ending it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 8
ending it?
Perhaps it's because it's nearly 2:30 am, but at this moment I feel as though I've reached the end of my rope with my ABF. I want to give up. I'm so ******* tired. I am sick of babysitting and feeling humiliated and covering his tracks and feeling like I'm a victim. How the **** do I get out of an eight year relationship? Our lives are so intertwined, I feel as though breaking up with him is more complicated than pretending everything's okay. I love him and always will, but I am worn to the bone with fighting and crying and lying to myself. I feel so stuck and don't even know the first step to take. I know in the morning he'll sober up and be sweet and I'll try to ignore the nagging in my mind. I'm a ******* feminist yet I am living in the most emotionally abusive situation out of anyone I know. I would never wish this upon anyone but myself. I really feel stuck...I feel selfish for posting this because there were some really heartbreaking posts that had suicidal thoughts. I hope everyone is safe and realizes life is worth living. I wish I could help but feel too powerless in my own situation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
You didn't offend me.
It's hard to leave and take care of yourself because you have become codependent. Please read the stickies at the top of the threads.
Get the book codependent no more...just google it. Trust me it will make you feel validated and reinforce you are not crazy.
I know it seems scary to leave and start over. In leaving you will have peace, self respect, increased strength, a life, no more abuse...yeh it may be scary and lonely at time but it is very well worth it. There are thousands of people on thus forum who would agree that leaving an active A saved their own life.
HUGS to you
It's hard to leave and take care of yourself because you have become codependent. Please read the stickies at the top of the threads.
Get the book codependent no more...just google it. Trust me it will make you feel validated and reinforce you are not crazy.
I know it seems scary to leave and start over. In leaving you will have peace, self respect, increased strength, a life, no more abuse...yeh it may be scary and lonely at time but it is very well worth it. There are thousands of people on thus forum who would agree that leaving an active A saved their own life.
HUGS to you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 51
I completely understand how you feel. After getting just two hours sleep myself last night because my Alcoholic/sustance abuse partner. I feel emotionally drained, exhausted and to be honest a little angry. I find in times like this I just have to look after myself. I take a step back from my AH and leave him to his own devices. I make arrangements with family or friends, dettach and try to enjoy myself. I find it helps.
Good luck and I wish you all the best.
Good luck and I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i know it appears rather hopeless right now, but you do have some things in your favor:
1. you have identified that you have had enough. that's half the battle.
2. you are young.
3. you are educated.
4. you have no children with this man.
5. you do not have shared property.
6. you are not married.
perhaps try not to look at leaving as a permanent thing. it's ok to just need a break to collect your thoughts and sort your feelings.
1. you have identified that you have had enough. that's half the battle.
2. you are young.
3. you are educated.
4. you have no children with this man.
5. you do not have shared property.
6. you are not married.
perhaps try not to look at leaving as a permanent thing. it's ok to just need a break to collect your thoughts and sort your feelings.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i know it appears rather hopeless right now, but you do have some things in your favor:
1. you have identified that you have had enough. that's half the battle.
2. you are young.
3. you are educated.
4. you have no children with this man.
5. you do not have shared property.
6. you are not married.
perhaps try not to look at leaving as a permanent thing. it's ok to just need a break to collect your thoughts and sort your feelings.
1. you have identified that you have had enough. that's half the battle.
2. you are young.
3. you are educated.
4. you have no children with this man.
5. you do not have shared property.
6. you are not married.
perhaps try not to look at leaving as a permanent thing. it's ok to just need a break to collect your thoughts and sort your feelings.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Regardless of our present or past circumstances, the important thing is .... everything that is happening or has happened is for a reason. In reality, there are no victims. We each have a different sad story to tell, there are thousands of them. But the common thread that runs thru them all, is that we have at some point lost our power, or it has been taken away from us, or we have just plain given it away.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
And we all have a little voice inside us screaming, " No More, I have had enough" For me it was a happy day when I finally stopped and listened. That gut feeling was poking at me for months prior to me putting an end to the madness. We all have a breaking point, it sounds like you are arriving at yours.
Remember you are not alone, we are here and listening. take care of you first.
Remember you are not alone, we are here and listening. take care of you first.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 47
I am co-dependent too. It is so hard to break up, I feel you pain. I go through the same things, should I stay, or should I go. It has been 6 years for us. First 2 years were great, then all of a sudden, I realized I grew up, yet he still just wants to drink and party with the guys. Sucks having to get up and make sure the doors are locked and oven is off after he gets home.
I am trying so hard to be strong too and just leave. i am halfheartedly looking for apartments, while still hoping that for some crazy reason, the sober fairy will bonk him on the head, and he will stop drinking before I find an apartment. HA! Like that is ever going to happen. He texts me sweet things last night, of course while out drinking with his buddies. SURE. It's not going to change. They just want someone who will put up with this crap. I don't want to be that someone, and you don't either. I spent so much time and effort trying to control his drinking, do any of us want to be doing that the rest of our lives? If we don't try and stay with the guy, then do we really want a drunk partner/husband/significant other? I know I don't want someone who doesn't even remember any of our conversations. He passed out on the floor last Sunday, then on Monday says "no I didn't"! I used to take pictures just to prove it.
Good luck, I feel all of your pain, let's think of it like ripping off a band aid and letting the wound heal, rather than having someone (our drunk partner) always picking off the healing scab so it NEVER heals and leaves us so scarred we can't even face the world anymore.
I am trying so hard to be strong too and just leave. i am halfheartedly looking for apartments, while still hoping that for some crazy reason, the sober fairy will bonk him on the head, and he will stop drinking before I find an apartment. HA! Like that is ever going to happen. He texts me sweet things last night, of course while out drinking with his buddies. SURE. It's not going to change. They just want someone who will put up with this crap. I don't want to be that someone, and you don't either. I spent so much time and effort trying to control his drinking, do any of us want to be doing that the rest of our lives? If we don't try and stay with the guy, then do we really want a drunk partner/husband/significant other? I know I don't want someone who doesn't even remember any of our conversations. He passed out on the floor last Sunday, then on Monday says "no I didn't"! I used to take pictures just to prove it.
Good luck, I feel all of your pain, let's think of it like ripping off a band aid and letting the wound heal, rather than having someone (our drunk partner) always picking off the healing scab so it NEVER heals and leaves us so scarred we can't even face the world anymore.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
A year ago I was in a similar spot. My husband and I had been married for 16 years, with four kids. He's a great guy; we've had a good life together all in all. About 8 years ago he crossed the line into alcoholism. Over the past couple of years I knew that something had to give, but like you the thought of splitting up seemed so daunting, especially because we have kids and a lot of assets.
A year ago I felt like I was living with a plastic bag over my head which gave me just enough air to survive but not enough to thrive. I secretly started attending Al Anon. I quietly started making a plan to separate. I stashed a bunch of cash and had gone through our financials with a fine tooth comb. When the day came that I could no longer live with the drinking, it was more doable to say "I can no longer live with your drinking. We need to live apart for now; would you like to pack your things or should i do it?" because I was somewhat prepared. I had a backup plan in case he wouldn't leave.
The first night my husband was gone, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from me. Incredibly sad, and yes there have been many months of horrid grieving, but....I would do it all again just the same. You don't realize until you are out from under it just how oppressed you have let yourself become!!!
Start quietly preparing and don't say a word to him. Get your stuff in order, make a plan, then work that plan methodically. YOU deserve better, and life is too short to spend it down in the rabbit hole with your partner. Separating is only one step, you can always get back together. Living apart will give you the perspective you need to make better choices. And get to Al Anon ASAP, it's very helpful. Hugs to you!
A year ago I felt like I was living with a plastic bag over my head which gave me just enough air to survive but not enough to thrive. I secretly started attending Al Anon. I quietly started making a plan to separate. I stashed a bunch of cash and had gone through our financials with a fine tooth comb. When the day came that I could no longer live with the drinking, it was more doable to say "I can no longer live with your drinking. We need to live apart for now; would you like to pack your things or should i do it?" because I was somewhat prepared. I had a backup plan in case he wouldn't leave.
The first night my husband was gone, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from me. Incredibly sad, and yes there have been many months of horrid grieving, but....I would do it all again just the same. You don't realize until you are out from under it just how oppressed you have let yourself become!!!
Start quietly preparing and don't say a word to him. Get your stuff in order, make a plan, then work that plan methodically. YOU deserve better, and life is too short to spend it down in the rabbit hole with your partner. Separating is only one step, you can always get back together. Living apart will give you the perspective you need to make better choices. And get to Al Anon ASAP, it's very helpful. Hugs to you!
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