Partner Abuse VS Substance Abuse..Advice needed
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 18
Partner Abuse VS Substance Abuse..Advice needed
I haven't posted here in a few weeks--I've been so busy with my new teaching job.
Last I posted, my EX and I had broken up and he had been sending angry texts and leaving voicemails along the lines of 'I'm done with you anyway', etc. He had just started the suboxone program the week we broke up..I was feeling guilty leaving him at such a crucial time, but we have been down this road before and taking him back has always 'allowed' him to make excuses for why he 'doesn't reeeeeally need' suboxone and all of a sudden he will be 'too busy' and 'too broke' to continue. I was done enabling.
Aside from the drug addiction, he was physically and verbally abusive many, many times throughout our relationship (only when taking painkillers--to my knowledge at least). He constantly minimized situations or pretended that he didn't remember the abuse. Occasionally he blamed it on me: "If you would have just SHUT UP I wouldn't have had to MAKE you SHUT UP!"
So, of course, fed up and feeling defeated--I left. I read the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft..saw a lot of HIM in it...a lot of things that definitely weren't him as well. But I told him to go read that book, and then I blocked his number (go me!) and I made every conscious effort not to run into him since we live close to each other. We only broke up about six weeks ago.
About two days ago he sent me a letter in the mail. He asked for no reply--said he thought no contact was the right choice. He said he read that book and understood why I did what I did. He saw why I would be afraid of him. He said although he doesn't agree with ALL of Bancroft's ideas, the man is smart and he is going to a counselor to talk about all of the things he sees that he does that are abusive. He then when on to tell me he is still in the suboxone program, still attends AA and NA at least once a day, and as I said is seeing a counselor. After this was said, he concludes the letter by saying how sorry he is that he ever put me through what he did and how much he cares about me. He also said he knows in his heart that it was the drugs that caused the abuse...he said he knows that some drugs enhance your personality..but the drugs he was taking (and MIXING) were the sole cause for such a drastic personality change. He then gave the number of his EX gf (dated her for about two years before he started doing painkillers), and told me to contact her and talk about him, as much as she may be confused.
So ...I did. And she was in SHOCK to hear about the abuse. She said he treated her like gold. He was so NOT jealous and NOT possessive, that she ended up cheating on him because he never questioned her.
I know my parents/family/friends will never accept him..and I would never ever EVER take him back this soon (I'd like him to finish the suboxone program and THEN see if he still doesn't go back to drugs)...but..I need advice on this one since I can't talk to my family. Is this all BS to try to win me back? Do abusers admit their flaws in order to win their significant others back? Should I even BELIEVE a word he says at this point considering our entire relationship was one big lie? I'm so confused..
Last I posted, my EX and I had broken up and he had been sending angry texts and leaving voicemails along the lines of 'I'm done with you anyway', etc. He had just started the suboxone program the week we broke up..I was feeling guilty leaving him at such a crucial time, but we have been down this road before and taking him back has always 'allowed' him to make excuses for why he 'doesn't reeeeeally need' suboxone and all of a sudden he will be 'too busy' and 'too broke' to continue. I was done enabling.
Aside from the drug addiction, he was physically and verbally abusive many, many times throughout our relationship (only when taking painkillers--to my knowledge at least). He constantly minimized situations or pretended that he didn't remember the abuse. Occasionally he blamed it on me: "If you would have just SHUT UP I wouldn't have had to MAKE you SHUT UP!"
So, of course, fed up and feeling defeated--I left. I read the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft..saw a lot of HIM in it...a lot of things that definitely weren't him as well. But I told him to go read that book, and then I blocked his number (go me!) and I made every conscious effort not to run into him since we live close to each other. We only broke up about six weeks ago.
About two days ago he sent me a letter in the mail. He asked for no reply--said he thought no contact was the right choice. He said he read that book and understood why I did what I did. He saw why I would be afraid of him. He said although he doesn't agree with ALL of Bancroft's ideas, the man is smart and he is going to a counselor to talk about all of the things he sees that he does that are abusive. He then when on to tell me he is still in the suboxone program, still attends AA and NA at least once a day, and as I said is seeing a counselor. After this was said, he concludes the letter by saying how sorry he is that he ever put me through what he did and how much he cares about me. He also said he knows in his heart that it was the drugs that caused the abuse...he said he knows that some drugs enhance your personality..but the drugs he was taking (and MIXING) were the sole cause for such a drastic personality change. He then gave the number of his EX gf (dated her for about two years before he started doing painkillers), and told me to contact her and talk about him, as much as she may be confused.
So ...I did. And she was in SHOCK to hear about the abuse. She said he treated her like gold. He was so NOT jealous and NOT possessive, that she ended up cheating on him because he never questioned her.
I know my parents/family/friends will never accept him..and I would never ever EVER take him back this soon (I'd like him to finish the suboxone program and THEN see if he still doesn't go back to drugs)...but..I need advice on this one since I can't talk to my family. Is this all BS to try to win me back? Do abusers admit their flaws in order to win their significant others back? Should I even BELIEVE a word he says at this point considering our entire relationship was one big lie? I'm so confused..
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Just a thought TBH, but why don't you continue the no contact and think about this later? He has a lot of work to do, and speculating the outcome does nothing to make it a reality.
I found that no contact allows us to clear our heads and prevent manipulation and vulnerability. You say you wouldn't take him back this soon anyways, so why promise things you may not feel later? Down the road, you may not want to start things back up, regardless of how he's doing.
(((Hugs)))
I found that no contact allows us to clear our heads and prevent manipulation and vulnerability. You say you wouldn't take him back this soon anyways, so why promise things you may not feel later? Down the road, you may not want to start things back up, regardless of how he's doing.
(((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
I have been in a much similar situation, still am really. My AH is in rehab right now and sends the most beautiful, poetic letters you have ever seen. 8 years of marriage and i have NEVER seen or heard him open up like this before! Everything in me wants to believe this is the new, sober, changed man......but my brain wants to protect ME and consider the possibility that he is afraid of losing me and "pulling out all the stops" to keep me hanging on. Only time will tell, but I think we both just need to let them go for a while (no contact is a God send) and focus on our own healing and our own recovery plan. As we do this, hopefully, the right choice will be very clear to both of us. Make sense? :ghug3: You are definitely NOT alone!!
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Hey there-sent a DM. Sorry for delay; I don't get on here much. I had written a pretty long post and lost it somehow and I need to get to bed. If I can answer anything else, DM back. btw-good book you mentioned. It's in my library. Long story short, I encourage you to let him work on himself by himself, and you do the same. We are drawn to addicts for reasons; we need to find out what those reasons are. AA/NA recommend no romantic relationship for at least a year, and they are the experts. 
Jen
Jen
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
TiredButHopeful,
I agree with everyone above. You said multiple times. Abuse can start subtly, slowly progress. Where it becomes normal. (this is coming from experience)
I know that I needed to heal. Needed to be completely removed and for some time before I could even recognize it. It was no longer "normal" for me.
As for the previous girlfriend. Had anyone asked me, I would have told them, my husband was not abusive. I would not have been lying to them. I honestly didn't think I was.
I agree with everyone above. You said multiple times. Abuse can start subtly, slowly progress. Where it becomes normal. (this is coming from experience)
I know that I needed to heal. Needed to be completely removed and for some time before I could even recognize it. It was no longer "normal" for me.
As for the previous girlfriend. Had anyone asked me, I would have told them, my husband was not abusive. I would not have been lying to them. I honestly didn't think I was.
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