oinobares

Hi,

Yesterday I spent a good thirty minutes composing an intro, telling my story in brief, and...the damn power went out. Fzzzt. Post gone. Some kind of strange kismet that. Anyhow, that sort of disheartened me. So I'll do this again, but keep it short.

I'm a binge drinker. In the twenty odd years since college I have imbibed heavily, but was largely in control until the past three years. During that time my standard garden-variety hangovers changed into something ungodly. Full-bore anxiety, no shakes strangely, but a dread and unease that fairly compelled me to knock back the morning booze. My binges generally last about three or four days. Then I dry out with mild-moderate symptoms. I'll stay sober a month or more (the longest recently was three months), feel utterly fantastic, and then robotically, unreflectively, spy a bottle of booze in a Target, say, and just buy it, as if it were the most natural, normal thing in the world. Of course it isn't. And that bottle has no chance of lasting more than a day or two tops. I'm not a mean drunk, I savor the taste of a fine whiskey or wine, but that internal mechanism of checks and measures is clearly blown away by years of overdoing it.

Now that my kids (8 and 6) are taking notice, and after I walked in a cognitively lucid state, though an emotionally wrecked one, into an ER last spring, and was found to have a .4 BAC, I've had enough. (I did 90 days sober after that ER escapade. The docs said my liver was fine but it wouldn't be, obviously, if I kept it up.)

I'm back in AA. Met with a potential sponsor today who thinks that perhaps full acceptance and honesty is not in my grasp yet. I'm at the point of that first step, reviewing honestly my past "episodes," and on the cusp of fully owning that I am an alcoholic. I can't just have one or two. And I haven't lost it all--yet.

I'll leave it at that. I've gained great insight and comfort in reading the posts of all you courageous SR members, and I thank you all.

edit: PS I have 8 days

nonblondechef

Welcome! There are wonderful, supportive people here - best wishes for success!

Sapling

Welcome...You still have some doubt you're an alkie?...Little bit of that normal drinker hanging on??

CloudStrife

Hey,
Once I ordereded Rational Recovery and understood that was the approaoch that was going to work for me I understood things differently.

oinobares

Yeah, dangling by a thread. Just that one small corner of my mind that cries out against being what I essentially know that I am. It's kind of frustrating really. An annoying and desperate little voice.

CloudStrife

AA works for some people... if it doesnt feel like its working for you then seek out your own way!

Sapling

That dangling thread almost hung me...

awuh1

Are you sure about that? Walking, let alone in a “cognitively lucid state” @.4 seems …. well let’s say remarkable. The info I have seen states “Death may occur at .37% or higher. BACs of .45% and higher are fatal to nearly all individuals”. That would have placeed you nearly half way between “death may occur” and “fatal to nearly all individuals”. I would suggest that “cognitively lucid” might not be a phrase the ER staff used in your progress notes. The point being that alcoholism twists our thinking, our very notions of reality, even when we’re not “under the influence”. Even when taking a perfectly sober stroll through target for example.

Your obviously a very bright guy. My advice is, keep a truly open mind.

My best to you.

oinobares

Unfortunately, I am sure. So were the two psych residents who interviewed me and gave me all sorts of puzzles to solve. I am 6' 230 lbs. I walked in, was awake and alert the entire time. Ativan in the IV, the usual vitamins, a Librium scrip on the way out. Alcoholic tolerance I guess.

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I'm definitely not happy about being in this predicament, but know I absolutely have to do something about it.

Ready for the hard work.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR! Congratulations on 8 days!