Pigtails

Hi everyone. It's been awhile. Today marks four months of sobriety for me. Sometimes I feel very proud of myself and a little amazed that I've come this far. Other times quite honestly I want to throw in the towel and just drink, or I start to think I wasn't so bad etc. I'm not quite sure what has gotten me this far except inertia and stubbornness and probably the fact that it seems everyone in the world now knows I don't drink anymore (which kind of makes me feel like a freak, and I try not to focus on what others think, but I guess it's more like what I think about myself?). And I guess just the desire to keep this better life that I've found keeps me sober. Overall I'm much happier but I am still haunted by the demon that is alcohol, in that I wish I could enjoy it normally or without consequences. That I could be free of it or sometimes that I could just give into it. But I know I shouldn't and so I don't. I should probably get back into meetings and step work and sponsorship, because I guess I'm in a precarious position and I don't want to drink but I don't want to not drink, if that makes sense. Thanks everyone for reading.

OCDDan

Pigtails,
Sounds like you could talk yourself into drinking soon, I hope you don't. It's good that you came here first tho, I went and drank last week for a quick reminder of why I stopped drinking, I call it going back to school. I know what you mean about wanting to drink, for now, I don't feel like drinking.

Pigtails

Thank you. Yeah, I need to get re-connected to SR, AA I guess... anything that helps me NOT drink. Or reminds me of why I don't want to instead of all the reminders of why I do want to.

Sapling

Congrats on four months Pigtails...Good to see you...I think if you are going to go the AA way...You just listed what you need to do...If not...I'd get something to assist you with your recovery...I think you're at a time where batting back and forth whether or not you drink or not is not a good place to be..It's great you have come this far...I'd like to see you keep that....How's life and work treating you?

GirlFromCO

Congratulations on reaching 4 months What's gotten better since you quit? What will get better if you stay sober?

OCDDan

believe me, all the craving and thinking about drinking, it's a waste. if it's bothering you, then drink, you'll see how krappy it is, no, don't drink, take my word for it.

Dee74

Congratulations pigtails - 4 months is huge

Stubborness can be an asset, but it can also get tiring - and, I dunno about you, but when I get tired I get vulnerable.

If you think you need more support and a bit of a kick start again, then go for it

CaiHong

Hi Pigtails,
good for you on the 4 months. I think you have an insight of where you are at but if you don,t want to pick up you need to get with support and a program. I can feel you teetering on the edge.

CaiHong

Anna

Hi Pigtails,

As others have said, your post sounds a bit worrisome. I hope that you can make the changes in your thinking that will enable you to continue your recovery. What I have found is that the recovery journey is ongoing and that it's important to learn to recognize and dismiss the addict-voice.

wpainterw

Pigtails: Sounds like you're still a bit wobbly. Saying that you don't want to drink but then again you want to and wish it were possible to drink moderately now and then. This is normal recovery stuff. You're four months into your voyage and there are forces within your body and brain that want to drag you back into addiction. Best way to fight that (day by day) is to network with other recovery folk, including some who have had more sobriety time than you have. Talk to them and don't listen to the "stinkin' thinkin'" that sometimes bubbles up from the bottom of your brain. Don't give in to it. Keep at it and gradually you will find that the inner voices get fainter and fainter and you begin to feel more confident of yourself. But it's best to be very watchful of what I call the "divided self". And the more help you can get from others the better. AA is good if you feel comfortable with it- try not to toss it overboard without figuring out the good stuff, since there is a bundle of good stuff there built up from generations of experience. Counseling is good but I wouldn't rely on it exclusively. Long term sobriety never caught on with me until I got into AA and even then I had to focus on the parts of the program that seemed to make the best sense to me.
Well anyway, congratulations on a wonderful beginning! Don't worry about what other folks, like former drinking companions, think or what you think they think. You're the captain of this ship and they're just a bunch of bystanders. Some may envy you. Others will admire you. And you'll feel good about yourself. You'll be happy. Real happy! Good luck.

W.

Pigtails

Thanks. No, it's really not a great place to be! Work is treating me well... I started my own business at the end of January and right now it's more contract work for other people and so I'm needing to focus more on working for myself and building up my own business... which is scary but also exciting. Life is treating me well too... I have issues with my boyfriend's drinking but lately things have been a lot better. I sometimes still think of moving back home towards my family and I wish I wouldn't feel so restless, like I can't decide what I really want out of my life and I keep going in a million different directions. but in general my life is much more happier and healthier since I stopped drinking and I feel I'm moving in a good direction if I could just keep on track!

macknacat

Good to see you reaching out - it is certainly what i had to do - and I learned to make the DREADED PHONE CALLS to my fellow AA ers... turns out that was the way that most spoke to me...

NoTears

hey hey Pigtails - what a wonderful place to be 4 months without the monster!

I'm about where you're at too time-wise. My guess is you're looking for that respite from the day and the stress and from your own thoughts? as opposed to, say the taste of the stuff?

I'm just going to echo what everyone else has said, stand your ground girl. I don't think of it anymore and it has freed up my mental energy to deal with things unbelievably. It's just miraculous.

Here's some good thoughts for you and hopes that you get here soon.

Hugs - NT

sugarbear1

You've been missed!

You've always come across as such a strong woman, I wish you continued success! If you get to meetings, you might be able to drum up some more business there!

I know that anything I put in front of my sobriety is like walking a tight rope, something is gonna give sooner or later. Please call your sponsor and at least meet for some step work, it saved my life! Maybe it will help you succeed even more!

If anything, listen to an AA speaker tape for a lift. Kerry C. is really great to listen to along with most anyone found on the internet.

Keep moving forward!

Congratulations on 4 months!!!!

Peter G

Great job on 4 months pigtails, I've noticed your absence and wondered how things were.

Having said that, after reading the message behind your post, I'm gonna strongly advise this.... plug back in to AA, SR, and anything else that brought you the voice of reason that stopped your drinking, and do it sharp-ish, can? Complacency can murder the best recovery, I'm just sayin'.

Any chance you've checked out AVRT or Rational Recovery? How about you read just the lines I've bolded from your post above. Say them aloud if you can, just the bolded parts. That stuff is not even you. Not your rational thought processes at all. It's all noise, a beast flexing muscles, spying an avenue back to the glory days where IT was in control. Crafty mother****** right?

Don't ever take for granted that which brought you to need sobriety Pigtails, because it's always waiting around some corner to grab hold again and drag you right back down the sliding scale.

I'd add something we both know and then I'll shut up: there's a difference between knowing what you need to do and actually laying foot to a$$ to get it done. It's a great thing that you posted here today, so that's gonna be the new starting gate - if you are willing to make it so. Reaffirm your commitment to yourself from 4 months ago. Don't wait PT, plug back in, you deserve peace, not having that nagging, whinging nonsense buzzing around the inside of your skull.

Just do it soon.

Sapling

You can keep on track...And you know what you have to do to get there...You have to put sobriety first Pigtails...All the other stuff will fall into place...I was kind of worried about that new business...Not because you couldn't do it...I just thought your recovery would get put on the back burner...Get back into it...Keep what you have and move forward..It's really good to see you back....You know what you have to do...Get busy.

janiebluebird

Why does it make you feel like a freak that everyone seems to know you don’t drink? I presume that anyone who leaves alcohol behind them is making a major improvement to their life- whether they had a “problem” or not. You shouldn’t feel ashamed that people know you don’t drink. I think its a good quality when people don’t. As a matter of fact, before I gave up drinking and was still in my party-girl mentality, I envied people who didn’t drink in a way. I ask myself, why do people drink anyway? Why did I feel it was so necessary? To cure shyness, anxiety, or discomfort (unease of mind). To be more outgoing and silly. What benefit is any of that to me? Ok the discomfort part but that’s a facade anyhow- drinking will only mask discomfort temporarily. Put yourself and you health first. Thats how I see it now. I don’t want to poison myself anymore and wake up smelling of booze and cigarettes, half drunk from the night before with a major headache and possible vomiting. The past 3 weekends I walked at the beach, cooked healthy meals, and did activities that were productive to my life. Remember where you were, and where you are now. You gotta look out for #1 - thats you - no one else will.

OCDDan

I've had people say "I wish I could quit" when I told them I had quit drinking.

Pigtails

Hi GirlFromCO. Since I quit I have been much happier and much much less depressed. That is definitely the biggest difference and the thing I remember that keeps me from drinking. I've started my own business, which is something I'd wanted to do but was afraid to do-- I don't know if I could have done it if I hadn't stopped drinking. I don't spend money on alcohol and I don't waste nearly as much time going out/ doing things that revolve around alcohol.

I guess I feel like I still have a long way to go. I have been wanting to work on my exercise and nutrition for months now but never stay consistent. I was really discovering things about myself and who I am, sober, but I let that fall by the wayside and should get back into my step-work and going to meetings. I would like to be more dedicated to my creative writing pursuits and more grown-up and mature in general, in terms of keeping my apartment clean, cooking healthy food instead of going out for fast food etc.

I suppose my goal should be to remain sober and work on other important areas of my life so that I can keep growing. Perhaps I've gotten stagnant and complicit, but I'm often reminded of how easy it would be to throw everything away and start drinking again. It's a shame that it is so hard to build it up, and so easy to erase all the work!

Pigtails

I guess that this is what can get depressing... thinking of how it is this never-ending battle I have to be be vigilant against for life. It seems so much easier to just drink. But I do know what you're saying, that it's something I have to keep working at consistently, always (I just wish it wasn't true!).

Thanks.