lesliej

I guess it's time for me to bow out for awhile...

I am so grateful for all the shared perspectives, even the ones I don't necessarily "like". This site has been a really powerful part of my ongoing recovery process. It has been up and down for me, and this has been a place to come at any hour, reading and posting, seeing similarities and sharing, is so necessary as part of my recovery.

There are so many solid, spiritual and supportive voices here...and there is a sense of accountability too. I have really felt that accountability and it has helped me to move forward.

I am going to just take a while away. I have a strong personality and I can be pretty reactive. My grief as of late (compounded by the loss of a dog on Wed.) is perhaps keeping me from being more serene in my responses.

I think that this site needs to remain healthy, it is so necessary for the foundation of recovery to have safe space...especially for the newcomer. I know that one of my biggest hurdles has been to get over being shamed. So I suppose I am sensitized to it and take things too personally.

So I am going to go take a sojourn and breathe. I apologize for conflictual or contrary posts.

Peace Out...
Leslie

dollydo

I understand, and, am sorry about the loss of your little friend.

I, too, am taking a break, continue to take care of you.

lightseeker

Leslie,

I understand....through the years I have taken a more active role/less active role - and some times a full-on break. That is one of the wonderful things about this site and recovery in general.

I'll be thinking about you. I'm really sorry for the loss of your furry child.....take good care of yourself. Donna

YearForMe

Is your addiction whispering in your ear? I know you are missing him.

Freedom1990

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved canine companion. I am facing that decision in the near future with my oldest one. Sending you hugs of support.

lesliej

No, not my addiction.

I am allowing myself the space and gentleness to go through stages of sadness over heartbreak. I realize that I just simply cannot even fathom trying to even possibly attempt anything like a seed of trust in the relationship until the man who I love has been able to find himself in recovery long term...

and I also realize that the possibility of getting back together after such a long term separation, let alone the possibility of his ability to stay healthy, is very slim

I have learned from this site many hard to digest outlooks on what it is like to be with an addict/recovering addict in relationship. which is part of what I had to learn in coming here, but excuse me for talking ad nauseum about "him"


there is detachment from addiction
and there is also simple sadness and heartbreak.
life is not always an either/or it is often a both/and

and while "he has been at this for twenty years" I have been finally separated from him for three weeks, yes, I went back to him. he was once again "in recovery"
so yes, everyone here can tell me "I relapsed"
yep, my hope was, fool me, denial and relapse. damn, I am so so so sick.


so then in the midst of this three week going through stages and being quiet and finding some form of support here and there, but mainly allowing myself the dignity of moving through a very painful heartache
(call it withdrawal, and then name call me for it)
the dog who belonged to my friend and boss jumped out of my arms, took a nose dive into a concrete floor, went into spasms and died.

so I come here in the midst of it and react to what felt TO ME like very negative slams and it's just not what I need, to me it is a trigger and it feels toxic. Maybe there is someone out there who needs to be slammed, insulted, blamed and shamed. Maybe someone needs assumptions made about their sickness, their recovery. But I guess because I DON'T need it, and because I DON'T think it is healthy, (maybe there are those who need it, who it would help, who wouldn't actually be harmed by the shame) because I think it's TOXIC (shame is HARMFUL)...that makes me self-righteous and a hypocrite.

so, in the midst of grief and letting go and more grief and letting go and focusing on positive parts of my life and trying to shift energy into outlook instead of looking back...
in the midst of working hard and yes, the "progress not perfection" which everybody who knows their weight in recovery leans on...in the midst of that there erupts this shame and blame post that sites specifics of OTHERS recovery.

of course that is not seen as a "direct attack"
if it was in a room where we could see one another it would be clearly seen as pointed and accusatory.

but hey...

nope.

it's nothing about that.
it's nothing about toxic messages
it's about refusing to be shamed

yeah, its not about spring emerging and seed planting and remembering our garden last year. its not about opening up the porches and having all kinds of memories of dinners and parties and reading and foot rub talks...

nope. I am not supposed to have memories of someone I love...I need to wipe out memories, or god forbid you miss someone you love (with full awareness that you just CANNOT be with them)

that is called "addiction whispering in my ear"

now I suppose I will hear insults about how I came back here and posted after saying I was done. I suppose this is my "addiction"
its not processing, its not speaking in defense of self instead of being walked on by "people in recovery" its not wanting to share a message with other people who may be like me who do NOT need shame and blame and insult in order to GET recovery.

Freedom1990

I completely understand the need to take a break.

That's the beauty of SR. It's always here.

I have had to take breaks myself, Leslie.

Do what you need to do for yourself, okay?

YearForMe

Leslie....

I get it.....

I get all of it

Or like my mama says....."Go ahead and throw a fit......We'll watch"

If I were to tell you that I didn't see ONE thing in Kelley's post that made me think she was referring to you......would you believe that?

If I were to tell you that I saw many things in Kelley's post that I could apply to myself....would you believe that?

KelleyF

I don't think you need to feel ashamed because you love a man with an addiction. I've said this many times '"we love whom we love"

Love is real; it doesn't always respect boundaries of what is actually good/healthy for us. If it did; I wouldn't be in love with my BF; because who needs the risk? I could find another fishy in the sea...but I'm stuck on him.

I know you made a decision to let your BF go based on what you know is best for you; just give your heart time to accept it.

I again apologize my thread upset you; truly it wasn't my intent to have any unique references to your situation. I'm sorry you saw it that way however.

Kel

December2011

Hi Leslie,
Maybe a break would be good, if that is what you need for yourself. I hope you stay with us, but not if you don’t want to. I know you have to do what you feel is healthy and right for you.

I do know what you are talking about with the recent activity, and I was frustrated by the situation as well.

I just try to understand that all of us are in emotional and difficult situations. We are just people (pretty great people he he) but things may be said from time to time that are not the coolest, or maybe there are misunderstandings. In addition, some people are new to the situation of being close to a drug addicted person, and to them, we may sound a little confusing. It is always hard to see someone at a crossroads (especially young people in new relationships), where they can take a path which will likely lead to years of suffering, or take the other path to self love and better times.

I know you are going through one of the hardest times in your life, and have been through hell. You seem to be a strong, smart, articulate, and kind person. I value your opinion here.

I would never get on your case about posting after saying you are going to leave for a while; you have a right to change your mind. It’s OK.

I am sorry about your furry friend, and if you are MIA for a bit, my thoughts and prayers will still be with you, and when you come back we will still be here.
Take care

milo88

Hey lesliej,
I don't often post as my situation is over now, but I still come back to read to remind myself of why I needed to step away etc etc - and sometimes to understand why I STILL feel so shattered by what happened with my ex.
I just wanted to say that I too find all the shaming and blaming to be detrimental rather than helpful, but put it down to the fact that most people on this side of the fence are grieving, angry and also helpless to "fix" or control any part of their own situation.
I know the need to control is listed as a codependent trait, but I myself think it's a perfectly normal human trait to want to help the one you love or change the situation when the situation is so dire and can (and does) lead to their death.
But it is a painful lesson in "letting go" - I have had many lessons of this nature, including losing a child when I was 23, and this experience for me equalled that other one in pain. And that is really saying something!
Everyone is on their own path, and everyone's relationships are different - even if we all share in common a person we love who has an addiction.
I too felt very shamed when I was going through the mill with my ex because of the things he was doing (thus he became an ex), and I also felt shamed when he died because people said things like, "It was on the cards." It may have been true, but it's also on the cards when people get cancer and die, but nobody says that to you.
It is hard to digest it all. But you're right. In the end it's just plain and simple old-fashioned heartbreak. I don't see much need to analyse myself now, more of a need to lick my wounds and recover somehow - from the loss from the pain, and also horribly from the shame.
I wish people were kinder to each other when going through this, but the emotions are so hard-edged and desperate that I think it makes people more harsh than they need to be. That sense of helplessness is horrible, and also the demoralising feeling of knowing that a drug is more important than you, than your love. )-:
And that is only added to when others tell you there's something wrong with you and all your feelings.
I loved my ex before he was addicted, I couldn't stop loving him once he was addicted (even though I wanted to and tried to), and unfortunately I still love him now, even though he died.
I loved him and I lost him in a really traumatic way. I do not think loving someone is some kind of addiction or dysfunctional psychological problem, but when we love we need the other to love us back the same - and someone with an addiction can't do that because they already love another, a drug.
I know some are attracted to drama, but I was not one of those. I didn't see it coming, it just came. And I know my ex had his own reasons for that.
Take care of yourself, lesliej, and no, I don't think loving someone is ever something to be ashamed of, but it's always a risk. Sometimes you don't know how big a risk until you're in it and by then it's often too late to back out!
All of us are different, and all our relationships are different too - something to remember when perusing this site xxx

Chino

I always hoped my daughter would own her disease and issues, and she does that one day at a time. Because of her, I learned I had to own my issues, too, and I also do that one day at a time.

Leslie, I always see you owning your issues and that is something to be 100% proud of. I've always said what separates the men from the boys, and the women from the girls, is accountability. You hold yourself accountable and there's no shame in that

Vale

Leslie ,
You do what you need to do.
I for one thank you for your gentle words of wisdom,
And hope you will return again.
Vale

Ann

Hey Leslie, I really do feel your pain here and hope you know that nobody here should call you names ever...it's not how recovery works and the rules here don't allow it.

I am so sorry you are going through all this, and yes, it would make me testy too. I really do hope things get better for you in days ahead...they usually do but it doesn't lessen the pain right now.

Taking a break can do any of us the world of good when anything here triggers the worst in us. It's happened to me more than once and at least I am getting better of stepping back when my I get triggered.. Just know it's your choice and whatever you choose I really do hope you can work through the pain and know that we are all here to support you when you are ready.

Hugs

tjp613

I'll miss you. Hope you can come back soon.

zoso77

Leslie...

I'm very sorry about the loss of your pet. That's a hard, hard blow under any circumstances.

Dealing with those in our lives that suffer with addiction would be easy...if we didn't love them. I'm just as guilty of making decisions based on what my heart wanted, or what I hoped would happen. Part of the human condition is we make mistakes. But the good news is, if we choose to, we can learn from them and somehow grow from the experience.

Part of what makes Al Anon so wonderful is that we progress in our own way, and the only one that dictates our progress is us. That being said, my hope for you is that when you pray, you ask your Higher Power to alleviate your pain. It's OK to admit it's too much to handle on your own. It's OK to hand it over to God, as you understand Him. Practice that every day. Feel what you need to fee. And, please, be good to yourself.

ZoSo

Ann

I am closing this thread, we all wish Leslie the best with whatever her decision will be.