Want to Stop Drinking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 13
Want to Stop Drinking
Hello all,
Just another person here wanting to give up drinking. I find it hard to say or write the word "Alcoholic". It's embarrasing and shameful to me. But the small step of me joining the forum a few minutes ago was finally an admission that I am one but don't want to be controlled by alcohol anymore.
I can clearly remember at school we had what were called "Temperance" lessons. I can recall thinking that I will never be one of those alcoholics. Yet 40 years later I am one. It has crept up on me over the last 20 years. Like a lot of youths I worked and studied hard, but partied harder. Big binges almost every week-end. I didn't drink during the week at all. But the seeds were sown then I think.
At the time I thought what great times I was having. But I look back now and think what a lot of wasted time. Hey a pun and I didn't even try
. Friday nights, Saturdays and sometimes Sundays from ages 17 to 27 mostly spent on boozy fun. Sure I did a lot activities but booze was always a key ingredient. I often wonder how much more I could have achieved if I hadn't binged like that.
But then I got a serious girlfriend, got married, had kids and started being normal. The binge partying stopped but I would still have a few beers on week-ends at home watching football on TV. When there was an occasion to celebrate something like family gatherings, Christmas etc it was go for broke and get smashed. My wife's family like a drink or two so I was in good company. Life went on and everything was good. A wife, 3 daughters, a happy home, a job everything seemed good.
I was in control or so I thought. This period covered from ages 27 to about 40.
I am not sure where the tipping point came....that point in time where having a drink became a priority over everything else. When it dicated my schedule. I think it was when I was about 40 years old. A few stresses in life, career stalling, financial pressures, thinking about what I hadn't achieved in life etc etc. Having a drink took on a whole new purpose. It wasn't to have fun and liven up a dinner party. It became a tool to wash the hard edges off life.
But the more I drank, the less I did to take the hard edges off in more constructive ways. So began the start of a slow spiral downwards from ages 40 to 50. My drinking became a habit. A very bad habit. I've taken the family on a bit of a rollercoaster ride but we are all still together. Luckily when I drink, I am silent and retrospective. I don't get aggressive. I just sit and watch TV and fantisise that I am ok and think about what big achievement I will make in some future endeavour. But big plans are hard to implement with blinding hangovers so I would put them off for the next day when I would supposedly be hangover free.
There have been any mornings I would wake up with the mother of all hangovers and pour out any remaining wine (my current choice of drink) and vow never to drink it again. But by the afternoon, I am feeling ok and my mind turns to the ritual of turning on the TV to watch the news with nice cold glass of Chardonnay. This time I'll only have one or two I will say to myself. I will then go and purchase more wine from one of a dozen shops I usually rotate through. I find it embarrassing going to the same ones all the time. It's funny the lengths you go to to hide your habit from others. Another night is started with good intentions and ends after I fall asleep, sometimes in bed, sometimes on the couch but always late at night or early morning. Repeat 365 days of the year.
For some strange reason up until very recently I still considered myself to be in control. I just enjoy a drink I tell myself. I'm not harming anyone. I still work and support the family. Who am I kidding? Well today I have gone further than I ever have in the past. I have browsed this site before but never thought I needed anything from it. I wasn't an alcoholic, I just liked a drink. Why was I browsing then? Another self deception. I have been pretty good so far at putting on an appearance of being a normal functioning person to the outside world. But that false facade is getting harder and harder to keep up.
Today begins a journey for me. Today I admit I am an alcoholic and I have joined this site as a tiny, first small step in seeking help. I realise it won't be easy, and any advice, support people can provide to me I will be grateful for.
Well thats my story. Thanks for reading if you have got this far. Sorry it is a bit long and disjointed but it really helped me admit a few ugly truths to myself.
Cheers
Nevets
Just another person here wanting to give up drinking. I find it hard to say or write the word "Alcoholic". It's embarrasing and shameful to me. But the small step of me joining the forum a few minutes ago was finally an admission that I am one but don't want to be controlled by alcohol anymore.
I can clearly remember at school we had what were called "Temperance" lessons. I can recall thinking that I will never be one of those alcoholics. Yet 40 years later I am one. It has crept up on me over the last 20 years. Like a lot of youths I worked and studied hard, but partied harder. Big binges almost every week-end. I didn't drink during the week at all. But the seeds were sown then I think.
At the time I thought what great times I was having. But I look back now and think what a lot of wasted time. Hey a pun and I didn't even try
. Friday nights, Saturdays and sometimes Sundays from ages 17 to 27 mostly spent on boozy fun. Sure I did a lot activities but booze was always a key ingredient. I often wonder how much more I could have achieved if I hadn't binged like that. But then I got a serious girlfriend, got married, had kids and started being normal. The binge partying stopped but I would still have a few beers on week-ends at home watching football on TV. When there was an occasion to celebrate something like family gatherings, Christmas etc it was go for broke and get smashed. My wife's family like a drink or two so I was in good company. Life went on and everything was good. A wife, 3 daughters, a happy home, a job everything seemed good.
I was in control or so I thought. This period covered from ages 27 to about 40.
I am not sure where the tipping point came....that point in time where having a drink became a priority over everything else. When it dicated my schedule. I think it was when I was about 40 years old. A few stresses in life, career stalling, financial pressures, thinking about what I hadn't achieved in life etc etc. Having a drink took on a whole new purpose. It wasn't to have fun and liven up a dinner party. It became a tool to wash the hard edges off life.
But the more I drank, the less I did to take the hard edges off in more constructive ways. So began the start of a slow spiral downwards from ages 40 to 50. My drinking became a habit. A very bad habit. I've taken the family on a bit of a rollercoaster ride but we are all still together. Luckily when I drink, I am silent and retrospective. I don't get aggressive. I just sit and watch TV and fantisise that I am ok and think about what big achievement I will make in some future endeavour. But big plans are hard to implement with blinding hangovers so I would put them off for the next day when I would supposedly be hangover free.
There have been any mornings I would wake up with the mother of all hangovers and pour out any remaining wine (my current choice of drink) and vow never to drink it again. But by the afternoon, I am feeling ok and my mind turns to the ritual of turning on the TV to watch the news with nice cold glass of Chardonnay. This time I'll only have one or two I will say to myself. I will then go and purchase more wine from one of a dozen shops I usually rotate through. I find it embarrassing going to the same ones all the time. It's funny the lengths you go to to hide your habit from others. Another night is started with good intentions and ends after I fall asleep, sometimes in bed, sometimes on the couch but always late at night or early morning. Repeat 365 days of the year.
For some strange reason up until very recently I still considered myself to be in control. I just enjoy a drink I tell myself. I'm not harming anyone. I still work and support the family. Who am I kidding? Well today I have gone further than I ever have in the past. I have browsed this site before but never thought I needed anything from it. I wasn't an alcoholic, I just liked a drink. Why was I browsing then? Another self deception. I have been pretty good so far at putting on an appearance of being a normal functioning person to the outside world. But that false facade is getting harder and harder to keep up.
Today begins a journey for me. Today I admit I am an alcoholic and I have joined this site as a tiny, first small step in seeking help. I realise it won't be easy, and any advice, support people can provide to me I will be grateful for.
Well thats my story. Thanks for reading if you have got this far. Sorry it is a bit long and disjointed but it really helped me admit a few ugly truths to myself.
Cheers
Nevets
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Hi Nevets,
Thanks for sharing. We are all the same. Even though our stories are different the underlying themes of inward isolation and the need to mask pain are the same. This site has helped me tremendously. What ensures my sobriety one day at a time though is a program of recovery. Mine is AA, but there are others. Please remember that you never have to drink again if you don't want to.
Keep us posted
Thanks for sharing. We are all the same. Even though our stories are different the underlying themes of inward isolation and the need to mask pain are the same. This site has helped me tremendously. What ensures my sobriety one day at a time though is a program of recovery. Mine is AA, but there are others. Please remember that you never have to drink again if you don't want to.
Keep us posted
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Welcome nevets
The great thing about this place is we all get it - we've all been there.
I think seeing a Dr is a good idea if you've been drinking regularly for a while.
Apart from that you'll find a lot of ideas here about what to do next
I think you've made a great decision - good to have you with us
D
The great thing about this place is we all get it - we've all been there.
I think seeing a Dr is a good idea if you've been drinking regularly for a while.
Apart from that you'll find a lot of ideas here about what to do next
I think you've made a great decision - good to have you with us
D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Nevets!
Glad you're here! With a few minor changes I could have written your post. I liked to think I was doing "just fine" too - at least I did my best to look that way. It got harder and harder to wake up and face the day, though. I'd be waiting until 5:00, when I knew that I could at least get some relief.
I couldn't get the word "alcoholic" into my head either until I'd been sober for a while and saw things for what they were.
Things are going to get better.
Glad you're here! With a few minor changes I could have written your post. I liked to think I was doing "just fine" too - at least I did my best to look that way. It got harder and harder to wake up and face the day, though. I'd be waiting until 5:00, when I knew that I could at least get some relief.
I couldn't get the word "alcoholic" into my head either until I'd been sober for a while and saw things for what they were.
Things are going to get better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
Hope
Sounds like something good clicked in your mind. I have heard from a lot of people that it takes them losing everything before they seek out help. You DON'T have to lose it all! This clicked in my mind just a few days ago myself and I really don't want to lose it all so I'm going after help now before that happens. I like what you said about how much more you -could- have achieved if you hadn't been drinking all those years... I'm with you 100% on that. So I'm trying to fathom all the things I CAN STILL accomplish without drinking! That's hope to me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Nevets 
I find it hard to say or write the word "Alcoholic". It's embarrasing and shameful to me.
No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.
The first time I read that...I had to stop and reread it...That was me...I looked up morass because I wasn't sure what it meant....A swamp...a situation that traps or confuses...me again....I was told to read the first 164 pages and I did...Then I read them again...Went to some meetings and found someone to take me through the 12 steps...This book is a manual on how to do them....It may not be for you...But it can't hurt you to read it...See if you see yourself in any of it.....Start with The Doctor's Opinion and read the first 164 pages when you get some free time....It saved and changed my life....Good luck to you...Whatever you decide to do...Do something...
The text of Alcoholics Anonymous
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Nevets welcome to the community. I have a similar histroy. I had years of trying to cut back, short lived health kicks, various attempts at moderation, controlled drinking and attempts at quitting. For me the torment and the struggle became so much to bear, and I still tried to get a breather and felt I was on the brink.
Something changed when I admitted defeat, the fight had ended. I just did not care anymore.
I am 10 months sober next week. I would not go back. Despite the challenges the freedom is priceless.
Something changed when I admitted defeat, the fight had ended. I just did not care anymore.
I am 10 months sober next week. I would not go back. Despite the challenges the freedom is priceless.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Nevets
Today begins a journey for me. Today I admit I am an alcoholic and I have joined this site as a tiny, first small step in seeking help. I realise it won't be easy, and any advice, support people can provide to me I will be grateful for.
The journey really is at the heart of staying sober. Sharing with others back and forth is such an excellent start!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: SE Arizona
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by Nevets
Hello all,
Just another person here wanting to give up drinking. I find it hard to say or write the word "Alcoholic". It's embarrasing and shameful to me. But the small step of me joining the forum a few minutes ago was finally an admission that I am one but don't want to be controlled by alcohol anymore.
Just another person here wanting to give up drinking. I find it hard to say or write the word "Alcoholic". It's embarrasing and shameful to me. But the small step of me joining the forum a few minutes ago was finally an admission that I am one but don't want to be controlled by alcohol anymore.
to the family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 13
Thank you all so much for your support. But I think have failed you all I was crying and sobbing reading your comments. I just want to hug you all. I am so sorry I don't deserve your pity or advice. I failed. I'm sitting here with a drink reading what I wrote and feel totally down with myself. I couldn't even last 48 damn hours! God I hate myself. I don't even like the taste of wine yet I drink it! It was the same old story. I thought I coud stop and it is now 11:30pm at night and I've had way too many drinks. I'll do better next time I hope. I just want to stop. I'll know after the fact that I have drunk too much. Why can't I do that before I do?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
Nevets,
You drink because you're an alcoholic. That's why we all drank. But you CAN stop. You have to find a way to do it.
By going to AA, or reading. Reading helped me identify myself & gave me strength.
I would recommend Beyond the Influence, Under the Influence, the Big Book of AA. You can get any of these online for less than a bottle of wine.
If you don't like the idea of AA, there are other things; Rational Recovery, SMART.
You have to do something different, if you want things to change.
Keep us posted. You are not a failure.
You can beat this, but you must realize what you are up against.
You drink because you're an alcoholic. That's why we all drank. But you CAN stop. You have to find a way to do it.
By going to AA, or reading. Reading helped me identify myself & gave me strength.
I would recommend Beyond the Influence, Under the Influence, the Big Book of AA. You can get any of these online for less than a bottle of wine.
If you don't like the idea of AA, there are other things; Rational Recovery, SMART.
You have to do something different, if you want things to change.
Keep us posted. You are not a failure.
You can beat this, but you must realize what you are up against.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Nevets
Thank you all so much for your support. But I think have failed you all I was crying and sobbing reading your comments. I just want to hug you all. I am so sorry I don't deserve your pity or advice. I failed. I'm sitting here with a drink reading what I wrote and feel totally down with myself. I couldn't even last 48 damn hours! God I hate myself. I don't even like the taste of wine yet I drink it! It was the same old story. I thought I coud stop and it is now 11:30pm at night and I've had way too many drinks. I'll do better next time I hope. I just want to stop. I'll know after the fact that I have drunk too much. Why can't I do that before I do?
So yeah, its not about failure being the problem. Its about knowing that quitting itself won't work for long unless we do something to keep what we started with quitting going forward. Its a journey of change and discovery.
You can quit alcoholic drinking. You can change you to stay quit. You can be happy without alcohol.
Keep trying and take a look at a strategy to stay quit. There are plenty of options.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Edmonton, Alberta
Posts: 8
Hi Nevets,
Your description of your drinking life almost exactly mirrored my own. I am (very) newly sober and also brand new to this forum. I also thought that my behavior was normal and acceptable for a very long time. I'm really not one to give advice as I'm still struggling myself, however, I just wanted to offer a word of encouragement. Like me, you have FINALLY chosen to be honest and true with yourself. I think that's huge!! Please don't despair about that setback. In my opinion, your self discovery gives you the awareness that you finally know what needs to be done. Believe me.....I've just been there myself!! As a newcomer, you've done the right thing joining this group. I joined as I wanted to take in the experiences and knowledge of the people that have already been through what you and I are about to go through. They've been there and they can help us....and they also want to help us (great people!!). Another thing I've been doing is going to AA meetings. Good luck!!
Your description of your drinking life almost exactly mirrored my own. I am (very) newly sober and also brand new to this forum. I also thought that my behavior was normal and acceptable for a very long time. I'm really not one to give advice as I'm still struggling myself, however, I just wanted to offer a word of encouragement. Like me, you have FINALLY chosen to be honest and true with yourself. I think that's huge!! Please don't despair about that setback. In my opinion, your self discovery gives you the awareness that you finally know what needs to be done. Believe me.....I've just been there myself!! As a newcomer, you've done the right thing joining this group. I joined as I wanted to take in the experiences and knowledge of the people that have already been through what you and I are about to go through. They've been there and they can help us....and they also want to help us (great people!!). Another thing I've been doing is going to AA meetings. Good luck!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
nevets
like others have said - most of us know that feeling
It's a tough task - changing our lives - very difficult to do on our own - maybe it's time to think about what you can add to what you've been doing?
D
like others have said - most of us know that feeling
It's a tough task - changing our lives - very difficult to do on our own - maybe it's time to think about what you can add to what you've been doing?
D
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