I am flippin stupid

Old 03-08-2012, 10:48 AM
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I am flippin stupid

I know, I know, I know, I KNOW better. D---! It's been so quiet lately, him (or the GF) paying all of XAH's past due 1/2 of the medical expenses for last year (which are supposed to be paid within 30 days, not a year later). Him at the same job long enough for the State to pull 2 partial child support payments. GF making sure pick ups and drop offs are within 15 minutes of the scheduled time instead of letting him flake on seeing DS. No more notes from the school saying DS punched one of the other kids (who, unless the kid is 2+ years older than him, is SMALLER than him). No e-mails ranting about taking all his money. No e-mails from her ranting about clothing, taking all of his money, or my poor parenting skills or me 'wanting her great man' back.

I thought it was settling out. I should know. God I should know. He's just waiting. And I fell for it. I did what so many of you told me not to do. Do not ask to alter the visitation schedule. Do not try to discuss parenting and visitation issues with him like he'll respond in any civil manner.

F---!

Conversation between DS and I
Mom, can you text Daddy?
What for, Sweetie?
Well. I want to spend Easter with Grandma. I really miss her. Can you ask Daddy if I can?
Sweetie, I'll e-mail him. But you should ask him if it's OK, too.
I did and he said it's OK, but you have to ask him.

I ignored the wording that I know is XAH's ("you have to ask him") and just heard DS say it was OK. I forget that what DS gets and what I get from XAH are likely very different treatments.

I sent an e-mail to XAH, noting my mom is going to be here and DS would like to spend Easter with her and that DS said he'd asked and XAH said it'd be OK as long as I asked.

What I get back is so subtle. No one - probably not even any one here or on the SA board that I post to - would call it emotional abuse even. And I don't want him back, I wish I'd never met him, much less want to be tied to him in any manner. But this hurt and it was meant to hurt.

XAH never called DS and I his wife and child. IF we were referred to it was by name, as if we were roommates. His co-workers were always taken back when I'd finally meet them and introduce us as TheUncertainty, XAH's wife, and DS, our son. Oh, I didn't realize XAH was married. He talked about a TU, but...... conversations petering out to embarrassed silence...

The response that I get back is a rude tirade about him having told DS it was OK, but they have plans with GF and all of the boys, who are his Family, for Easter. That's left me feeling like s--t scraped off his boots.

I thought I was doing better... but I fell for his cr-p again. It's been good, it'll stay good. He told DS it'd be OK. I feel so stupid. Like I asked for it like the court and my attorney had told me during and just after the divorce hearings.

Thanks for letting me write it out. I want to go curl up in a ball and never move again, but I have to get to work.... Hugs, please?
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Old 03-08-2012, 11:04 AM
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************HHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGSSS*********** *******

He's a dorkwad. Always will be, no matter how great a GF he's got cleaning up after him.
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Old 03-08-2012, 12:26 PM
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Great big hugs to you. Take it easy on yourself. This guy sounds like he's putting on a front for you. Just think about the scummy stuff that new GF has to be putting up with.

With my DS12, we had to eventually draw a boundary so that any changes to the visitation schedule had to be done by parents/adults only. He would ask for changes and whatnot, and my ex would use him to lash out at me just like this.

no matter how great a GF he's got cleaning up after him.
No kidding! I need one of those. Do they do windows?
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Old 03-08-2012, 12:35 PM
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There is a special place in hell for parents who use their children as pawns in their own selfish, manipulative games. I know it doesn't help today, but one day your son will be old enough to decide what he wants to do, and spending time with a manipulative jerk probably won't be on his list.

Hugs to you!

L
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:12 PM
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Hugs, uncertainty!

Take good care,
~T
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Old 03-09-2012, 04:16 PM
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OK... I'm still stupid, because I responded to his e-mail.

XAH,
Since DS wanted to egg hunt with his cousins and Grandma, I wanted him to come home Saturday night. Over the past few months, I have cancelled or re-arranged my plans when you were unable to exercise your visitation option. However, it sounds like even though you told DS it would be OK, you have changed your mind. When you see him for dinner this weekend, please let him know that you would prefer to keep your Easter weekend visit as-is.
Thank you,
TU
I'm expecting to get ripped a new one; but then, I'd expect it if I didn't respond also. Nothing I do is right, so I figured I might as well stated clearly want I wanted based on what DS told me he wanted.

I'm feeling super jittery, and am trying really hard to breath slow and deep. It's been four years since DS and I left him. I'm so mad at myself for being affected by him this much still.
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Old 03-09-2012, 04:39 PM
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Sweetie, you are not stupid. You saw your adorable child telling you "it's okay" and you temporarily forgot his dad is a jerk. I know you're angry at yourself, that you "fell again" but I know I will never be recoverED from my codie-ness, I just have better times more than bad.

Give yourself a break, take a deep breath, and move on.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-09-2012, 06:13 PM
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NO NO NO you are not "flippin stupid."

You are a mom, a mama lion, who has chosen to protect her son the best she can, against a manipulative A who chooses to use his child to push your buttons.

I don't remember how old your son is, however, in some states the age is now 12 and the rest is 14 when the child can tell the judge what 'they want' as far as visitation and/or custody.

You have been on the 'correct' track with your son, for quite a while now, and whether he says anything or not, I suspect he knows which parent is the 'sane' one and which parent is the one he can 'trust.'

I suspect your son told you what 'daddy said' because he does NO trust his father to stick to his word about Easter, and he knows that you will.

So, please, take that 4 foot big rig chain that you are beating yourself up with, and lock it back up somewhere. I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with your 'response email.' It was 'precise', 'business like', and 'to the point.'

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-09-2012, 08:53 PM
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YOU are not stupid. YOU just forgot for a second (as we tend to do) that PEOPLE (and by "people" I mean actively abusing addicts) DO NOT CHANGE.

It's sort of like... just because it's been winter and you haven't gotten any mosquito bites in the past few months, you forget there are mosquitoes.

It's SO damn easy and tempting to treat your situation as if it were normal. I do that, too, just because AXH hasn't threatened to eviscerate me or burn down my house in the past six months or so. Oh, he must be all better!

What a jerkwad does and says in no way reflects on your value or worthiness as a mother, woman, and human being. You know that. I know you know that.

Don't make me come fetch you and force some Kaladi coffee down your throat.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm around this weekend with a few short commitments here and there. Let me know if you want to grab coffee. And next weekend, I'm all free. Coffee, a walk by the inlet, you name it, I'm there.
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Old 03-10-2012, 01:02 AM
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Thank you, guys. Big hugs back. I'm still expecting him to be nasty, but anything I'd do would get that.... Lillamy, the last time I was in Cafe del Mundo, they still had gelato.... DS and I get to hang Saturday.

I'm wondering if XAH will remember he gets DS longer this Sun. because its his (XAHs) birthday... *shrug*

And I'm trying really hard to stop the negative self-talk....again...
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Old 03-10-2012, 07:45 AM
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How about reminding yourself that you're human. None of us are perfect, most of us get blindsided, for whatever reason, and end up back at "OMG, have I learned NOTHING?!?!?" (okay, that was ME a few weeks ago, but you get the drift).

Have a great time with ((DS)). If your ex doesn't remember he can have a longer visit, or that daylight savings time goes into effect tonight (at least for where I live)..his problem.

Though no one wants their child to learn a parent is unreliable, your ((DS)) will figure this out AND know that his mom is the reliable one. You're a great mom..enjoy your time with ((DS)) today and try not to even think about what may happen tomorrow.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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