mlynn424

Hi. I am a 34 year old wife & mother of 3. For the last 3 years I've been riding this rollercoaster of being a drunk, getting into some kind of trouble (eg, losing a job, DUI, my husband almost leaving me, disappointing everyone, scaring my kids, etc) then resolving to quit. Then I get a couple weeks, even a few months, then I do it again.

Yesterday, I did it again. I woke up this morning hating myself AGAIN. I'll go to a few meetings, promise my husband this was the last time (he's so sick of hearing that again & I don't blame him), but I'm scared to death that I won't get better. I need help. The shame & guilt is overwhelming.

Thanks for reading.

WhySoSerious

Well you made a good step showing up here. I've done this sooo many times i cant even believe it. I'll ask you what sapling and a few others on here ask... what are you going to do different this time from all the others?

I messed up myself on saturday, all you can do is pick up and move on.

RobbyRobot

Hi, mlynn.

Asking for help is just the best way forward. Awesome! And you already know and understand about the guilt and shame wrecking and overwhelming you. You're so right.

We feel guilt when we know we are doing wrong. We feel shame when we know we could have done better then what we have done.

Those feelings are helping you to change so that's a good thing. You're already on your way for changing by posting on SR.

You can be a person who no longer has to suffer either of those feelings. Stopping drinking can give you a place to feel differently.

Welcome to SR.

mlynn424

WhySo, that is the question of my life. I need to figure that out before I lose my family. Being on here is probably a good start. Thanks for asking.

ewo

Hi Mlynn! I also have tried quitting a ton of times in the past. I'm only on day 6 of being sober but this time feels much different. This time around I took a serious and HONEST look at my drinking. I wrote down all the horrible things I've done/decisions I've made while drinking and coming face to face with those things was enough to make me never want to drink again! You can read a little bit about it if you visit my profile and read my post "How I Got Here". You'll probably notice that we have some similarities in our story.

I also made a list of all the wonderful things that will result in me not drinking, such as spending quality time with my kids, noticing - and I mean REALLY noticing - the beauty around (instead of everything being foggy)...stuff like that. And I look at both lists often just as a reminder. Also, I take it one day at a time...."I will not drink TODAY"....it really does help! Feel free to ask any questions you may have and best of luck to you!

jocata

I had to ask myself if I REALLY wanted to quit. Looking back on all of the evidence(DUIs, lost jobs, lost relationships, destructive behavior, blackout drinking nearly everytime), it was crystal clear I had a problem. But I had to get to the point where I was willing to do whatever it took to get sober. I drug my sorry butt to the rooms of AA where I got a sponser, and started working the steps vigorously. I had to get hones with myself and others. I had to be willing to completely change my thinking and my actions.

Until I did this, I couldn't stay sober for very long.

God bless.

MsJax

Hi mlynn. The self-loathing is horrid, isn't it? I was just thinking recently about how awful I would feel everyday I got drunk, often in the morning, and then passed out and woke up absolutely hating myself and not knowing what the hell had happened. I did it almost every day.

Like Jocata said, I had to completely change my thinking & my actions. Do something different. Make yourself a plan. I'm so sorry, I feel the sadness you wrote But you can change it all, starting today & never feel that way upon awakening again. Very best wishes to you

saphira

Hi and welcome!! I am a 30-year-old mom, so I completely understand the guilt that goes along with drinking. It's a horrible feeling, isn't it? I joined SR almost exactly a year ago and it took me a LONG time to REALLY want to quit drinking. I'm sober now, but still battling through finding the right method of recovery for me. (I learned the hard way that it's very hard to do on your own.) I think one of my problems in the beginning was that on some level I wanted to be sober, but mainly I just wanted to make my husband happy and be a better mom. Those are good reasons to quit, of course, but I always had it in the back of my head that I could drink again soon. The obsession with alcohol never stopped...every day was a constant "should I or shouldn't I?" thing. I got real with myself and have tried to really look at my drinking. I asked a lot of questions on SR and am starting to really "get it". My point, I guess, is that I think in order to be successful, you have to really WANT to quit for YOURSELF. There have been many ups and downs for me... but I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere. You have taken the first step by coming on here and I hope that you will continue coming back. Whether you succeed or have a set-back, these people are life savers. You can be completely honest and nobody will judge you. I wish you all the best! PM me if you want another mom to talk to!! (There are many of us here!)

mlynn424

My goal hasn't really been to stay stopped, its been how to drink without anyone finding out. Well, thats not working. I do want to stop for my own sake now. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I know I'm an alcoholic. I do like aa & am going to a meeting today.

jocata

You can do it mlynn. Plenty of success stories here on SR.

God bless.

Hevyn

Welcome mlynn. You've made a great decision - wish I had at 34 - I could have avoided the nightmare that would follow. I hope you'll find the comfort & reassurance that I did by joining SR. I wasn't alone anymore - that was huge.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

Meetings are great, you aren't alone, but the real program is in working the steps.

I wish you well on your recovery! You deserve it!!

mlynn424

Thank you all so much for the encouragement. I'm starting Day 2 today, & feel so-so, but also very hopeful. After lots of thinking I've realized that part of my problem is that I don't take care of myself. And that I don't take care of my house, and take sub-par care of my kids. I have a pretty great husband that does those things, but I feel like such crap for not participating. I mean, I go to work, and thats it.

I woke up early today, got my kids up for school, did my daughter's hair, talked a bit with my son, had some coffee, took my medicine (anti depress), took them to school, and came home and took a nice hot shower. This may sound like pretty simple stuff, but to me, I never ever want to get out of bed. I wait til the last minute to get up and usually look like crap at work.

For me, my drinking, drugging, depression are all tied up together. I think thats probably pretty common. Anyway, just thinking out loud. I pray for sobriety today for me and all of you