and pray for others.

Marytherboo

Wow, you are amazing! I'm incredibly touched at the thoughtfulness and wisdom that I was offered in this thread. I wept, I smiled, I felt the clarity return to my frazzled mind and even the beginnings of peace wrapping around my heart.

Of course I can't control whether AH kills himself or not, just as I could never control whether or not he drank. And I can't protect myself from all grief or pain or loss either. Those are part of life, I'm hard-wired to experience those and to learn and grow from them. What I can do is be grateful I could detach from AH while my love for him remained, while I have spirit and hope enough left to rebuild towards happiness, while the memories of the good times are still sweet and strong. In the words of a wise friend, "Love is always good. It's the other stuff that hurts."

So for now I'm letting myself feel my feelings as they swirl around me, trying not to cling to any of them. I'm praying like crazy for myself and for him. And I'm focussing on being grateful--for all the blessings I have and all the gifts I've been given. If life brings more heartache, at least now I'm not alone or so entangled with someone else's crazy that I can't see my own.

Regardless of what AH chooses to do, I can make my life reflect who I am and who I want to become. I can name my mistakes and learn from them. And I can celebrate every moment of peace and hope and joy that come my way, the better to weather the inevitable heartaches along the way. The fear will no doubt come back again, but I'm not afraid right now, and I'll remember how that feels. Thank you all. My heart is in a new and better place because of you today.

Noodler

Mary,

Thank you for the above posts.

Im learning from how you are doing this and from how you are learning from others.

You answer my fears, my doubts, my indecision, my understanding of whats going on in my world.

I hear what wiser people are saying and it helps me enormously coming to terms with my situation.

My RAH s brother committed suicide 6 years ago. And when this blew I suppose my first thoughts, actions etc. was to enable him so he wouldnt get to the same stage.

But, I am now willing to accept that was wrong. Im learning to free myself from all that responsibility and although Im feeling the chains falling off and feeling relief, I didnt realise it would be painful also. This I am learning is ok and as it should be, its not going to be fine (as I ve always told myself) and thats ok. So Im learning thru SR how to get through those times, like you.

Thank You xxx

jessiec

My heart goes out to you and everyone on this thread who has dealt with this.

EnglishGarden

Suicide is the result of major depression, which is a form of mental illness.

We are as powerless over major depression as we are powerless over addiction.

Both are diseases of the mind.

Even if he moved back home, Mary, you would still be powerless. You cannot cure his mind.

Mavis1

Dear Mary...you do go on, you do deal with it, you do live on, you have to beleive that. my alcoholic died last June and a day at a time I live on. I can only speak for myself but the pain and anxiety and fear and frustration and anger and all those awful torturous feelings are gone now. he is at peace, I stopped enabling him, taking care of him and realized he wasn't going to make it. it was ME that had been keeping him alive, he did not want it for himself. get as far away from it as you can, move on with your life, look forward and not back. it can be done. I can't actually beleive I'm saying this all because I was exactly where you are last year and the year before that and the year before that. I am a relatively happy person today, I don't worry about him anymore, no matter how much I loved him and wanted him to live I could not save him. they have to want it for themselves. so sorry you are going thru this, it is just so awful. my heart goes out to you. peace m