Is it possible to use and be ok?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
Is it possible to use and be ok?
Right before I ended my 6 year relationship, my ex told me that he was one of the rare few after years of not drinking that is ok drinking a few beers. I saw him do this no problem when I was around but no clue when I wasn't how far he had gone. Is it possible to just be ok again? I told him I he had a problem in the past, how can it be better? He just told me that he was mixing it with pills so that's y he got drunk so fast and didn't have an issue. He told me his new "love of his life" understands this and so happy he dosent have to put up with my bitching.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 43
Mixing it with pills? That is NOT "just OK". Quit beating yourself up over this. You are much better off being away from him as he is going through the same cycle again. Get yourself some help- counseling, al anon, and this forum. The best thing you can do is take care of you and educate yourself about this disease.
Once you do, you can make a much more informed decision as to weather you want to spend the rest of your life taking care of an alchoholic and drug user. You can learn how to cope with living with one, or figure out how to break the cycle of codependency, choosing a partner without these tendencies. My search for peace and sanity continues as well.
Once you do, you can make a much more informed decision as to weather you want to spend the rest of your life taking care of an alchoholic and drug user. You can learn how to cope with living with one, or figure out how to break the cycle of codependency, choosing a partner without these tendencies. My search for peace and sanity continues as well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by RoundII 
Mixing it with pills? That is NOT "just OK". Quit beating yourself up over this. You are much better off being away from him as he is going through the same cycle again. Get yourself some help- counseling, al anon, and this forum. The best thing you can do is take care of you and educate yourself about this disease.
Once you do, you can make a much more informed decision as to weather you want to spend the rest of your life taking care of an alchoholic and drug user. You can learn how to cope with living with one, or figure out how to break the cycle of codependency, choosing a partner without these tendencies. My search for peace and sanity continues as well.
Once you do, you can make a much more informed decision as to weather you want to spend the rest of your life taking care of an alchoholic and drug user. You can learn how to cope with living with one, or figure out how to break the cycle of codependency, choosing a partner without these tendencies. My search for peace and sanity continues as well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Justrae,
I believe I recognize your thinking so well.
Because after she has lost the addict, it is very very common for the codependent to wish she could have a second chance, to wish she had behaved differently, had made different decisions, had thought different thoughts, had done it all differently. All of it. Then maybe she'd still have him.
One of the reasons this happens is that often we break off with the addict when we reach a breaking point. We cannot endure for another minute the sick and painful relationship we are in with the addict. So one day suddenly we actually say NO to him. NO MORE. I AM MORE THAN THIS. I DESERVE BETTER. I AM DONE.
And we LEAVE.
Then, after our adrenaline settles, and he is gone, and he isn't calling us, he is gone, and probably forever we think, then we want to take it all back.
This is when codependents pick up the phone and try to get the addict back. This is our disease.
When it doesn't work and he doesn't come back--for whatever reason--we crumble. We are in disbelief that we have lost our beloved addict, and we want to turn back time and change everything we did or thought which we think was OUR FAULT and the REASON WE LOST HIM.
I use capital letters there, because this sick thinking is what breaks the codependent and keeps her in hell. Believing that if she had just accepted his drugging and his neglect, had just not set any boundaries, had just not asked for too much, had just understood him better, had just been sweeter and more loving and more fun and had just been THE BEST EVER for him, then she would still have him.
And when we find out that he apparently is not suffering after the break-up but instead is out there living it up while we are curled on the floor crying our eyes out, we think IF ONLY I HAD GIVEN HIM EVERYTHING HE WANTED.
These are the chains of the addict-codependent relationship.
You are now questioning whether or not you might have had it wrong about him, that maybe he was healthy and fine after all, and could maybe use this or that drug really, and that maybe you were the one who was the problem, and the fact that he is a DRUG ADDICT was never the real problem, and you blew things out of proportion, and it is killing you because you think it is your fault you lost him..........
This is our disease. It is the result of being in a relationship with an addict and being made sick by it.
If this is what is happening for you right now, it is what has happened for many of us. And we have to get better. We are out of our minds when we think this way and we must get better.
Your ex is high all the time. He uses people like he uses drugs. And he will continue to do so.
You did nothing wrong.
And to answer your question, any mind-altering substance is a drug. If he is drinking he is not sober. If he is taking opiates, he is not sober. ANY mind-altering substance. Sobriety is total abstinence. He is an active user.
Please take good care of yourself. Your mind will settle eventually. What happened had to happen. No one lives happily ever after with an active addict.
I believe I recognize your thinking so well.
Because after she has lost the addict, it is very very common for the codependent to wish she could have a second chance, to wish she had behaved differently, had made different decisions, had thought different thoughts, had done it all differently. All of it. Then maybe she'd still have him.
One of the reasons this happens is that often we break off with the addict when we reach a breaking point. We cannot endure for another minute the sick and painful relationship we are in with the addict. So one day suddenly we actually say NO to him. NO MORE. I AM MORE THAN THIS. I DESERVE BETTER. I AM DONE.
And we LEAVE.
Then, after our adrenaline settles, and he is gone, and he isn't calling us, he is gone, and probably forever we think, then we want to take it all back.
This is when codependents pick up the phone and try to get the addict back. This is our disease.
When it doesn't work and he doesn't come back--for whatever reason--we crumble. We are in disbelief that we have lost our beloved addict, and we want to turn back time and change everything we did or thought which we think was OUR FAULT and the REASON WE LOST HIM.
I use capital letters there, because this sick thinking is what breaks the codependent and keeps her in hell. Believing that if she had just accepted his drugging and his neglect, had just not set any boundaries, had just not asked for too much, had just understood him better, had just been sweeter and more loving and more fun and had just been THE BEST EVER for him, then she would still have him.
And when we find out that he apparently is not suffering after the break-up but instead is out there living it up while we are curled on the floor crying our eyes out, we think IF ONLY I HAD GIVEN HIM EVERYTHING HE WANTED.
These are the chains of the addict-codependent relationship.
You are now questioning whether or not you might have had it wrong about him, that maybe he was healthy and fine after all, and could maybe use this or that drug really, and that maybe you were the one who was the problem, and the fact that he is a DRUG ADDICT was never the real problem, and you blew things out of proportion, and it is killing you because you think it is your fault you lost him..........
This is our disease. It is the result of being in a relationship with an addict and being made sick by it.
If this is what is happening for you right now, it is what has happened for many of us. And we have to get better. We are out of our minds when we think this way and we must get better.
Your ex is high all the time. He uses people like he uses drugs. And he will continue to do so.
You did nothing wrong.
And to answer your question, any mind-altering substance is a drug. If he is drinking he is not sober. If he is taking opiates, he is not sober. ANY mind-altering substance. Sobriety is total abstinence. He is an active user.
Please take good care of yourself. Your mind will settle eventually. What happened had to happen. No one lives happily ever after with an active addict.
IsItAlright
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
Thanks English garden! This is also what I need to here this evening. I just got back home after a date. Had really great time. We went to art museum, had dinner, talked a lot. But now, back at home, I'm thinking about my exABF, wonder why this couldn't be him instead... I miss him and wanna text him.
I wonder if I didn't support him enough when he told me ghat he had hard time giving up alcohol and cocaine. I wonder if I could be sweeter and be more patient.. But yes, he actually just quack quack quack, he never work in program, just kept saying that he wanted to change but it's just talking.
I should be glad that I was too fiery to stay with him and put up with all crap. Even if I reacted different, he couldn't change as he's nit joining any program. I didn't cause it; I couldn't control it; I couldn't cure it, no matter what.
Just great that I read your post now.
I wonder if I didn't support him enough when he told me ghat he had hard time giving up alcohol and cocaine. I wonder if I could be sweeter and be more patient.. But yes, he actually just quack quack quack, he never work in program, just kept saying that he wanted to change but it's just talking.
I should be glad that I was too fiery to stay with him and put up with all crap. Even if I reacted different, he couldn't change as he's nit joining any program. I didn't cause it; I couldn't control it; I couldn't cure it, no matter what.
Just great that I read your post now.
IsItAlright
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
Sometimes, when I feel weak... I start to think 'am I taking something too serious?' Perhaps it's not that bad to be drunk and blackout twice a week... And it's ok to have cocaine sometimes? Am I just over reacting as I never got in touch with alcoholic and drug in my life? Many singers, celebrities and bankers are doing cocaine too.... And it's ok as long as he still has a job and not straying and not going to jail?
But it's progressive, right?
But it's progressive, right?
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
He told me his new "love of his life" understands this and so happy he dosent have to put up with my bitching.
I used to spend every waking moment either consciously or unconsciously trying to figure out what the hell was reality. Was he right? Is he crazy? Am I?
If you read through the thread titles here, you'll see tons of those questions. "Is he crazy or am I?" "What if she was right?!?"
For me, sanity didn't creep in until I stopped that game of mental and emotional gymnastics. Only then did I begin to have real freedom. True peace.
It takes intentionally turning my focus away from the A, or whatever it is I"m obsessing about, and instead putting it back onto the only thing I have any control over, any ability to fix: myself.
All you're dealing with here are thoughts, but once you change your thoughts from what ifs and maybe he's right to, "how can I improve my relationship with myself and make my life better?" You'll be amazed.
I would say the only thing that matters here is your boundaries, what you want in life and whether or not you're going out there and making it happen. Yes, our hearts can be broken. Yes, we need to walk through the pain and get to a better place, but that won't start until we intentionally push those thoughts away, right when they start, and refocus on ourselves.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
NO MORE. I AM MORE THAN THIS. I DESERVE BETTER. I AM DONE.
NO MORE. I AM MORE THAN THIS. I DESERVE BETTER. I AM DONE.
NO MORE. I AM MORE THAN THIS. I DESERVE BETTER. I AM DONE.
I so needed to see this...again and again....I AM WORTHY!! thank you @Englishgarden AND that is why i am in al anon...!!!
NO MORE. I AM MORE THAN THIS. I DESERVE BETTER. I AM DONE.
NO MORE. I AM MORE THAN THIS. I DESERVE BETTER. I AM DONE.
I so needed to see this...again and again....I AM WORTHY!! thank you @Englishgarden AND that is why i am in al anon...!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
Thank you English garden! Yeah even though I have heard this before, I still live with regrets. Because when I left he told me he can drink in moderation and I wanted to belive him soooooo badly cuz I loved him so much. I wanted him to change and he knew that. I hate that u were right in saying I am the one crying on the floor, while he is in love with some new girl and I am still left picking up the pieces of my heart. Addicts have a really really good way at manipulating you to think it was all your fault. He told me had changed and I must not love him because I can't let go of the past and need to forgive him. I couldn't forgive and forget.
The second I left he told me he found someone else, someone he loved and accepted all of him, I found myself begging him to take me back. Telling him how sorry I was and please forgive me. Je said it was to late and loved that she keeps no records of wrongs.. I have been texting him and crying for 2 months. He finally stopped returning my calls and emails and text. I woke up crying again wondering y I feel that is all I deserve and y I can't let him go. I guess that's my desease. I can't get the 2 of them out of my mind.
The second I left he told me he found someone else, someone he loved and accepted all of him, I found myself begging him to take me back. Telling him how sorry I was and please forgive me. Je said it was to late and loved that she keeps no records of wrongs.. I have been texting him and crying for 2 months. He finally stopped returning my calls and emails and text. I woke up crying again wondering y I feel that is all I deserve and y I can't let him go. I guess that's my desease. I can't get the 2 of them out of my mind.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
..or buy a book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing.
I've been in your same exact shoes. For years. And it was ugly. My children suffered, anyone who relied on me for anything suffered because I wasn't able to do anything except run from one releationship to the next, desperate.
This book really helped me understand my unresolved childhood issues and how they dictated my life and how to fix it.
If you're serious about wanting to take back your life and feel better, this may help.
Hope you're feeling better.
Transformy
How to heal Abandonment Heartbreak & Self Sabotage - Susan Anderson
I've been in your same exact shoes. For years. And it was ugly. My children suffered, anyone who relied on me for anything suffered because I wasn't able to do anything except run from one releationship to the next, desperate.
This book really helped me understand my unresolved childhood issues and how they dictated my life and how to fix it.
If you're serious about wanting to take back your life and feel better, this may help.
Hope you're feeling better.
Transformy
How to heal Abandonment Heartbreak & Self Sabotage - Susan Anderson
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Many singers, celebrities and bankers are doing cocaine too.... And it's ok as long as he still has a job and not straying and not going to jail?
Wow. I never want that again. Never Ever. I am grateful for my life.
Anyway, he does not care anymore. He found someone to listen to him and go along to get along. You were married for a while. It may take awhile to get better.
Concentrate on getting better and slowly the pain will cease and the sun will come out.
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