albatulipan

So, It's two weeks that I decided to quit. And 2 days ago I drank a beer. Just one, one beer. I got upset with a friend and I couldn't wait to get home and open that damn beer. I opened it and I drank it. the weird thing, I only drank one.(two weeks ago I would have drank 1 plus 3, minimum, and after the 1st one nobody could have stop me) And yesterday I arrived home from work and I drank another beer. Only one. Today here I am, didn't drink anything. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know quitting means NO drinking at all, it doesn't mean drinking only a little bit. After this episode of drinking one beer (I still can't get over it, so moderate for my standards) I wouldn't like to be fooled into thinking that I can drink once in a while and everything is going to be ok. I guess I just need somebody to tell me what I already know...

WhySoSerious

best analogy ive ever heard about an alcoholic trying to moderate their drinking kind of went like this (sorry if i butcher it, whoever said it)

its like pulling a rubber band, sure its not hard to pull a little bit at first and play with it but once it reaches its limit it will snap and the rubber band will break causing you either physical pain by snapping your fingers or emotional pain, if you really loved that rubber band.

obviously that's metaphorical, but it made sense to me

I hope that helps, much love

PaperDolls

I've done that before. It never turned out well.


I wonder though, how did that beer help with your anger towards your friend?

Dee74

yeah, you already know
I'd go through a period of drinking one beer at night - cos everyone does that right?

sooner or later it would be two, or three - maybe a 6 pack for Friday night - hey that 12 packs on special - good idea for the week....

sooner or later I was right back where I didn't want to be.

I finally had to accept my relationship with alcohol was never going to change.

D

albatulipan

the beer actually calmed me down, psychologicaly I guess. That's what I thought at least, but what really helped me was the time that I spent afterwards talking and laughing with my husband, my brother, my au pair and my children. I think that restrained me from going back to the fridge and drink the rest of the beers (what are they doing on my fridge anyway, I need to get rid of them)

Scolova

I'd have to be tied up after drinking just one beer. But I don't keep it in the house now and I don't go to bars either. It's good to remember the reasons (or excuses) 'when & why' you turn to the alcohol. That has really helped me. Good Luck & Get Well.

PaperDolls

I had a few nights in my drinking career that I only had one (or just a few).
The majority of my drinking nights ended in blackouts.

My disease wanted me to remember that ONE night instead of the MAJORITY. That's what's happening here and it's quite obvious you know it.

If alcohol is causing problems in your life, stay stopped.

albatulipan

I know I'm not cured. I know very well. I guess it was stupid posting this, I was thinking out loud

Dee74

It's never stupid to post things like this - not only does it help you to work things out but you just might be helping someone else too

D

PaperDolls

Not at all stupid. I didn't mean to imply that at all.

I was just trying to be honest with you.

Posting and/or talking about stuff like this is exactly what your supposed to do.

LDT

Ditto what Anvilhead said.....to work so hard at moderation is to continue to be obsessed with and controlled by the thought of alcohol. It's infinitely easier in the long run to quit completely. There were plenty of times I drank just one glass of wine and was proud of myself. That lead me to drinking a couple of glasses the next time....still not too much.....but I'm sure you can imagine how that eventually ended up. Hello medical detox.....It's crazy to think we can moderate.

Dazee

I wanted so badly to be able to moderate. The idea of never having a drink again scared me into working hard to moderate. My plumbing doesn't allow for it, though, so it's not an option for me anymore. I had to struggle with that though, and frankly still do. Thanks for sharing!

freshstart57

If I wanted to quit drinking, I don't think I would have a nice cold six pack sitting in the fridge. I'm just saying.

sugarbear1

You are quite courageous for posting this. You aren't alone at all. Many times I've done the same thing. It's that Addictive Voice inside of your head, the beast, I believe it's called. It wants you to think you can handle just a little, then it proves itself, for only a while. For me, it eventually led to the same old same old pattern.

You were upset with a friend, understandable. I've been there, too. I showed them. I showed them I could have all kinds of consequences for a long, long time before I realized I was only hurting me, cause deep down inside of me, I didn't feel worthy.

Today, I found that alcohol is no longer my solution to dealing with hurt emotions or with uncontrollable situations. Today, my solution is in the steps of AA. Others found AVRT or other programs. Whatever works for you, I hope you find it. Being soberly present for everyone in my life is what I seek today, and I am so totally worthy today.

May you find happiness in sobriety and in some kind of program of recovery. I thank you for posting this. I'm nearing 10 months of sobriety, which utterly amazes me every day, but this keeps me grounded in today.

Peace, love, & hugs,

albatulipan

well, thanks for all your kind words. About the beer in the fridge, nobody knows my big problem, my husband knows I like to have 1 (6) beers when I get home from work to unwind. He saw I was out of beers, and he kindly went to the store and got me some. He's a moderate drinker, he will drink a beer every two weeks or so. Lucky him. Anyway, I'm doing this, not drinking anymore. I just feel so good. Somebody asked me today if I changed my make up, because my eyes look bigger. Of course they do, the puffines and the swelling it's slowly going away.I feel great outside and inside. I started taking my bike to go to work, take my children to school and run errands. I hope I can get back in shape soon, I'm too young to bury my life.

eh1988

Sobriety is a good feeling isn't it Albatulipan? I'm happy you seem to be on the right path, but please quit playing with fire. You had those beers but don't keep testing your luck, you might over-do it one day and end up back at square 1. Best of luck and goodluck getting back in shape, I'm working on that myself

Dee74

Are you considering telling your husband albatulipan?

D

albatulipan

telling my husband, ha! I guess I should. Right now I'm too embarrassed.I'm so ashamed of what I did this last 9 years. He will tell me I should have known better, considering we have 3 little kids. But I know eventually he will support me, he's a good man. I wonder if he knows. He has find empty bottles in weird places (really weird) but he hasn't said anything to me. He asked me about it and I always had a ridiculous explanation that he seemed to believe. But he's also a very smart man, so who knows. Probably I didn't fool him.

Sapling

At least you can tell him to stop buying you beer...Good luck to you.

BillyPilgrim

I did that. One beer every night when was out with friends
2 bottles of wine the nights I wasnt
doesnt work, come back when you have learned