Just An Intro; 13 Years of Shame
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 64
Just An Intro; 13 Years of Shame
Hello everyone!
I am a returning member using a different username. A fresh start and all that jazz.
I stopped drinking and smoking pot earlier this week. My first day of sobriety is Tuesday, March 6, 2012.
It's been quite a ride this addiction thing and I mean that in the baddest of bad ways. Got into drinking and drugs at 13, got out of control by 17, and I'm still struggling at 26. I dislike the fact that I can't be like a "normal" person and drink or smoke pot moderately. However, it's pretty clear. I make HORRIBLE decisions when I drink or smoke pot. HORRIBLE!!!! I skip classes, I get kicked out of college, I skip work, I lose my jobs, I sleep late, I stay up late, I let people down, I'm selfish, I'm immature, etc. All bad things indeed.
There's not too much else to say. I'm looking forward to living sober. I've grown to hate the person that I become when I'm under the influence. I can't get anything right when I'm using these substances and life is just too hard living in that fog.
Any advice on ways to help myself? Just abstaining doesn't work. I got sober for two years from about 22-24 but I was pretty unhappy. I was still living with my parents at the time, which was a big contributing factor to the unhappiness.
Recently, I've moved away from the city where all my troubles occurred as a kid in order to go to college. It feels good to leave that city. In fact, I HATE that city. Just imagining myself returning and driving up to my parents house instills some INTENSE feelings of anxiety and contempt. Not for my parents or family but for myself. I'm so happy to be out of that place and I'll probably never go back; not even for Christmas and holidays. Being there reminds me of what a useless piece of **** I was back then. Very saddening.
Right now, I'm thinking I should do a few things:
1) Quit drinking, quit pot, and don't do any other drugs to replace them.
2) Start exercising again and eating right.
3) Go to AA or NA. I'm a little uneasy about this but my college has some meetings on campus where mostly young students struggling with addiction go to seek help. Being around peers makes the prospect much less intimidating. I've already made some calls and found some meetings a few blocks away.
4) Quit chewing tobacco and possibly caffeine. Tobacco is horrible for me. I know it but it's a bitch to quit. When I go without it, I have these incessant, uncontrollable negative thoughts about all sorts of things. Very unpleasant. Also, I think I have some mild social anxiety and maybe even general anxiety disorder and caffeine severely aggravates these symptoms.
5) Start seeing a personal counselor. I saw a counselor once a few weeks ago and skipped my scheduled meeting on Tuesday morning. I should probably go back.
6) Get another job because I just lost my new one for not showing up. It's okay though because all the employees there, including the manager, were major potheads who enjoyed discussing weed and getting drunk on a regular basis. Probably not the best environment to get sober.
Any other ideas, folks?
I want to get over this issue and move on with my life. I'm a good person when I'm sober. I work hard, I'm very smart, I'm good looking, I'm considerate of other people, etc. But when I do these drugs, watch out because I'm a straight useless *******.
Thanks for your time.
I am a returning member using a different username. A fresh start and all that jazz.
I stopped drinking and smoking pot earlier this week. My first day of sobriety is Tuesday, March 6, 2012.
It's been quite a ride this addiction thing and I mean that in the baddest of bad ways. Got into drinking and drugs at 13, got out of control by 17, and I'm still struggling at 26. I dislike the fact that I can't be like a "normal" person and drink or smoke pot moderately. However, it's pretty clear. I make HORRIBLE decisions when I drink or smoke pot. HORRIBLE!!!! I skip classes, I get kicked out of college, I skip work, I lose my jobs, I sleep late, I stay up late, I let people down, I'm selfish, I'm immature, etc. All bad things indeed.
There's not too much else to say. I'm looking forward to living sober. I've grown to hate the person that I become when I'm under the influence. I can't get anything right when I'm using these substances and life is just too hard living in that fog.
Any advice on ways to help myself? Just abstaining doesn't work. I got sober for two years from about 22-24 but I was pretty unhappy. I was still living with my parents at the time, which was a big contributing factor to the unhappiness.
Recently, I've moved away from the city where all my troubles occurred as a kid in order to go to college. It feels good to leave that city. In fact, I HATE that city. Just imagining myself returning and driving up to my parents house instills some INTENSE feelings of anxiety and contempt. Not for my parents or family but for myself. I'm so happy to be out of that place and I'll probably never go back; not even for Christmas and holidays. Being there reminds me of what a useless piece of **** I was back then. Very saddening.
Right now, I'm thinking I should do a few things:
1) Quit drinking, quit pot, and don't do any other drugs to replace them.
2) Start exercising again and eating right.
3) Go to AA or NA. I'm a little uneasy about this but my college has some meetings on campus where mostly young students struggling with addiction go to seek help. Being around peers makes the prospect much less intimidating. I've already made some calls and found some meetings a few blocks away.
4) Quit chewing tobacco and possibly caffeine. Tobacco is horrible for me. I know it but it's a bitch to quit. When I go without it, I have these incessant, uncontrollable negative thoughts about all sorts of things. Very unpleasant. Also, I think I have some mild social anxiety and maybe even general anxiety disorder and caffeine severely aggravates these symptoms.
5) Start seeing a personal counselor. I saw a counselor once a few weeks ago and skipped my scheduled meeting on Tuesday morning. I should probably go back.
6) Get another job because I just lost my new one for not showing up. It's okay though because all the employees there, including the manager, were major potheads who enjoyed discussing weed and getting drunk on a regular basis. Probably not the best environment to get sober.
Any other ideas, folks?
I want to get over this issue and move on with my life. I'm a good person when I'm sober. I work hard, I'm very smart, I'm good looking, I'm considerate of other people, etc. But when I do these drugs, watch out because I'm a straight useless *******.
Thanks for your time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((DreamingDog))) - sounds like you've got a pretty good plan going! I think it's awesome that your college has meetings, as they are people in the same age bracket, similar circumstances, etc.
I am really glad to hear you're ready for recovery at what I consider a young age...I was in my mid 40's before finally choosing recovery, and wish I'd done something about it when I was younger, but all I can do is keep moving forward.
I will say, SR has been a huge part of my recovery. Always someone here, reading through other threads has helped me feel so not alone.
Oh, and the shame? Though I certainly went through it, it serves no purpose. I remember when I started paying bills...something I'd been slack about in the past, even when I made good money. Something simple, but darned if it didn't feel good! When I focused more on what I was doing RIGHT (and some days all I could come up with was "I'm still clean" as I went to sleep), the dimmer the feelings of shame went.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I am really glad to hear you're ready for recovery at what I consider a young age...I was in my mid 40's before finally choosing recovery, and wish I'd done something about it when I was younger, but all I can do is keep moving forward.
I will say, SR has been a huge part of my recovery. Always someone here, reading through other threads has helped me feel so not alone.
Oh, and the shame? Though I certainly went through it, it serves no purpose. I remember when I started paying bills...something I'd been slack about in the past, even when I made good money. Something simple, but darned if it didn't feel good! When I focused more on what I was doing RIGHT (and some days all I could come up with was "I'm still clean" as I went to sleep), the dimmer the feelings of shame went.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Get with a psych. Medication helped me greatly in the past and now that i'm back on it i'm finding that i'm better able to handle my life. Seeing a therapist helps too. Build a sober community around yourself. do sonething in your life that makes you feel worthwhile. Volunteer, work, (as you mentioned) exercise. Anything that gives value to your life. I find that my personal triggers are boredom and anxiety. Drinking makes it easier to be alone and lessens anxiety but robs a life of value. Find a hobby. Anything that interests you. I wish you well and i hope we can both find value and stability in our lives.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 64
Thank you everyone for the quick replies. That's one of the things I remember about this place: there are always people reading and posting to help others that are struggling. I can't express how good it feels to know that I'm not alone. Addiction is such a taboo subject these days and I sometimes feel like I can't be honest with people.
I know the feelings of shame serve no real purpose but it's hard to not feel them, you know? I deeply regret how I've lived these past 13 years. When I think of where I could have been if I had given this crap up sooner, it makes me feel very sad and disappointed in myself. Instead, I've been booted from two colleges for failing, got suspended from high school once for being high, been to an inpatient rehab, haven't held a steady job for more than a few months at a time, I have no close friends, and my family views me as the **** up. I doubt I'll ever be able to recover from that reputation with my family. I'm sure that we all have those feelings though. Just putting it out there.
It will be nice to get all the bills in on time. I just need to get a job. I have scheduled two meetings with managers at some stores close by for tomorrow morning. Let's hope I can get my ass out of bed and get there. I'll feel a lot better once I have a job and my finances are secure. I'm very worried about that right now.
I also agree with the comment about building a sober community around myself. That was my big mistake when I got sober four years ago. I tried to do it alone. No meetings, no counselor, no help. I just "white-knuckled" it and it failed. Being able to spend time with others who don't drink or do drugs will be very satisfying for me. Nowadays, it seems like everyone around me just wants to get high or drunk and it scares me off and into isolation. I know some people don't mind hanging around drinkers after they quit but I'm not sure if I can be one of those. Maybe later.
Thank you again for all the kind comments. I'm glad to be here around supportive people.
I know the feelings of shame serve no real purpose but it's hard to not feel them, you know? I deeply regret how I've lived these past 13 years. When I think of where I could have been if I had given this crap up sooner, it makes me feel very sad and disappointed in myself. Instead, I've been booted from two colleges for failing, got suspended from high school once for being high, been to an inpatient rehab, haven't held a steady job for more than a few months at a time, I have no close friends, and my family views me as the **** up. I doubt I'll ever be able to recover from that reputation with my family. I'm sure that we all have those feelings though. Just putting it out there.
It will be nice to get all the bills in on time. I just need to get a job. I have scheduled two meetings with managers at some stores close by for tomorrow morning. Let's hope I can get my ass out of bed and get there. I'll feel a lot better once I have a job and my finances are secure. I'm very worried about that right now.
I also agree with the comment about building a sober community around myself. That was my big mistake when I got sober four years ago. I tried to do it alone. No meetings, no counselor, no help. I just "white-knuckled" it and it failed. Being able to spend time with others who don't drink or do drugs will be very satisfying for me. Nowadays, it seems like everyone around me just wants to get high or drunk and it scares me off and into isolation. I know some people don't mind hanging around drinkers after they quit but I'm not sure if I can be one of those. Maybe later.
Thank you again for all the kind comments. I'm glad to be here around supportive people.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 64
Thank you, DisplacedGrits, for that comment on adding value to my life. I'm the same with my triggers. When I'm bored, anxious, or lonely, my mind goes to getting some beer or pot. It temporarily satisfies those negative feelings but in the end, it makes them worse. I just have to learn to think through the drink/toke to the consequences.
Thank you for your help.
Thank you for your help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I can give you a long list of failures I have had from alcohol...It won't do either of us any good...I can also tell you there are ways to stop this for good...You just have to be willing to do the work...
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
You're very welcome DreamingDog. Amazing how we're all different people but so similar. I'm 31 years old, terrified of school but considering college again. Positive challenges can be good things in our lives. When we strive we have the chance to grow.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 78
I would like to thank you for writing out a lot of the same things I'm going through.
I hate this struggle...
How do you stop something that is the only pleasure you get out of life?
I know the answer is to stop and then find other interests but its so hard.
I hate this struggle...
How do you stop something that is the only pleasure you get out of life?
I know the answer is to stop and then find other interests but its so hard.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
DreamingDog - Great to have you here with us. I think you sound ready this time. Being disgusted with your old behavior is understandable, but try not to be so hard on yourself. None of us sets out to be irresponsible or do foolish things. I know how you feel, but I finally got to the point where I didn't cringe every time I visited my hometown. As you heal, you'll probably feel less dread when you think of returning.
Your list sounds very good - and your attitude does too. Keep reading & posting - we're with you as you get well & begin your new life.
Your list sounds very good - and your attitude does too. Keep reading & posting - we're with you as you get well & begin your new life.
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