Marytherboo

I could really use some ES&H right now.

AH has been at a shelter for just over a week while I file for separation. Last night he failed to return to the shelter on time, allegedly because he was not able to get on the right buses at the right time. He began calling and harrassing me with this approximately 4.5 hours before his curfew, telling me that he got on the bus going in the wrong direction not once but twice, leaving him too late to get back.

I didn't handle it all that great, told him that there was nothing I could do and that I really needed him to own that situation and deal with it as he thought best. When he got angry, I did too, and told him to stop torturing me and leave me alone. Then I turned the phone off.

So I wake up this morning to a midnight voicemail from his mom (who is very supportive of me in all this, tries very hard not to enable, etc.) saying that he called her saying he was overdosing on his Lyrica and asking me to keep her updated.

Next I get the text from AH that the Lyrica didn't kill him, that he is feeling a bit woozy (no surprises there), but okay. Then he calls and starts up with the suicide threats again to me.

I told him that I wasn't going to discuss that with him, that I see it as manipulation and that his life is up to him. And basically he came out with "You're always mean to me, so I'm going to kill myself." And now he won't answer the phone.

So I texted him that I love him, that I understand that he is solely responsible for his own life, and that I pray that he will do whatever is truly best for him. And I'm not answering my phone any more.

I understand that I let myself in for this drama by not going NC, and I accept that I can end it by not having any contact with him at all. Which is where I am, now, that the suicide card has been played.

But I am hurting a lot. I can't help feeling guilty, even though I know I am not responsible. This particular manipulation catchies me right in my codie core, and I am having a heck of a time just putting one foot in front of the other today. I have to get through work and hold it together, you know?

He's perfectly capable of following through on his threats, and has attempted suicide before. The only way for me to cling on to even a tiny shred of serenity is to back off now, and stay backed off. But I need some of your hardheaded I-don't-like-it-but-it-helps advice, please!

ichabod

If you think he is suicidal, call the police and let them know. I think at this point you need to go no contact at all with him. He is doing his best to keep you wrapped up in his problems.

My husband used to pull the,"maybe I should just kill myself," thing but stopped when I started telling him to go ahead. His threats were just an attention ploy.

Marytherboo

I would call the police if I knew where he was, but I have no idea. And thanks. My head knows all this but my emotions are refusing to fall into line. Phone still off.

Thumper

I would absolutely go no contact and if for some reason you do have contact and he threatens suicide in any way I'd call police and report it, even if you don't really know where he is.

feelingalone43

I think suicide threats are usually a cry for help or attention. Statistically, people who really commit suicide don't broadcast it first. That said, it doesn't mean you are wrong to care or be worried. Maybe you could call local law, and ask for a wellness check?

m1k3

I went no contact when I separated from my AW. It really helped me have time and space in my head to start getting my act together. I have minimal contact with her now via email. I don't answer her calls or respond to her texts other than through email. Once the divorce happens I will then not have contact with her at all unless we happen to run into each other at some family gathering or something.

Your friend,

naive

hugs mary-

ok, you are in the thick of it now. hang strong. it will calm down if you are consistent with your actions and words.

i don't really understand how he started calling you 4.5 hours ahead of curfew to help him get back? that makes no sense, unless he took a bus 4 hours in the wrong direction to a neighboring state!

as for the mother, please consider blocking her phone number. or better yet, change your phone number to a withheld one and then neither of them can call you.

as for the suicide threats, not to sound uncaring, but it is quite common. as stated above, best thing to do is call the authorities and have them check on him. other than that, it is truly out of your hands, mary.

one thing that helped me was the saying "play the tape all the way through"...so, for example, he treatens suicide, you run to his rescue, what then?

i would render a guess that he missed curfew because he'd been drinking and would not have been allowed back into the shelter. his choice, his consequences.

naive

FindingJoy

My ExAB always went the suicide threat route when nothing else was working as I taught him the suicide game would get a response out of me every time.

So if you want something different do something different. Go no contact and alert the police give them his name and shelter he is at and then the professionals handle this one. My uncle has spent 25 years as a major detective for a big city. The number of calls they get daily for suicide threats from addicts, domestic violence situations, extreme Codie's, etc... Is in the hundreds.

The authorities are the best to handle this not you. As aren't stupid they are just sick and he knows your Codie buttons and will ALWAYs continue to push them.

Give yourself a gift and step away...focus your energy on YOU.

P.s. I bet he's not worrying how you are going to get though the workday after not sleeping all night.

laurie6781

You give his cell phone number to the police, they contact the carrier and if the phone is on the carrier can give them a pretty good location where the phone is.

He'll stop threatening suicide when he realizes police will be called.

Better yet, go No Contact. It is his PROBLEM. You do not need to hear his QUACKING to try and draw you back in.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

nodaybut2day

*hugs* Marytheboo...Naive is right. You're in the middle of the storm now. I'm glad you're here posting and venting. Post as much as you need; that's what SR is here for.

Stepping back from the emotions here, let's look at this situation logically (easy to say, hard to do, I know). Seeing as you are not equiped to handle a situation such as this one, it's best to let the professionals deal with this. If your AH is truly in danger of doing himself harm, then he'll be taken by the cops to a hospital for observation and the psych intake will deal with him (ask me how I know...). If he's not serious, he'll think twice about calling you with fake suicide threats because going through the police/hospital/psych evaluation process is long and arduous, especially if you weren't serious.

Laurie is right...call the cops and give them his cell number, the name of the shelter and explain to them what the situation is. Then give yourself permission to step WAY back from all this and go no contact. You don't need this in your life.

Remember what Mary J said:
"No more tears, I'm tired of cryin' every night
No more fears, I really don't wanna cry
No more drama in my life
I don't ever wanna hurt again

It feel so good when you let go
Avoid this drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game, free from all the stress
So buy your happiness

I don't know, only God knows where the story is
For me, but I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose whether we win or loose
And I choose to win"

Carol Star

My XAH used to threaten suicide. I believe it was the Why Does He Do That book by Bancroft that said it is a form of emotional abuse when they do that to us. I would call the police. Then he will get a hospital evaluation.

DrStrangelove

I am really glad that I found this thread. Until now I didn't realize there was a place for people who deal with alcoholics. This post in particular caught my attention because it represents the reason why I am here in the first place. I know exactly what you are going through pertaining to the above quote. My mother called me a few days ago and asked my permission to kill herself because she is in too much pain to live any longer and she didn't want to abandon me without my permission. I of course told her not to commit suicide and I began to get her help.

I understand exactly what you're talking about with these after-feelings. It feels like the world is in slow motion and your loved one is the dark over-layered theme of everything. Can't get the awful thought out of your mind and can't help but feel responsible for all of the suffering she (or in your case he) is feeling. I just wanted to let you know that I sympathize with you completely, and I hope that all goes well in both of our situations. I hope you can find the strength to help him and I hope I have the strength to do the same with my mother.

You have my love,
Isaac

fedup3

When my XAH threatened suicide I called the police right away and they came with an ambulance to take him to the hospital. They evaluated him for a few days while detoxing him and to say the least he was very ticked off with me for calling them but I reassured him that he gave me no choice when he threatened suicide. That was the last and only time he ever threatened suicide. You just never know if they mean it or not but if they're just doing it to manipulate you after calling the police once I'm sure they won't do it again.

Tuffgirl

My ex husband threatened to commit suicide once. I responded with "at least you are insured".

I guess I sit on the other side of this fence...my experience with suicide tells me most people who threaten their loved ones are manipulating. Most who actually follow through and are successful never tell anyone their plans.

Just my two cents.
~T

NYCDoglvr

I agree: if he does this again, call the police. He is manipulative and, it sounds, very, very boring.

Marytherboo

Thank you all! I am finding myself so fed up and just plain pissed off that I have no interest in hearing from him. I am enjoying the peace here, reminding myself how hard I worked to have a home of my own and be able to enjoy it, relishing the sound of no one creating chaos. While the death of AH would be a terrible sorrow to me, it wouldn't hurt me nearly as much as having him alive and trashing everything I care about while telling me what an #%£¥&@$! I am for making his life so awful.

Maybe that's too harsh of a way to feel, but I'm there. "I'll kill myself if you don't give me my own way." Really? Thanks for hanging in there with me. If I'm sad about anything, it's about the loss of the man I love, who is apparently dead already, leaving only this crazy animal with no conscience, no judgment and no feelings that aren't delusional.

RLW

Sounds like you did the right thing for you! You already know the right decision for "You". BE STRONG. YOU ARE STRONG. STAY STRONG. That must have been an extremely difficult situation and not fare to put you in. My sister took a bunch of pills when we were living together a few years ago, and didn't even tell anyone, I could just tell something wasn't quite right when she came home and went to her room. I had to call 911, after finding her laying in her bed with 2 or three empty pill bottles by her head, and she was committed for evaluation. I still feel that suicide is a selfish act. I know this isn't right but you love the person so much, who attempts or even threatens to kill themselves.

Sounds like this person is trying to manipulate you, to feel bad for them, to let them back into your life. Only he can make his life so terrible so he needs to take responsibility for hisself.

RLW

choublak

I doubt he was really overdosing on the Lyrica...the only "proof" anybody has, is based on what he said on the phone...

wanttobehealthy

when all other tactics do not work, my stbxAH has pulled out the suicide card in the past. last summer in fact i posted here frantic that he was going to harm himself... everyone straightened me out and called him out on how manipulative he was and sure enough, he did nothing but continue to be a jerk... he didn't harm himself once. ever.

go nc if you can.

naive

mine threatened suicide. called me up and said he was at his mother's grave and was going to stab himself to death. i did nothing. he did nothing.

sheesh. it's all crazy-making. i am so glad i am free now! no wonder we're all in therapy...