How to tell a close friend...?
How to tell a close friend...?
Day 38. So I went to dinner with one of my best friends last night. Been friends for 20 years, I was his best man. He knew I was a drinker, because even though he never really drank he hung out with us when we partied (college & after). I havent told really anyone besides a relative, my doctor, and people in AA how bad my alcoholism had gotten. How I was a daily drinker, who drank in secret at home alone. Ive told a handful of people that I have now quit drinking, without going into the long story, just for health/money reasons.
When planning where to go, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere with a bar to get beers with dinner. I said NO, anywhere would be fine and that I had quit drinking. It was also hard to plan because I go to meetings every night, and I dont want to lie to my friend, but he began to call me "sketchy" in a good-natured way for always being busy at night without giving a reason. Anyways, I told him I would tell him whats up with my sketchiness when the time is right & for him not to worry, that its a positive thing. I told him to keep all this stuff close to the vest & that we'd grab dinner again soon.
Now, how to go about telling the whole story...because I want to to this friend...but I dont want to jeopardize my sobriety by bringing too many people into the circle of trust. ya know? He may put 2 & 2 together (quit drinking + busy most nights) but how did you guys tell that trusted friend?
When planning where to go, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere with a bar to get beers with dinner. I said NO, anywhere would be fine and that I had quit drinking. It was also hard to plan because I go to meetings every night, and I dont want to lie to my friend, but he began to call me "sketchy" in a good-natured way for always being busy at night without giving a reason. Anyways, I told him I would tell him whats up with my sketchiness when the time is right & for him not to worry, that its a positive thing. I told him to keep all this stuff close to the vest & that we'd grab dinner again soon.
Now, how to go about telling the whole story...because I want to to this friend...but I dont want to jeopardize my sobriety by bringing too many people into the circle of trust. ya know? He may put 2 & 2 together (quit drinking + busy most nights) but how did you guys tell that trusted friend?
Friends are called friends because they are friends
Many years ago, one of my best friends stopped drinking, he said he was AA.
Immediately everyone supported him, never offered him a drink, nor invited him to the pub
Never thought less of him
I am now in that same position, those people I call friends do the same for me
Many years ago, one of my best friends stopped drinking, he said he was AA.
Immediately everyone supported him, never offered him a drink, nor invited him to the pub
Never thought less of him
I am now in that same position, those people I call friends do the same for me
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I would tell him it wasn't working for me any more...That I wanted to address it before it got completely out of hand...I told this to one of my best friends and the smile on his face said it all...Then I knew what kind of friend I had...
Most of my trusted friends knew anyway, so I haven't faced this much but well I did I was honest.
I don't have a problem telling people I know well.
Other people is a need to know basis.
I think it's your call when to tell this guy and when Shane. All you really have to do is say I don;t drink anymore - how much more you say is up to you.
D
I don't have a problem telling people I know well.
Other people is a need to know basis.
I think it's your call when to tell this guy and when Shane. All you really have to do is say I don;t drink anymore - how much more you say is up to you.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
I agree with Dee on this as it's something that I'm certainly dealing with at the moment. I've stayed away from telling co-workers... even if I like them. A lot of them can probably tell anyway. I have a couple close friends that I've told and they're supportive as always (lucky). I've told my mother and step father but they just don't get it... they say it's a good thing but since they both drink I think they are slightly threatened by it. I've noticed that with a lot of people (including myself) that when others quit drinking or quit smoking or start exercising a lot it can be a threat in our minds because it's something we know that we probably should do. It just goes to show how insidious this thing really is...
I love my parents and I pray they never have to go through this. When I told them about my problems with alcohol and the desire to quit I did it for MYSELF not for them though. At the end of the day it's just me and my higher power and I do find some solace in that.
I love my parents and I pray they never have to go through this. When I told them about my problems with alcohol and the desire to quit I did it for MYSELF not for them though. At the end of the day it's just me and my higher power and I do find some solace in that.
... they say it's a good thing but since they both drink I think they are slightly threatened by it. I've noticed that with a lot of people (including myself) that when others quit drinking or quit smoking or start exercising a lot it can be a threat in our minds because it's something we know that we probably should do. It just goes to show how insidious this thing really is...
We had a 12th buddy, who was forced through his job to get sober back around 2002, and he went all in with AA. He basically cut off contact with any college friends. Which I understand NOW is important to some people in recovery. But AT THAT TIME some of us wondered amongst ourselves whether he was just coerced/brainwashed into joining AA by his work & parents, which I now KNOW was just us drinkers not wanting to face the fact that if our close friend was officially an alcoholic, then maybe we were as well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I just gave my esh in the Everyone Outside of AA Drinks thread. So please allow myself to quote myself lol Take Care Shayne
P.S. I should add that being brutally honest with some friends that were not getting it helped a lot (almost wish I had done it sooner). Once I laid it out clearly so there was no room for - you don't have a problem - friends either got it & embraced it or got it & carried on with their thing (and drinking). It sorts itself out if you let it ;-)
P.S. I should add that being brutally honest with some friends that were not getting it helped a lot (almost wish I had done it sooner). Once I laid it out clearly so there was no room for - you don't have a problem - friends either got it & embraced it or got it & carried on with their thing (and drinking). It sorts itself out if you let it ;-)
Yep, went through this & had a few threads/posts on this subject as well. I was quite baffled by how much some of my friends didn't understand even when I went as far as telling them that I quit as it was negatively affecting my life (some in heavy detail.... others light). One of my good friends went as far as to tell me that he was uncomfortable with me not drinking when we went out... I mean WTF.
Things have pretty much sorted themselves out but I still have a few friends that are always looking to... Go Out ;-) Of course this is going to some nice restaurant & then hanging around drinking afterwords. I find the more consistant I am with my responses & continue to offer altertnate plans the ones that want to spend time with me will go with the flow & others will give up on trying to get me out to have dinner &.... drink.
My friends saw me when I was a happy drunk at the bar sometimes a little messy... they didnt know that was just the warm up & the impact it had on my life for the next few days.
I have learned that this is my addiction/problem & to stay sober I have to be firm with what is going to work & what might risk my sobriety. Its not worth it.
All of the best in your recovery
Things have pretty much sorted themselves out but I still have a few friends that are always looking to... Go Out ;-) Of course this is going to some nice restaurant & then hanging around drinking afterwords. I find the more consistant I am with my responses & continue to offer altertnate plans the ones that want to spend time with me will go with the flow & others will give up on trying to get me out to have dinner &.... drink.
My friends saw me when I was a happy drunk at the bar sometimes a little messy... they didnt know that was just the warm up & the impact it had on my life for the next few days.
I have learned that this is my addiction/problem & to stay sober I have to be firm with what is going to work & what might risk my sobriety. Its not worth it.
All of the best in your recovery
When I told a few friends I was not drinking for health reasons, 2 specifically, were quite nice and still incude me. Both are very light drinkers, and would not neccesarily always get a drink anyway, if we went out. So, one, specifically, is good about calling to go for a walk, or a movie, not always dinner(I am also trying to lose/watch my weight), and supportive of better health. But, she is so busy, I hardly can see her. Once every few months.
Another is also very busy, but changing my drinking has not changed us. Well, i do wonder if she is getting folks together for drinks, if she excludes me because i would be tempted or since i do not drink, I might not go. I actually can go and have a cappucino, or soft drink, and enjoy a ladies' night out. My trigger is at home, evenings, with dh drinking.
But I have not said to anyone I am an alcoholic and have "quit" drinking. And I am not 100%successful at it either. While I have sober stretches, I have relapsed as well.
Telling people does help to remain sober, because then you know, they know you are not drinking. At best, it makes me more accoutable and I will not drink around people I have told.
rochele
Another is also very busy, but changing my drinking has not changed us. Well, i do wonder if she is getting folks together for drinks, if she excludes me because i would be tempted or since i do not drink, I might not go. I actually can go and have a cappucino, or soft drink, and enjoy a ladies' night out. My trigger is at home, evenings, with dh drinking.
But I have not said to anyone I am an alcoholic and have "quit" drinking. And I am not 100%successful at it either. While I have sober stretches, I have relapsed as well.
Telling people does help to remain sober, because then you know, they know you are not drinking. At best, it makes me more accoutable and I will not drink around people I have told.
rochele
Relax. Talk with your sponsor, the person who knows you well enough by now....pray on it and meditate. You'll know when the time is right and the words to say. Like Sapling mentioned, you might be helping someone else!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)