krishna1

My close friend is an alcoholic who has gotten himself into serious legal, financial, job, and relationship trouble this year as a result (direct or indirect) of his drinking. He acknowledges that he has a problem but swears rehab and therapy won't help — has tried both. Made a show of going to AA after the last arrest but gave it up after a very short time.

I've tried to be a good friend, lending an ear and suggesting (gently) that he stop killing himself slowly and commit to getting some professional help. But he gradually withdrew from me, and I rarely saw the warm and wonderful person that I once knew. After the last episode of mean-and-nasty public drunkenness, I wrote him a long email detailing his behavior when he's wasted, how it affects the people around him, and reminding him how much he's lost as a result of his addiction. I told him I would no longer be part of his life while he continues to drink so heavily — it's too upsetting. But of course I would be there to support him when he's ready to turn himself around.

Fast forward to months later. No word from him and I'm constantly second-guessing whether I was too harsh on him. I feel like I've abandoned him at a time when his life is spiraling out of control. I'm moving on with my life without him but the truth is I miss him like crazy (we used to be in touch almost every day). Was detaching the right thing to do? I have no experience with alcoholics other than him. Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Detaching is something we do for ourselves. It is a healthy step in taking control of our own lives.

If you remove his feelings from the equation, how do YOU feel now that you have removed the drama of alcoholism from your day-to-day life? If you have found serenity, then you have done something positive and good for yourself. Good on you.

I hope you find a way to let go of any guilt. The addiction is what you are walking away from. The addiction has taken over your friends life. It doesn't have to take over yours!

Stick around and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand.

bonami

Welcome! I too found these boards because the A in my life is a good, longtime friend, and I had no prior experience with an alcoholic in my life. I thought somehow I could help him when he hit his crisis mode; after all, isn't that what friends are for?

But as you have seen, your friend won't stop drinking just because you have asked him to. He has to do it for himself, and his problems are not yours to solve. So do not feel guilty, you have not abandoned him, because there is nothing you can really do for him. That is something I had to learn myself, and it was hard because my impulse was that there had to be something I could do to help my friend. And as Pelican said, detaching is for YOU. Only you know what behavior you can or cannot put up with. If you miss your friend and feel the need to reach out, of course you can do so; detaching is not necessarily no contact, but be prepared to have the cycle start up all over again if he hasn't found recovery.

Keep reading and posting, you have come to the right place, there is much wisdom here.

fourmaggie

posted by bonami "detaching is not necessarily no contact, but be prepared to have the cycle start up all over again if he hasn't found recovery.
"

thats where i am at rite now with my binge drinker friend...she has "detached" from me...but trust me...i am not missing out of alot..because of her toxic behaviours and how they effect her and everyone around her...and i agree, the cycle will start up again, if something does not CHANGE....and that is me setting my boundaries/detaching with her...

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you because I know how hard it is to walk away. You did the right thing because there is nothing you can say or do that will stop an alcoholic from getting drunk. You sound like a wonderful friend ...